E-ramis hitting a granny in the last game the 2003 Cubs would win.The Cubs handed out money like candy yesterday and Corey Patterson, The Farns and Michael Barrett all got paid. Two of them deserved the money they got. The other one has already spent it on leather pants and Zima. But the best of the arbitration eligible Cubs didn’t sign on the dotted line yesterday.

E-ramis Ramirez submitted his arbitration figure and it was a big one, $10.5 million for 2005. Carlos Zambrano submitted his at just over $4 million, saw what E-ramis had asked for and yelled, “I must go out there and kill my agent!”

Already this morning you can hear talk radio filled with dopes wringing their hands over the Cubs’ public statements that they want to sign E-ramis to a long-term contract but not Carlos.

Here’s what makes them dopes. This is E-ramis’ last year of arbitration. You don’t sign him long-term now and he’s taking grounders for the Tigers…or Tigres or whoever next year.

Tigers?  Tigres?  Whatever.

Zambrano still has two years of arbitration left, so you play this out next year with him. These are the same dopes who predicted that Kerry Wood was going to be an Astro or a Brave by now. That’s why they’re dopes.

You can piss and moan all you want about the contract that Corey Patterson got from the Cubs for next year. He got a $2.4 million raise for striking out 168 times. But he also hit 24 homers, drove in 72 runs, stole 32 bases and ran seven marathons in six months playing in between the cardboard cutouts of Moises Alou and Samuel Peralta Sosa last year. This is the year we’ll find out about Corey. He’s more than a full year recovered from reconstructive knee surgery and we’ll see if fatigue was the reason for his September demise or if other teams adjusted to whatever adjustment he’d made.

Another guy who died in September, Michael Barrett, got a three year deal. Not bad for a guy who’s had exactly one good Major League season. Questions abound about his handling of the pitching staff, but come on.

The Cubs had a team ERA of 3.81. Barrett’s catcher’s ERA was 3.88 and Gabor Bako’s was 3.53. Part of that can be attributed to the fact that Gabor didn’t have to catch Sergio Mitre or Matt Clement. He just caught Greg Maddux and then at the end of the season he caught a red-hot Mark Prior.

If Barrett was such a spaz behind the plate, how come he posted a .994 fielding average (to Bako’s .989)? Gabor threw out 29 percent of baserunners attempting to steal, and Barrett only threw out 25 percent, but why did teams run more on Gabor than Barrett?

Actually, we know that one. Gabor caught Maddux and if you had one leg and a cane you ran against Maddux. OK, never mind.

Hank White takes over for Gabor and his catcher’s ERA was 4.25 to the Twins’ 4.03 as a team. But he threw out an astounding 30 of 61 baserunners attempting to steal (49.2 percent). You can’t chalk that all up to Terry Mulholland’s move to first, can you?

Here’s a quote from Jim Hendry that ought to warm the cockles of your heart about Barrett.

“I don’t think anybody didn’t feel like Michael didn’t have an outstanding season until the last couple weeks.”

Ouch, babe.

The Cubs also signed former Reds’ and Red Sox’ reliever Scott Williamson to a one-year deal for the AAA minimum of $313,000 with an option for 2006. Williamson is a great pitcher when he’s healthy. The problem has been his elbow, which at times would swell up to nearly the size of Neifi Perez’s head.

My head!  Is huge!  No?

Williamson finally decided to get the cure for what Chip Caray so famously called “Tommy John Disease” and could be back pitching for the Cubs in August. This would put him on a similar schedule to the one Ryan Dempster followed, which would have Williamson walking two banjo-hitting Mets in a key ninth inning loss to the Mets this September. That’ll be great! I’ll set my TiVo.