How typical of our “stars” to just not get it at all last night. Taking “the show must go on” literally, Hollywood gathered to kiss each other’s hineys and to crank up the self-important meter to the limit.

There was no red carpet grab ass to show “respect for our troops.” Huh? Do we really think that 250,000 troops half a world away get offended by, “Who are you wearing?”

Actually, the reason they had to cancel the red carpet stuff was because they knew how sick we’d get of vapid movie stars saying stupid things about the war. In that respect, they were right.

Instead we got Joan and Melissa rivers critiquing the dresses Mystery Science Theater 3000 style, in front of a big flat-screen TV. It wasn’t bad. It was actually better than that crap we usually get.

ABC’s coverage did include some brief interviews, although many of the big stars snuck in the back door. But then, Richard Gere’s been doing that for years. (Rimshot please!)

Jim Moret was there, waiting for OJ to kill again so he can get some air time.

Renee Zellwegger has no eyes. Renee apparently had no date. Why didn’t she call?

Chris Connelly, inexplicably still employed by ABC and ESPN was there interviewing Diane Lane. Diane Lane? Did she get nominated for “Hardball”?

Halle Berry…still not black.

Here’s what the major networks decided to air last night:
ABC: “The Oscars”
Fox: one of the “Jurassic Parks”
CBS: NCAA Tournament
NBC: “Billy Madison”

Would it surprise anybody if “The Oscars” finished third in the ratings?

In red carpet birthday salute to Bob Hope who just turned 100, Joel Grey said, “Happy Birthday Bob. We miss you.” He’s not dead. Is he? Why is Joel missing him, did they have some sort of regular poker game?

Salma Hayek looked like she’s wearing her table cloth. If she won, did we get to boo the Mexican national anthem?

Nice of Denzel Washington to shave for the awards.

Could Jan Karl look more like Marg Helgenberger? If Hollywood needs somebody else to play a hooker, they can just call Jan if Marg’s booked.

Nice of Cuba Gooding’s wife to wear her best dress shirt.

The Big Fat Greek Wedding lady needed some more airbrushing.

Jud Heathcoate was on CBS at the same time Mickey Rooney is on ABC. Is there any difference?

I loved Jud in “National Velvet.”

Mike Davis’ Oscar acceptance speech, “This is the most selfish bunch of nominees I’ve ever been around. There are only two guys who could star in other movies. You’d think they’d do what the director tells them.”

75th Academy Awards montage, with great clips from great movies, where was “You know what the most annoying sound in the world is?…”

J. Lo and Ben Affleck came in the back door. Did they think they got invited because of “Pearl Harbor” and “Maid in Manhattan”?

Doesn’t it just piss off real actors when they realize that Ben Affleck and Cuba Gooding have Oscars?

Queen Latifah’s airbags went off.

Harvey Weinstein looks like he ate John Feinstein.

Best line by Steve Martin, “Roman Polanski is here…get him!”

Do we think Nick Nolte will be sending Steve a Christmas card?

If they really wanted to shorten the show, why not just give the Oscars to whatever nominee didn’t show up?

George Lucas can’t even win an Oscar for best special effects anymore. Apparently, plot and dialogue are special effects now, too.

Does anybody want to see an action movie with Aaron Eckart, Hilary Swank, Richard Jenkins and Delroy Lindo? How did this get made? Did this win Operation Greenlight Two?

Jennifer Connelly remembered to bring her boobs this year.

Chris Cooper won the award for Best Supporting Actor for “Adaptation.” I really think he won with leftover votes from his role in “Me, Myself and Irene.”

Good to see Nic Cage packed the extra big teeth this year.

ChiCago’s logo looks like the one the Cubs had in 1990. You’d have thought that John McDonough would have gotten a trademark for that.

Rule of thumb, if nobody has ever heard of you and you win an Oscar—do not give a speech. Just grab the gold statue of Yul Brenner and leave the stage.

Mayor Daley is still pissed that Chicago wasn’t filmed in Chicago.

Catherine Zeta Jones is pregnant and Queen Latifah was still wearing the bigger dress. Nice job of ABC of not showing Catherine below the boobs. But really, it’s not like any of us would have looked farther down than that anyway.

Gee, ABC managed to get Mickey Mouse for the show? Wonder how they managed that. I think I saw him grab Jennifer Garner’s ass, too. You know why Mickey is divorcing Minnie? She’s f@#$ing Goofy.

How ironic is it that the Big, Fat Greek Wedding lady gave the make-up award? Apparently, whoever did her makeup will not be winning this award next year.

Michael Moore won in this category (not making this up) “documentary: non-fiction.” Can you have a fiction documentary? If you can, shouldn’t Christopher Guest have like a dozen Oscars by now?

Nice of Moore to feel the need to tell us what he thinks of the war. That’s great, Mike. Now go away. Nobody cares what you think. If we wanted war analysis we’d be watching CNN, not the Oscars.

How sad is it when Barbra Streisand shows more political good sense than you do?

Steve Martin gets extra credit for his joke immediately following Moore being booed off the stage. “There was just a cute moment backstage,” Martin said. “A group of Teamsters just helped Michael Moore get into the trunk of his limo.”

Sean Connery is cool, but he looked pretty gay in that poofy shirt and weird Scottish tux. The he announces the winner of Best Supporting Actress by simply saying, “Catherine.” It’d have been cool if Catherine Zeta-Jones was the only Catherine nominated. If I was Kathy Bates I’d have gone up, too. Just to be an ass.

Adrien Brody won the best actor award and really, didn’t you all think–until he spoke–that he was Robert Begnini?

Nicole Kidman’s hair was pulled so tight that it make my forehead hurt. She’s like the anti-Renee Zellwegger. Renee smiles and her eyes disappear. Nicole does her hair and can’t blink.

Nicole won the Oscar for “The Hours” a movie I will never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever see. In her speech she said that the reason the Oscars had to go on is because “Art is important.”

Art who? Art Garfunkel? OK, he’s kind of important, I guess. So, sure.

If you ever wondered why people get the creeps over the incredible scumminess of many of our favorite stars, you needed no better reminder than the reaction when Roman Polanski won the award for best director. Here’s a guy who couldn’t be at the Oscars because he’s not allowed in the United States because he made a habit of having sex with a 14 year old girl. Yeah, this is the feel good story of the year.

Getting all of the living winners of acting Oscars up on stage was cool. Tom Hanks managed to show up, even though he wasn’t going to. Yeah, keeping your mouth shut and sitting on a stage for four minutes is pretty tiring, eh Tommy? Once again, Cuba Gooding stands out in a crowd. I can’t remember what movie he won the Oscar for, was it “Snow Dogs?” Oh, he was great in that.

And Chicago won the award for Gayest Film of the Year! And the producer is still babbling his way through his speech.