Our Eastern Conference scouting reports were so wildly popular that we plunked down the extra $14.98 and brought the scouts back to do the rest of the NBA. You know, the Western Conference…where the good teams are.

The Midwest Division, long home to such glamourous places as Denver, Houston and Salt Lake, is gone, but there is a Northwest and a Southwest. Personally, I was hoping they’d go the old NHL Route and name the Divisions after NBA Players or Coaches. The options would have been limitless.

What player wouldn’t have been proud, after the regular season ended, to hoist the Marc Iavaroni Division title trophy?

Let’s get to the scouts.

NBA Western Conference
Northwest Division

Denver Nuggets— They got a gift two drafts ago when the Pistons took Darko over Carmelo Anthony. Carmelo can do everything better than Darko. He can shoot it, rebound, he plays decent defense and nobody’s better behind the wheel when he’s completely wasted than ‘Melo! Not that I know from experience or anything…I like Marcus Camby’s game a lot, especially in the West now that Shaq’s gone, but he’s only played in more than 70 games once in his career and that was last year. So I’d imagine we’ll get a good look at his entire wardrobe this season as he models it on the bench…They don’t have very many good shooters and Voshon Lenard just ruptured his Achilles’. I had no idea Dave Groeschner got a job so quickly…Kenyon Martin’s impact isn’t going to be that great. His game and Camby’s is the same. Oh, wait, I forgot that Camby’s always hurt. Never mind. Nene and Kenyon should be a pretty effective set of forwards…Have you ever checked out the part in Jeff Bzdelik’s hair? You could land small aircraft on it…Nikoloz Tskitishvili wants to be traded. To who? The LA Sparks?…Bryon Russell will get a lot of run now with Lenard out. Man, you go from Lenard to Russell and you are literally going from bad to worse…I don’t think I have to tell you how good Francisco Elson is, do I?…Arthur Johnson made the roster. You remember him he played at Missouri for nine years. And, he used to be on Laugh In…

Minnesota Timberwolves— The T’wolves are the chic pick to win the West. That makes perfect sense then that Latrell Sprewell would demand a trade. Why bother actually winning something now?…Kevin Garnett won the MVP last year and deserved it. The only player in the league who is close to his talent level is Kobe. And let’s just say Kobe comes with a little more baggage. Like a cargo hold full of it…You can win an NBA title with Fred Hoiberg and Trenton Hassell on your team. You cannot win one with Fred Hoiberg and Trenton Hassell in your lineup, however…You take one look at Michael Olowokandi and you certainly think that he should be able to play. He can’t…Last year they never had to worry about getting enough shots for Garnett, Sprewell, Sam Cassell and Wally Szczerbiak because the only shots Wally was getting were in his back. But he’s healthy now. Which means that just like at the Y, you don’t want to be the guy who inbounds the ball…Ndudi Ebi’s on the IR to start the season. I stepped Ndudi one time and that’s hard to get off…Anthony Carter and I once sat in his car and listened to Supertramp. Good kid…They really missed Troy Hudson last year. Just think about that…Sam Cassell has looked like he was 35 years old his entire life. He finally grew into his face.

Portland Trail Blazers— Portland’s a nice town. Very clean, lots of good restaurants and bars. It’s easy to score weed. Oh, wait, that could be part of the Blazers problems…Just who looked at their roster last year and said, “You know what we need? We need two more point guards! Let’s get Nick Van Exel! He’ll fit right in! Then we can draft Sebastian Telfair so just about the time he’s good, he’s ready to go sign a max contract with some other team!”…Remember when Damon Stoudamire was good? Yeah, it’s been a long time, Damon…Darius Miles couldn’t score 18 points in a game if you left him alone in the gym…How many times do you think somebody joked in the draft “war room” that it was “time to take a Khryapa” before they drafted Viktor Khryapa? If I was in the “war room” I think that joke would have been made at least nine times…The NBA has told Shareef Abdur-Rahim it’s a violation of the uniform rules to wear a sign taped to his back that says “trade me” during games…I knew something was up with Qyntel Woods. He told me he owned a dog grooming business, but every time I sent my cockapoo over there for a trim she came back bloodied and missing parts of her ear. I just thought Qyntel was a little sloppy with the clippers…Joel Pryzbilia has added a new move this year–the double dribble.

