As Doc Holliday once said, “My hypocrisy has its limits,” but even though I’ll be attendance for my second Cubs Convention in three years, it doesn’t mean I don’t get to make fun of…everybody else who’s there.
I was struck by two things when I went to my first convention in 2003. First, I was impressed by how quickly the attitude of the franchise had changed with the hiring of Dusty Baker. No matter his faults, the attitude of self-defeatism and resignation to being losers was gone the minute Jim Hendry hired Dusty. It may have been replaced by an attitude of paranoia and defensiveness, but hey, for the Cubs, that’s progress.
The second thing I noticed was, “Holy crap, look at all these geeks!” It’s a fan convention. In that sense you expect kind of a Lemming Horde at these things. What you get however, is an interesting mixture of the old, the young, the square, the hip and the mildly retarded.
I’ve told this joke before, but hey, it’s not like you’re not used to me recycling them. A few years ago my friend Wheels and I saw an obviously retarded young man wearing a Cubs hat. Wheels looked at me and said, “What does that tell you?” And I replied, “That even he’s smart enough not to root for the White Sox.”
It will be interesting to see how things have changed after a 2004 season that really, nobody enjoyed. Oh, it had it’s moments. But for the most part, 2004 was just one big kick in the nuts.
At the 2003 convention, the Lemming Horde just wanted the promise of a winner. Dusty’d just been in a World Series and anything was possible.
At the 2004 convention the Lemming Horde thought that the playoffs would be our birthright, and as much as losing games five, six and seven of the NLCS hurt, surely it would be washed away by a 2004 pennant.
But now? Things could get ugly. The fans have been pretty much pissed off for about eight straight months now. Dusty’s not going to find a happy, receptive group. He’s going to get ripped for letting his team get out of control last year. He’s going to get put on the spot about how to deal with The Gladiator. He’s going to even take some crap from people who think he ran off Chip and Steve.
In short, this should be fun!
Here’s the official convention schedule. The unofficial parts are in italics.
Schedule of Events:
Friday, Jan. 21st: 5:00 p.m.-5:30 p.m. Opening Ceremony Your first chance to boo your least favorite Cubs
5:45 p.m.-6:30 p.m. Autograph Hunt Game I just hope I find Ken Reitz!
7:00 p.m.-9:00 p.m. Sports Central Live Dad’s chance to use his joke about Kap and Waddle — “Hey, Kathy and Judy are looking rough.”
7:00 p.m.-9:00 p.m. CUBS BINGO! E-9! Anybody got E-9?
9:00 p.m. – ??? Desipio.com invades Kitty O’Shea’s
Saturday, Jan. 22:
9:00 a.m.-10:00 a.m. Meet Cubs Baseball Management Your chance to ask Jim Hendry — “What the f@#$ are you waiting for?
9:00 a.m.-10:00 a.m. Is there a Doctor in the House? Apparently not. Or if there is one, he likely isn’t licensed in Illinois.
9:30 a.m.-10:30 a.m Cubs Jeopardy! Who are perpetual losers?
10:00 a.m.-11:00 a.m. The Kids Interactive Room Challenge Take batting practice off of Mike Wuertz. Everybody else does.
10:30 a.m.-11:30 a.m. Not for Women Only My chance to say, “Hey, Kap and Waddle are looking rough.”
10:30 a.m.-11:30 a.m. A Photographic Peek Inside the Cubs, presented by Vine Line Includes the photos Gabor Bako apparently had of Dusty.
11:30 a.m.-12:30 p.m. Dusty Baker and the Coaches Corner Dusty will explain that he only lost one player to an illegal substitution in 2004! He won’t point out that that it’s one more than just about every other manager…in the world.
11:30 a.m.-12:30 p.m. Hitting Clinic See the ball, swing at the ball, sit down.
12:00 p.m.-1:00 p.m. Pitchers and Catchers: What They are Talking About Mike Barrett is pretty much just talking about God.
12:30 p.m.-1:30 p.m. Baseball’s Renaissance Apparently it hasn’t moved west of the Charles River yet
1:00 p.m.-2:00 p.m. The Baseball Comedy Hour Better known as Corey Patterson trying to bunt.
1:30 p.m.-2:30 p.m. Behind the Mic The first person to complain about Chip leaving gets a pie in the face from Karry Ling.
2:00 p.m.-3:00 p.m. History of the Cubs Convention Good God, they have to be kidding. Right?
2:30 p.m.-3:30 p.m. Ryno’s Road to the Hall of Fame Well, first he’ll take 88 East…
3:00 p.m.-4:00 p.m. Wheelchair Cubs Last year they beat the ambulatory Cubs 9-4.
