Why do we even bother? We should know better. They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. So here we are again, it’s another Cubs’ offseason and all winter long we’ve waited to hear what their big offer for the top free agent in the game is going to be.
The Cubs have a gaping hole that Carlos Beltran can fill. They have a pile of cash so high that if you climb to the top of it the only things you can see are the Great Wall of China and Star Jones, and so what do they offer Carlos?
What’s the big move they make to show the premiere free agent that they want him, that they need him, that they can’t wait to hug and squeeze him?
They offer him fewer years and less money than any of the other teams who are after him, and they don’t even offer to throw in a gift basket from Nuts On Clark.
On the suddenly revived “The West Wing” Josh Lyman managed to talk Victor Sifuentes’ ghost into running for president with a nine-point plan. I bring this up, not only because the show is watchable again, but because sources close to the Cubs managed to show me the similar nine-point plan that the Cubs have for getting Beltran to sign.
1. Offer him two fewer years and $45 million less than the Mets and point out that the bigger the money the bigger the troubles. Show him the pamphlets that the Illinois Lottery gives Big Game winners about all of the people who won $100 million or more and ended up homeless, penniless and rooting for the White Sox.
2. Offer him six parking vouchers for the lot behind the McDonald’s that charges $35 for “EZ IN, EZ OUT” parking, which means, of course, “First one in, last one out.”
3. Offer him one of those cute little hats that Yosh Kawano wears.
4. Tell him if he signs, he gets a tongue kiss from Sharon Panozzo. If he doesn’t sign he gets TWO tongue kisses from Sharon.
5. Offer him his own, exclusive pine tar rag, and that nobody else on the team will be allowed to use it.
6. Free mole waxing for a month at the Tirra Salon and Spa over on West Erie.
7. Give him a picture of Darren Baker. Nobody can say no to that cute little bastard.
8. Tell him if he signs with us, we won’t go public with the bed wetting stuff we found about.
9. Offer Boras 92 percent of the deal and Beltran eight. You know Boras will con the stupid f@#$er into signing it.
I guess the real question is that if the rumors regarding the length and amount of the Cubs offer to Beltran, why did they even bother? Why pretend to be interested if you aren’t willing to pay the price it’s going to take to get it done?
But this is where we’re the ones to blame. Why did we even think they’d be aggressive about this anyway?
It is true that the Cubs don’t operate the way they used to. They have a payroll that will be over $100 million, and they are willing and able to fleece teams in trades because they’ll eat a year or two of an overpriced contract to get a player they think they need.
But they don’t show that burning desire to go for it and win. They still operate the Cubs like there’s a budget, when you know and I know that there isn’t really a budget.
Tribune Corportation is a multi-billion dollar operation. Whether the Cubs payroll is $100 million or $150 million is just a speck on the bottom line.
For some reason they’ll pay Dave Kaplan good money to spend two hours fellating college basketball coaches that he thinks are his friends. They’ll remodel Tom Skilling’s weather-lab six times a year, and ignore the investment advice his brother keeps faxing the Tribune Tower from his cell. But they won’t pay a guy who can actually play baseball?
I’m not sold that Carlos Beltran is worth what the Mets are offering him. But he’s certainly a very good player, and showed in the playoffs that at times he’s a great player. What I do know is that the Tribune has the money and that Carlos would give the Cubs some things they sorely need. He can get on base, he can steal bases and he’s a switch hitter in what’s still a righthanded dominated order. Pairing him and Corey Patterson in the outfield would mean you could just play with two outfielders and then sign a guy to play right behind second base and help Nomar and Walker with all the grounders they’ll not be able to flag down.
Could it still turn out alright if the Cubs let Carlos go and sign Magglio Ordonez? Of course it could. If Magglio’s knee really is healthy, he’s a much better outfielder than Moises Alou. But there is no question mark after Carlos Beltran. There’s just no reason to not do it. And yet, unless there’s something we don’t know (and granted, you could fill the LA Colisieum full of stuff I don’t know), the Cubs just don’t really want to do it.
If they don’t care, why do we care?
Ahh, see there’s the old insanity thing. They don’t do anything differently, and we expect a different result.
Oh well, at least when you’re insane, things are never boring.
