Here’s all you need to know about last night’s Bulls game against the Suns. Journeyman (i.e. lousy) Adrian Griffin scored 10 points, had five rebounds and four assists in 24 minutes and not only did ComCast name him the player of the game, the Bulls retired his jersey. Not his number—his jersey.
This is how bad things have gotten, folks. Rimshot, please!
Eddy Curry looks great. He’s in shape. He got a haircut. He hasn’t punched a man lying helplessly on the floor in the nuts in nearly two weeks. There’s only one problem with Eddy. He can’t play. As for Tyson Chandler, well, he tries hard. He really does. He got eight rebounds in only 23 minutes. That’s great. Most of them were rebounds of his own shots. That’s not so great.
Spring training starts in 96 days.
I have it on authority (that’s a curious phrase, isn’t it?) that John Paxson has an 8 x 10 glossy of Jerry Krause pinned to the back of his office door. After nights like last night Paxson politely closes the door and then unleashes polysyllabic obscenaties at the photo. He then reminds himself that Krause is now a scout for the only team in baseball history to blow a 3-0 lead in a series.
The Bulls’ locker room is a curious place. Unlike the Cubs, they don’t have a neat guy like Gabor Bako entertaining George Ofman with showtunes played on the accordion. No, it’s classier than that. Andres Nocioni’s translator tries to fire up the guys before games by playing “We Will Rock You” on the lute.
It’s not working.
Everybody!
You got blood on yo’ face
You big disgrace
Wavin’ your banner all over the place
——–
Bob Brenly is in, officially, in the Cubs’ broadcasting booth and he says he never, ever, wants to manage again. This is good, because I will maintain until my dying day that he is the worst manager to ever win a World Series. The whole, “hey, let’s use BH Kim in every game in Yankee Stadium!” thing still causes me to twitch.
HOWEVER…you knew there’d be a however. He did beat The Genius and the Cardinals in the playoffs that year, so I’m being too hard on him. I am troubled by the way he explained that he doesn’t want to manage again. “I’ve scratched that itch until it’s bloody.” Eww.
That brings us to the final TV vacancy, the play-by-play job. Unlike the way we normally do things—which is we just make this crap up—we actually know what’s going on with the TV job. The tHom Brennaman thing is just a rodeo clown that Barry Rozner is chasing around. That’s not going to happen. And thankfully so, because our dislike for tHom is just a fraction less than that of Chip, and I have a feeling tHom could fill that gap in a hurry.
There are two finalists left. Matt Vasgersian was eliminated from consideration last week. It could be, like Rozner says, that it was because of his contract with the Padres. It could be because the XFL still has a hit out on him. I’m not sure.
So it’s Len Kasper or Dave O’Brien. O’Brien is the Cubs’ guy. They want him. He wants them. He’s pals with Rick Sutcliffe, and the Red Baron apparently sobered up just long enough to put in a good word for him. He’s even willing to move his family to Chicago! Hey, there’s a novel idea. Chip’s family couldn’t come to Chicago because they’re imaginary. Dave’s is real, so it’s easier to move them.
The only problem is that he’s got contracts with ESPN and the Mets. The Mets are the sticking point right now. They don’t want to let him out of his contract. It’s all negotiating at this point, though.
I spoke with a member of the Mets’ organization earlier today, and I promised him complete anonymity about the compensation the Mets want in return for O’Brien.
You’re sure nobody will know who I am, right? Because that Jay Horwitz [Mets’ PR director] is a vindictive SOB. I shouldn’t even tell you this.
OK, here’s the deal. The Cubs want O’Brien, but the Mets don’t want to have to go out and hire a replacement for him. So they have decided that in order for it to be worth their effort, they have to take Cliff Floyd.
I’m going to warn you right now that you don’t want Cliff. He’s a towel snapper.
Somebody could get seriously hurt.
Who could that be? I’m guessing it’s one of the Wilpons.
——-
Here’s the most interesting news of the offseason about Sammy. It’s not the bogus Sosa-Piazza-Green-Floyd three way trade, it’s this…
“Sosa has a prohibitive $18 million option for 2006 which vests if he is traded, and his agent, Adam Katz, said he has made preliminary inquiries with the Players Association to have the clause waived or modified. But Katz said he expected Sosa to remain a Cub.”
Now that’s the first we’ve heard of Katz looking into the chances of having Sammy’s option year voided or renegotiated. Very interesting. Just like we said before, ignore the BS about how there’s no way Sammy will be traded.
