ESPN.com has been passing the time between the final out of the World Series and opening day with a little series they have creatively titled “Hot Stove Heaters.” In the past they have taken the time to do an in-depth preview of each Major League team and they still might do that, but so far they’ve been writing fascinating articles about which players in baseball do which specialty the best.
By fascinating I mean tedious and by specialty I mean “overrated facet.”
For example, they’ve done Best Pickoff Move, Best Outfield Arm, Most Accurate Outfield Arm and many more.
What you didn’t know is that it didn’t have to be this way. They came to me to write this series, but apparently weren’t happy with the results. So, here’s what the Hot Stove Heaters would have looked like.
Most obnoxious manager
Tony LaRussa, Cardinals — If you allowed other managers to vote, Tony LaRussa would get 35 of a possible 29 votes. He’s had plenty of success in his big league career, unfortunately, he’s out to prove that he’s the reason why. You and I both know that the teams with the best players usually win. Even the best manager is probably only good for three more wins than a bad one, but LaRussa has learned that the more moves you make, the more will work.
This is a guy who batted the pitcher eighth for half a season. Even though it defied the basic reasoning that the higher you bat in the order, the more at bats you’ll get. He was, in essence increasing the number of at bats during the season that his poorest hitter (the pitcher) would get. Instead, what he should have done was bat his best hitter, regardless of position, speed, or whatever first, then the second best hitter second and so on. That’s a defensible move. The defense is that the leadoff man will bat more than the second guy, the second guy will hit more than the third and so on, so why not bat the best player in the spot where he’ll get the most at bats.
Juding by that, last year’s Cardinals should have had a batting order of 1) Albert Pujols, 2) Scott Rolen, 3) Lassie Edmonds, 4) Edgar Renteria, 5) Larry Walker, 6) Reggie Sanders, 7) Tony Womack, 8 ) the pitcher and 9) Mike Matheny.
Oh, wait…
Bullpen entrance most likely to excite the home crowd
We’ve all seen Dodger Stadium go nuts when Eric Gagne comes trotting in with his big goggles on and a huge “Game Over” sign flashing on the scoreboard, but he’s not the answer. Neither is Trevor Hoffman’s entrance to “Hell’s Bells” or Mariano Rivera’s entrance to “Enter Sandman.” Nope, the entrance most likely to fire up the home crowd is any road game that Felix Heredia is pitching in. Not only do the fans love it, but the home team’s players have a literal fight at the bat rack hoping to get up and take their hacks at a man affectionately known at baseballprimer.com as “The Run Fairy.”
Most annoying pre at bat routine
Is it Sammy Sosa tapping the umpire and the catcher on the Achilles’ with his bat? No. Is it Nomar Garciappara’s Rain Man batting glove adjustment after each pitch? No. Is it Jeff Bagwell’s “I’m squatting to take a crap and won’t get any on the backs of my pants” move? No. The most annoying pre at bat routine is Gabor Bako’s. Even though he won’t make contact, he insists on swinging the weighted bat, putting pine tar on his bat, swinging it over his head and then getting into the box. He might as well bring a chair and a magazine, but he insists on acting like he might actually get some wood on the ball. It just wastes our time.
Biggest hat
Jason Schmidt of the Giants narrowly edged Magglio Ordonez (of the Tigers?) in this one. Schmidt wears a size 14, while Maggs only wears a 12. Incredibly, even though Jason Giambi and Barry Bonds have shot Human Growth Hormone directly into their butt cheeks, neither has been able to increase his head size enough to catch Schmidt. Astonishing.
Best pants
Baseball players are allowed to wear their pants at varying heights and degrees of tightness. Derek Bell’s pants used to fit so loosely that they literally looked like slacks on him. Kyle Farnsworth’s are so tight that if he passes gas while wearing them you can see the bubble work it’s way down his leg. But the winner is Lou Piniella of the Devil Rays. Every time he comes out of the dugout to make a pitching change he has to pull his pants up. These are pants that have both an elastic band AND a belt, and he can’t keep them up. He is in constant danger of dropping trow on the way to the mound, causing him to trip and kill himself on the Field Turf at Tropicana. You can’t beat that.