———-
I was going to do a whole thing about the NFL Playoffs, but instead, I’ll leave you with what I think is the most interesting and telling statistic of the playoffs is. If you hate Green Bay like I do, you’ll be heartened that this information proves they have no chance at getting to the Super Bowl.
The Packers were 10-6 last year, right, and won the NFC North. Their record against winning teams was 0-2. Huh? 0-2? They only played two games all year against teams with a record of 9-7 or better? So they went 8-6 against the losers and 0-2 against teams with actual ability?
So what was the combined score of the two games against the “good” teams (Philly and Indianapolis, if you’re wondering)? Packers 48, Good Teams NINETY-TWO!
92-48? Yeah, sure. Better clear a spot for that trophy. Whatever.
————
Last night’s Illinois-Ohio State game was another good example of what makes the Illini so darned good. Ohio State played about as well as they can and lost by 19. But it wasn’t just that. Illinois wears you out. It’s not just the pace they play at, it’s the intensity with which they defend you. Every pass, every shot, even every cut is contested. When they’re on offense they are always moving. You can’t get enough rest. It’s impossible. With about 12 minutes to go, Ohio State was done. It didn’t matter what the score was. Had they been up by 15 they’d have still lost.
You can’t say that Bruce Weber is a better coach than Bill Self, because you don’t know that. But you can say that the style Weber has the Illini playing is the perfect system for his talent. That’s not to say that Self wouldn’t have them playing a similar style (but he wouldn’t), or that his high-low offense wouldn’t be as effective (it might have been–his Illini led the Big Ten in scoring all three years after all), but it doesn’t matter. What they have works. And it’s a lot of fun to watch.
Iowa managed to lose at home, despite a couple of late calls against Michigan which of the Carver Hawkeye Screwjob variety. Including, but not limited to, the official under Iowa’s basket counting, “One..two…five!” on a late Michigan possession. Thankfully, Iowa’s prematurely balding spastic Greg Brunner took a couple of hellaciously bad shots and let Michigan get out with a win.
Indiana went to Northwestern and got pounded so hard that somebody in the Hoosiers’ athletic department is working on the seventh draft of Davis’ “resignation” letter. The Hoosiers are young, we know that, but they’re also poorly coached and a little deficient in the shooting ability area. And defensively? They let Duke transfer Michael Thompson light them up. I’m not saying that Michael Thompson is a little stiff, but he’s no Nick Smith.
——–
If you think I typed all of that just so I could call Greg Brunner a “prematurely balding spastic” well, you’d be right.
——–
The Bears did something I never thought they’d do yesterday. They brought Ron Turner in for ten hours of meetings and interviews about becoming the Bears’ offensive coordinator. All I remember about Turner’s previous stint as the OC was that the Bears’ offense actually worked with studs like Jeff Graham (40 yard time — 6.78 seconds), Curtis Conway (could not play when the temp fell below 67 degrees), Lewis Tillman (oh, God no) and Steve Walsh (seriously…and it was even better when Eric Kramer finally healed up). That was the best offense the Bears have had since the old Payton right, Payton left, pass to Payton offenses. It worked. It scored points. It even allowed the Bears to win a playoff game under Dave Wannstedt (unbelievable, but it happened). What I don’t get is why they let Turner leave without signing a contract?
You will shudder when you see who else they’re considering.
Marty Morhningweg — Shoot me dead. Just put a bullet in me. Take the wind, Marty! Take the wind!
Jim Colletto — This is a true story. He got canned at Purdue the same year that Lou Holtz “retired” at Notre Dame. Bob Davie hired Jim to run his offense at Notre Dame the next year. Before the Purdue game, Colletto did an interview and said, “See, I’m a pretty good coach when I have good players.” That comment motivated one of his former Purdue players to say after the Boilermakers’ upset win, “I knew we were going to win. Coach Colletto was finally on the right side.” Ouch. Just say no.
Man, it’s Ron Turner or bust. What does that tell you?
———–
The Cubs are…they’re…well, they’re pissing me off.
Ron Turner, part deux? He’s just like Norv, except without the bad name and the Mark McGwire-esque acne scars.
James Augustine had a bad foot? It should always be that bad.
Wow, this is a good sign. Ron Zook’s assistants are already quitting.
The Bulls played poorly and won. See, this is progress. Seriously.
