Because you all care so much, I have a new, important decision to discuss with all of you. It will likely effect all of the readers here at Desipio intimately because it will no doubt have a profound influence on my writing from here on out.
I’ve decided to start smoking crack.
Lots of crack. Enough crack that I’ll look like the white, male Whitney Houston.
It’s the only way I’m going to get through the winter. As Mike Ditka would say, “It is what it is, gang. The Bulls are bad, gang. The Bears season ended when they drilled a hole in Urlacher’s leg, gang. The Cubs think bringing back Neifi Perez is progress, gang. The Cardinals won the pennant, gang. Smoke it up, gang.”
Besides, how bad can crack be, really? It’s just a little bit of cocaine and a lot of baking soda. It’s cheap! Heck, if you light up with a Zippo, your Zippo likely cost more than your high will.
I really see no downside to this.
So now that I’m on crack (or soon will be, because frankly I’ve been down every aisle in Wal-Mart and I cannot find the “crack section”) Desipio is going to get a lot better. I’m going to be like Edgar Allan Poe. You know he was brilliant when he was heroin. I’ll probably be more prolific. I can see this section alone transforming into the Hourly Dose. I’ll have all kinds of fun stuff to “riff” on six or seven times a day. Oh, it’s going to be great.
———
Until I can score some crack, though, you’ll have to just settle this.
So Dave O’Brien can’t come work for the Cubs because ESPN doesn’t want to set a precendent of losing a talented brodcaster before the end of his or her contract. What are the odds of that? Is anybody knocking down the door and trying to get Stu Scott? Honestly, if it wasn’t for ESPN DJ Stuey would be doing commercials as the “before” in laser eye surgery ads.
This is ESPN, the same network that thinks putting Skippy Bayless and the constantly spitting visage of Woody Paige on morning TV is a good idea. That wretched show, Cold Pizza, gets worse ratings than Gilad reruns used to.
You know what I’d do if I was Dave O’Brien. I’d get myself fired. Hell, Keith Olbermann tried to do it for the last eight months he was there. Olbermann did everything short of hop up on the desk and pinch one off on camera.
As you know, I was looking forward to having Dave in the booth. He actually reads Desipio. He was drawn to us by a GameCast of the 2002 playoffs we did where I referred to the O’Brien-Tony Gwynn-Jeff Brantley booth as the “Algonquin Roundtable.” He loved the Chip Caray Terror Alert meter.
We started trading e-mails again right after I ran the list of potential Chip replacements and he was on the list.
He had to wait until after the baseball playoffs to interview for the job, and then he was worried that I’d tipped off Ed Sherman because right after he got home he got a call from Ed. You and I know how Ed found out. He read it on Desipio.
But very quickly Dave became the Cubs’ top choice. Dave even promised to me that he’d never bring a guitar on the charter plane with him (something Chip did…often) and that he’d never say “Swung on…belted!” So everything was working out.
Yesterday he e-mailed to say that he’d come to a contract agreement with the Cubs but that ESPN and the Mets hadn’t signed off on it yet. It was our thought that the Mets would be the obstacle. But it ended up being the deep-thinkers at ESPN.
It’s funny how ESPN wants their announcers to be loyal to them, even though in the past 24 months they’ve run Rich Eisen, David Aldridge and Mel Kiper out of town for daring to ask for at-market contracts. This is a network that just hired Eric Collins for chrissakes! Eric couldn’t string a sentence together if you gave him those cheesy refrigerator magnets with words on them.
So now Dave’s stuck in the strange situation of going back to the Mets next year. How do you sign on to your first telecast? “Along with Tom Seaver and Keith Hernandez, I’m Dave O’Brien, the guy who tried to leave for the Cubs!”
I feel bad for Dave because he really wanted the job and would have been very good at it. When you think back on the history of Cubs TV play-by-play guys, the last time we had a coherent lead announcer was before Harry’s stroke. If you add sober to that you have to go back to the early days of Jack Brickhouse before he started to lose his mind. Man, it’s been a while.
Oh, well. We can always send Sammy to console Dave.
Zippo quit the troupe. Go find someone else to get your jollies with.
WHO CARES ABOUT DAVID ALDRIDGE?? IF THEY’D HAVE RE-SIGNED THAT SOFT-TALKING CLOWN, I WOULDN’T BE ON ESPN. YOU WOULDN’T WANT THAT, NOW WOULD YOU? I DIDN’T THINK SO.
How long is Dave’s remaining contract?
You’ve abviously forgotten my appearance in 1988 after Harry’s stroke…oh wait, you said sober?
