I was watching the beginning of the Bulls’ game with Cleveland last night (well during commercials in “Lost” and then “The West Wing”) and I kept wondering, “Why are these guys this bad? There’s talent there, right? Have I completely lost my ability to judge talent? Am I in the Mitch Kupchak Era of my own ability to sit on a couch and tell who can play and who can’t?”

Over on ESPN the Fighting Irish were doing what every team’s done in Bloomington since early 2003…they were making themselves at home. But that was hardly shocking. What the Bulls were doing to the Cavs over on channel 640 was entirely shocking. And illegal in most southern states.

When you look at the Bulls you see a lot of parts that just don’t seem to fit together right. It’s like when your parents bought you a new bike for Christmas but didn’t spring for the extra $20 to have some bike shop hippie put the bike back together. So your excitement over your new bike lasted for about nine minutes, or as long as it took your dad to throw out the first “motherf@#$er” of the Christmas season at the instructions sheet that was just Japanese characters, drawings of bike parts and arrows. Then, hours later when he finally got the bike together, and it was nearly safe enough to sit on, much less ride, you realized that you lived in Illinois and you’d be able to ride the bike without putting snow chains on it in about three months.

That’s what the Bulls are. They’re useful parts with no instructions, but…with the fear that a key piece, like maybe the breaks, is missing.

So, let’s look at the parts.

Kirk Hinrich: The haircut is a big improvement, and hopefully it didn’t come from any of the ambiguously gay barbers in those wretched “Through Thick and Thin” commercials. Hinrich’s the perfect third guard that any NBA team would love to have. He can play either guard spot and he can play the point, but he can’t guard good point guards. Thankfully there aren’t very many left. His idea of defense is to make weird lunges at the ball while the guy he’s guarding is dribbling and trying to set up the offense. It can be startlingly effective. But mostly it ends up with him out of position, the guy he’s guarding smiling and yelling, “You reach…I teach” and then driving to the basket for a layup or passing off for a dunk. Offensively he’s solid, but not a great shooter. The best thing about him is that he’s tough as nails. He’s played much of the early season with a bruised thigh, and for a guy without elite quickness in the first place, that’s not a fun injury to have while you’re chasing Tony Parker and his phony French accent around for 48 minutes.

Ben Gordon: Athletically, he’s a freak. And if you didn’t know it already, you saw it last night on that alley-oop he got from Frank Williams (yeah, Frank Williams) in the final minutes of the romp over Cleveland. Ben’s listed at 6’3 which is NBA for 6’1, and he’s a natural shooting guard, so that’s rough. But it’s been done. He was a great shooter in college and more and more now you’re seeing it in his pro game. He loves to drive to the basket and he’s developed a strange way of holding the ball out and to the side on layups in traffic to keep it from being blocked. It’s awkward, but it’s cool, and he makes them, so keep doing it. When he and Hinrich are in as the backcourt, the Bulls offense just works better…however, on defense they’re a turnstile.

Chris Duhon: He doesn’t turn the ball over and he plays good defense, which is why Scott Skiles has him starting. But Chris cannot shoot a lick. He’s at 29 percent for the season and watch the way other teams play off of him when he’s at the top of the key. It’s a long distance call from him to the guy who’s guarding him. Duhon’s biggest strength on offense is that because his defenders play of him so much, even when he has the ball, that he has the luxury of being able to play taller than he is. You can stand straight up when nobody’s around you. The weakness is that the Bulls are playing four on five and they’re not good enough to do that.

Jannero Pargo: He got some run at the end of last season and had a couple of big scoring nights. He’s currently on the injured list and you didn’t notice. So what’s that say about him?

Frank Williams: I don’t get it and I guess I never will. He’s got all the skills a point guard could need in the NBA. He’s got a great handle, he’s got deceptive speed, good size and is a great passer. But he just doesn’t get it done, and even back at Illinois and at Peoria Manual before that, Frank never looks like he cares. He cares, though. Right? If Frank could play to his ability, he’d be the starting point guard on this team and the Bulls would be better off for it. But he seems intent to be the author of the bestseller “How to piss away your NBA career by not even trying.” Though, it’s possible that Pearl Washington already wrote that. But Pearl’s too lazy to sue.

Tyson Chandler: The hardest thing about trying to figure out how good Tyson and Eddy are is that we’ve been expecting them to be superstars for four years. Tyson’s become what he most likely was destined to become. He’s a 7’1 power forward who can rebound, block shots and dunk. There are times when he shows you an actual offensive move, but those are rare. But Scott Skiles seems to be getting the best out of Tyson. He’s averaging nine boards a game in only 27 minutes and shooting almost 54 percent from the field. He’s a factor on defense…except (you knew there’d be something)…he can’t guard anybody with a post game. If you face up, Tyson’s all over you. If you back him down, he ends up being helped out of the first row by the Luvabulls. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. Tyson’s effort is there. In fact, if he hadn’t been a top three pick, the fans would love him. Instead, they just sit and wait for something that’s not likely to ever come.

Luol Deng: I do nothing to hide my manly love for Luol. What is not to love about this guy? He’s the smartest player on the team. If you’re open and Luol has the ball he’ll find a way to get it to you. He’s long, he’s deceptively quick and he can shoot it. Honestly, there were draft experts who said that Andre Iguodala was better than Luol? Were they high? Andre’s an athlete trying to play basketball. Luol is a basketball player. The Bulls are just better when he’s on the floor. He’s a rookie, so he doesn’t get any calls on defense, but he’s not getting abused like everybody thought he would. Luol’s going to be very good for a very long time. Did I mention he was born in 1985? I’m going to go throw up now.

