Magglio has a lot of incentive to play for the Cubs...and apparently only one leg.I wouldn’t even allow myself to imagine the mess that will occur if somehow the Sammy Sosa trade falls through. Don’t even think about what spring training would be like then. It’d make Chernobyl look like somebody spilled grape juice on the carpet.

So with Sammy planning on jetting up to Baltimore to get some crabs and take a physical tomorrow and one of the Orioles’ prospects not able to take his until Wednesday (by the way, why are the Cubs even giving the Orioles’ players physicals? If one of them had developed leprosy over the offseason, they’re not going to put the trade at risk), it’s going to be a few days before the hostage crisis finally ends.

A thoughtful, intellectual Web site would take the next couple days to reflect. To reflect on what this trade means, not just to the Cubs or the Orioles but to society in general. What does it say about “us”? Hmm?

Ahh, screw that. Sammy’s gone. So let’s figure out how to replace him!

There are so many candidates to fill the Cubs two remaining outfield spots that it looks like the 2008 Iowa Caucus has started early.

Let’s start with the in-house guys, including, for the same of argument one of the guys Sammy was traded for, Jerry Hairston, Jr.

Jerry Hairston The LesserJerry Hairston, Jr. Jerry’s 28, enjoys playing second base and breaking his foot. He hit .303 with a .378 on base average last year in half a healthy season for the Orioles and he had a bone removed from his foot (the talus) so that wouldn’t break it anymore. That’s…uh…comforting?

There has been some speculation that Jerry’s stay in Chicago will be brief and that he’s on his way to Tampa Bay in another trade, but most likely he’ll become a Tony Phillips like player for the Cubs, except without the cocaine abuse and physical assaults on fans–meaning he will lead off most days and play either second or left or even give Corey a day off in center once and a while.

Jerry’s dad was on the Sox when Sammy first came to them. Yikes.

Some folks calls it a keyser blade...Jason Dubois Dubois has nothing left to prove in the minors, having hit 30 homers or more each of the last three years and looking every bit like a Dave Kelton who can hit. Most troubling is that he sounds just like Billy Bob Thornton in Sling Blade when he talks. It’s scary, really.

There’s no doubt that Dubois should have a spot in the ’05 roster, but should he be handed a starting spot? Hey, like Dusty says, “We’re in the earn it business, not the give it business.” Unless you’re Gary Matthews and then you get to keep your job even though you’re a complete dope. Hey, how much of that was out loud?

Shin guard?  Huh?  Nah.Todd Hollandsworth Last seen writhing in pain and using his bat as a cane as he tried to stand up. That’s never a good sign. Yesterday, Steve Stone said that Hollandsworth has “all the tools to be a star, he just needs to stay healthy.” That’s kind of like saying that Karen Carpenter would have had a long career had she learned to keep down a sandwich.

There’s a reason the Cubs are trying to find a guy to push Hollandsworth to the bench. He can pinch hit like nobody’s business and the more he plays the closer he is to another stint on the gimp list.

Now the outside candidates.

My goatee needs some major work.Aubrey Huff Now why would Tampa Bay want to part with a 28 year old who is a career .295 hitter with power, an ability to get on base and who can play first, third, left and right? Well, here’s the thing, nobody’s really sure they want to. But, these are the same Devil Rays who thought bringing Fred McGriff in twice was a good idea and who managed to get the worst year out of Vinny Castilla’s career. There is only one problem with Aubrey Huff the baseball player. He plays the outfield like the object is to get as far away from the ball as possible then pick it up when it stops rolling. You don’t want him in right field, but in left? Hell, anybody can play left. Moises Alou played it while sitting in an easy chair for three years. Huff has two years remaining on a contract he signed before last season, and you have to figure any deal for Huff will include The Farns and probably either or both of Sergio Mitre and Jason Dubois. Where do I sign?

Ultra sound's not just for the ladies!Magglio Ordonez The most intriguing name on this list is that of Magglio “Peggy” Ordonez. Peggy is the best and most proven of the lot, though Huff’s lefty stick certainly is tempting. However, there’s the big question mark with Magglio and that’s “Will he have to have his left leg amputated?” Look, prostheses on your radio analysts are charming, on your right fielder? Not so much.

