OK, I have my “forumulaicly witty Super Bowl preview column template” out and let’s get to the hilarity! Oh boy is this going to be great.
Make joke pretending that nobody knows the Super Bowl is Sunday
Hey, if you haven’t heard, there’s a big football game on Sunday! It’s not like there’s any hype or anything (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). It’s been so cold in Jacksonville that Chris Berman has been wearing his toupee in his pants!
Make obligatory Chris Berman joke about his hair, his ill-fitting clothing, etc.
Damnit! I got ahead of myself. OK, how about a Stu Scott joke instead? It’s been so cold in Jacksonville that Stu is keeping one eye on the thermometer at all times! See, he’s got a lazy eye, which was the result of him being hit in the face with a football at Jets training camp when he was doing some cheesy “look what an athlete I am!” piece a few years ago. Apparently, being an athlete doesn’t involve catching footballs fired at you in the receiver’s line from a Juggs machine.
Remember to take the time to explain your cheesy jokes to the readers, they love that. Moran.
OK, screw this.
Am I the only one who just doesn’t care about the Super Bowl? Of course I’m going to watch it, because it’s apparently part of our US citizenship agreement. I know a guy who got deported because he didn’t watch the Super Bowl two years ago.
He also had a balloon filled with heroin shoved up his rectum, but I’m pretty sure it was the non-Super Bowl watching that got him sent away.
Anyway, the last I checked the line had moved to New England -7. But I’m not going to be one of about 1,457 people who write about whether to take the Eagles and the points or the Pats. You want to know why? Because most of the gambling that’s really done on Super Bowl Sunday includes blindly writing your name on a piece of paper with a bunch of blank squares on it.
So I’ll give you something more valuable. Buy four squares and just go for the corners. It doesn’t matter! It’s all chance, you dopes.
If you’re forced to bet money on the game and the outcome, I’ll just give you this advice. That big laminated sheet of paper that Bill Belichick is looking at is filled with offensive and defensive sets. The one that Andy Reid is looking at includes which entrees come with soup, salad and a choice of potato.
So there.
Today’s Sun-Times includes an article where “staffers” (which apparently means the people they pay to annoy us on a daily basis not named Telander or Mariotti) give their fond rembrances of Sammy Sosa.
Toni Ginetti writes about the time she tried to get Sammy to adopt her. Shudder.
Mike Kiley writes about the first time Sammy let him give him a backrub in the Wrigley sauna.
Ron Rappaport writes about some crazy Aussy he met in the bleachers and how he owes it all to Sammy. That’s right Ron, because without Sammy, the Cubs would not have scheduled a game that day or sold tickets for it.
And Carol Slezak writes about that day early last season when she and Sammy shot a Sox fan just outside of the ballpark.
She’s still mad that Sammy got blood splatter on the leather seats of her Jetta. Oh, how she’ll miss him.
I think we’re all going to miss different things about Sammy. The fans who sit in the first few rows of the right field bleachers will miss his cheesy, but somehow cool, sprint to right to start the game. Fans a few rows back will miss actually knowing who the rightfielder is. But then again, their cellphone never stops ringing, so what do they care? Half of them aren’t facing the field in the first place.
Both the Wizard of Roz and Ed Sherman have columns today about how Steve Stone will handle his criticisms and praises of the Cubs now that he’s signed a deal with the Score. Rozner’s column has a much stronger finish than Sherman’s. Much stronger. Brilliant, actually.
It’s interesting. Stone certainly was critical of Cubs’ players, management and the managers during his more than 20 years in the broadcast booth. He was subtler about it than most, and certainly was out of character when he went on that “woe is me, my annoying assclown friend Chip Caray is leaving” rant that started out during the postgame of the horrific September 30 loss to the Reds and spilled over into that night’s Sports Central. But anytime he says anything negative about the Cubs, and especially Dusty, in 2005 people are going to think he’s taking cheap shots at them. If he says nice things, people are going to think he’s a pom pom waving Cubby apologist. But you know what? Steve doesn’t care what those simpleminded dopes think. And by June the hyperanalysis of his commentary will pass.
I just feel bad that he’s got to actually talk to Mike North, Rick Telander and Mike Murphy three times a week.
In the meantime, is it too much to ask that Chicago radio stations stop calling Chip Caray for analysis of the Cubs? Nobody cared what he had to say when he had a direct relationship to the team, we’re supposed to care now? Besides, spring training’s almost here and Chip has to step up his prepartory process for the season which includes shaving his eyebrow into halves to give his forehead a humanlike appearance and trying to mentally prepare himself for the first time Bobby Cox calls up to Skip in the TBS booth before a game to remind him that “kids are not allowed on the field before games.”
Starting on February 10 Comcast Sports Net is going to start televising a whole mess of White Sox spring training games. They’ll be on live during the day and then unless there’s a Bulls’ game that night, they’ll be replayed in prime time. Look, I’ll watch any spring training baseball, because I’m, as you all know, a baseball dope, but how about mixing in a few Cubs games? I’m sure Len Kasper and Bob Brenly would just love to work an extra 20 games like Hawk and DJ are going to. Wait, I think I just answered my own question. Never mind.
The best thing about watching the Sox on TV is that there’s always another team to root for. Whoever they’re playing.