"Good evening and welcome to another exciting night of Wednesday Night Baseball! I’m Dave O’Brien, along with the ex-Mr. Halle Berry David Justice and the piece of roadkill that is John Burkett.
We really have a game that only ESPN can bring to you: the Arizona Diamondbacks and the Colorado Rockies here in Coors Field.
You might be asking yourself, why the hell would ESPN give us this game as the late game when Oakland is hosting the Angels and the Dodgers have a big one at home against the Marlins. Of course, you could just be deaf after enduring Chris Berman’s hatchet job on the Boston Red Sox-Baltimore game from Camden Yards.
But come on, this is a big one! We’ve got Preston Wilson, an unhappy Todd Helton, who just last week demanded a trade after years of getting tired of seeing his team suck and the Rockies facing, um, well, um, the Diamondbacks. Who gives a damn about them since they fired the guy that should have been my partner this year?
Oh well. Has ESPN fired me yet? How long can Dan Roan keep my seat warm for me over there. Hmmm. Well, Dave Justice, before we get to the lineups, you know all about the seven words you can’t say on the air?"
I have to admit, I was much more disappointed at the news of no O’Brien than I thought I’d be. It would have been pretty cool to have the voice of the Cubs dialed in to the knuckle-dragging rantings of the posters on this site (and I mean that with the utmost respect).
You idiots! My name is ZEPPO!
Speaking of mind-altering substances Andy, next time you’re at Wal-Mart Karry and I are almost out of absinthe. I’m sure it goes without saying, but as always Karry would appreciate you taking advantage of the weekly buy one-get one Jergen’s lotion promotion….
I don’t know if B.C. has a request or not, Karry has him dressed up as the Gimp again and all chained up. I’m pretty sure he’s asleep.
Heard on AM 1000 last night:
Caller: "Why is ESPN so high on Mr. Booyah, Stu Scott? You know he was fired from his first job, as a teacher in the Chicago Public School system?"
Mac: (taking the bait) "You don’t say? Why was he fired?"
Caller: "He couldn’t keep his pupils straight!"
Much hilarity ensued. I nearly went in a ditch.
Andy,
Did you score that crack pipe from the Caminiti Estate auction?
We know your name, bro. WE WERE MAKING A JOKE!
Now, go back to CubsTalk.com with the other humorless jamokes.
I was making a joke too, as I was generally considered the least funny of all of us, and generally played the guy who didn’t "get" the jokes.
Andy, my office is just down the hall from 800 convicts. I’m sure one of them could hook you up if you really wanted. Unfortunately, you might end up looking like the "Moran" Cardinal fan.
ESPN has Eric Collins, Stuart Scott, Stephen A. Smith, Mike Hall, and Linda Cohn on their on-air roster.
You may think I’m a bad writer, but at least I don’t annoy you every single day or night like ESPN does.
Aren’t I still on the worst show on TV, screaming at Woody Paige?
Don’t sell yourself short, B.C. You may not annoy new everyday, but the memory lingers.
Besides. Who watches Sportscenter anymore? The Daily Show is much more compelling TV at 10 PM. As are Simpsons reruns, Three’s Company reruns, and even King of Queens reruns.
Hell, Pimp My Ride is better than Sportscenter.
ESPN is quickly becoming passe, if it hasn’t already.
I have two more years on me.
Just let me keep the seat warm for two years! I’ll bet Brenly wouldn’t object.
Seriously, who didn’t find ESPN’s self-congratulatory "25 Years of ESPN" completely nauseating? They have officially crossed the line into celebrating themselves more than sports. It’s all about THEM now. The best part of ESPN–Patrick and Olbermann back in the mid-to-late 90’s–has turned into a curse. Now all of these assclown doofuses are trying to "out-hip" each other every night, Stu Scott being the most egregious example. Kenny Mayne’s okay, I guess, but just about everthing else about ESPN is rotten to the core, including Patrick, who uses his radio show to show to fellate his buddy athletes and try to impress upon listeners that he’s as cool, and therefore as deserving of adulation, as the athletes.
Ummm, NOT.
A panicked Cardinals fan claims that I was on the radio saying that the Cubs appear to be the frontrunners for both Carlos Beltran and Edgar Renteria.
The Cubs offer is allegedly more than the Astros and more attractive to Carlos than what the Yankees have offered.
Edgar’s not keen on backloading a deal with St. Louis. I’d think that with Lassie Edmonds around, he knows about backloading.