So if he’s not healthy, there’s no reason to consider him, however, if he is healthy, the Cubs are going to be a major player in where he ends up. Everybody knows that Detroit offered Ordonez a five-year, $55 million deal, just like the one that landed his fellow Scott Boras client with the Dodgers last month. So why didn’t Peggy jump to sign it? Well, maybe he can’t jump. Oh, wait, this is the part where we assume he’s healthy, sorry.

The Tigers are dumb, but not stupid. Their offer is a two-year deal that automatically becomes a five year deal if Magglio is healthy enough to play in a certain number of games. In his mind, he might as well just sign a two-year deal because if he proves to be healthy, he a) won’t have to play in Detroit in 2007, 2008 and 2009 and b) will be able to command more cash because if healthy, he’s a stud. So in Peggy’s mind, it’s a two year deal with a three-year prison sentence at the end. He’d rather just sign for two-years with somebody else, and he wants that to be the Cubs. He wants to stick it to the Sox and he doesn’t want to have to move. It’s perfect.

But if you’re the Cubs, can you sign a guy to play right and worry that he won’t be able to play in 120 games? That’s where the incentives come in. Say Ordonez signs for a base salary of $6 million bucks with incentives that, if he’s the old Magglio, mean he could earn up to $11 million? If his leg snaps, you’re out $6 million and you need to trade for a new right fielder. But if the alternative is paying $5 million to a bona fide stiff like…(the next guy on the list)…it seems more prudent to gamble on a guy who might be great again, like Ordonez.

Jer-o-my, as in 0-5 with four K's.Jeromy Burnitz Remember when the rumors were floating around that the Cubs were going to sign Tony Womack? Yeah, those rumors were apparently floated to pressure Todd Walker into making a decision about coming back (it didn’t work because Todd waited until his arbitration deadline anyway) and I’m hoping that rumors of the Cubs’ interest in Burnitz are just as erroneous.

I had season tickets in Miller Park during his final year there in 2001. He had a good year, he only hit .251 but he hit 34 homers and drove in 100 runs. He also played an excellent right field. He’s smart, he gets good jumps on balls and has a rocket arm. He struck out 150 times that year, which is bad, but at least he walked 80 times. But since then, he hasn’t come close to drawing 80 walks in a season. He struggled in New York with the Mets in 2002, but then came back to put up decent numbers in 2003 with them (.274 average 18 homers, 45 RBI in 65 games) before getting traded to the Dodgers. Last year he put up strong, Coors-fueled numbers of .283, 37 homers and 110 RBI playing in Denver.

In his defense, people look at his home and road splits and say, “See, he can’t hit on the road!” However, over the 10 year history of Coors Field, it has proven to depress every Rockies’ road splits, no matter how bad (Darryl Hamilton) or how good (Larry Walker) they were. It’s believed that hitting at Coors is a disadvantage for any player when they go on the road because the ball reacts to much differently at sea level. Guys like Dante Bichette and Vinny Castilla, who seemed to be at the end of their productive careers have left Colorado and actually enjoyed surprising rebound years (Bichette in Cincinnati and Boston in 2000 — and Vinny after a horrid year and a half in Tampa).

Most Cubs fans won’t mind picking up Burnitz, if it’s in conjunction with a move for somebody like Peggy or Aubrey. But if the opening day outfield is Hairston, Corey and Jeromy? You’re going to be able to hear the hand wringing for hundreds of miles.

My season tickets that year in Milwaukee were in the field bleachers (great seats, $10 by the way) right behind Jeromy. My fondest memories of his time there was him gunning down Derek Bell trying to go first to third a single to left by…40 feet, and the way he treated the Brewers employee who used to come out warm Jeromy up at the top of every inning.

The centerfielder (Jeffrey Hammonds or Alex Sanchez) always played catch with Geoff Jenkins in left, so the Brewers would send out a college-aged girl, a member of what they called then, the “Superteam”, now they’re the “Brew Crew”. Now these were never perky, cute college girls, these were manly, softball playing girls. Jeromy was always very nice to them, he’d patiently wait for them to jog out and he’d smile at them and then he’d throw the ball at them at about 140 miles an hour, every time. You could literally see some of them wince as the ball smacked their glove. I had a roommate in college who you hated to play catch with because he claimed he had to throw the ball as hard as he could every time or he didn’t have any control of there it was going. I think he was just being a prick. But maybe Jeromy was the same way? On any level, it was funny as hell.