Dave van Dyck wastes everybody’s time, especially his, in comparing the Cubs and Sox position-by-position. Somewhere, Phil Rogers is curled up on the couch, snuggling with his Roger and Andy Clettitte bobblehead dolls and wondering why he didn’t get this ace assignment.
KC Johnson seldom writes a bad article, but any time you interview Charles Oakley…well, you shouldn’t have bothered.
Seabiscuit’s Jockey says you can’t win a World Series without a proven closer. He then goes on to list the closers who’ve been on World Series winners since 1995 and includes such luminarious flame outs as Mark “Where’s the strike zone” Wohler, John “Where’s my bible” Wetteland, Ugy “Where’s my mom” Urbina and Keith “I’d still be in Chicago if Jerry Manuel wasn’t the dumbest man in the world” Foulke. I’m convinced!
By the way, yes, I do know how mean that Urbina joke was, and yes I think it’s OK because he kissed Pudge Rodriguez on purpose.
Pierre Pierce says it was all just a big misunderstanding. See you at the NAIA tournament next year, Pierre! Maybe Alford will be your coach there, too.
Nick “Chainsaw” Smith is much wittier this year. And much worse.
The Big Ten is collapsing around Illinois.
Herb Gould on…the same thing.
Mariotti puts down the doughnut to try and justify his trip to Jacksonville with a positively uninformative look at Bill Belichick.
Mike Kiley’s depression over losing his job as Sammy’s lap dog lifted long enough for him to write about The Farns.
Meet the Mets! Meet the Mets! Pay big and watch us finish in third place! Maybe fourth!
Amid concerns their bullpen sucks, but not quite enough, the Yankees are looking to bring back Ramiro Mendoza.
Despite the Sammy Sosa trade, the Reds are in no hurry to name a captain (huh?) and they’re not going to trade an outfielder because they know that Ken Griffey, Jr. is made out of paper mache.
Laura Vecsey must have just found out that Tim Hudson’s a Brave, huh?
The world’s greatest newspaper with PROOF that beer makes you smarter.
Lemme tell you sumthin’, Mean Andy: I like the Eagles in this Super Bowl match-up. The underdog can never be counted out because he has the desire. I have felled countless foes who came after me for my World Title, and it always looked like I was going to be staring at the lights with my shoulders pinned down for the three count. But, brutha, you just can’t give up on a guy just because he got Super Splashed and Avalanched the week before the Main Event, leaving his ribs paste. No, I Hulked up and fed off the awesome power of the Hulkamaniacs to overcome the odds and defend my title.
When I bodyslammed the 700+ pound, 7’8″ Eighth Wonder of the World, Andre the Giant, and beat up his manager, Bobby the Weasel Heenan, I showed everyone that training, saying your prayers, and eating your vitamins is enough if you have the crowd behind you. Even getting repeatedly punched in the head by the 800+ pound evil Andre the Giant couldn’t stop me from lifting up his 900+ pound frame with my 24″ pythons and slamming him down to HELL.
The Eagles are just like me: They are being cast aside because the other dude is bigger and scarier. Well, lemme tell you sumthin’, Brady, WHATCHA GONNA DO? When the Eagles run wild on you? (Hold muscle pose)
Hulk Hogan is the best thing to happen to Desipio since BC stopped writing.
Wha…You mean he still writes? So, I’ve just been not reading them….Brilliant!
“Somewhere along the line, Nick [Smith] is going to win a game or be big in a game,” [Bruce] Weber said. “At least I’ll keep telling myself that.”
Nice.
Screw Dusty. Finally somebody telling it how it is. What a whiny littly punk @!!!.
http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/3374440
No. 1, if you’re not the real Hulk Hogan, you’ve sure done your homework.
“You need a closer big time. Where would the Dodgers be without [Eric] Gagne?”
That must be the Eric Gagne who got Tommy john disease trying to show off all of his World Series rings, right?
Now THAT’S a good read.
And to think it’s free.
And that Mariotti gets paid to write crap.
Anyone (21) notice (21) how many (21) years (21) that Stoney (21) had worked for (21) the Cubs? It’s not like (21) it was obvious (21) in the Trib story (21) this morning.
Sullivan lists Rod Beck as one of the guys who fell short? Beck saved 51 games in 1998! He had a bad 1999, but that was likely due to the fact that his arm was shot.
Hey, that’s Sosa’s number!
Sosa’s number is “up.”
I have here in my possession a copy of the Cub’s organization’s phone list which includes the fax number for the home and visitor club houses as well as the number for the broadcasting booth, press box, andy mcphail’s number and much, much, more. It was not passed on to me by Kent Mercker.
I have a nice bowl of clam chowder in my possession. I win.
Andy, hurry up with that 2/7 Daily Dose — poor Mike D. doesn’t have anything to do.
Minus a Dose to post in, he’ll have to resort to witty “these are some funny posts!” postings about other posts. Can’t get enough of those…
Boy, Commentating is nuts.
The reason we took so long running plays late in the 4th quarter was because I couldn’t decide how I wanted my potato.
Potato? Wasn’t that a potato coaching the Eagles? Sure was lumpy enough.
I resent that inference; I’D do a better job of clock management.
That would be “Mister Potato HEAD”
Maybe his name WAS “Mister Potato.”
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