I wouldn’t even allow myself to imagine the mess that will occur if somehow the Sammy Sosa trade falls through. Don’t even think about what spring training would be like then. It’d make Chernobyl look like somebody spilled grape juice on the carpet.
So with Sammy planning on jetting up to Baltimore to get some crabs and take a physical tomorrow and one of the Orioles’ prospects not able to take his until Wednesday (by the way, why are the Cubs even giving the Orioles’ players physicals? If one of them had developed leprosy over the offseason, they’re not going to put the trade at risk), it’s going to be a few days before the hostage crisis finally ends.
A thoughtful, intellectual Web site would take the next couple days to reflect. To reflect on what this trade means, not just to the Cubs or the Orioles but to society in general. What does it say about “us”? Hmm?
Ahh, screw that. Sammy’s gone. So let’s figure out how to replace him!
There are so many candidates to fill the Cubs two remaining outfield spots that it looks like the 2008 Iowa Caucus has started early.
Let’s start with the in-house guys, including, for the same of argument one of the guys Sammy was traded for, Jerry Hairston, Jr.
Jerry Hairston, Jr. Jerry’s 28, enjoys playing second base and breaking his foot. He hit .303 with a .378 on base average last year in half a healthy season for the Orioles and he had a bone removed from his foot (the talus) so that wouldn’t break it anymore. That’s…uh…comforting?
There has been some speculation that Jerry’s stay in Chicago will be brief and that he’s on his way to Tampa Bay in another trade, but most likely he’ll become a Tony Phillips like player for the Cubs, except without the cocaine abuse and physical assaults on fans–meaning he will lead off most days and play either second or left or even give Corey a day off in center once and a while.
Jerry’s dad was on the Sox when Sammy first came to them. Yikes.
Jason Dubois Dubois has nothing left to prove in the minors, having hit 30 homers or more each of the last three years and looking every bit like a Dave Kelton who can hit. Most troubling is that he sounds just like Billy Bob Thornton in Sling Blade when he talks. It’s scary, really.
There’s no doubt that Dubois should have a spot in the ’05 roster, but should he be handed a starting spot? Hey, like Dusty says, “We’re in the earn it business, not the give it business.” Unless you’re Gary Matthews and then you get to keep your job even though you’re a complete dope. Hey, how much of that was out loud?
Todd Hollandsworth Last seen writhing in pain and using his bat as a cane as he tried to stand up. That’s never a good sign. Yesterday, Steve Stone said that Hollandsworth has “all the tools to be a star, he just needs to stay healthy.” That’s kind of like saying that Karen Carpenter would have had a long career had she learned to keep down a sandwich.
There’s a reason the Cubs are trying to find a guy to push Hollandsworth to the bench. He can pinch hit like nobody’s business and the more he plays the closer he is to another stint on the gimp list.
Now the outside candidates.
Aubrey Huff Now why would Tampa Bay want to part with a 28 year old who is a career .295 hitter with power, an ability to get on base and who can play first, third, left and right? Well, here’s the thing, nobody’s really sure they want to. But, these are the same Devil Rays who thought bringing Fred McGriff in twice was a good idea and who managed to get the worst year out of Vinny Castilla’s career. There is only one problem with Aubrey Huff the baseball player. He plays the outfield like the object is to get as far away from the ball as possible then pick it up when it stops rolling. You don’t want him in right field, but in left? Hell, anybody can play left. Moises Alou played it while sitting in an easy chair for three years. Huff has two years remaining on a contract he signed before last season, and you have to figure any deal for Huff will include The Farns and probably either or both of Sergio Mitre and Jason Dubois. Where do I sign?
Magglio Ordonez The most intriguing name on this list is that of Magglio “Peggy” Ordonez. Peggy is the best and most proven of the lot, though Huff’s lefty stick certainly is tempting. However, there’s the big question mark with Magglio and that’s “Will he have to have his left leg amputated?” Look, prostheses on your radio analysts are charming, on your right fielder? Not so much.
So if he’s not healthy, there’s no reason to consider him, however, if he is healthy, the Cubs are going to be a major player in where he ends up. Everybody knows that Detroit offered Ordonez a five-year, $55 million deal, just like the one that landed his fellow Scott Boras client with the Dodgers last month. So why didn’t Peggy jump to sign it? Well, maybe he can’t jump. Oh, wait, this is the part where we assume he’s healthy, sorry.
