If you’re wondering what it looks like when I have run out of ideas, well, here it is, kiddies. Today we’re going to take a look at the American League East and Central and figure out what their big questions are as they head into spring training next week. As our friend Kent Dorfman so eloquently said, “Oh, boy is this great!”
New York Yankees
Daddy, is Jason Giambi going to die?
Of course not Timmy. Well, actually he is going to die, and probably twenty years earlier than he would have had he not shot human growth hormone into his ass, but he won’t die this year. In fact, he might even hit 30 homers and then the Yankees fans can pretend they don’t hate him!
Who’s that old man in center field?
That used to be Bernie Williams. He used to be great. He plays the guitar. He’s slow now, and can’t throw the ball more than eight feet. Sort of like Sammy Sosa…with a guitar.
If Carl Pavano likes the Bronx so much, how come he broke up with Samanta Miceli?
He’s obviously gay.
Boston Red Sox
Now that the Sox have finally won what are Red Sox fans going to piss and moan about?
They might want to start with the fact that you can’t drive a car in their town without a shoehorn and the fact they’ve spent about $800 million a big hole. Oh, and the Celtics suck.
Who’s more annoying, Kevin Millar or Curt Schilling?
You would think that a pitcher with a Schilling-like cloying personality would be more annoying than a position player because the pitcher sits on the bench six days a week just babbling with nothing to do. So I’m going with Schilling, though if you gave Nomar a taser I’m sure he’d drive to Florida to greet Millar at spring training.
Bob Brenly’s supposedly the dumbest manager to ever win a World Series, but now Terry Francona has won one, so which is it?
My brain starts to explode just thinking about it. I’m still going with Brenly, because Francona had the sense not to use BK Kim.
Baltimore Orioles
When does Sammy’s act get old in Baltimore?
What time is it?
Did Sidney Ponson really get arrested for ‘menacing’ on a beach in Aruba?
He did, but it wasn’t for threatening to beat a guy up, it was for taking his shirt off.
Wait, who’s managing the Orioles now?
I’m pretty sure it’s Silvio Dante from the Sopranos. You can’t see the huge toupee with his hat on. In fact, he has a toupee he wears with his uniform that is just his sideburns and the hair on the back of his head sewn into his Orioles hat. Oh, it’s nice.
Toronto Blue Jays
How’s that Eric Hinske thing working out for them?
So well that they just signed Corey Koskie to play third. Hinske was great for about half a season. Just like every other Cubs prospect ever.
Do they still show people having sex in the SkyDome hotel on the jumbotron?
Not since the whole Mary Pierce-Robbie Alomar thing. Some people are still suffering partial blindness from that.
Tampa Bay Devil Rays
When are they going to give the Cubs Aubrey Huff?
Probably right after the Marlins fork over Mike Lowell.
Why did Lou Piniella ever agree to manage them?
Tampa’s the only team with an early-bird postgame buffet. If Lou doesn’t eat dinner by 4 p.m. he gets even crankier than usual.
Are they going to try a third Fred McGriff Era?
Only if he wears the mesh baseball hat and lines up kids in the outfield to throw baseballs into garbage cans.
Cleveland Indians
They tried to sign every free agent pitcher and ended up with Kevin Milwood, will he be able to advise the young pitchers they have like Cliff Lee and Jake Westbrook?
I hope he advises them not to let their agents screw up his free agency by pretending a team had offered him five years and $75 million.
When they signed Aaron Boone, they knew he really wasn’t very good, didn’t they?
I think they may have forgotten how lousy he was for the Yankees except for that homer that…you know…won the pennant. But yeah, he blows.
The Dolan Family owns the Indians. Can I have some tickets?
Yeah, we also own Cablevision and the Knicks and I’m still waiting for free cable and dinner for two with Whoopi Goldberg. I think maybe I was born into the wrong side of the family.
Minnesota Twins
They dumped Doug Eyechart and let Koskie and Cristian Guzman go, so is this finally the year the Sox beat them?
Uh…no. Because Justin Morneau is better than Eyechart could ever have dreamed, Guzman sucked and they get a full year of Joe Mauer.
How good is Johan Santana?
He’s good, but ten years from this will still be known as the Mark Prior era. Deal with it.