Adrian Griffin: He looks just like Lester Freamon on The Wire. He might play like him, too.

Othella Harrington: I think I came to terms with how I feel about Othella when I turned the game on and he was in it in the second half and I asked, “Why the hell is Othella in the game?” He’s a valuable guy if you ever need a 6’9 dude to go in and foul the other team’s center…repeatedly.

Andres Nocioni: He’s like Toni Kukoc with a cooler accent! Oh, and he can’t really shoot. But Andres is a player. He’s just like the guy at the Y who everybody hates to play against because he’s just too aggressive. He mauls you so much you get tired of calling it and he dives for every ball. Andres gets shoved by a fed up opponent at least twice a night. That’s something. He’s a sixth or seventh man on a good team. Send him in, he gives you a lift and the opponent spends the next twenty minutes trying to figure out how to sneak a shank out onto the court with them.

Eric Piatkowski: Tom Dore calls him “Pike.” By the way, is there a bigger fanboy going than Tom Dore? Can we get him some pom poms to wave while he’s announcing? The Bulls can never do any wrong with Tommy behind the mike. The 3-13 Bulls, mind you. Anyway, apparently Piatkowski can still shoot.

Eddy Curry: What is there to say about him that hasn’t already been said? The talent is obviously there. He’s seven feet tall. He’s quick. He’s in shape. He can shoot well from inside of 15 feet. But he can’t, or won’t, rebound. He can’t, or won’t, play defense. If there was a way to play basketball without rebounds or defense, Eddy would be Shaq. There apparently isn’t such a way. The Bulls would like to trade Eddy for a go-to scorer and play Tyson and Antonio Davis at center. In today’s NBA you can get by with that at center. But wouldn’t it just be better if Eddy would stick his nose in there and play to his size? He doesn’t have to actually become Shaq. But how can he not average 17 and 10? Even by accident? Guh.

Antonio Davis: Even when he was good, he was never really “that” good. Right now he’s Charles Oakley without the occasional punch-out-a-guy-in-the-other-team’s-layup-line episodes. He’s been around forever so he gets to play defense by shoving guys from behind. He’s certainly useful, though not at his current salary, but the best thing he did was get Jalen Rose off the Bulls’ hands…and payroll. So it all worked out.

Scott Skiles: John Paxson trusts him completely and in fact, Paxson has publicly stated he hopes Skiles doesn’t get tired of coaching the Bulls before they have a chance to get it turned around. What does that say, exactly? Skiles has the Bulls at least trying to play defense, though offensively, I still haven’t a clue what they’re trying to accomplish. I’m sure it involves throwing a orange spheroid at the cylinder hanging off the plexiglass, but I’m not sold on that. His postgame press conferences are entertaining, since he’s normally trying to hide his overflowing rage, and there’s always the chance that he’ll bust out into “Sussudio” at any time.

John Paxson: His drafts have produced solid players from winning college programs. In fact, the best three players on the team are Paxson draft picks. If Tyson’s recent inspired play isn’t a mirage, and if Paxson can get decent value in the inevitable Curry trade, the Bulls could still make a run at the playoffs this year. But those are big ifs. So we wait. And we try and remind ourselves that we didn’t dream the six titles. They actually happened.

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The White Sox signed Dustin Hermanson yesterday. There’s just no reason for this. Remember when Rocky Biddle saved a mess of games for the 2003 Expos even though everybody knew he sucked? That was Hermanson last year for the Giants. Now, we find out that Kenny Williams signed Hermanson with the idea that he might start him. Why, that’s even a worse idea. Let’s sign a flyball pitcher to play in the liveliest park in the American League. So basically, Kenny signed Hermanson in an effort to expedite the team’s move from maid of honor in the AL Central to fat bridesmaid.

The Sox have also signed Jermaine Dye to a two-year, 10 million dollar deal, because they apparently didn’t have enough righthanded hitting, mediocre outfielders. Does this mean that Carlos Lee is going to be traded, or will they finally trade the glacier that is Paul Konerko and move C. Lee to first? Does anybody really care?

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Matt Morris re-signed with the Cardinals yesterday. He apparently needs shoulder surgery and will be out until early May, so he signed a one year $2.5 million deal with incentives and he, like Nomar, will try his hand at free agency again in 2006. One of the incentives is believed to involve him leading the National League in homers, which will be tough to do with him giving Greg Maddux a full month’s head start. But Matt can do it.

Mike Downey has no point…again.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to say that LeBron is the face of today’s NBA. Does he want to be the face of this mess right now?

Mike Kiley has Sammy’s cell phone number, but he couldn’t get Sammy to say anything. Glad he decided to write a whole article about it.

Bruce Miles thinks there’s still a market for Sammy. I think he’s right.

Troy Glaus is ready to cozy up to last place and a big pile of cash in Phoenix.

Omar Minaya says he want the Mets to “get younger.” Hey, Sammy’s younger than Piazza, right?

The NY Post says Nomar begged the Yankees to let him play second base. Fiction is fun, ain’t it boys?

Jim Hendry’s going after Danny Kolb again, and he’s hoping to give the Brewers Captian Tightpants. But The Farns and Kolb make the same amount of money. Just why would the Brewers want Farns?

The National Enquirer says that Michael Jackson and his accuser both left fingerprints on “Barely Legal” magazine. Who knew MJ read Barely Legal? I’d have taken him for an avid Boy’s Life guy.

America’s finest news source says Wal Mart is undertaking a massive rollback on employee wages.

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