The Tigers are dumb, but not stupid. Their offer is a two-year deal that automatically becomes a five year deal if Magglio is healthy enough to play in a certain number of games. In his mind, he might as well just sign a two-year deal because if he proves to be healthy, he a) won’t have to play in Detroit in 2007, 2008 and 2009 and b) will be able to command more cash because if healthy, he’s a stud. So in Peggy’s mind, it’s a two year deal with a three-year prison sentence at the end. He’d rather just sign for two-years with somebody else, and he wants that to be the Cubs. He wants to stick it to the Sox and he doesn’t want to have to move. It’s perfect.
But if you’re the Cubs, can you sign a guy to play right and worry that he won’t be able to play in 120 games? That’s where the incentives come in. Say Ordonez signs for a base salary of $6 million bucks with incentives that, if he’s the old Magglio, mean he could earn up to $11 million? If his leg snaps, you’re out $6 million and you need to trade for a new right fielder. But if the alternative is paying $5 million to a bona fide stiff like…(the next guy on the list)…it seems more prudent to gamble on a guy who might be great again, like Ordonez.
Jeromy Burnitz Remember when the rumors were floating around that the Cubs were going to sign Tony Womack? Yeah, those rumors were apparently floated to pressure Todd Walker into making a decision about coming back (it didn’t work because Todd waited until his arbitration deadline anyway) and I’m hoping that rumors of the Cubs’ interest in Burnitz are just as erroneous.
I had season tickets in Miller Park during his final year there in 2001. He had a good year, he only hit .251 but he hit 34 homers and drove in 100 runs. He also played an excellent right field. He’s smart, he gets good jumps on balls and has a rocket arm. He struck out 150 times that year, which is bad, but at least he walked 80 times. But since then, he hasn’t come close to drawing 80 walks in a season. He struggled in New York with the Mets in 2002, but then came back to put up decent numbers in 2003 with them (.274 average 18 homers, 45 RBI in 65 games) before getting traded to the Dodgers. Last year he put up strong, Coors-fueled numbers of .283, 37 homers and 110 RBI playing in Denver.
In his defense, people look at his home and road splits and say, “See, he can’t hit on the road!” However, over the 10 year history of Coors Field, it has proven to depress every Rockies’ road splits, no matter how bad (Darryl Hamilton) or how good (Larry Walker) they were. It’s believed that hitting at Coors is a disadvantage for any player when they go on the road because the ball reacts to much differently at sea level. Guys like Dante Bichette and Vinny Castilla, who seemed to be at the end of their productive careers have left Colorado and actually enjoyed surprising rebound years (Bichette in Cincinnati and Boston in 2000 — and Vinny after a horrid year and a half in Tampa).
Most Cubs fans won’t mind picking up Burnitz, if it’s in conjunction with a move for somebody like Peggy or Aubrey. But if the opening day outfield is Hairston, Corey and Jeromy? You’re going to be able to hear the hand wringing for hundreds of miles.
My season tickets that year in Milwaukee were in the field bleachers (great seats, $10 by the way) right behind Jeromy. My fondest memories of his time there was him gunning down Derek Bell trying to go first to third a single to left by…40 feet, and the way he treated the Brewers employee who used to come out warm Jeromy up at the top of every inning.
The centerfielder (Jeffrey Hammonds or Alex Sanchez) always played catch with Geoff Jenkins in left, so the Brewers would send out a college-aged girl, a member of what they called then, the “Superteam”, now they’re the “Brew Crew”. Now these were never perky, cute college girls, these were manly, softball playing girls. Jeromy was always very nice to them, he’d patiently wait for them to jog out and he’d smile at them and then he’d throw the ball at them at about 140 miles an hour, every time. You could literally see some of them wince as the ball smacked their glove. I had a roommate in college who you hated to play catch with because he claimed he had to throw the ball as hard as he could every time or he didn’t have any control of there it was going. I think he was just being a prick. But maybe Jeromy was the same way? On any level, it was funny as hell.
The best part of that Q&A column is when the guy says that the “only” hangups on the Tigers signing Ordonez are the length and amount of the contract, and the injury clauses. Yeah, those are just very minor details that need to be ironed out.
Wha about other candidates? Your angle on the Marlins last winter, knowing they had an $11mm bogey on Hampton, made the Fish a potential target for Sosa.
Let’s go outside the box. Who might be available? Let’s throw Mitre, Tightpants and a Guzman-type in the mix.
The body to whom I’m attached is not considered a potential right field replacement?
Fine. Here’s how this will work. List any viable canidadates via trade, we’ll use Chuck’s idea of Mitre, Farns and a Guzman-type pitching prospect (Guzman, Brownlie, etc.) as the most we’d have to give up for a guy, and I’ll give them the Maggs-Burnitz-Huff treatment.
Have at it.
