I realize that when I was mocking Richard Roeper’s pedantic book review of the Jose Canseco book “Juiced: Crazy Days and Nights Hacking People’s Heads Off With OJ Simpson’ (What, that’s not the title?), that I missed Roeper’s reference to Jose’s assertion in the book about Dusty Baker’s after hour skills. Jose said, “That dude could party!” You just have to love that Jose used the word dude to describe Dusty, don’t you? Dude.

So for that, I apologize. And today we wrap up our award-winning feature where we answer the big questions each team faces as they head into spring training this week. The only divisions left are the National League East and Central.

So without further adieu…

New York Mets

They spent crazy money on Pedro Martinez and Carlos Beltran, don’t they know that Pedro’s got about 137 more pitches left in that right arm?
You see, when a New York general manager overspends on a player, the media talks about how it’s OK because they had to do it to “win the back page” whatever that means. If a GM in say…Detroit or Chicago does it, well then they’re complete morons and they need to have their homes burned down and their children beaten with a four foot length of garden hose.

Wait, did I say Chicago? Nah, the Cubs and Sox never overpay for top free agents. They don’t pay them at all.

The Mets will rue the day they signed Pedro, the diva of the pitcher’s mound. They’ll regret it because his arm is going to fall off and they’ll be paying him for at least two years past his scheduled career ending injury. Oh, well.

As for Beltran, well he’s really good. But as good Cubs fans all we can do now is sit back, watch and hope that his enormous mole is giving him terminal brain cancer.

ESPN has a column today where Eric Neel puts on the knee pads and fellates Doug Eyechart for his awesome defensive ability. In the article, a guy is quoted as saying that a great defensive first baseman like JT Snow can save his team ten games a year. I know it’s all bulls@#$, I was just wondering if you could take a closer look and let me know how much corn the bull has eaten recently.
I enjoyed Neel’s article, only because I hadn’t laughed hard enough to wet my pants in days, so it was a nice change of pace…and, eventually undies. The crux of his argument is that Doug Eyechart is such a good first baseman that he can play second base! Hot damn! Why, that would make him nearly a servicable utility infielder! One so valuable that the Twins decided they’d rather have Augie Ojeda on their roster than Doug.

As for Snow saving ten games with his glove, it’s true. But he throws away a dozen games with his bat.

Are they still paying Mo Vaughn?
Not his salary, but they’re still paying on his tab at Ruth’s Chris.

Florida Marlins
They’ve been around for like 12 years and have won two World Series, but have never won a division title. What are we supposed to make of that?
God hates us. Is there really any other possible answer? I’m just waiting to be smoted. Smoten? Smited? Oh, you get the idea.

When they traded Derrek Lee to the Cubs for Des Moines’ favorite karaoke superstar, the reason was that they couldn’t afford Derrek. Then, a year later they overpay 32-year-old (32? Sure. Whatever.) Carlos Delgado to play in a park that is death on lefty power. What the hell are they doing?
It was all an elaborate ruse to rid the Cubs of Sammy Sosa. It all started last year when Jim Hendry hypnotized Larry Beinfest into trading him D. Lee for Hee Seop Flop. Then, the Marlins had to get Delgado because if he went to Baltimore, Sammy would have no place to land. So really, it’s just the Marlins paying back the Cubs for throwing the 2003 pennant for them.

How much of that was out loud?

How much will my Dontrelle Willis rookie card be worth in 2019?
Let’s just say that and a Mark Fidrych rookie card will get you a cup of coffee. So, about 20 bucks.

Philadelphia Phillies

So what’s the deal, did Pat Burrell tag Heather Mitts or not?

Apparently they dated but she chose former Eagles QB AJ Feeley, last seen sucking it up royally in Miami. It has to hurt to lose a hot babe to a guy holding a clipboard, but as Phillies fans can tell you, Pat the Bat’s used to striking out. A lot.

Their top prospect, Ryan Howard, is a first baseman. They’ve got Jim Thome there. Why don’t they move Thome back to his original position, third base?
Because then they’d have to put up plexiglass behind the first base dugout to protect the fans from a Dave Hollins like barrage of errant throws.

They hired Charlie Manuel to manage. Isn’t he dead?
He’s not clinically deceased, though he does keep about eight feet of large intestine in a jar in the dugout. Don’t ask.

