Jeff Pornstache to the Dodgers. Steve Finley to Anaheim. George Ofman to the Denny’s on Castro for a cherry filled pancake. There’s been a lot of activity already and the winter meetings don’t even officially start until later on today.

So what do Cubs’ fans have to look forward to, other than the raping and pillaging of the farm system by other teams in Monday’s Rule 5 draft?

Will the Cubs trade Sammy Sosa? Will they trade for Sterling’s pride and joy, Dan Kolb? Will Jim Hendry ever get a haircut that costs more than $7?

Will Scott Boras tell every general manager that six other teams have already made a bid on whatever player he’s discussing? Will Arn Tellem offer to pee in a cup to prove that he, unlike the Flying Giambi Brothers who he represents, is clean? Will the lame jokes ever end?

No.

Among the highlights of the weekend include a Dusty Baker “media availability.” Thankfully, we’ve got a preview of what Dusty’s going to say.

“Look, man, I got no problem with Sammy. He’s a righteous dude. He made a mistake, dude. Just like I make mistakes and you make mistakes. I mean look at your shirt, dude. You’ve got most of breakfast on it, dude. That’s a mistake, right?”

“I didn’t know that half my team in San Francisco was on drugs, dude. I just thought that it was my mystical powers that made old players play better for me than anybody else, dude. Besides, just because Bobby Estallela and Barry Bonds doubled in size, I thought it was just all that good seafood they were getting down at Fisherman’s Wharf, dude. Seal meat builds muscle, dude.”

“Look man, I never had a problem with Steve and the other guy, dude. I had to sit there after every Fox Sports Net game and pretend like the other dude’s questions weren’t always pointless, dude. If I heard one more time how great Albert Pujols was, I was going to rip the eyebrow off the other dude. Steve and I had no problems. Even when he pulled his punk ass moves at the end of the season.”

Will Sammy be traded? — Not this weekend, but if there’s any hope of still being able to trade him, we’ll know by Sunday. You know there’s still a market, and you know that Phil Rogers is still trying to convince the Royals to make the deal. Actually, since the Royals have told admitted roid abuser Benny Santiago (and really, who didn’t know that was true after his “resurgence” in San Francisco) he’s welcome back, so would they really have a problem with a guy who’s never officially been accused of using them, like Sammy?

Will Carlos Beltran sign with anybody — No way. Carlos is going to be drinking green beer on St. Patty’s Day without a contract, much less sign one today. This weekend is all about building his market for him and his agent, Scott Boras. With the Angels signing the 74 year old Steve Finley, that’s one less place for Beltran to go. You’ll hear rumors (likely generated by Boras himself, through our pal Barry Rozner among others) about other teams, but it’s down to three now. The Yankees, the Astros and the Cubs. And, no matter how many times you hear it, the Cubs do not have to trade Sammy to sign Carlos. And it’s not just because the Tribune is a multi-billion corporation. They found money in the couch cushions last year to get Maddux, they’ll find it for Beltran, especially since they know that no matter what, Sammy’s money goes away after this year. But now that it’s down to three serious teams, Boras will drag this out as long as he can, hoping that one of the teams, panics (Big Stein, anyone?) and overspends by a ludicrous amount.

Beltran was said to be very excited about two teams, the Angels and Cubs, and has to be disappointed that the Halos decided to throw their money down a very old rathole. We’ve said all along that the Cubs are the perfect happy medium between Houston (who Carlos likes because he was comfortable there) and the Yankees (who print their own money). This should happen.

Would Jim Hendry sign Magglio Ordonez to a Nomar-like one-year deal? — If Boras wasn’t Maggs’ agent, you’d think this would be perfect. Ordonez said today that he wants to play for the Cubs, and he said he’s willing to take a one year “prove-I’m-healthy” deal. But Boras won’t let him do that. Some team is going to have to sign Maggs for at least four years. It’s a risk, given that he had some exotic, not approved in the US, knee surgery.

Why isn’t that a bigger deal? His surgery isn’t legal in the US? It’s not legal in a country where you can have your stomach tied off with a rubber band to make it the size of Gary Coleman’s fist? It’s not legal in a country where you can have skin from your chest pulled up over your head to make your face tighter? It’s not legal in a country where they can take a tendon from your wrist and give you a new elbow? Unless this surgery involved embryonic stem cells, I’d have to think Maggs is a hellacious health risk, just on the fact that whatever they did to him causes the AMA to pass out just thinking about it.

But if he is healthy, how great would it be to eventually replace Sosa in right with Maggs? That wouldn’t just kill all 42 remaining Sox fans, would it? Muahahahahahahaha!