Yes, canidadadates…but they don’t have to be from Canidada.
Let’s see:
1. Carlos Lee/Geoff Jenkins, Milwaukee
2. Jock (Jacque) Jones, Minnesota
3. Cliff Floyd, NY (N)
4. Termel Sledge (Was.)
5. Juan Pierre (Fla.)
6. Austin Kearns
7. Luis Gonzalez’s surgically repaired elbow (AZ)
8. Milton Bradley (LA)
9. Rob Macowiak (PIT)
10. Bo Jackson
11. Bo Hart
12. George Bell
13. Jeff George
14. Homer Bush
15. Jenna Bush
16. Alan Keyes
17. Tyrone Keyes
Have at it, Andy.
I keep thinking the phone is going to ring any second…Surely we have some young outfielder type around here that I could give away…
Number 98 in your programs, number one in your hearts. Were there ever a better set of backup D-linemen than me and Henry Waechter?
I vote for Marla Collins in RF–without pants, of course.
We all still think the following phrase is original and witty:
“Addition by subtraction”
I don’t know if you guys dislike Maggs cuz he was on the Sox, but he is the best option here. By far. I think his knee will holdup (just a hunch as it was serious but nothing career-altering, IMHO), so offer him some dough over a couple of seasons with incentives and DO NOT BE CHEAP. Get the dude in right field. He has already said he doesn’t want to leave Chicago.
Maggs would look AWESOME alongside Aramis in the lineup, and the dude is an underrated in the fielder.
And Keys and Waechter were great and all, but they were nothing compared to Mike Hartenstine.
I think, Unknown Column that the reason people are leery of Maggs is that…uh…you know…the bone just above his left knee is…uh…you know…DYING.
Andy, Unknown Column is brilliant! Hell, he wanted my head on a platter two short months ago…
:::just a hunch as it was serious but nothing career-altering, IMHO:::
Altering? No. Threatening? Yessireebobby!
While the pic of Peg Leg is a joke, the reality is that without proper blood flow to the bones in his leg (the reported problem) the picture could become reality.
I am president of the BC fanclub.
You know you want me.
Here’s some names:
J. Burnitz, Col
H. Matsui, NYY
M. Cameron, NYM
B. Abreu, Phi
A. Jones, Atl
C. Wilson, Pit
G. Jenkins, Mil
W. Pena, Cin
J. Bay, Pit
J. Jones, Min
P. Burrell, Phi
V. Wells, Tor
J. Cruz Jr., TB
K. Griffey Jr., Cin
Discuss.
1. Carlos Lee/Geoff Jenkins, Milwaukee
Jenkins has said he’s going to move to right field so that C. Lee can hang out by the TGI Friday’s in left in Miller Park, where fans are encouraged to throw chicken wing bones at him and yell “F@#$ you and the caballo you rode in on! Where’s Podsednik!”
2. Jock (Jacque) Jones, Minnesota
Apparently the Cubs have called the Twins…again, about a trade, this one would be Farns and Kelton for Jock, and like always it makes no sense to trade for this guy who is basically and older, slower Corey Patterson.
3. Cliff Floyd, NY (N)
The Cubs aren’t interested in Clifford “The Big Red Doggin’ It” anymore because he’s owed $13 million over the next two years and they’re paying Sammy almost that much to not play for them, they don’t need to pay Cliff that much to sit on the DL.
4. Termel Sledge (Was.)
Nothing like replacing an alleged steroid user with a guy who actually got caught using them.
5. Juan Pierre (Fla.)
He’s too afraid of the ivory, and something tells me that with the Delgado acquisition they kinda want to win a pennant this year.
6. Austin Kearns
Supposedly, Hendry called about Kearns and the Reds said they wanted Carlos Zambrano which caused Hendry to fall down the stairs into his basement again. But the Reds are going to move Kearns or Wily Mo or Dunn before spring training ends and they need pitching.
7. Luis Gonzalez’s surgically repaired elbow (AZ)
Hey, remember when he hit 50 homers. Yeah, that was crazy. And yet, Sammy takes crap for being juiced up? Wha?
8. Milton Bradley (LA)
It’s perfect, if he throws water on the bleacher fans he can pretend he’s just trying to cool them off!
9. Rob Macowiak (PIT)
Chip Caray says he can only hit on days his wife is having babies. And why was Chip being interviewed extensively on Chicago radio this weekend? Doesn’t one radio host have the stones to call him up, get him on the air and then say, “Hey, we didn’t care what you thought when you were here. Go screw off you monoeyebrowed bastard!”
10. Bo Jackson
Like Maggs he knows Necrosis isn’t when you sleep with a corpse.
