So Carlos Beltran is off to try and figure out if $17 million a year can buy him happiness. I’m pretty sure that it can. The Cardinals are very excited because both of their closest pursuers in the NL Central missed out on the guy who almost single-handedly saved them the disgrace of playing in a World Series without ever having a lead. And so the Astros are in disarray and the Cubs are right where they were yesterday and the day before.

It now seems likely that the Cubs will take a one-year flyer on Magglio Ordonez and hope that his leg doesn’t snap in two. If it doesn’t, whether they trade Sammy Sosa or not, they’ll have a better offense than they did last year. If it does…well, I think we’re all excited about watching Jason Dubois wear out the grass in left aren’t we? Aren’t we? Let’s all convince ourselves we’re excited about that.

That’s not going to work, is it?

I’m not going to get into the discussion of whether Carlos Beltran is worth $119 million. He’s worth whatever somebody will pay him, and if you’re the Cubs and you’ll pay him $15 million a year, well, you can pay him $17 million per just as well.

What I don’t get though is why the Astros wouldn’t match the Mets’ offer. They offered over $100 million, and then balked at a no-trade clause. As Tim Kurkijan said on ESPN yesterday, “Once you pay a guy that much money, he comes with a built-in no trade clause. You might as well just give him one, you’re not going to be able to trade him anyway.”

The worst-case scenario for the Cubs would have been Beltran signing with Houston. That would have activated the return launch sequence for Rocket Clettitte. Instead it leaves them with a crater in center that right now is going to be filled by…Craig Biggio…muahahahahahaha.

The second-worst-case scenario was Beltran signing with the Mets. Because by paying him a not-so-small fortune it could take them out of the Sammy Sosa Hostage Crisis. Though, if they miss out on Carlos Delgado (who seems hell bent for Texas right now), the Mets might be back in the Sammy business. Who knows?

It does seem likely that the Cubs are still looking for two outfielders not just one. They want to trade Sammy, and Phil Rogers says they’d like to do it this week. Of course, Phil Rogers is a know-nothing moran.

Seabiscuit’s Jockey actually talked to Magglio Ordonez, who made no secret that his desire is to play for the Cubs this year. Meanwhile, Sosa-toady Mike Kiley says the Cubs need to trade Sammy first. Now that makes no sense, but since when has anything Kiley ever written made sense?

The Cubs are believed to be negotiating with a “small market team that’s over it’s budget” about picking up an outfielder. Speculation is that the team is the Reds and the player is Austin Kearns. But it could also be the A’s and Eric Byrnes.

Though they rhyme, one is clearly better than the other, and it’s Kearns, not Byrnes. Acutally, Eric Byrnes would be entertaining, but his complete inability to judge the distance between the outfield wall and his face would be disastrous in Wrigley, where as Juan Pierre can tell you, the “ivory” is unforgiving.

Why the Reds would trade Kearns within the division is a mystery. For my money, he’s clearly a better prospect than Wily Mo Pena, and actually is a better one than Adam Dunn. What he hasn’t been the last two years is healthy, but when he is, he can rake. Just ask The Farns.

What appears to be the Cubs next plan, it might be Plan B, though the half-assed way they went after Beltran, it’s probably Plan A, is to trade Sosa to the Mets for Cliff Floyd, and sign Magglio to a one-year deal if a physical shows him to be healthy (or as close to healthy as you can tell from a physical).

Plan B..or C..or whatever would be to trade Sammy, and trade for one of the ‘erns brothers.

Plan C or D is to keep Sammy and trade for one of the ‘earns.

The question we keep asking ourselves is, are the Cubs better than they were last year?

The answer, even right now is yes. Though how much better is still unknown.

Of course, it’s a big assumption, but isn’t that what the offseason is all about. The Mets are assuming that the real Carlos Beltran is the one who tore through the postseason, not the one who .258 with seven RBI in September while he watched his teammates storm to the wild card berth.

But these assumptions seem logical.

– Nomar Garciaparra will give the Cubs an actual offensive threat which hasn’t had one since the glory half-years of Shawon Dunston. Shawon would be good for one half, but never both.

– The bullpen will be better given another year of experience for the Ice Man and Todd Wellemeyer, and a return to set up duty for LaTroy.

– Mark Prior and Kerry Wood should increase their combined win total from 14 to something like 35.

– Moises Alou’s home production (.339 average, .405 on base, .714 slugging, 1.119 ops) will be missed, but not his road production (.247, .316, .400, .716).

– No more Wendell Kim to keep waving runners to an untimely death between third and home.

– A better season out of Derrek Lee who bookended a great run of May – August with a .233 April and and a .226 September.

– E-ramis Ramirez could make a run at a batting title if his groin remains in one piece.

The reality is that even as flawed as they were with injuries, attitude problems and that inconsistent offense, the 2004 Cubs didn’t fail for a lack of talent. They didn’t have it where it counts. Right between the legs.