Where’s Pornstache going to play?The Dodgers signed him for two years and aren’t sure if he’ll play second base (where Alex Cora can field everything and hit nothing–except for Matt Clement’s 19th pitch of an at bat), or first base (where Hee Seop Choi isn’t exactly reminding Dodger fans of Steve Garvey–unless Hee’s reproducing at an unheard of rate), or third base (if Adrian Beltre grabs Dave Dombrowski’s huge bag of cash in Detroit.) What we, as thoughtful baseball fans know is that Kent can still hit, but he can’t move more than half a step to either side. Watching him try and play second base last year was hilarious. He can’t even fall down fast enough to stop grounders from getting through.

Why would the Angels give Steve Finley $10 million a year when Beltran might go for $15? — Everybody in baseball figures that Beltran’s going to be a Yankee and that Boras is just using the other teams to drive the price up. The Angels figured, screw it, why wait around while some other team signs Finley and then lose Beltran anyway? But Finley is 40 years old. Forty! There’s no way he’s going to be worth $10 million a year in 2005 and 2006. But who cares, it’s one less team for the Cubs to worry about.

Why do the A’s want to trade Tim Hudson? — Cubs fans should be more worried about the Cardinals swooping down and trading for Hudson than Randy Johnson. Randy’s on the wrong side of 40 and one of these days that arm will fall off. But Hudson is still young, and has a ludicrously good record and career 3.30 ERA. If the Cardinals get him, he’ll haunt the Cubs for a decade. Not a good thing. Why do the A’s want to trade him? Because he’s closing in on free agency and at $6.7 million a year he’s much, much, more attractive to teams than paying $7 or $8 million or more for guys like Russ Ortiz or Matt Clement. Will the Unit even get traded? Probably. Probably to the Yankees. And probably in a deal that leaves the White Sox with Javier Vazquez…another flyball pitcher to pitch in the easiest park to homer in, in the entire American League. Genius, Kenny! Genius!

Will the Brewers trade Dan Kolb? — Only in a package that gives them some offense. Doug Melvin actually has money to spend, and none of the good free agent hitters have any interest in signing in Milwaukee. You know why? Because they’ve all been to Milwaukee before. They can barely stomach a visit to the place, much less sign on to live on a diet of Kielbasa and Nachtwurst for four years. So the Cubs can tempt them with a package of The Farns, Sergio Meat Tray and Andy Sisco, but would the Brewers do that and pay The Farns more in 2005 than they owe Kolb? They need a Major League ready hitter, and the Cubs don’t have one to spare, unless you can convince Melvin that he can’t live without Jason Dubois. Yeah, I don’t think you can do that.

Where’s Edgar Renteria going? — The first thing I thought of when the Angels signed Finley is that they decided to pocket the extra money it’d take above and beyond what they would need to upgrade from Finley to Beltran and add it on to an offer for Edgar. David Eckstein’s a cute little guy but his arm is hilariously inept for shortstop, and with Adam Kennedy out until midseason with his knee injury, the Halos can’t feel really comfortable with having to play Chone Figgins at second full time. There are two reasons for that. He couldn’t field a grounder at second in the playoffs (in about nine tries) and if he’s at second full time, it forces the Angels to play Dallas McPherson at third every day with nobody to spell him if he struggles early on. Sign Edgar, move the little Eckstein Muppet to second and voila! That would leave Orlando Cabrera for the Cardinals. Unless The Genius thinks he can get by with Hector Luna. That would, of course, make him a Luna-tic.

Oh, I’ve got a million of them.

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Deron Williams isn’t playing well, but the Illini are still cruising? I’d say that’s a good sign. The Illini went from eight down to seven up in four minutes last night. It was fun to see. The eventually ended their run by outscoring Georgetown 23-3. Is that good?

What has gotten into Jack Ingram? And John Thompson III just figured out how long college games are.

Phil Rogers on Beltran, and to show you how clued in he is at the winter meetings, he wrote this, about how the Angels are the big players for Beltran the Cubs should worry about, while the Angels were signing Finley.

New Cubs’ beat writer Bob Foltman (oh, how we’ll miss the Jockey–enjoy him for two years on the South Side…again), says it won’t be easy to trade Sammy. Gee, ya think?

Charlie Weis or Tom Clements? It’s the choice between 6-5 and 6-5. Wow.

Have we never seen a rookie before? I think we have. Ben Gordon’s going to be fine. Wow. That sounded a little too “Wanny” didn’t it? Let’s try it again, Ben Gordon’s going to be all right. That’s better.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to write about the Irish coaching search. I’m not even reading this.

Jim Hendry still loves Sosa. He just wants to help him move.

Jayson Stark says Sammy’s still in play.

How about we keep Tim Hudson in the American League? Is that so much to ask?

The Astros might bring Moises Alou back. Imagine if they don’t re-sign Beltran. They could have an opening day outfield of The Beege, Jason Lane and Moises. Those three might never catch a flyball.

The Angels have a lot of faith in a 40 year old centerfielder.

I just can’t get excited about Charlie Weis. But he’s probably the best option right now.

Peter Gammons on the winter meetings.

America’s finest news source says that America’s scientists have admitted they just don’t like mice.

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