11. Bo Hart
Gritty, gutty little guy will be battling Gruddy for LaRussa whipping boy status.
12. George Bell
Too busy using the suction cup on a stick while changing the gas price at his filling station.
13. Jeff George
Says he could be a positive influence on Chad Hutchinson’s brother in law.
14. Homer Bush
You can never have enough banjo hittin’ middle infielders.
15. Jenna Bush
If only.
16. Alan Keyes
Still crazy. Sister’s still gay.
17. Tyrone Keys
The Cubs haven’t had a decent pass rush in decades.
“13. Jeff George
Says he could be a positive influence on Chad Hutchinson’s brother in law.”
Seriously, Todd Walker’s pissing me off. Can this guy just say no, once in a while, to an interview request? He’s like a good Bobby Hill. He’s obviously a prick–he still can’t stop obsessing about Chip and Stoney, let alone Tom Kelley, for whom he last played in…2000. Why does this prick feel the need to bare his red ass to very stinkin’ microphone?
Todd: Just Say No. Shut your punk ass up and just play ball.
Uh, that’s Alan Keyes’ daughter that’s gay.
Two more names:
Lew Ford
Eric Byrnes
I managed to mis-type daughter. Guh.
“I managed to mis-type daughter. Guh. ”
Andy,
Just pull a Brian “don’t call me Eric Blair” Crozier and go back and erase it.
Mis-type.
As in an error in your typing or an error in her “type”?
Somehow, I can’t see the Reds trading with the Cubs.
J. Burnitz, Col
I think we’ve already done this one.
H. Matsui, NYY
There’s only Matt Suhey in Chicago, and he’s not a Moe Howard look-a-like. Besides, the Yankees need more OFers, not fewer.
M. Cameron, NYM
The Mets want to trade him, but his value is as a defensive whiz of a centerfielder, and the Cubs already have one of those. Unless your goal is to move Corey to right and have two swing at everything CFers in the lineup at the same time.
B. Abreu, Phi
He’s like one of six smart things the Phillies have done in the last eight years. They won’t give him up. It’s too bad because he’s a stud.
A. Jones, Atl
The Braves outfield currently consists of DeWayne Wise, Raul Mondesi and Druw. Would you trade him to get Brian Jordan into your lineup? I didn’t think so.
C. Wilson, Pit
Looks like Kerry Wood with a woman’s wig. Plays right field like he needs a map, but can hit. Pissburgh does love to give us useful players. Worth a phone call.
G. Jenkins, Mil
He’s Burnitz with more hair and six years younger.
W. Pena, Cin
True story, every time I play MVP Baseball against the Reds, Wily plays a flyball into a triple. Who says it’s not realistic? The Reds seem hell bent on trading Kearns, I say we ride that hellbender.
J. Bay, Pit
He’s already been on three teams in four years. Plus, he’s Jason Dubois.
J. Jones, Min
Already covered this.
P. Burrell, Phi
I was interested when his acquisition meant that Heather Mitts would come to town. Now? Whatever. He’s got great power and showed something by coming back from a hellacious season.
V. Wells, Tor
The Jays say they don’t want to trade him, but I’d give them a lot. A lot. Like here’s a list of the farm system…go shopping JP.
J. Cruz Jr., TB
Has only hit better than .250 twice in his career. Last year posted a .333 on base average. He’s an outstanding defensive outfielder. He was too young to stick with the Giants but should go back in about seven years.
K. Griffey Jr., Cin
The only way the Cubs would have been interested was in a Sammy salary dump. No thanks. He’s old, beat up and grumpy.
L. Ford, Min
Outstanding. Gets on base, fast, decent power, good defense, spells his first name like he’s a black guy. What’s not to like?
E. Byrnes, Oak
He’s crazy. He’d kill himself playing in front of the bricks and ivy out there. Looks like a cross between Luke and Owen Wilson. He’s available, maybe for The Farns.
Lew Ford would rock. I’d take my chances with an OF of Dubois, Patterson and Ford and not look back. These guys could be the Three Horsemen. Or something. If you have an OF consisting of a guy with a French name that doesn’t pronounce it in French; a midget CF with a girl’s first name that likes to screw fat media personalities; and a whitebread homeboy with a ghetto pimp’s name, well, that’s called a pennant winner friends.
To complete our screwed up OF, we could bring back “Candy” Maldonado and “Tarzan” Joe Wallis. That just screams B-level porn flick, doesn’t it? With a cameo from Coco Crisp, of course.
Did someone say B-level porn flick?