Utah Jazz— They have new uniforms this year. So now they look exactly like the Memphis Grizzlies…Carlos Arroyo can really play, and you would have thought that Larry Brown would have known that before the Olympics…Carlos Boozer’s pretty torn up about his decision to screw over the Cavs and take a max deal with Utah. He cries himself to sleep every night on a giant pile of cash…Something tells me that Jerry Sloan’s not really all that concerned that first round draft pick Kris Humphries’ dad is a pain in the ass…Curtis Borchardt has scheduled his yearly foot break for December 14. The Jazz already have him set up for x-rays on the 15th…When you saw Kirk Snyder lighting it up for Nevada last year in the tournament didn’t you just think, “Hey, he can’t jump. He’d be perfect in Utah!” Well, the Jazz thought so, too…Isn’t it amazing that some of your friends still ask you why Andre Kirilenko’s nickname is AK 47?…Did Rasheed Wallace send Mehmet Okur one of those championship belts? Better question, will Mehmet think it’s a regular belt and wear it with all of his suits?…Gordon Giricek’s been traded more times than Yahoo stock…The average age on their team is 24.7. That’s also how many points they allow per game.

Seattle Sonics— There’s nothing super about these Sonics…They are fun to watch though, because they have guys like Ray Allen and Flip Murray who can score, and most NBA teams are lucky if they have two guys who can do that…Nick Collison is the slowest player in the league, and it’s not even close…Antonio Daniels is on his fourth team already. Who knew four of them would want him?…Reggie Evans won the power forward spot over Danny Fortson. Apparently the Sonics can never be too deep at “big guys who can’t make a layup.”…If you knew that Vitaly Potapenko went to Wright State, you’re a better man than I. If you can name where Wright State is, though, I can, too…Rashard Lewis is a stud…Wright State is in Dayton…I like saying Ibo Kutulay—I’m saying it right now…If I’m Nate McMillan I’m thinking I might want to have more than five career playoff games in my coaching career since I’m in my fifth season. Just a hunch…They’re going to miss Brent Barry because his wife used to send muffin baskets with him to work.

Pacific Division

Phoenix Suns— Wasn’t Leando Barbosa in Pirates of the Carribbean?…I like their new backcourt of Steve Nash and Quentin Richardson. But I like Nash because he can’t comb his hair and Q because he shoots it every time he touches it…I’m pretty sure I bought an Oldsmobile from Mike D’Antoni once…Shawn Marion is living proof you can be an All-Star and never learn how to make a jump shot…Amare Stoudamire dunks like the rim owes him money…Jake Voskuhl is still drawing an NBA paycheck. I’m going to go vomit now…Casey Jacobsen looks like somebody who could use a punch to the face…The tip off that Macije Lampe could actually play was when Isiah Thomas traded him…The Suns could be tough in the Pacific this year, because nobody in that division can play any defense and nobody can match the athleticism of Nash-Q-Stoudamire and Marion…Steven Hunter’s going to play on every NBA team at least once in his career because he looks like he should be so much better than he is. He’s like a 7’0 Dennis Hopson.

Los Angeles Lakers— Kobe Bryant wanted a team that could do two things, get him the ball and get out of his way. I’m not sure Chris Mihm can even get out of his own way, though…Vlade Divac is a great teammate because you can always bum a smoke off of him. Even during games…Exhibit 123,434,563 why choosing a name for your baby ought to be multiple choice and not fill-in-the-blank: Tierre Brown…Kobe’s a great player, but this team is just crap. I’ve seen more talent on the bill at a cruise ship comedy show…Remember when Brian Cook was 6’11 at U of I? Well, he’s 6’9 now. Either he’s playing barefoot or the tape measure’s broken in Champaign…Lamar Odom claimed he had to leave the Clippers for the Heat because he was having a hard time staying clean in LA. Where exactly do the Lakers play?…Caron Butler went from being one of four small forwards in Miami to one of about nine in LA…This roster looks like Mitch Kupchak raided the NBDL…Nothing says “Lake Show” like, “Now starting at point guard, Chucky Atkins!”