Ryne Sandberg says that Andre Dawson was, “the best player I ever saw.” Well, that’s because Ryne apparently didn’t pay attention to Kevin Roberson’s at bats.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to talk about all the times he and Ryne would go drink and talk baseball. Ryne went once and his goal was to drink until Mariotti made sense. Then he realized there’s not enough booze in the world.
I still hate Jim Frey. He was a complete douche. He’s the guy who didn’t let Sutcliffe start game four. He’s the guy who walked Tony Gwynn to get to Steve F@#$ing Garvey. And he’s the guy who traded for Calvin Schiraldi and Mitch Webster.
Billy Williams also thinks Dawson should be in the hall. Billy also thinks that lounge suits are in style. But we won’t hold that against him.
Longtime friend of Desipio Drew Lawrence with this on Carmelo Anthony’s pending nuptials. Wait a minute, does everybody write for spanish-yes.com but me? I’m starting to take this personally.
Fellow longtime friend of Desipio Kelly Dwyer (also writing for spanish-yes.com) on Shaq.
The Big Eunuch has signed for two more glorious years. Whoop-de-damned-do. I hope his back falls off.
America’s finest news source says that most of us feel safer with Martha behind bars.
If Sullivan’s column is accurate, the MO at 1060 W. Addison is completely insane. Not that I blame Hendry as his wallet is controlled by the suits in Trib Tower, but this type of token offer is what we saw during Hime’s regime. What a dissapointment. Wood, Z, Prior, etc. are in their prime, but once again we choose plan B for the outfield, with no plan whatsoever for a closer. Let’s be satisfied with mediocrity once again. Even when they can afford to pay, they choose not to. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the corner, hitting my cranium with a sledge.
8-6 against bad teams … 0-2 against good teams. Unless I’m miscounting my toes, that’s 8-8. The Packers went 10-6, so doesn’t that mean they went 10-4 against bad teams.
It can be argued that the NFC as a whole is pretty bad too.
Guh. 10-4 against the bad ones. You’re right.
Dear god, you are insane. You have the audacity to say Beltran might not be worth what the Mets are offering him? Surely you’ll invoke the wrath of all the Desipians who have been humping Bora$’s leg, eager to pay $120 million for 7 years of Mole-tran’s CF play.
Yeah, Beltran is a very good player, would make a fine Cub, and could be a potential media superstar in the game, but let’s not break the bank, as some are suggesting. There is such thing as overpaying (see Martinez, Pedro); there is such thing as paying market value (see Maddux, Greg); and there is such thing as underpaying (see Tribune Corporation).
Yeah, it sucks to have an ownership that shies away from making a bold move, but at this point, landing Beltran for $120 million and 7 years isn’t necessarily a smart move. A five-tool player? More like four-and-a-half…
He’d look great in Cubby Blue, but this is getting ridiculous.
Here’s your major Cub Free Agent Signing. The picture is from his last at bat in 2004.
Are pictures turned off?
![]("http://home.comcast.net/~ivychat/plordonez.JPG"/)
My namesake is invalid, unless you want to spread the blame to each and every Big Ten team that plays home games.
Definitely true that refs give homecourt calls in the Big Ten. But did anyone see the end of the Iowa game? Iowa down three, Pierre Pierce shoots a three, the shot was blocked cleanly, no hand, no body, and he was awarded three free throws. Missed the first, made the second, and then threw the third off the backboard without hitting the rim (not even close).
But whoever the announcers were on that game made a ridiculous statement. They criticized the Michigan defender for contesting the shot.
I’ll make them pay for not resigning me…BlTCHES.
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=1960689
3 things that’d have to happen before I’d consider watching West Wing again:
– Josh starts reprising his Evil Eric laugh from Billy Madison
-Weekly Sam Seabourne cameos
-C.J. and Donna become Scissor Sisters
And alright I’ll say it… Anyone who would even joke of a Roger Powell, Jr. – Antawn Jamison parallel is about as hip as Rasheed Wallace’s grey spot….
Actually on last night’s episode CJ was "outed".
But she’s not gay. But she is tall and played basketball in high school, so much like Ben Stiller’s real life wife in Dodgeball, she’s most likely bi.
Oh, and you’re right. Roger’s probably better than Antawn.
