If Friday night’s Pistons-Pacers-Pistons’ “fans” melee taught us anything, it’s that there is no longer any need for the NHL. They can just stay locked out for all we care. Even our over-the-top violence quota is being met by the NBA now.
What does it say about me, that my two favorite moments from the fight on Friday involved fans getting their asses beat? My most favorite was watching the guy in the black shirt (far right) jumping up and down because he was so excited that Ron Artest had snapped and was charging into the stands. The amazing thing was that Artest was almost directly on top of this dope before he figured out that he was about to get the beatdown of a lifetime. Artest slammed the guy’s head into his seat.
My second favorite moment was when the fat guys in the Pistons jerseys wandered onto the court as Artest was leaving. One of them did a little boxer shuffle and for a split second raised his hands. He then got two Artest right hands to the face. Then, when he got up, he got a Jermaine O’Neal fist to the nose.
Did those morans deserve their beatdowns? As entertaining as it was, no. Though you have to know better than to come onto the court during a fight. Over on ESPN they were in high gear trying to absolve the players of any wrongdoing. Look, your mom used to tell you that “two wrongs don’t make a right” and this is her test case.
The fans were wrong to throw crap at the players. The players were wrong to start beating on the fans, and then the fans were wrong to start beating up the players (like Fred Jones and Rasheed Wallace) who were trying to break up the fight.
So for Screamin’ A. Smith to defend the players without question, and for John Saunders to take the opportunity to vault onto his high horse, was just absurd. Tim Legler hasn’t had a cogent thought in two years and Friday was no different and Greg Anthony still wanted to talk about how he doesn’t think the Hornets will win a game until Christmas.
Christmas, by the way, is when the rematch between the Pacers and Pistons will be held. That’s a dream scenario for the league, isn’t it?
Were David Stern’s suspensions too harsh? Not really. Think about it from the league’s perspective. They’re having attendance problems as it is, do they really want to send a message that if the fan next to you throws something on the court and a player thinks you did it and breaks your skull that they don’t mind all that much? Probably not.
Artest got the rest of the season, 73 games. It’s basically what Rangers’ pitcher Frank Francisco would have gotten if there were 73 games left in the season when he chucked the chair into the stands in Oakland. Here’s the one that surprises me, Stephen Jackson “only” got 30 games. This dude was just looking for a fight. How he only gets five more than Jermaine O’Neal is beyond me.
Ben Wallace got six, and he deserved them. No, he didn’t assualt the fans, but even if his overreaction to Artest’s foul was uncalled for, he started the “hey, let’s throw stuff” antics by throwing a towel at Artest while Ron was inexplicably lying on the scorer’s table.
Like a monkey crap fight, the first thrown object started the rest and we know what happened after that.
There should be more suspensions, though. Screamin’ A. Smith should get 30 games for gratuitious ass kissing in the wake of the fight. His over the top defense for the players was absurd, and done only so that he can grab as many “exclusive” interviews as possible from this mess.
But the real assclown was Jim Gray. He threw his journalistic integrity out the window forever by moving into Kobe Bryant’s guest house this summer, but he really went overboard on Friday when he started to cry during a postgame report from the court. He could barely pull himself together to interview an Auburn Hills police officer. The whole thing had “William Hurt in Broadcast News” written all over it. Gray should be sentenced to an entire season of covering women’s college basketball.
Both coaches proved to be nitwits, too. Larry Brown threw a tantrum at the scorer’s table and tried to blame the “forfeit” on his PA announcer. Rick Carlisle came on and said he was “fighting for his life.” Holding a clipboard over your head while fans throw peanuts at you is not “fighting for your life.”
Speaking of Carlisle, do you think he’s really all that bummed about not having to deal with Ron Artest for the rest of the season? Going 25 games without Jermaine O’Neal will be no fun, but you have to believe Carlisle’s relieved that he gets ten Artest-free months.
The only guys who seemed to have things in perspective were ESPN’s on-site reporters, Mike Breen and Bill Walton. They ripped the players and fans equally. When Bill Walton’s the voice of reason, there’s trouble.