Green for Piazza seems like a good deal for both teams. Green, who a friend of mine once inexplicably described as “the Jewish Sandy Koufax” can hang out with Sandy at Mets’ spring training, and Piazza can lead the league in passed balls and homers by a catcher for the Dodgers.
The Mets could be after Carlos Delgado. Apparently, they learned nothing from Mo Vaughn.
Magglio says he’d love to limp around the Shea outfield.
Jason Varitek wants too damn much money for a 32 year old catcher. Especially one who hits 42 points lower on the road. Methinks he needs to stay in Fenway.
Pedro says he likes Dusty and would like to play for the Cubs. I’m telling you, the Cubs should finally atone for the Dennis Eckersley fiasco and turn Pedro into a closer. He’d be lights out. Can you imagine him coming in for one inning five times a week instead of trying to squeeze 100 pitches out of him once a week? This is just crazy enough to work. Too bad I’m not.
Scott Boras says that Bernie Williams told Carlos he can have center field in Yankee stadium. Sure, I believe everything Scott Boras tells me.
Kenny Lofton may be off to curse the Padres (scroll down).
Moises wants two years. No thanks. I want a solid gold bathtub filled with champagne and naked supermodels. I’m not getting that either, Mo.
How many f@#$ing times do people have to be reminded that Roger Clettitte never retired in the first place?
I’m an alum, and I’m amazed at how Joe Novak has turned the program around, but he’s just not a very good in-game coach.
By the way, Eric Collins is working for ESPN now? He wasn’t even terrible. Though maybe that’s because everybody looks good compared to Bob Davie?
Bob Brenly says his friendship with Dusty won’t cloud his opinions from the booth. But his addiction to oxy contin might. Oh, I kid!
Joe Borchard got released by the Mazatlan Deer? Muahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! That’s almost as sad as signing a 40 year old shortstop! Hahahahahahaha!
Vance Bedford admits he’s dumb.
Groucho continues to pile on poor Eddy.
Roz thinks tHom might come back. Sure. Whatever.
Ohio State is dirty, dirty, dirty!
Check out the dude sitting next to the Queen.
America’s finest news source says that mall cops are off to Iraq!
I don’t think Brenneman will return to the Chicago booth because it will dredge up some bad memories of the beat-down he got in Denver when he was a Cub announcer the first time around. I believed he used the old MASH excuse of "slipped on a bar of soap" or something about falling in the middle of the night in his hotel room.
Nice work on the Star Ledger story. The only reason to modify the clause is to enable a trade. I guess Adam and Sammy have figured out that Sammy’s not getting $18mm in 2006, period. They are trying to salvage something.
Maybe they should try their dignity, first.
I think the Yankees fired me back in August or September. Some sort of disagreement over me trying to put 3 cases of White Castles on my expense account.
Eric Collins also did the Iowa – Purdue game last Saturday. I wasn’t impressed. But he’s no Pam Ward.
I see the Chicago Tribune, in their college basketball preview, predicted Kansas to defeat Illinois in an Elite Eight game to get into the Final Four. Talk about worst-case scenario…
Wake me when they finally trade Sammy
Some interesting things about Bruce Levine’s "one or two hitting prospects to the Brewers for Dan Kolb."
Kolb’s ERA last year:
Pre All-Star – 1.62
Post All-Star – 4.88
LaTroy’s ERA last year:
Pre All-Star – 2.47
Post All-Star – 2.86
Over on CubsTalk.com the geniuses are claiming Sergio Mitre should be untouchable because he’s "young" and will get better.
Out of curiosity I looked it up.
Sergo Mitre, 23, dob Feb 16, 1981
Carlos Zambrano, 23, dob June 1, 1981
Carlos finished fifth in Cy Young Voting. Sergio finished tied for 87th.
However, doesn’t it seem odd that Carlos’ date of birth is June 1? That just smells like a phony date, doesn’t it?
Oh, well.
As for the "one or two hitting prospects" do the Cubs even have those?
Check out my new ESPN Column! I cover the free agents in the infield. http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/columns/story?columnist=rogers_phil&id=1919492
Well, the infield excluding the position where some penny ante free agents like Nomar, Orlando and Edgar are at.
Speaking of me, I’ve filed for freee agency if anybody’s interested.
Don’t worry about Carlos, Andy, we Venezuelans play well into our 50’s.
Sergio Mitre is untouchable because his arm is made out of pigshit.
I just moved to Chicago Area, and Is Sam Smith the worst writer ever or what? I cant believe he wastes people’s time writing those bull shit colums. None of those trades he offers make sense. Is he supposed to be big time writer or something in chicago?