So I’m in an open air market in Mexico and there is this genuine gold ring that my wife wants me to buy for her at a stall, but there are 2 potential buyers who got there first, and one has offered $96 dollars, and the other has offered $125 dollars. My first question is, how do I convince my wife that I made a good faith effort to buy her this ring when, knowing that these other offers were made, I then offered $75 dollars? My second question is, did I really expect to have sex with my wife ever again?
Hey Stew, that’s fascinating. I once wanted to buy a ring. It was shiny and pretty. Can I pick your mind about this some more? You’re my kind of people.
I’ve guess Carlos Beltran and his wife are wonderful people.
I don’t know them personally, but I know someone who cleans their toilets. She said that Carlos would love to play in Chicago.
IT’S A METAPHOR!! ARE YOU TOO IGNORANT TO KNOW WHAT A METAPHOR IS??? FAUX, I WISH THIS WAS THE TIME OF DUELS SO I COULD SHOOT YOU!!
shoot him anyway
Sandberg wants to have Jim Frey introduce him at his Hall of Fame induction ceremony. Is he going into Canton? I don’t think they do that for baseball.
CT–
You’re right.
http://chicagosports.chicagotribune.com/sports/baseball/cubs/cs-050106ryno,1,6347978.story?coll=cs-home-headlines
It’s really quite hilarious. Frey cancelled his golf trip in Scotland.
I didn’t know that they didn’t have intro speeches, but the writers should have known. They cover this crap for a living. Instead, they made a big fuzzy warm story about it. All it would have taken was for ONE dumbass writer to let Ryno know that they didn’t do that.
Priceless.
Just to let you know, when I need a Cub column, all I do is come to this site, hit CTRL + A, CTRL + C then open a Word document and hit CTRL + V.
Voila!
Thanks, Andy. The autographed 11 x 14 glossy is in the mail.
My first act of free will shall be to believe in free will. by online poker
And for mathematical science, he that doubts their certainty hath need of a dose of hellebore. by adipex
An apt and true reply was given to Alexander the Great by a pirate who had been seized. For when that king had asked the man what he meant by keeping hostile possession of the sea, he answered with bold pride. ‘What thou meanest by seizing the whole earth; but because I do it with a petty ship, I am called a robber, whilst thou who dost it with a great fleet art styled emperor. by online casino guide
All democrats are insane, but not one of them knows it; none but the republicans and mugwumps know it. All the republicans are insane, but only the democrats and mugwumps can perceive it. The rule is perfect: in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. by free video poker
60824f2483c163415a3058742bae2ab0 bf0184e0f5fd.
24be2baa540dd7d2bcfca1496e4e7603 06fb.
Philosophy, beginning in wonder … is able to fancy everything different from what it is. It sees the familiar as if it were strange, and the strange as if it were familiar. It can take things up and lay them down again. Its mind is full of air that plays round every subject. It rouses us from our native dogmatic slumber and breaks up our caked prejudices….A man with no philosophy in him is the most inauspicious and unprofitable of all possible social mates. by soma online
online poker Distrust everyone in whom the impulse to punish is powerful!
online casino Convictions are more dangerous enemies of truth than lies.
online poker By recognizing a favorable opinion of yourself, and taking pleasure in it, you in a measure give yourself and your peace of mind into the keeping of another, of whose attitude you can never be certain. You have a new source of doubt and apprehension.
online poker Man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much…the wheel, New York, wars, and so on, whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely the dolphins believed themselves to be more intelligent than man for precisely the same reasons.
gambling The expression often used by Mr. Herbert Spencer, of the Survival of the Fittest, is more accurate, and is sometimes equally convenient.
cheap phentermine ‘Slapdash egoism’, Midgley says, ‘is not really a very puzzling phenomenon’. Nor, I suppose, is slapdash discussion (even in a reputable philosophical journal); but it is deplorable.
internet poker It is absurd to hold that a man ought to be ashamed of being unable to defend himself with his limbs, but not of being unable to defend himself with speech and reason (logos), when the use of rational speech is more distinctive of a human being than the use of his limbs.
roulette I have an extreme dislike for vague, confused, and oracular writing; and I have very little patience with authors who express themselves in this style. I believe that what can be said at all can be said simply and clearly in any civilized language or in a suitable system of symbols, and that verbal obscurity is almost always a sign of mental confusion.