We’re lucky here at Desipio. We know that. We have the most intelligent readership around. It’s because we tend to run off the weak and ill-informed, and only the really stubborn ones like Baker Basher come back for constant abuse. You have to respect that, in a way. Anyway, if there is a bastion for the simple-minded, Mark Grace loving minions it’s over at CubsTalk.com. I’m not going to bash CubsTalk in its entirety. Their publisher is well meaning, and their arrangement with what’s left of Rivals.com (now called Scouts.com) forces them to publish about twice as much as they normally would, which means that if half of what they were going to publish was going to be bad, well it’s now up to 66 percent, instead.
It’s even kind of a running joke around here that when one of the intrepid readers goes off on a weird, senseless tangent that we urge them to go hang with the short bus riders over at Cubs Talk. That’s not fair. I apologize. I don’t want to offend anyone who rides a short bus by lumping them in with the CubsTalk gang.
I freely admit that I do check their message boards and from time to time, I post. I’m normally completely fed up with something that one of their irregulars has posted, I write back. I have a very secret username that you’d never be able to guess. Very clever. It’s Desipioandy. It’s the same name I use when I check hookers into motel rooms.
I used to use Ken Caminiti, but my room kept getting tossed by the cops. So I changed.
CubsTalk is now called InsidetheIvy.com, and Juan Pierre can’t figure out where it went because he keeps typing InsidetheIvory.com, which, of course is a completely different site altogether.
So what got me wound up enough to center today’s Dose around another Web site?
Two things: 1) Kelly Dwyer sent me a link to his new Spanish-yes.com NBA column, and I needed an article to go around it.
2) Some twit wrote an anemic “Op/Ed” piece about Bob Brenly. Chuck already ripped him on IvyChat, but since nobody reads that I thought I’d point it out. Oh, I kid because I care. Or don’t care. One of those.
It’s there, but you have to scroll past the photos of the dead kids. Oh, how I wish I was making that up.
Anyway…
The article is called, creatively enough “Op/Ed: Brenly won’t be the voice of Cub Fans,” and it’s written by a guy named James Renwick.
Renwick’s credentials apparently are that he lives in or near Arizona and at one time owned a television. That’s fine, we’re not big on credentials, as you can tell by Jake and BC. Again, I’m kidding! Oh, I’m such a kidder today. Where was I?
First off, if you have to label a column as an Op/Ed, you’ve got problems right away. And this isn’t the New York Times, who calls them Op/Eds anyway? A better title for this would have been…
“Things I pulled straight out of my ass.” Wait, that was a David Sedaris book, wasn’t it?
I won’t bore you with the whole column, you can bore yourself with it if you want. But basically, it’s another thinly veiled column that those on the lunatic fringe will applaud because it just continues to obscure why the 2004 Cubs were a complete and utter waste of our time. It’s not because they fired their Lite FM deejay play-by-play guy and the montone smarty pants color guy quit.
But you’d never know it. Look, for the past few years my biggest hobbies have been ripping Chip Caray and helping Celine Dion humidify Las Vegas, so I’m not really one to talk. I was happy when Chip announced he was leaving to go run home to daddy and get out of our lives. However, he certainly came back running to any camera and tape recorder he could find when Stone announced he was leaving.
I just couldn’t understand the pathos over Stone’s departure. With that, I can’t understand the “oooh, he’ll never be as good as Steve” reaction to Brenly. I’m fired up about Brenly’s arrival because I was running out of Steve Stone jokes. He didn’t give us much to work with. How many things are there to mock a guy for when you run out of references to Consort hair spray, lung fungus, sliders in the dirt and visibility? Brenly’s mustache is good for two years worth of stuff alone, and that’s before he even starts to say stupid crap.
Another thing that cracks me up is the awkward headlines that they give things on InsidetheIvy.com. Gems like these:
Moises Alou: Talks to Japanese reporters about future
What’s that about? Does Moises predict that soon we’ll be driving hydrogen fueled cars and vacationing on the moon? And did he really talk to the Japanese reporters or did he talk to the American reporters who went along on the Japanese exhibition tour? Hmm?
Sosa Rumors Bountiful
I think maybe bountiful doesn’t mean what you think it means.
Sean Overholt: Prospect released
I’ve never heard of him, the Cubs gave up on him, just how big of a prospect was he?
Finally (mock applause fills the Internet), I do love the CubsTalk message board. Maybe too much. Because it’s so obvious that there are about 15 people who really just want to talk about the Cubs with other Cubs fans and there are about 20 irregulars who think it’s their duty to run around and shout down any real conversation. There are people on there who have posted more than 9,000 times.
Here’s some advice for them. There’s a big thing that hangs in the sky for hours at a time called “the sun.” Try and leave your “home” while it’s shining and see if you can uh…live?
That reminds me of my favorite Stewey put down from “The Family Guy.” A waiter brings the family their food and he says, “I hope you enjoy your meals.” And Stewey snaps back, “I hope you enjoy your studio apartment!”
——-
The Daily News says that the union will not stop Sammy Sosa from dropping the trade kicker from his current contract, meaning that whatever team (the Mets) trades for him will get him for the low-low price of $17 million in 2005 with a $4.5 million buyout of his $18 million option for 2006.
The New York Post (always factually correct) says the Sosa-Floyd trade could happen “this week.” Hey, I’m optimistic, but come on.
How can you tell Adam Katz is lying? His lips move.