We hate the Vikings, so why do we like the Twins?
Because we hate the White Sox more.
Chicago White Sox
How hypocritical of Kenny Williams was it to let Magglio Ordonez walk because of his injury, but then replace him with Jermaine Dye, a guy who’s career has gone downhill since he broke his leg?
It’s Kenny Williams. It’s all about hypocritical.
Does Kenny know that Scott Podsednik stinks?
He’ll find out soon enough.
This Sox rotation could be good, but what’s the most likely outcome?
El Duque and Jose Contreras will be building a raft to go back to Cuba by July.
Kansas City Royals
Could they win the pennant?
I think they have an excellent chance in the Pacific Coast League. Wait, they’re not a AAA club? Could have fooled me.
I just looked at their roster, is Ivan DeJesus’ kid playing center field for them?
Not only that, but Buddy Biancalana’s daughter is playing left.
Who speaks less coherent English, Ozzie Guillen or Tony Pena?
Tim McCarver.
Detroit Tigers
What is that crackling noise?
Oh, Magglio must be jogging.
What is that smell?
It’s Detroit, silly.
Why are those men kissing?
It’s either a Tigers win, or Ugy found his mom, and she looks like Pudge Rodriguez.
Is Kent Dorfman any relation to Fred “the Dorf” Dorfman?
It was really a shame about his siphilous and his wife’s alcoholism.
Hug a cop!
Best. Baseball. Preview. Ever.
I shall immediately log onto my espn.com premium account and call out Misters Stark, Neyer, Caple, Crasnick and Gammons to express my disappointment at their inability to write such an in-depth analysis.
If ever a Mariotti column screamed for attention, today’s is the loudest. He agrees with the house cleaning that took place, implies that it didn’t go far enough, and then concludes that it shouldn’t have happened because the Cubs didn’t replace the players that they got rid of.
Andy,
Thanks for letting me use the following line yesterday:
“This Illinois “team” may be one of the exceptions because it appears as though Dee Brown won’t let them lose. “
I love the Podsednik deal.
I also love to get repeatedly punched in the face outside of Jimbos.
So you’re one of THOSE Dolans, eh? In that case, I predict this Web site is going to be huge. Dynamite! Like blog of the year in the Washington Post with real advertisers and everything! Andy will be able to quit his day job and just post all day with a reader ship of 18 million.
Heh, heh, heh! That’ll fix you, you pompous ass. ~PE
Pat Ewing? Why are you posting here and linking to a paper in Crawfordsville? No wonder you’re the biggest waste of an Indiana scholarship since Neil Reid. At least your dad has been known to hold a job.
My gf used to live in Crawfordsville, or as she calls it, “Crawfordtucky.”
If there’s an enlightened center of the universe I’m in the ville that’s farthest from it. Someone has to refrom these idiots. I’m on a mission from God. ~ PE
Aye. And _Andy_ is the pompous ass?
Forgot to add: this article is frickairn’ great.
Guys, come on. If you’d read the article you’d know that Andy said he was related to the Dolans who run the Knicks, which he’s clearly not. And Pat Ewing, which I’m clearly not said that the Knicks’ Dolan was a pompous ass, which he clearly is. And I don’t think Andy is a pompous ass, well not really, and clearly I like him a lot because I keep reading his site.
I don’t want to start a big to do here, just want to read and joke. It’s not about me, it’s a team thing. When I was the focal point of the team I got blamed for things I didn’t or couldn’t do. Now that I’m not the focal point I still get the blame. But I’m not going to sit here and point fingers because that’s never been my way. We lost as a team, it’s a team game. That’s sports. See you in 3 days. ~ Not really PE
Y’all gotta forgive my man Pat. He’s a good dude and all but he gets a little stirred up when he hasn’t taken his meds. I try to keep track of him as best I can but now with the internet it’s like he can be everywhere at once. He just goes into forums and pisses people off. Ruinin’ stuff! So dude, chill out and let him be him cause he really just wants to have fun and run some smack about the Cubs up in here. He know he got problems but he aight tho. So cut a brotha some slack once in a while if he be offendin’ y’all an’ shit. Aight? Cool. ~ JS
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