Somewhere, Chad Kreuter was watching TV on Friday and feeling that Artest was justified. Krueter, you’ll remember, once went into the stands behind the visitor’s bullpen at Wrigley because a fan stole his hat. Chip Caray blamed the whole fight on the fans, and the few people who didn’t think he was a complete tool, figured it out. You can only imagine the discussions Chip had with his imaginary family on Friday after he saw this.
————
Hey, everybody who thinks that Brian Urlacher is still overrated please stand up! Anyone? Anyone?
That Bears game was so bad that NFL Films couldn’t get it to stick to the videotape. Thankfully.
Fox’s second game was no treat, either. Eli Manning turned in a Craig Krenzel-like performance 17-37, two picks, 162 yards, and Cris Collinsworth and Troy Aikman kept fellating him to the end. Look guys, Eli might well turn into a very good player, but he wasn’t one on Sunday, no matter how much you wanted to believe he was.
———–
The Cubs finally hired a guy to fill Chip Caray’s enormous clown shoes, and it’s Len Kasper, or Ken Lasper, or somebody. Nobody’s ever heard him, or even heard of him. But, it’s nice to see a play-by-play job go to a guy who isn’t the illegitimate son or grandson of a broadcast hall of famer. Since his last name’s not Buck, Brennaman, Caray or Albert, you have to think that Kasper’s been getting jobs on merit, not on nepotism. So that’s a good thing.
So good luck, Len, or Ken, or whatever.
———-
The Desipio Message Board is already a runaway hit. The reason it’s there isn’t to steal posts or traffic away from the articles in this part of the site. But it’s a chance to have longer discussions about things, and to help us from having the Cubs hijack the comments field in every article. So sign up, and join in on the fun.
The Colts’ offense was good. The Bears as a whole, were anything but.
Lovie’s going to stick with Craig Krenzel. Nobody can fumble like our pal, Craig! But really, it’s not like Lovie has any other options.
Illinois has a noon press conference scheduled to discuss the football program. I don’t think it’s to announce a Ron Turner contract extension.
The Bulls lost…again. To the not so good Lakers.
Chris Duhon can’t shoot. Oh, come on, we knew that. But let’s talk about how gutty he was in the NCAAs with those sore ribs!
Kent Mercker tells his side of the story with regards to Stone and Caray. He admits calling the booth and talking to Frau Blucher, but claims he never yelled at Steve or Chip. Frankly, I hope he did yell at Chip. I also hope the story about him taking Chip’s guitar and bashing it on the drink cart was true. But I just made that one up.
Groucho’s Monday grab bag. A scout compares Vince Carter to Purvis Short (ouch) and Byron Scott thinks Amare Stoudamire could be the next Shawn Kemp. What, Amare won’t wear a condom, either?
Skip Myslenski needs a haircut, and he thinks Georgia Tech can go a long way this year. They’re still better than Kansas, I know that.
Teddy Greenstein acts like we care about Auburn. How cute.
Lacy J. Banks says it was only a matter of time for Artest.
Heads up for the NCAA…Dee Brown is making jumpers so far this year. You’ve been warned.
Peter King does some Eli asslicking in his MMQB. What’s the deal?
Glendon is back for two more years. Odds are that one of them will be good, right?
Phil Rogers gives Jim Hendry a little respect. Over on baseballprimer they’re ripping Hendry for getting the worst of the four team Nomar trade. All he tried to do was win the World Series. Apparently there aren’t any stats for that. But then he’s no Paul DePodesta.
Andy, you don’t understand. If you take the square root of Mota’s winshares and add LoDuca’s VORP, it’s obvious that the Hee Seop Choi deal was a steal.
I’m your new 2B, bitches!
Anyone know what Reggie Miller or Derrick Coleman did to deserve a suspension? Miller seemed to be protecting Artest as he got off the court. I didn’t know that Coleman was still breathing.
Love the message board. Comments will fall by about 90%.
Miller, Coleman and Campbell all got the 1 game suspensions for leaving the bench during the initial Artest-Wallace fight, which is to be expected because it is the normal punishment for that action. They weren’t suspended for anything to do with the crowd riot.