The Cubs have a plan to push the outfield exterior walls out ten more feet to add 1,980 more seats. Those seats will be dubbed “the Jerry Martin seats” in honor of the great Cubs center fielder who hit 23 homers and drove in 73 runs in 1980, while batting a robust .227.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to rip Brian Urlacher for being “too tough.” Nobody will ever accuse Jay of such things.
SI.com’s Kelly Dwyer on those dumbassed Warriors.
Finally, here’s one for the Sloth.
Andy,
My videotaped tryst with R Kelly and a Chicago activist’s attempt to exotrt $$ out of me, my husband (Gary) and his agent escaped you this morning???
Family Guy, complimenting readers, and did I catch a Sports Night reference in there?
You turned a day of nothing into a readable dose. Teach Marriotti that trick.
Andy, do you have six fingers on your left hand, like former Cub Antonio Alfatseca? If so, that would mean you keep using an inconceivable word such as ‘bountiful’ when you really mean ‘plentiful.’
Aw come on DeLeon, I just wanted to "counsel" you.
Why am I wrestling a woman?
Thanks, first of all, for the wrasslin’ action. I might not have had as much problem completing my high school ‘wrestling section’ if one of them kitties was in my bracket.
But my question of the day is: the Wrigleyville fussbudgets went apesh*t about having columns driven into the sidewalk, but they’re gonna be OK with having half of the sidewalk ELIMINATED altogether?
See, this is the kind of 2004 pretzel logic that makes me scared to look anymore.
Oh yeah, Takeshi? Your show is the worst thing on TV – 20 times worse than anything Michael Fleiss can ever dream up.
Is that google news will pick up Cubstalk articles.
Come on Sloth, give me a chance before you declare Takeshi’s show the worst on television.
You’re risking a patient’s life!
Sorry, House, my bad. Thank you for clearing that up.
Thanks for the linkage, Andy. I was afraid I’d get ripped by you for not doing a good enough job ripping Renwick.
I’d apologize for the pics from Netanya, but I’m waiting for the Al-Asqa Martyr’s Brigade to apologize first.
And the PLO.
And the UN.
You get the idea.
Yes!
Yeah, 1980 was a heady time for me. My client led the Cubs in homeruns after they shipped out Kingman.
I fondly recall making deliveries to various Division Street bars after games. I was able to put in a swimming pool in my backyard after that season.
Good times.
Hey I’ve resigned with the Phillies…does anyone care?
Iron Chef is awesome! Cretins.
Andy, why no love for http://www.NSBB.com? We have several members that read your articles, come check it out we have hundreds of members, thousands of threads and best of all – its free.
Corey Lidle was a Phillie?
Why isn’t it Korey Lidle? That spelling seems just so ,uch more natural.
We’re just as aesthetically pleasing as female wrestlers…
You’ve gotta be kidding!
![]("http://www.fscclub.com/history/images/sumo-hist01.jpg"/)
Finally, an anti-Cubstalk article.
That is the single worst messageboard on the internet…about anything. Messageboards with a membership of FIVE people are better than Cubstalk.
And there’s this one guy there, uses the handle "XcubsX" and this douchebag just trolls the Cubstalk board with impunity. But the membership there, being too dumb to tie their own shoes, let alone spot an obvious troll, bow down to the guy and let him troll their board. He’s got about a million posts, and they’re all contrarian, and most of them are anti-Cub. I remember reading the board there the other day and seeing this XcubsX fag listing players who deserve to get into the Hall ahead of Ron Santo. Think about that. Worst of all, the players he listed had worse stats than Santo, which made it clear that the guy was just doing his usual anti-Cub trolling. But the kids there love his posts and think he’s especially smart. But he’s not. If he came here he’d get run out in a day.
On a sidenote, this XcubsX douche, before the Bears-Packers game, posted at the Bears board on the insiders network. He did his usual schtick, bashing the Bears under the guise of "cynical Bears fan" and the Bears fans absolutely shredded him. So it’s not an insiders.com-wide problem. It’s just Cubstalk that is retarded.
I’ve signed with the Expos everyone!!!!!!!!
Me too!!!!
I guess I’m not wanted back then. Hey Cubbies, I can play short!
My 2000 season was better. My bad.
I must agree with the person above. NSBB.com is pretty awesome.
So Andy, what is your relationship with CubsTalk.com now? Will you be doing any future articles that appear there (that is after all how I came across this site)?
Do some people just ask stupid questions without reading the actual Dose?
According to Jay Mariotti, I am a prominent free agent this year. I think Jay was thinking of Kreme filled donuts when writing his gem. Nice work again Jay!
I never wrote columns for CubsTalk, back when they had little or no content and were just starting their affiliation with Rivals, their publisher (who is a nice guy) asked if he could reprint some Desipio stuff.
The Chicago Tribune is reporting ESPN won’t let O’Brien out of his baseball contract, therefore the Cubs won’t be able to get him as a play-by-play announcer for next season.
So, it looks like it may be down to Vasgersian and Kasper. I’m not a Chip Caray fan and never will be, but both of those guys suck.
Hey, I’ll have you know that I own three televisions, but one of them only gets Bravo… Ummm, was that out loud???
By the way, awesome wrestling pic!…
I always wondered what happened to that hunchback dude Danny (?) from Nickelodeon’s ‘Hey Dude!’ back in the day…. Now if someone can tell me what ‘Brad’ has been up to since 1989 and how she’s looking these days?
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