YES!
of almost 4500 votes, 82% (3971) people think the Cubs should sign Troy Percival.
Two possibilities:
1) Cubstalk linked to the poll
2) Sox fans are voting
if it’s #2, thank god that "CUBS SUCK" wasn’t an option.
I love the F5 button!
#20, what time did this moran hear you say this? I heard Stark on Mike & Mike this morning, but he mostly talked about Vlad Guererro winning the MVP and Kenny Williams announcement that he will not sign any of Scott Boras’ clients (like we didn’t know that already).
Anybody think that the Cubs will find a way to get Dave out of his ESPN deal so that they can make an ever bigger deal out of just how hard they worked to bring the best announcer available to town?
All respect to Dave O’Brien, but I’m way more concerned about how the Cubs plan to jimmy Sosa’s contract and Beltran’s contract than Dave’s.
Now for something really important.
Is there interest in bringing back the old Desipio message board?
Sloth, that’s message, not massage.
It’s been a couple of years, if there’s interest we’ll try it for a third time. What the hell?
You know what you need Andy? A Desipio fan convention. I’d snap up tickets right away, and I bet you could get Dave O’Brien to show.
Yeah, cool. You could have it at the Clock Tower, with special autograph sessions/pie eating contests at the Machine Shed.
Homies, don’t be haterizing on me. I am butter because I am on a roll. Just because I talk like a Tom and have a freakishly Sammy Davis Jr.-esque eye, don’t mean I cain’t do all-y’all propuh.
Sheet, I’d run laps around my main man Dave to the O to the B. All I know is I thought Davey only had one year left on his contract.
The 411: ‘GN should let Dan Roan warm the seat for the year or two until my man Dave can take over. That’s the straight dope, as seen from my crooked-a$$ eyes.
One more thing:
Nicolette Sheridan, nude, 15 years ago…BIG DEAL!!
Nicolette Sheridan, nude, now…big deal.
I don’t think beautiful Rockford could stand such an influx of Cub-obsessed fans. The Desipio convention can only be held at one place: The Giant Urinal Cake. Where better to stick it in the eye of the World’s Greatest Fans?
I’ve only been a Despidiot for about a year now. What does the Massage Bored give us that the Dose Comments don’t?
Anything beyond a threaded library of comments?
What’s the deal with Len Kasper? I mean, come on! He’s a Jew! And what is up with the Tribune hiring him? There are no Jews there… What is up with this? Hey, I don’t know about you, but I think Cubs fans had enough Jewness with Stone. Now, talk about a Jew, I mean, c’mon!
#32, I been to Rockford, and I wouldn’t call it beautiful. And I grew up in Joliet.
That’s gold Jerry…GOLD!
I’ll have you know that I produced the games on WGN for years ans years and years.
Rosenberg ain’t exactly a Sweedish surname, you know….
I’ll have you know that I produced the games on WGN for years ans years and years.
Rosenberg ain’t exactly a Sweedish surname, you know….
This is why I’m asking if we even need it. If we don’t, then screw the message board. One less thing for me to worry about.
CT, you missed the ironic lilt in my keyboard voice. The cold impersonality of comment boards and all…
Trading in one hole (Rockford) for another (St. Louis) is akin to throwing over on Cameryn Manheim and shacking up with Shelley Winters.
Oh, Jack, you too fell for the lack of oh-so-important ironic tone of my post.
I think there is a long list of obvious Jews working for the Trib:
–Dave Kaplan
–Milt Rosenberg
–Spike O’Dell
I mean, c’mon!
Sorry about that Rockford. Anyway, Jayson Stark is reporting on ESPN.com that the Tigers have signed Troy Percival to a free agent deal, and will probably trade Ugeth Urbina.
God Bless the Cub fans, I signed with the Tigers!!!!!!!!
