“That’s why the Patriots are the Patriots, and the Chiefs are the Chiefs,” stated John Madden time after time after time after time (43 total by my count) during the Kansas City Chiefs’ 3rd straight loss of a must-win game. At least I’ve got Corey Dillon on my fantasy team, so I’ve got that goin’ for me—which is nice.
This was after what must have been the lamest, most vanilla Monday Night intro in the history of modern television (“8′ o clock. Monday Night”—repeat). I was hoping the shock-and-awe would continue but this time with Desperate Housewife Bree reprising her psychotic nature as the former Mrs. Michael Mancini from Melrose Place and revealing a shaved head before slipping in to a hot tub with both Dick Vermeil and Willie Roaf. Even if you don’t watch DH, surely you saw the commercials from a couple of weeks ago with the underrated redhead opening up a fur coat to reveal a red matching bra and panty set and a smoking hot bod. Much more revealing than the illusion of Nicolette Sheridan dropping her towel, but I digress…
Although Madden can be a tad repetitive, he’s absolutely right. The Patriots are smart, the Chiefs are dumb. The Patriots are fast, the Chiefs are slow. The Patriots can throw, catch and tackle, the Chiefs —- well, you get the idea.
The NFL is all about talent, and if I’ve learned anything during my years as a frustrated Chiefs’ fan it’s that their current front office, led by President/CEO/General Manager Carl Peterson and absentee owner Lamar Hunt, has absolutely no clue how to evaluate it.
Last January all the Chiefs’ defense had to do to win their first playoff game in a decade was force the Indianapolis Colts to punt once. Just one time and they couldn’t do it. Not even at home. So this off-season they fire their defensive coordinator Greg Robinson, hire Gunther Cunningham and blame all of their woes on the scheme. They enter the 2004 NFL Draft with two glaring weaknesses; wide receiver and the entire f-ing defense.
With a potent offense and a hall-of-fame coach both nearing the end of their respective shelf lives, rather than move up to get a playmaker on either side of the ball, Carl Peterson trades the #30 pick (Virginia Tech RB Kevin Jones—franchise back?) to the Detroit Lions for a 2nd (#36) and 4th (#105). Astute move assuming he was confident his man would stay on the board for six more picks AND was determined to be productive this season. As always, Carl Peterson got it half-right with Oregon DT Junior Siavii. Sia-who? Exactly. With USC Wide Receiver Keary Colbert still on the board, they used their next pick (#62) on a tight end (Pitt’s Kris Wilson). It’s as if Carl Peterson were auditioning for a Guinness commercial. If I were BC this would be a good time to say that what I meant by the Guinness remark is that their current ad campaign features two gentleman repeatedly declaring each other as “Brilliant!” and Carl is quite obviously not in fact brilliant. If I were still BC I’d openly whine and wonder why girls don’t talk to me. Moving on…
The thing is you can swing and whiff on one draft. But to remain competitive, you’ve got to have the occasional first or second rounder pan out for you. I am more sure than ever that this will not happen during Carl’s tenure.
2003 – With Priest Holmes’ contract in need of serious restructuring, Carl opts to draft for leverage rather than production as everyone knows Penn State running backs are garbage in the league. (#27 – Larry Johnson, with CB’s Andre Woolfolk and Sammy Davis, OLB Boss Bailey still on the board).
2002 – The Chiefs beat the Vikings in a foot race to the podium for the privilege of landing North Carolina DT/bust Ryan Sims with the #6 overall pick. Everyone knows Carolina sucks, and that Sims benefited from teammate Julius Peppers drawing triple team coverage. Roy Williams and Dwight Freeney were still around, which isn’t quite as unsettling as DT Eddie Freeman (who?) being selected in the next round, eight picks ahead of RB Clinton Portis.
2001 – Carl knows Dick (Vermeil), Carl likes Dick, Carl signs Dick and essentially hands their draft to the St. Louis Rams.
2000 – With the 21st pick in the first round, the Chiefs select Jackson State wide receiver Sylvester Morris.
And on and on and on…
In summary they can’t draft, surely they’re aware of this trend. So this year off to a lackluster 0-3 start, there was still time to right the ship. Tampa Bay hold out Keenan McCardell would have surely improved a starting trio of Eddie Kennison (catch me, strip me and call me Sally), Johnnie Morton (I ain’t getting my uniform dirty y’all) and Dante Hall (I can’t even find ‘Return’ on my keyboard this year). Instead he goes to San Diego for a 3rd and 5th round pick. Carl Peterson’s not even aware there is a 5th round in the NFL Draft — but the price is evidently too high for a wideout that can catch and run, sometimes simultaneously.
Eric Warfield is tolerable, but Packers’ holdout Mike McKenzie would have looked much better on the other side of the defensive backfield than Dexter McCleon, William Bartee or Julian Battle. Instead the hapless Saints acquire him for a 2nd rounder and a J.T. O’Sullivan.
On the upside, the Chiefs have an inside track on a top 10 draft pick next year with proven studs like USC’s Mike Williams and Michigan’s Braylon Edwards within reach. But those guys will probably command large signing bonuses, another thing Carl doesn’t quite appreciate. Might as well trade down…
Thank God for college hoops. I’ve already logged my sixth game viewed of this short season. Texas and Syracuse are both better than I previously estimated.