Papa,
Let’s bring in NIU alum Fritz Peterson for some long relief while we’re at it.
Andy,
I liked your reviews to replace the Gladiator. Your comments were very entertaining. Let’s just cross our fingers and hope the Cubs don’t follow in their normal footsteps and do the dumbass thing(like signing Burnitz for a cheap price instead of spending just a little more to get somebody that is good and not washed up) for regular people but seem like a great idea to them.
Hendry has made some outstanding moves in the past and let’s hope he has another up his sleeve.
Is that you, Steph? Go away please.
Let’s get Mike D. a column!
Ever since he clinked a “Cheers!” with Andy at the Geek Convention, he is omnipresent. Thankfully, he chimes in with a thought bubble at the drop of a hat. Without his commentating, I wouldn’t know what to think about anything.
Keep it up, Mike D.!
Yeah Mike D., what the hell, you left 3 comments on this article, let someone else have a turn.
“Ever since he clinked a “Cheers!†with Andy at the Geek Convention, he is omnipresent.”
Yeah, we never saw Mike around here before that.
But the bon homme toast he shared seems to have embiggened this most cromulent of men…
“Ever since he clinked a “Cheers!†with Andy at the Geek Convention, he is omnipresent.”
What, are you new here? I’ve wasted plenty of time on this site long before I threw back a dozen Harps with Andy, but thanks for your commentary, you anonymous genetic mishap.
Does your mom know you use her computer to hang around here?
And, um, I don’t know if you’re attempting to insult me behind your security of anonymity, but I hope you understand that the definition of “cromulent” would be “fine, acceptable”
And if you’re complimenting me? Not sure how I feel about being complimented by some assclown typing with one hand and his sweatpants around his ankles.
Worst. Anonymous Flamer. Ever.
Burnitz at 4-6 mil is not cromulent.
Like the tool you are, you take the bait, Mike D.
Glad to see you revert to form whenever receiving pushback. It’s right up there with your CubsTalk war where your witty message board posting included trading flames along the lines of “No, YOU’RE gay!” Bra-vo.
Bloody your nose and you come blasting over the top as usual, throwing out the wicked cutdowns about moms, masturbating, and word definitions. Please. Stop. No. Yawn. But the coup d’gras is always your damning, arm-waving charge of (cue scary music) ANONYMOUS POSTING! (dum dum DUMMMM!)
Posting here with a first name and last initial is much better, no? I guess running a website with some blather and minimalistic updating gets me to know you even more. And that proves what? Having a name just changes everything, doesn’t it? Well, call me Eff U.
“Embiggens” and “cromulent” are references that CT would get. Let him explain it to you.
And I understand you aren’t new here, or at the Message Board, or at the old Desipio site… You are like a bad penny turning up everywhere. Save it. Save your flames. Save your eye rolling. Save your breath. But, above all, save your breath. For once.
“Not sure how I feel about being complimented by some assclown typing with one hand and his sweatpants around his ankles.”
Probably feels the same as Andy trying to put the moves on Sharon Panazzo at Kitty O’Shea’s, only to have you, a guy that obsessively visits his website, there as a fifth wheel queering the deal.
Emphasis on queering.
Clap.
Clap.
Clap.
Boy that smarts.
Really.
Yeah, it’s up there with your caustic putdowns. It took me 40 minutes to get up off the floor after you waylaid me.
I am just curious: Which one is you and which is Oleg? Are you the Bartman-looking putz with the Wood jersey and backpack, or the sawed-off runt who giggles a lot?
http://nadablog.com/94yac/video/olegmike.avi
At least you aren’t anonymous behind a Mike D. handle anymore. Because geeking out in front of the Harry Caray statue with your friends is a great identity for a 33-year-old.
I’m the Bartman dude.
You want a date?
Rue the day?
Who talks like that?
Some folks call it a home run… I call it a homer…
I reckon i’m gonna knock the ball outta the park… unnh hunnh
DuBois: “How does a fella go about calling his agent?”
Baker: “What are you doing with that bat?”
DuBois: “I aim to hit homers with it.”
Baker: “Well, to call your agent, you use a phone.”
DuBois: “Which numbers do you put in?”
Baker: “Dial S-I-T-D-O-W-N. Tell him to send a ‘hearst’ since your career is dead on my watch.”
Sorry feller, I reckon I made a similar joke on another page. But I didn’t see yers first. It was a good deal a’ fun.
Ain’t no bother to me, I reckon, unh huh. I figgered ye done had a mite spell of funny in yeh, too. Not funny queer, funny ‘ha-ha.’
How ’bout you -n- me share us some potted meat an’ french fried taters?
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