2005 Desipio Summitt Agenda
3:30-4:30p.m. Registration
4:30-5:00p.m. Meet and Greet / Cocktails served by Desipio 1st Annual Campbell Brown Lookalike Contest Entrants
5:00-5:04 p.m. Keynote speaker – "What Did My Agent Get Me In To?" : Milt Palacio
5:04-5:10p.m. Desipio Staff Autographs and Photos
5:10-5:30p.m. Cocktail Intermission
5:30-7:00p.m. Concurrent Sessions
"Pull My Finger And Guess What I Had For Lunch": Karry Ling
"How To Make Friends and Influence People": Brian Crozier
"Pass the Rock, Catch the Rock, Smoke the Rock": Andy Dolan
"Mind If I Dance With Yo Date?": Jake Potter
7:00-8:00p.m. Dinner/Entertainment
"Name That Tune": Kelly Dwyer
Desipio 1st Annual Campbell Brown Lookalike Contest Swimsuit, Talent and Interview Judging
8:00-8:30 p.m. Intrepid Reader/Poster of the Year Presentation
"If There’s Grass on The Field": Sloth
Desipio 1st Annual Campbell Brown Lookalike Contest Results
8:30-9:00p.m. Door Prize Drawings
• Broadcast an Inning with Jim Tocco
• One Night Stand with the Desipio First Annual Campbell Brown Lookalike Contest Winner
• An Evening of Designated Driving for Karry Ling and Jake Potter Immediately Following Closing Ceremonies
9:00-9:30p.m. Adjournments / Closing Remarks
"Don’t Forget To Tip Your Waitress, and Hit the PayPal Link" : Andy Dolan
As the resident neocon at Tribune’s Op-Ed page, I resent the assertion that Jews don’t exist here.
Or maybe I’m not Jewish. Am I?
Chapman?
Troy certainly thought highly of his children and wife in that relocation. Nothing like trading in a North Shore address for a Detroit one.
According to his agent from the Tribune article:
"…his visits would let him ‘get a feel of what their chances are to win a division, what ownership and management is like.’
‘The city is one of the issues. This is the first time he has done this. He wants enough time to find a place [to live] for his wife and kids.’"
Yeah, money wasn’t important. The Tigers are poised to run away with their division and a World Series celebration would make their annual Halloween destruction pail in comparison.
Good luck, Troy! Enjoy the kisses from I-Rod.
I swear, Jake stole that itinerary right off my desk. Tremendous.
As for Percival, he can’t figure out how ESPN had the power to force him to honor the offer he got from Detroit.
Man, the Mouse wields some power, even with Pixar gone.
The idiots on Cubs Talk are up in arms about losing Percival. Here are a couple of good ones.
———————————-
Unreal.
If we end up with JoBo, we’ll miss the playoffs. Guaranteed.
———————————-
JoBo as our closer = another 3rd place finish in the Central.
I’ve often stated (not on here) that the secret to a good bullpen is finding the 5-6 best arms you can get. If you have 5-6 quality arms I think the closer will find itself. Sort of like Borowski 2 years ago. I think our bullpen will be fine next year. Even if we don’t get a "closer."
I just want to know if there will be ashtrays and free matches available after the autogrpah session.
And there seems to be to small an emphasis on alcohol.
P.S.: The message board would seem to take away from the talkbacks. Unless I’m missing somehting beyond the threaded archive, I vote: No.
I know you care about my opine. Or don’t care. One of those.
Last time JoBo was our closer, we went to the NLCS. He didn’t even pitch in games 6 or 7. And he closed out two NLDS wins.
Randy Johnson would make a good closer for the Cubs.
Damit Jim Hendry, I knew I should not have sign so soon. These contracts everyone are getting seem high. I look like a bargain right now.
I like Andy’s suggestion of Pedro for closer. Nothing would be sweeter than an 8-inning gem by the Lawnmower, capped with a 13-pitch, 100-mph 9th by Pedro.
Bust the bank: Pedro, Beltran, Nomar/Renteria… The world would tremble at the Cubs feet.
Andy’s suggestion of Sosa for Jaun/Juan and the Marlins IOU on Hampton is better than getting Beltran.
Best would be trade Sammy for Jaun/Juan, sign Beltran, and trade Korey for a closer.
I reads beautifully on paper, Chuck, but I am not sold on the idea of the Marlins jetisoning Pierre. He is the catalyst of that offense and without him on base, Florida would be left with Lowell and Sosa belting solo shots.
I guess I am saying I like the idea, but I doubt the execution. Here’s keeping my fingers crossed…
Let me be the closer! I’ll lead the league in K’s…both ways!
You’re right, JH. But the angle on Pierre is that he’s one season shy of Free Agency, if my info is right.
Sounds like D Lee last year.
Fine, if the Cubs get Pierre, give Flahridah Cubs farmhand Pie as their CFOTF to seal the deal.
I wrote Ebony and Ivy with Juan Pierre!
Take my wife, please!
After pleading with the Tower suits, they’ve decided to finally step up and play ball with Steinbrenner, Henry, Moreno and friends. It’s time for this franchise to flex its muscles!