Golden State Warriors— I’m not saying that Mike Montgomery is out of his element in the NBA but he keeps referring to Andris Biedrins, Mickeal Pietrus and Luis Flores as his “exchange students,”…They have decided to build the franchise around Jason Richardson and Troy Murphy. They’re nice players but it’s like building a sitcom around Jason Alexander and Theo Huxtable…Is this the year Mike Dunleavy proves he can play, or is he just a more expensive version of Luke Walton?…Nice to see Calbert Cheaney’s contract parked in Oakland…Derek Fisher’s around in case the Warriors need somebody to shoot with .4 seconds left…Remember the beginning of last year when Clifford Robinson was putting up big numbers? Yes, that was his career death rattle…Montgomery thinks Speedy Claxton is going to be one of the best point guards. He also told me he thinks that mood rings are making a comeback…The best thing about playing for the Warriors is that you can live in San Francisco. The worst thing is that you have to leave your car in Oakland for at least six hours a day.

Los Angeles Clippers— They had a chance to stand pat for once and be the best team in the city. But they let Q Richardson go and made a trade to open cap space for Kobe, even though everybody in the world knew he wasn’t coming and they watered their team down…again…We looked at his medical records and Marko Jaric is allergic to his comb…Not only did the Bulls let a great player in Elton Brand get away to the Clippers, but now legendary point guard Rick Brunson is there, too!…Mike Dunleavy likes Shaun Livingston’s defense. He’s impressed that unlike his teammates, Shaun at least tries to play some…I loved Mikki Moore in “A Walk To Remember”…

…I’m pretty sure my first lawn mower was a Lionel Chalmers…Why don’t they just say it, “Chris Kaman is pretty athletic—for a big, white guy”…Michael Jordan loved Bobby Simmons, and I’ve seen Bobby play and I’m pretty sure that Michael only loved Bobby because Bobby was really bad at cards…Kerry Kittles? Really? Seriously?

Sacramento Kings— They think that “less is more” and that without Vlade Divac wheezing up and down the court that they’ll be better. Except Peja Stojakovic wants out (and the way he chokes in the playoffs there’s no reason to keep him) and Chris Webber’s still limping…I’m a big fan of Darius Songalia, but I’ve been fooled before, as my Anita Bryant record collection proves…Honestly, why do people keep giving Greg Ostertag a job?…Mike Bibby’s a good player, but it became pretty obvious last year that he needs Bobby Jackson…The Maloof Brothers are proof that enough money can make even the goofiest looking guys attractive to all women…I think their most tenacious player is Doug Christie’s wife…The hardest thing in sports is to admit that you missed your window of opportunity, but the Kings did it. They’ll never win a title with this bunch and might as well trade them while their value is there. Especially Webber. But that might not even be possible, now.

Southwest Division

Memphis Grizzlies— Why are they still the Grizzlies? I’ve been to Memphis and the closest thing I saw to a bear there was the hairy waitress at Corky’s Barbecue…If Jake Tsakalidis owes you money, he’s just resurfaced in Memphis…Hubie Brown’s success astounds me. It’s not that he doesn’t know basketball, because, surely, he does, but the fact that Jerry West could find 12 guys with the ability to listen to Hubie day after day without trying to jab a pencil through their neck is amazing…Hubie’s greatest trick has been getting Jason Williams to calm down on the court enough to actually be productive. His behind-the-back-pass-into-the-seventh-row move only comes out about twice a week now…Earl Watson is one of those guys who is a perfect backup point guard, but if Williams ever goes down and Earl becomes a 35 minute a night guy, it’ll be uglier than Earl’s ears…Mike Miller is the best player in the history of South Dakota and I don’t think new Bull Jared Reiner is going to push him…Shane Battier isn’t 38 years old, it just seems that way…The Grizz have moved into the posh new FedEx Forum. It’s posh by Tennessee standards which means it doesn’t have wheels on it.