3:00 p.m.-4:00 p.m. For Kids Only Press Conference The Farns is banned because he knocked up one of the seven year olds at last year’s.
4:00 p.m.-5:00 p.m. Blast from the Past! Better known as “pie eating with the Reuschels!”
4:30 p.m.-5:30 p.m. Pitching Clinic Sergio Mitre shows you how to throw the “nothing ball.”
8:00 p.m.-Midnight Rock ‘n’ Roll Revue Like Soul Train without the soul…or the train.
8:00 p.m. – ??? Desipio invades Kitty O’Shea’s part deux? Kerry Ling…pantsless!
Sunday, Jan. 23
9:00 a.m.-10:00 a.m. Meet Cubs Business Management Your chance to give Andy MacPhail a shirtless hug.
9:30 a.m-10:30 a.m. The Kids Interactive Room Challenge This year it’s safer because Wendell Kim won’t be around to wave them helplessly down empty elevator shafts.
10:30 a.m.- 11:30 a.m. Down on the Farm Your chance to hear Oneri Fleita extoll the obvious virtues of Buck Coats!
——-
My favorite part of the convention, or of the Cubs Caravan is when a 90 year old, grumpy, obviously syphillitic man stands up and yells at whoever’s within earshot that he wants to the see the Cubs win a World Series in his lifetime and asking, “WILL YOU WIN A WORLD SERIES BEFORE I DIE?” Followed immediately by me yelling from the crowd, “Not unless they move the World Series up to February!”
I also enjoy watching the herds of fat, single, women complaining openly that they had to pay $2 for a Pepsi. They’re upset because it cuts into their sweat pants budget.
See you at the convention.
Love,
andy
Rosie Brown is back in the MLB…he signed a minor league deal with the Braves.
I am not syphlittic, and I can hold out until at least May.
“I also enjoy watching the herds of fat, single, women complaining openly that they had to pay $2 for a Pepsi. They’re upset because it cuts into their sweat pants budget.”
Pepsi’s are only $2.00? You won’t find ME complaining!
I didn’t realize that it was gonna be two nights at Kitty’s. That would be a sight to see. How will you all recognize each other? I mean, besides Mr. Ling?
The second night is up in the air, but I have a feeling I’ll be warming a bar stool there both nights.
How will we recognize each other? We’re the pretty ones!
Flag on the play…
“It appears my hypocrisy has no bounds…”
Sorry Jake, you’ll have to rewatch. He says it both ways. One when he gives the badge back, one when he’s dying in the sanitorium bed.
Hey,
Why am I not mentioned in this article?
After all, I am the prettiest at the convention!
take many pics – this should lead to interesting board fodder – of course anything does that….
I went a few years ago, and all I walked away with was a baseball signed by some Dolan guy…
Ripped off, maybe I signed the baseball! You have to remember me, right? I went 0-4 with a 5.01 ERA during that memorable 1958 season!
Hope you get a pic of the Muskrat…seeing is believing…
I think of myself as a very, very second-eleven, even third eleven member of the profession. I think that a lot of women are in that position, for one reason or another, not unfairly, but that’s where they belong. by viagra
It’s strange that people don’t recognise the enormous decline in taste melody, rhythm, harmony and invention since the days of Elvis, Chuck Berry and The Beatles. by virtual casino
There can be no other truth to take off from than this: I think, therefore, I exist. There we have the absolute truth of consciousness becoming aware of itself. by texas hold em rules
If a man were to say he chose something impossible he would be thought a fool; but we can wish for things that are impossible, for instance immortality. by fioricet
online poker The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.
online casino There is no theory of a God, of an author of nature, of an origin of the Universe, which is not utterly repugnant to my facilities; which is not (to my feelings) so irrelevant as to make me blush; so misleading as to make me mourn.
online poker But here steps in Satan, the eternal rebel, the first free-thinker and emancipator of worlds. He makes man ashamed of his bestial ignorance and obedience; he emancipates him, stamps upon his brow the seal of liberty and humanity, in urging him to disobey and eat of the fruit of knowledge.
online poker I have read your paper with great interest. I agree entirely with all the underlying assumptions. As soon as Russia rejected the Baruch proposals, I urged that all nations favouring international control of atomic energy should form an Alliance, and threaten Russia with war unless Russia agreed to come in and permit inspection.
buy viagra History is little else than a picture of human crimes and misfortunes.
roulette We feel and know that we are eternal.