Most vivid ballpark smell
At Wrigley Field in Chicago the seats behind home plate are barely 50 feet behind the catcher, and on a calm day you can literally smell the fear of opposing hitters when they dig in to face Kerry Wood. Sometimes, if he’s especially erratic, the smell of fear will be accompanied by just the faintest smell of poop.
Another vivid smell is that of Busch Memorial Stadium in St. Louis. On a warm night, you know why we call it the Big Urinal Cake. Not good.
Fans who look the most like their favorite player
If you’ve ever been to a Sox game (and lived to tell about it) you’ve surely been impressed by the incredible number of fat broads who wear Paul Konerko’s #14 jersey. You will also notice that they tend to look a lot like the chubby Sox first baseman, too. Right down to the double chin and the five o’clock shadow.
Most overrated fans
Yankees fans are insipid and annoying, Red Sox fans still act like their World Championship was a Godsend and Dodger fans are too lazy to get to a game on time, but by far the fan base who gets the most credit for the least reason is the St. Louis Cardinals fanbase. Basically they just all wear red and they cheer everything. They clap more than Ray Charles in church. National baseball experts claim the Cardinals fans are terrific because they appreciate good baseball. Hey, these are people who make signs to express their love of Bo Hart…that ain’t good baseball. These people cheered Steve Kline and Crazy Julian Tavarez. That ain’t good baseball. They loved Garry Templeton even though he used to kneel down before games and snort the chalk lines. They still bemoan trading Keith Hernandez even though his move to New York made it more convienient for him to testify in a cocaine distribution trial. They think Sammy Sosa was on steroids while casting a blind eye to their incredibly shrinking first base hero.
In short, they’re just as dumb as any other fan base, they just have nothing else to do in St. Louis. I mean, how many times can you get drunk and ride the basket to the top of the Arch before throwing up on yourself gets old?
The answer, surprisingly is four times.
Most exciting baserunner
Moises Alou, Giants — Moises is the best bad baserunner ever. Impossible? Consider that Alou advanced to second base last year 186 times and scored 106 runs. He was doubled off of second six times, and doubled off of third twice. He was thrown out at home plate seven times, including three on outfield assists. He was not however caught stealing, not one time. In fact, since 2001 Moises is 19 for 21 in stolen base attempts. He’s slow, so he cheats off of second base. He knows he can’t score from second on most singles if he waits to judge where the ball will land, so he just takes off. He’s like a seven year old on a t-ball team. Moises just runs until he’s tagged out or he scores. Unfortunately, he’s usually just out.
Manager most likely to die during a game
Jack McKeon would seem to be the favorite here, and Felipe Alou can’t be far behind. Their combined age is death minus two. But surpringly the answer is Pittsburgh Pirates manager Lloyd McClendon. Doctors at Johns Hopkins did a study that put the chances of Lloyd’s head literally exploding in the dugout while watching Josh Fogg pitch at 74 percent. Who knew?
Worst home run trot
Who doesn’t get tired of watching Albert Pujols stand at home plate like he’s waiting for a bus and then circling first base so wide that he can grab a cup of Gatorade on his way past? But Albert doesn’t win this. Neither does Sammy Sosa for his home run hop, which is accurate about 14 percent of the time these days. No, the most annoying home run trot is that of Milton Bradley of the Dodgers, who takes the time to undo the velcro on his gloves while still at home plate. I’d like to see him try and remove a ball from his forehead during the next at bat.
Best home run trot
E-ramis Ramirez of the Cubs has a cool one. He always finishes his swing with his bat extended just in front of his face, so he simply tosses the bat straight up and runs away from it. But the coolest home run trot is that of his teammate, Carlos Zambrano who has homered from both the right and left sides of the plate in his career and who has hit three homers in the past two seasons. Carlos circles the bases in about 11 seconds and screams obscenities the whole time. What’s not to like about that?