San Antonio Spurs— The amazingly slow reflexes of their timekeeper aside, I’m still not sure they’d have beaten the Lakers last year in the playoffs…They finally figured out that if bricklaying Bruce Bowen is your biggest outside threat it’s time to upgrade, so they signed Brent Barry. He could be perfect on this team. He’s like Steve Kerr without the diplomat father…Robert Horry’s done as dinner…I’m a big fan of Manu Ginobili, but then I’ve been a sucker for his acting ever since “Beverly Hills Cop” and “Perfect Strangers”…Tim Duncan still has the “I can’t believe nobody on this team can make a jump shot” look on his face from the Olympics. I think it might scar him for life. He still has a recurring nightmare in which he tries to strangle Lamar Odom and Sean Marion but he keeps sinking into the weirdly shaped international three second zone…I can’t eat pizza and look at Greg Popovich’s face at the same time. Now, you won’t be able to either…I’m pretty sure Tony Parker has to remember to fake his French accent…How good can this team be? They signed both Linton Johnson and Mike Wilks after the Bulls cut them.

Houston Rockets— They’re pretty sure that Tracy McGrady and Yao are enough to help them move up in the West. That’d be true if they had anybody but Charlie Ward to play the point…When Mike Fratello says, “They’re really going to miss Bobby Sura tonight,” and means it, you’ve got problems…Maurice Taylor’s weight problems make him the Oprah Winfrey of the NBA. He’s overpaid at any weight but from week to week you don’t know what size shorts he’s going to need…If Jimmy Jackson were a cat his career would on life number eight…Scott Padgett is a cherry picker…Clarence Weatherspoon is finally becoming the next Charles Barkley after all. Neither one of them can play anymore…I’ll just never get the fascination over Tyronn Lue…Dikembe Mutombo not old enough to remember when the Earth cooled, but he was there when somebody invented the wheel…Juwan Howard has been in the league how long? And yet, he still only has one move and it involves pivoting to his right, jump stopping and bringing the ball down to his knees before his shot gets blocked? There are seventh graders in Wyoming with better post moves than Juwan…How ugly are the Van Gundy’s when Jeff is the “cute” one?

New Orleans Hornets— Welcome the Western Conference, Hornets, or as we like to say “your ticket to the NBA lottery!”…Chris Andersen’s hair defies gravity and common sense…Junior Harrington has the role of “last guy cut” on every version of “NBA Real Training Camp” ever made…I’m going to say it, Jamaal Magliore has too damn many ‘a’s in his name…Baron Davis has the biggest teeth this side of Churchill Downs…I’m not saying Baron’s teeth are big, but when he walks into the supermarket the carrots start to shake…What a shock, Jamal Mashburn is on the IR! Who saw that coming? Anybody?…Byron Scott is just glad that Jason Kidd isn’t, nor has ever been a Hornet…Darrell Armstrong is 36 years old. He doesn’t look a day over 40…I remember when PJ Brown was “untouchable” to trade in Miami. That should have been our first hint that Pat Riley had gone insane…David Wesley is still the only 6’1 shooting guard in the NBA. There’s a reason for that. It’s just not a good idea.

Dallas Mavericks— I’m so saddened that Mark Cuban’s ridiculous TV show was cancelled. How about a new one, “When bad things happen to goofy billionaires?”…I’m positive that Cuban traded for Dan Dickau just to get Dan’s wife into town. Hello!…

Wait a minute wasn’t DJ Mbenga that hack on E!…I think Devin Harris has the most underrated overbite in the NBA and that he could be the rookie of the year…Jason Terry does everything fast, including turning the ball over and getting beaten for layups…Shawn Bradley makes a better coat rack than a center…Calvin Booth? Alan Henderson? Is Cuban running a refugee center for bad Big Ten big men?…Jerry Stackhouse ought to fit right on yet another team where he shouldn’t be shooting as much as he thinks he should be…I love Dirk Nowitzki’s game, I just don’t love his teammates’…Marquis Daniels and Josh Howard are nice players–if the object of your season is to win 40 games…Don Nelson is going to let new assistant coach Avery Johnson do some of the head coaching this year. Don doesn’t have a fish tie in reality, does he?