Not unlike the Chiefs, Duke too seemed poised for a down year after losing Luol Deng and Chris Duhon to the Bulls and incoming recruit Shaun Livingston to the Clippers. Shaun’s now out 8 weeks with a dislocated kneecap, so he wouldn’t have been available anyway, but man oh man would I have enjoyed one more year of Deng (12 or so more posts on the Desipio Message Board and I understand I’ll be the president of his fan club even!).
Last night the Blue Devils proved that they can overcome 2 first-half Shelden Williams’ fouls, and an 0 for 11 start from three-point range and still emerge with a victory. Shelden, J.J. Redick and Daniel Ewing are all dependable pieces, leaving two returning question marks on any given night. 1) Shavlik Randolph —he’s supposedly healthy now, although it’s looking more and more like his mangina will prevent him from playing with the same intensity (or any) down low as even a Cherokee Parks or Nick Horvath let alone the Christian Laettner/Danny Ferry combo he was touted as; 2) Sean Dockery —it’s easy to forget that he and Illinois’ Dee Brown were neck and neck for state player of the year honors as high school seniors. Whille their first two seasons of collegiate play couldn’t have been more different, Sean may have finally turned a corner. He actually hit a couple of three’s in Monday’s victory over Davidson—-the same Davidson team that embarrassed the Missouri Tigers in their home opener in the $500 Per Paige Sports Arena in Columbia, Missouri, and even got himself to the free throw line a number of times.
They did allow the Wildcats to get within 4 after leading by as much as 22 in the second half, but unlike blowing last year’s 8 point lead againt UConn in the final 3 minutes, Duke actually held on and covered the 12 point spread, and as Brooks and Dunn would say, “Heyyyyy, that’s what it’s all about!” Don’t like the Brooks and Dunn reference, you better broaden your horizons if you’se fixin’ to party in Iowa, boy! I still think they’ll get swept my Wake, but Blue Devil teams that feel slighted or underrated have a history of exceeding expectations — even my own. At least they appear to like each other, which can’t exactly be said of this year’s Carolina squad (can it ever?).
Rick Majerus, a sage basketball mind, thinks Rashard (it’s actually Rashad, Rick) needs to defer to freshman Marvin Williams for this team to excel. Think that’ll happen? Me either and I am going to love every minute of it. I may even wear my newly purchased Santa Clara gear from time to time for added emphasis. Sean May looks like he may have gone an entire summer without a donut, congrats big fella!
Most importantly — I have been doing a little research on the quaint little city of Des Moines , Iowa (May 5-7, 2005), and have the following to report:
? There is a Lumber Yard, where you can get wood without suffering splinters.
? Hairy Mary’s serves $3 pitchers. O.K., so it’s Pabst Blue Ribbon… Details!
? Even B.C. can find Miss-Right-Now at a little slice of heaven called Drink.
Now if only I could find a logical explanation for this mysterious voice I keep hearing, “If you host it, they will come…Oh people will come, Jake. People will most definitely come.”
If I didn’t know better, I’d swear it was Darth Vader. By the way, get on board already Andy!!! To the rest of you already whining about a legitimate roadtrip, if it was easy it would have already been done by now. You need to dig deep, you have to want it. If you can’t dig deep, or you don’t want it, then I’m just not sure you’d be welcome anyway. Now who’s with me???
I’m with you, Dirth!
![]("http://www.etek.chalmers.se/~e5tomase/gonzo.jpg"/)
The Lumber Yard rules!!! Their slogan is "You’ll get wood!". Hands down the best strip club in the state (though Daisy Dooks in the Quad Cities is a close second). I have some connections that could set up some reduced or free admissions.
I’m only 90 minutes from Des Moines. I’m in!!!
As much as Des Moines in December sounds like fun, Desipio’s going to be back at the Cubs’ Convention this January. I would think a Friday or Saturday night excursion planned around that would be easier.
Oh, I could have read the dates May 5-7. That doesn’t sound so bad.
If there’s one word synonymous with the 2005 Desipio Summit, I don’t think it will or should be "easier." I’m thinking words like honor, code, loyalty. I use these words as the backbone of a life spent depending something, you use them as a punchline. Of course debauchery could be pretty appropriate too….
And it’s Des Moines in May, not December.
You can’t handle the truth.
BC–
Did you just call the SCORE?
"Brian from Champaign" described himself as a U of I sophomore, insisting that downstaters were happy that Turner got fired, contrary to the Nerd and Misanthrope’s assumption.
If that was you, you need a new cell phone.
Des Moines in May, Des Moines in December, Des Moines full of strippers…
It’s still Des Moines.
I think the true problem is this proposed outing sounds just so… [searching for right word] gay. Yeah, it sounds gay.
Yeah, "outing" does sound gay…let’s call it a box social.
Poker, golf, strippers, beer, and Baseball. If thats gay you can call me Jeff Garcia
Poker, golf, strippers and beer? Sounds like a Mets fantasy weekend.
All you’ll need is the crack for Doc, Straw and Hernandez.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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