Ravi, don’t make me trade you and Eddy Curry to Phoenix for Joe Johnson and a first rounder.
Kolb’s inability to strike anyone out scares me. A closer who lets nearly every batter put the ball in play is a disaster waiting to happen, particularly in Wrigley. I don’t believe you necessarily have to have a flame-thrower out there, but Kolb doesn’t fan anybody.
Dave B, hey, hi. Just wanted to let you all here know I’m watching you.
Ssshhh. Gotta putt, now.
Hey, I’m a free agent also! Me and Mo can platoon at first base!
First, you have to find a team willing to take on 35 million in salary.
Second, have the gorilla waive the option for 06′ and sign him to a 10 million extension thru 06′ with an option for whatever amount for 07′ and leave the 4.5 buyout.
That way Gorilla and his agent will get the 18 million they want in 2006.
10 million in base salary
4.5 buyout
3.5 severance that he is due.
—
18
The new team is stuck with Sammy for two years and 35 million.
The union should go for this because the gorilla is not giving back any guaranteed money. If the numbers are right I think that shaves about 8 million off the amounts if Sammy was traded today.
Dan Kolb can strike guys out, he just chooses not too. He can throw 119 MPH but tones it down to get more movement on his pitches. Like the one that Albert Pujols moved into the third deck at Busch in September.
I’m glad I have a lot of free time to enlighten you bozos now.
I’m lowering the terror alert level from High to Elevated. You are now free to run around outside while holding scissors.
That is all.
Honesty compels me to say that it’s a travesty that Matt Morris didn’t win the Cy Young.
Bobby Cox would never let this happen.
Hey Chip,
My wife is glad you’re coming on board again. I can start hitting you instead.
Your pal,
Bob
You should refer to Sammy as a gorilla a few more times…then your racial bigotry won’t be quite so thinly veiled.
Lighten up, Francis…
Sammy has been referred to as the 800-pound gorilla for a while now, because he sits anywhere he wants.
It’s not racial at all.
Besides. Were we being racial, we’d call Sammy a rasta-monkey.
No gorillas in the islands, mon.
So when Dolan refers to me as the "shaved possum" he’s not being ethnically offensive?
No, he’s trying to become a writer on my staff.
Yuk, yuk!
"However, doesn’t it seem odd that Carlos’ date of birth is June 1? That just smells like a phony date, doesn’t it?"
It’s true. No real person would be so bold as to have a kid on June 1.
We agree. All closers must throw 95 mph-plus to be effective.
Sure you can have a phone number that’s 123-4567, but the odds are against you.
Shhhh, Carlos. Nobody cares! They WANT to pretend you’re 12 or whatever, so they can make a big deal out of how young and excellent you are.
No. You can’t have a phone number that’s 1234567. All prefixes and area codes must start with 2-9.
But, I suppose you could have a phone number that’s 1-234-567-8910. Of course, you’d need to live in the Akron-Canton-Youngstown area.
I guess I might be lying about my age as well. DOB 6/1/1977.
Ah, the Cubs didn’t know it, but while they were enjoying a day off with a 10-33 record, 16 games behind the defending champ Phillies in the NL East, one of their franchise players was born in a manger in Venezuela.
Or maybe he was the ace for the Venezuelan Little League All-Star team that year.
Aren’t all thoroughbred racehorses born on January 1?
Well, I’m not lying about my age, but I look about 30.
You actually have struck out more batters than all but 12 pitchers in MLB history. I know that undercuts your argument, but still…
http://mlb.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/mlb/stats_historical/mlb_historical_player_stats.jsp?baseballScope=mlb&teamPosCode=all&statType=2&sitSplit=&timeFrame=3&timeSubFrame2=0&Submit=Submit&timeSubFrame=0&&sortByStat=SO
I’ve admited talking to the Mets about a deal for Sammy. I’m also thinking of signing Placido Polanco, my favorite of the 3 tenors.
How about me, Jim? I’d say all you REALLY need is another right-handed power hitter. Polanco’s a righty, but sometimes he takes walks, and that tends to clog the bases.
You guys are gonna love me! It’ll be like the Rondell White era all over again!
Uh Jeff, I walked 27 times this year, to your 49.
Cliff, if having you in left means that Carlos Beltran is playing center, I can live with that.
I started a rumor that the Cubs are gonna trade either Carlos, The Franchise or Sarah Wood for Eric Gange
Yeah, Ben should stay away from the brown acid.
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