Is it just my imagination or did the Bears actually get worse as the season went along? You get a new coach and a few new players and you expect that it’ll take a while to come together. But just the opposite happened. It took a while for the wheels to fall off.

Maybe things were never good. Maybe the early win over Green Bay was just because, despite the protestations of the Fox lead announcing group, the Packers are bad. They have no defense. Brett Favre looks like he’s trying to win games for both teams at the same time and Mike Sherman looks like a guy filming a hemorrhoid commercial.

So maybe the whole season was a flop, and the fact that we had Jonathan Quinn and Craig Krenzel to blame for a few weeks just made us think that all that was holding back the Bears was the quarterback.

It could well have been that what was holding the Bears back was a complete lack of talent.

By getting jobbed by the officials in week 16 against Detroit and then not showing up yesterday the Bears have the fourth pick in the draft. This would be good if the Bears had shown the ability to make a first round selection. Unless somebody digs up Jim Finks before draft day, all the Bears are doing is picking the next big bust.

The offensive line is horrendous. It could well be the worst ever assembled in Chicago and so you’d immediately assume that drafting one of those big boys would be the smart thing to do. But the question is, are first round tackles any different than ones you can draft in rounds three through five? Sure they are, they cost a lot more.

What the Bears need is a playmaker on offense. And they need to get some offensive linemen. But the fourth pick ought to be used on somebody who can actually score a touchdown. Exiled wide receiver Mike Williams from USC would be a good pick, if Reggie Bush decides to bolt USC early, he’d be a fine choice (he’ll be a wideout in the NFL not a running back–hell, he’s more of a wideout than a running back now, anyway).

But you know what the Bears are going to do? They’re going to draft a linebacker. Because, they’re the Bears. And that’s the only thing they’ve gotten right in the last 15 years.

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Everywhere I went the past couple of weeks people asked me, “Sir, where are your pants?”, and “Hey, is Jim Hendry going to do anything? I confidently answered, “In the car,” and, “Of course he is.”

But I’m not so sure about either answer anymore.

The optimist says that the Cubs are dealing with Scott Boras directly and that they have a plan of attack on Carlos Beltran.

But the pessimist says that the length and amount of Beltran’s contract demands scared them off, and they have no plans to get involved at all. Scott Boras has been the only one talking publicly about the Cubs’ interest in Beltran, and as we all know, Boras makes stuff up to drive up his clients’ prices.

Boras’ biggest fear is that the Yankees and Cubs have both decided to pass on Carlos. Without them, it’s up to the Mets and Astros to drive the price up. The Astros claim they can’t, and Beltran really doesn’t want to play for the Mets.

So what are the Cubs doing?

Nobody has a friggin’ clue.

Today, the rumor is that they’re after Jeromy Burnitz. Ooh, that just sent a tingle through you, didn’t it? The idea would be to platoon the lefty swinging (and missing) outfielder with Jason Dubois. Though Dusty’s idea of that platoon would mean 160 starts for Jeromy and two for Jason.

Meanwhile, the Braves are talking to the Reds about Austin Kearns. Now, this would be a good idea for the Cubs. Kearns can actually play. He’s 24, he’s coming off an injury plagued season, but he’s shown in the minors and in his first year and a half in Cincinnati that he’s got power, he gets on base, he’s an excellent defensive outfielder and though his buddy Adam Dunn hits lots of homer and strikes out 195 times, Austin’s a better player. This is a very Braves-like move. They’ll get him for some prospects, the prospects will turn out to be crap and Kearns will be an All-Star.

The Cubs-like move is to sign Burnitz and watch him hit .244 with 24 homers and 38 RBI and strike out enough to make Sammy feel better.

Of course, in the Beltran sweepstakes, January 8 is the big day. If the Astros don’t sign him before that, they lose his rights and he’s off to play for somebody else. So you’d expect that Boras will get him signed before that, if only to maintain the leverage that he might stay in Houston when he deals with the Mets and Cubs and Yankees and whoever. So we’ll know this week.

What appears likely is that the Cubs will end up with Magglio Ordonez. He’s looking for the kind of contract the Cubs love to give. A one-year deal with incentives, to prove he’s healthy. If healthy, he’d be a steal. If not, it’s little risk to the Cubs.

But it’s these kinds of moves over the years that have added up to 97 years and counting of lousy Cubs baseball.

Carlos Beltran will sign with the Cubs if they’ll pay him enough. It’s a fact.