Player most likely to sodomize a teammate
Lassie Edmonds. Not appropriate. True, but not appropriate.
Player most likely to have put a fire out with his face
Astronauts have gotten the lunar rover stuck in divots smaller than those on Crazy Julian’s face.
Player most likely to stuff Chip Caray in a trash can
This just has Raul Mondesi written all over it, doesn’t it? If it’s not him, then I know a red-assed manager who might just fungo Chip to death.
Hey, we can hope.
You didn’t even mention Kevin Mench in you biggest hat section..Have you seen this guys melon? How can you miss it?
i rarely laugh out loud while reading anything. thank you.
Will
Carlos swears the entire time during his trot around the bases? Cool, I’ll have to try that! I’ll get about 40 chances to work out the kinks during the season. C-ya.
Pure gold!!
Now I know why I log in every week day
you can hear that? #%@^#
I don’t know what his hat size is, but C.C. Sabathia should get some mention if solely for his misshapen head that makes him unable to fit a hat on properly. C.C. ain’t goin’ for style with his crooked cap, that’s the way his skull is contoured!
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Oh sweet Jesus! The Carlos homerun trot had me laughing out loud. Good job, Andy!
This had me laughing out loud…Yeah, Mench’s head is so big…
(how big is it?)
His head is so big he dreams in widescreen…
Mench’s head is so big…
(how big is it?)
…his head is so big he has to step into his shirts…
Mench’s head is so big …
(how big is it?)
Dude, Mench’s head is REALLY big!
Lemme tell you sumpthin’ brutha: Nobody’s head was bigger than Andre the Giant’s head. He was 7’9″ tall and weighed over 600 pounds. All the Hulkamaniacs tell me wherever I go, “Hulkster, brutha, how big was the Eighth Wonder of the World’s head?” And I would say, “Little dudes, that evil giant’s head was so big I couldn’t decide whether to stick my thumb and two middle fingers into his mouth and nostrils like a bowling ball, or just slam his head into the turnbuckle 10 times as the crowd chanted along.”
Andre used to make me so mad when he would choke me out with his shoulder strap and I would twitch like a fish on the mat. When you twitch, that means you are really in pain. But all the cheers of the Hulkamaniacs would get me to Hulk up and I’d become impervious to punches. Feeding off the crowd, I’d shake my fists until I just couldn’t take any more beating and I’d get fed up and wave my finger with a wide-eyed “NOOOOOO!” to my opponent. Next thing that brutha knew, he was staring at the lights after I blasted him off the ropes with my legdrop.
No one ever got up from that.
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Where am I?
Aye-yi-yi! No me gusto! El es no bueno!
Que lastima!
See what happens when you post a picture of Tavarez?
My provider changed the address of the database and I’m trying to fix it without losing all of our old posts.
Hmmm, wait a minute, Andy.
Let’s think about this and not be so rash.
Losing all the old posts means losing stuff from Chuck, air2300, and carlosno1fan, right?
Do you really want to save that steaming pile?
how pissed off Zambrano would be with your ISP right now, Andy.
What caused such a catastrophe anyway?
And Thinker, don’t forget that ‘Big Mama’ post. That is the pinnacle of the steaming pile category.
would effing kill them in the time it takes me to home run trot. While swearing.
What a terrible day for all those that post during their work hours. I bet the entire work day has been an agony riddled experience without Desipio to crutch them along. Lots of pink slips and “I quit!”s flying around!
The playground has been reopened. Enjoy.
I’ve had to actually work! The horror!
Methinks this is part of Sloth’s double secret probation.
And it happens the week Dean Wormer dies.
Things that make you go, “Hmmm….” indeed!
95% of the fucking world’s working. The rest hang out at Desipio. Get a job you cocksuckers. Fuck you!!!
Hey no censors.
Nice.
Fuck you, Chuck!
I guess Korey changed his name to Running Amok. Well, Gail Fisher called you “Nuke,” Korey. You fuck like you swing. Kinda all over the place.
This post wins my Funniest Post of 2005 so far. Nice work.
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