Where you getting that from? Not Cubs.com or espn.
where can I d/l a tape of the fight – I’ve only seen it once; it’s must.
Are you kidding me? I think even The Weather Channel is showing the fight every half-hour.
We are disgusted and appalled by the senseless violence of the aforementioned basketball melee. We only run the tape non-stop to underscore the depth of this tragedy.
This is outrageous! Outrageous! I will have to spend the entire week talking about the outrage because if no one knows that I don’t think this is outrageous, there will be no outrage.
http://florida.marlins.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/multimedia/index.jsp?c_id=fla
These Len Kasper soundbites are atrocious! Honestly compels me to say that this guy does not talk enough. There were actually times when no one was talking! What kind of amateur act is that? Not once did he say "Swung on…belted!" He never called anything a rocket shot or a little ground ball. The guy is a hack! Pathetic.
The first call, the Juan Encarnacion stolen homer against the Cubs was good though…oh, that was me. The Marlins used mine because I was so excited about it!
An entire season of women’s college basketball? I think that would be classified under "cruel and unusal punishment".
I still laugh everytime I see Artest punch that fat little Pistons fan.
Boy it sure was brave of me to wait until the broadcasters both quit and left town to come forward and refute their story. I mean, it’s been on my To Do list since August, but I just never got around to telling my side of the story until now. And it’s the TRUTH. Please give me a contract…please?
No kidding, Kent. You ought to be classy about it like me and not talk about it until AFTER you sign with, say, your daddy’s team.
Who says I’m your new 2B?
Didn’t all this Tony Womack speculation start with Chris DeLuca or Mike Kiley(all the stories in other papers refer to a Chicago Sun Times article)? Consider the source(s).
I’m also talking about a possible Womack deal…
The Artest-O’Neal one-two punch on the court was actually against two separate fans.
Seeing the video 47 times in 24 hours, I was able to determine the first fan who wanted a piece of Artest got the beats laid on him, and went down in a heap. As Artest is being ushered away from the felled medium-fat fan who pinned on the ground, Fatty #1’s similarly dressed, extra-fat cohort advanced on the retreating Artest, only to be cold-cocked superhero style by a sliding-into-the-picture O’Neal, who had to be thinking [in sing-song Mighty Mouse voice] "Here I come to punch you out!"
The extra-fat fan (Fatty #2) crumpled to the floor, shivering out cold like a freshly clubbed mackerel you have just landed in the boat.
It’s confusing because Fatty #1 and Fatty #2 are both obese, slovenly, and wearing matching outfits. And they both likely have shiners today.
While charging into the stands is inexcusable for a player, charging onto the court as a fan earns you any skull thumping you should get.
Which one did I hit? Fatty #1 or Fatty #2? My lawyers will need to know.
Jermaine–you waylaid Fatty #2 into the Fat Lip Line. Or, in his case, the Even Fatter Lip Line.
The funniest part of today’s Mercker story is that he makes Andy’s girl Sharon Panozzo the "heavy" by saying she relayed the call to Chip and Stoney.
Who, Frau Blucher?
Oh, she’s a peach.
Ze staircase…can be treacherous…
No?
Do you vant some Ovaltine?
That’s EYE-GORE!
DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING DEATH FOR ME! DESTINY! DESTINY! NO ESCAPING DEATH FOR ME!
It’s TWOO! It’s TWOO!
Craig Biggio has an an enormous schwanzstucker.
Voof!
Let me out. Let me out of here. Get me the hell out of here. What’s the matter with you people? I was joking! Don’t you know a joke when you hear one? HA-HA-HA-HA. Jesus Christ, get me out of here! Open this goddamn door or I’ll kick your rotten heads in! Mommy!!
For as long as I can remember people have hated me. They looked at my face and my body and they ran away in horror. In my loneliness I decided that if I could not inspire love, which is my deepest hope, I would instead cause fear. I live because this poor half-crazed genius, has given me life. He alone held an image of me as something beautiful and then, when it would have been easy enough to stay out of danger, he used his own body as a guinea pig to give me a calmer brain and a somewhat more sophisticated way of expressing myself.
But Steve, I was gonna make espresso!
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