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One more thing about Ordonez. If the Cubs sign him and if he’s healthy (the truly big if), the Cubs don’t need to worry about getting him instead of another lefthanded bat. Consider this. Over the last three years Magglio hits righthanded pitching to the tune of .316 average, .382 on base, .582 slugging. I’d say that would do.

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The Bulls continue to beat teams that they’re supposed to, and are now, 13-18. That’s right, after starting 0-9 they’ve pulled to within five games of .500 and if the playoffs started today…they wouldn’t be in them, but they’re only one and a half games behind the Sixers for the final playoff spot.

They’re getting excellent play out of rookies Luol Deng and Ben Gordon, Andres Nocioni is irritating everybody on the court, though usually the opponents more than his teammates, and Chris Duhon is…well, he’s bad. But Eddy Curry’s been playing like he has a pulse and though Tyson Chandler’s only ball skill is to go get it and give it to somebody else, his defense and athleticism is finally being harnessed. I dare say that they’re actually fun to watch. Who knew?

Oh, and I’m off my Groucho-esque “trade Kirk Hinrich” tangent for now. Instead, I’m keeping close tabs on Curry and Gordon’s quest to become the first teammates to finish 1-2 in turnovers per 48 minutes. Yikes.

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For those of you who freaked out at the poor first half Illinois put up in West Lafayette, you should be heartened that Wisconsin and Iowa managed to play a poor first half in their road losses on Saturday…only their poor first halves lasted all 40 minutes.

I also watched a big hunk of the North Carolina-Maryland game and my advice to Illinois is that if they want to spend a lot of weeks this year as the top team, they better not lose. Because Carolina might never let go of the top spot if they get it.

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How fitting was it that immediately following their uninspired, playoff thrashing to the hapless Vikings, that Mike Sherman’s job status is in question? Here’s a guy who got his team through the first round of the playoffs last year (it took a hellacious Matt Hasselbeck pass in OT to help the Packers avoid their second straight home playoff loss), only to scapegoat his defensive coordinator for their second round loss, and then the Packers defense played like a sieve all year long.

For the first time since Lindy Infante was the coach, Green Bay had a losing record at Lambeau (4-5), including home losses to the Bears!, Vikings, Giants, Titans, and Jaguars. Five teams with a combined regular season record of 33-47. Ooh, feel the Lambeau intimidation!

By the way, if Joe Buck is still aghast at the TD celebration of Randy Moss, he might want to get over it. It’s not like Randy actually pulled his ass out of his pants. Think about how much you have to overreact to something to have people come to Randy Moss’ defense?

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When Illinois fired Ron Turner I distinctly remember saying that if the Bears were smart, they’d fire Terry Shea and hire him. Who knew? Now Ron can set about making me look like even more of a dope than I already am.

For anyone who thinks all the Bears are doing is recycling a coach and signing him on the cheap, they’re paying him $1.5 million for three years, and in his previous stint as OC he was the best one the Bears have had since…uh…ever.

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The Cubs didn’t get Beltran (though they didn’t try very hard).

Beltran has $119 reasons to try and forget that he’s now playing in the biggest dump in the majors. I think I could forget for that amount, too.

Rick Morrissey’s column does not seem to have a point.

Suddenly the Bulls are talking about giving Eddy Curry a contract extension. Groucho will be thrilled, it’ll mean four more years of weekly columns with Eddy trade rumors.

I think, but I’m a dope, that the Colts are going to beat the Patriots this weekend. Mariotti puts down the doughnut to think the same thing, so now I’m guaranteed to be wrong.

Ron Turner wants the Bears to run the ball more. I’d start with them blocking more.

Peter King is Moss-intensive in his MMQB.

Bob Klapisch says the Beltran signing makes the Mets “legit.” They’ll be legit and they’ll be better but they still won’t win 85 games.

The Rangers are trying to trade Alfonso Soriano to the Astros (where he’ll play second with the Beege in center — muahahahahahaha) to make room for Carlos Delgado who hits like .874 in Arlington.

The Orioles think Beltran going to New York makes Delgado theirs.

Now Shawn Green can say, “I approved the trade, right after I rejected it.” Take a look at his contract. He waived a no trade clause, lowered his salary this year from $16 million to $10.5 million and got two more years. Sounds like a roadmap to a Sammy Sosa contract restructuring to me.

Look at the names the Astros are after now: Turk Wendell, Shawn Estes, Jose Cruz. Hee hee. Let me be the first to say that if Roger Clemens pitches next year, it’ll be for the Red Sox. He’s just that kind of assh…guy.

The D’backs are after crazy Eric Byrnes. They’re also after Mike Cameron, and the White Sox have talked with the A’s about Byrnes.

Brad and Jen are splitting up…

…and Bubba and Gee Dub are getting cozy!

The world’s greatest newspaper says that the Post Office is going to issue XXX rated stamps with porn stars on them!

I won’t leave you behind, but I’ll leave you with Jen’s behind. Hey, I’m just glad she’s back on the market.