Maybe the Cubs intend on going the extra mile, but aren’t going to tip their hand publicly. Or maybe they’re going to leave his price low enough for the Astros to keep him so he can hit 10 homers in nine games at Wrigley next year?

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Am I the only one who laughed constantly during the tsunami coverage last week? Hey, I’m not heartless enough to laugh at thousands of people being killed by an enormous wave. But you have to admit that every time CNN ran a graphic to show that they were reporting from Phuket, Thailand…it was funny.

Phuket? Is that anywhere near Scruyu, Thailand?

I kept waiting for Anderson Cooper to slip up and pronounce it phonetically instead of Foo-kay. I thought for sure Miles O’Brien would Phuk up and say Phuk-et, but he never did.

But, I’ll tell you what. I’m planning my next vaction for Phuket. Well, once they truck in a new beach and get rid of the dysentery and cholera and stuff.

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So I wasn’t seeing things? The Illini were literally playing in a high school gym in their Vegas tournament? Where are they going to spend next New Year’s? Playing at Atlantic City Middle School?

It doesn’t matter where they play, and apparently they can even wear the white jerseys (which are much better looking than the pumpkin orange ones they trot out on a nearly nightly basis) and win. So that’s nice.

Big Ten play starts this week, and it’d be naive to think that Illinois could make it through conference play undefeated. Surely, they’ll get a lovely Carver Hawkeye Screwjob, or fall in East Lansing or Madison or a combination of those. But you have to like the postseason chances of this team, which just happens to be the best passing college basketball team I’ve ever seen. So they’ve got that going for them…which is nice.

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Not to get all Larry King on you, but I saw The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou and Meet the Fockers last week and liked them both. I was surprised, because I was ready to despise the Fockers, but found it pretty funny. Oh, it’s stupid, but funny. Dustin Hoffman’s especially funny in it.

As for Life Aquatic, it’s not as funny as Wes Anderson’s previous effort The Royal Tenenbaums, but it is funny. Bill Murray is great as Steve Zissou, sort of a poor-man’s Jacques Cousteau, and Willen Dafoe is hilarious as Klaus, one of the members of Team Zissou. I’ve always liked the absurd comedy in Anderson’s movies (which include the inferior Bottle Rocket and the very funny Rushmore) and Life Aquatic is full of that kind of humor.

As for the Fockers, well, it’s pretty much two hours of jokes about the name Focker and sex. Enough of the jokes are funny enough that the movie’s not as horrid as I feared it would be. The biggest disappointment is that Gaylord Focker’s fiance (played by Teri Polo) is just not attractive in the movie.

She certainly can be pretty…

…she just chose not to be in the movie. Seems like a great career move. Maybe she thinks it’ll get her an Oscar like it did Charlize Theron?

I still haven’t seen The Aviator, which we were going to go see, only to find out that because it’s nine hours long that there was no late show. I’d heard great things about it, but this morning Mike North said he liked it, so now I’m sure it must suck.

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The Bears were unwatchable yesterday, so I unwatched.

Desmond Clark thinks he’s a great player. He’s just never…you know…played like it.

The Bears have the fourth pick. They’re hoping to pick Brent Fullwood or Tony Mandarich or Robbie Bosco with it.

I like Kirk Hinrich, but I’m convinced the Bulls will be really good when they trade him for a real point guard.

The Mets really want Carlos Beltran. I’m sure he’ll just love playing in lovely Flushing.

Groucho on Larry Brown to Denver? Carmello would love that.

It just figures that at one point (as recently as last week, Jay Mariotti had a radio show, a spot on a TV show and a newspaper column, and the only one of the three that he was actually good at, he isn’t doing anymore.) Nice. Mariotti puts down the doughnut to rip on the Bears.

By the way, nice of Dan McNeil to trot out the same tired old “let’s rip a former employee and the station on the air” act, again. That never gets old.

Mike Kiley needs a beating.

Ooooh, Burnitz!

Shawn Green and eight million dollars for Dioner Navarro? Couldn’t the Cubs or Sox have offered Jaime Navarro?

Does anybody see a point to this column? Even for Phil Rogers it’s ludicrous.

Peter King’s Monday Morning Quarterback.

Stewy’s trying for a job at ChicagoSports.com! OK, not really. His is as bad as theirs is, though.

John Kerry says he didn’t lose the election, he just didn’t win it. What a jackass.

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