1. Trade Sosa + Lee for Todd Helton.
2. Trade Wood and Brownlie for Melvin Mota, BJ Ryan and Brian Roberts.
3. Trade Michael Barrett, Kyle Farnsworth and Sergio Mitre for Jason Kendall and Mike Gonzalez.
4. Sign FA outfielder JD Drew.
5. Re-sign FA 2B Todd Walker.
6. Re-sign FA pitcher Glendon Rusch.
7. Sign FA catcher Todd Pratt.
8. Sign FA pitcher Steve Klein.
9. Trade Mike Remlinger to the Yankees for prospect Dioner Navarro.
10. Re-sign FA pitcher Matt Clement.
The world will tremble at our feet. Try this lineup on for size:
1. Kendall, C
2. Helton, 1B
3. Mora, LF
4. Drew, RF
5. Ramirez, 3B
6. Patterson, CF
7. Walker, 2B
8. Roberts, SS
Um, the first 4 hitters in that lineup posted OBPs over 400 last year, the 5th hitter did 372 and is best run producer on the team; all of 1-5 make good contact. Walker and Roberts are solid, Patterson has his power, defense and speed.
Bullpen? BJ Ryan is your new closer, with Hawkins in setup, Gonzalez is your 7th inning man, Dempster and Leicester in long relief, Klein is the LOOGY.
This team will win 110 games.
Yes, by doing these things the Cubs new budget becomes $120MM/year. Such is the price of World Domination.
At least switch Helton and Mora in the lineup.
Gary Sheffield’s not the only one to get haunted by his wife’s ex-lover!
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=1924910
My name’s Manny, not Melvin. And I usually pinch hit for Pedro Borbon… Borbon… Borbon…
I’m slang in español for marijuana.
Jake, you are a genius, man. I’ll waive my standard apperance fee for this bash. Who decides which talent the Campbell Brown lookalikes will attempt?
I thought it was mandatory that the Campbell-alikes have to pour a liter of Wild Turkey down my gullet!
By the way, Andy put me in charge of the new message board at https://www.desipio.com/messageboard
Man, five-o arrested me last night for reckless driving and not having my insurance. It’s bullshit. I go to court next week. Naturally, I’m pleading insanity.
Your honor, my client had his insurance card, it’s just that when the officer asked him for it, he dropped it!
Hey, I’ll be here all week! Try the veal! Give it up for Alex Kaseberg!
Next month, whatever. Fuck you.
Andy,
I can’t seem to be able to register on the message board.
Am I just being stupid, or am I missing something?
https://www.desipio.com/messageboard/index.php?action=register
Make sure you fill everything out and agree to the Terms and Conditions, oh and read them. It’s worth it. Trust me.
Good idea, Hendry. The Cubstalkers love me, too. In between all the stupid posts about how bad the team chemistry was and what a bunch of whiners the 2004 Cubs were, there were posts about replacing Mercker with me.
You know, since unlike exploding head and all his bad making phone calls, I’m such a good clubhouse guy. I never flip off my manager or anything, and it’s not like I’ve ever said Mark Prior ought to be hit in the head with a line drive.
Sign me up!
I also tried registering around 10-15 times (If it doesn’t work I stubbornly just try it again, kind of like my attempts at getting a girlfriend that are lame, but I keep doing the same things even though I know what I’m doing is lame), so if you have to approve me for it just pick one of my registration attempts.
Thanks.
Melvin Mora sucks. Only someone who only reads his stat line could think he was any good. He’s brittle and can’t field. His fielding pct. at 3rd was on the order of .889 at one point.
B.C. don’t talk like that baby. You’re money! You’re so money!!! You’re a bad man, you’re a bad man, you’re a bad man…
It could be said that David Terrell was not in Good Hands.
Jake, if you say that, does that mean I have to dance with B.C.?
I would do anything to post… but I won’t do that.
Here are the two error messages I keep getting:
An Error Has Occurred!
You already registered just 5 seconds ago!
An Error Has Occurred!
You will have to wait about 5 seconds to login again, sorry.
—–
Heather, I suck at dancing. Heck, you don’t even have to talk to me. Just like the rest of the women that also avoid that with me…..
Hey, evidentally, it’s big news that I’ve signed to play baseball at Texas! Go Yankees!
http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/wire?section=mlb&id=1925385
I registered and immediately proceeded to post and tinker with my profile. Did you try just posting (instead of, say, registering again)?
If not, check whether you accept cookies. I wouldn’t make an exception … unless I registered 55 times for it and got messages saying "You already registered just 5 seconds ago!"
hey can we just get over the idea of signing any former Tards’ players? Have the Cubs ever signed a useful one?
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