Atlanta Braves
Let me get this straight. John Smoltz screwed up his arm and they moved him to closer because he couldn’t hack it as a starter anymore. In 2003 in the playoffs against the Cubs his elbow was bothering him so much he could only throw in the mid 80s, but now, they trade for Dan Kolb and think Smoltz is going to be an 18 game winner? Are they daft?
The Braves will tell you that Smoltz is fully recovered from his arm surgery. Chip Caray reported the other day that Smoltz is now cured of his “Tommy John Disease,” and everything’s going to be great. What the Braves seem to have forgotten is that Smoltz is going to be 38 and hasn’t thrown 200 innings in a season in EIGHT years. This is going to end badly.

The Braves have a hotshot prospect named Andy Marte and he plays third base. But last year they moved Larry Wayne Jones back to third and say he’ll play there all of 2005. Are you telling me they’d rather play Chipper at third and Brian Freakin’ Jordan in left than Marte at third and Chipper in left? How in the hell did this franchise ever reel off 13 straight division titles?
Mainly because Steve Phillips was generally managing the Mets into the ground, I suspect.

Speaking of Steve Phillips (this has nothing to do with the Braves), didn’t he once inspire one of the funniest Seinfeld episodes, ever?
I think you’re referring to the one where George gets fired for having sex with the company’s cleaning lady on his desk and then says, “Was that wrong? Was I not supposed to do that?” That show aired about four months after Phillips got caught banging his secretary on the desk at the Mets spring training complex. So…yeah, probably.

Back to the Braves, doesn’t the return of Chip Caray mean the end of the Braves’ long run of success?
Absolutely. With Chip back in the fold, I suspect they’ll suffer through a decade of 100 loss seasons. One can hope, anyway.

Washington Nationals

Didn’t Jim Bowden once trade his family when he was with the Reds?
Let’s just say his wife went free agent with one of the Reds’ owners. And it wasn’t Marge Schott.

I want to buy a Nationals’ t-shirt with a players’ name and number on it, but the only one they have so far is Nick Johnson. Can’t a brother get a Terrmel Sledge?
Granted a Sledge would be sweet, but I’d buy the Johnson. With it you get a brace for your wrist and framed copies of the forms used to put him on the DL every year.

Why don’t the Nats trade their one proven pitcher, Livan Hernandez, to a contender for some young arms?
Major League Baseball won’t let them trade Livan because they consider his presence to be a cost savings for the team. When they have a rain delay in RFK this year, they’re going to cover the infield with a pair of Livan’s pants.

Washington’s lost baseball twice. Why are they so excited to have another team?
This is a city that’s ready to elect Marion Berry mayor for a third time, they’re dumb enough to do anything.

St. Louis Cardinals

Give me one good reason not to punch Tony LaRussa in the mouth the next time I see him.

…

…

…

I got nuthin’.

Is it true that their new park is only going to have two levels of seating in it instead of three because the structural engineers told them they can’t stack the hay bales that high?

If you had Bo Hart stand on David Eckstein’s shoulders would you get one normal sized baseball player?

Has Larry Walker found any more dead guys on his ranch lately?

Uh…yes, no, and maybe?

How come nobody else is making a big deal out of the fact that the Cardinals traded three good, young players to the A’s for Mark Mulder, but only on the condition that they not require Mulder to pass a physical? After all, Mulder’s got a hip condition that limited him to seven second half starts in 2003 and a sore arm that caused him to go 5-6 with a 6.13 ERA in the second half of 2004?

Hey, the A’s and Cardinals trainers are the same guys who think Mark McGwire just did a lot of pushups.

Is there a bigger c@#$%^&*@ in baseball than Jim Edmonds?
Nope. Not a one.

Houston Astros

So Roger Clemens was happy to soak up all of the praise for pitching for his ‘hometown’ Astros last year for $5 million, but then as soon as the season was over he held them over a barrel and extorted $18 million out of them? He’s supposed to get praised for this? And for Jose Canseco writing in his book that Roger’s the only guy in baseball who didn’t cheat on his wife?
I think the exact quote was, “Roger is the only guy in baseball who doesn’t cheat on his wife with other women.”

What’s that popping sound?
Andy Pettitte’s elbow.

Did Lance Berkman really need ACL surgery, or was he just lying in the Wrigley batter’s box this winter pretending he tore up his knee?
Something tells me that when he comes back this summer he’ll spend some quality time face down in the Wrigley dirt, and he won’t be faking this time.

Who’s mustache is smarter, Phil Garner’s or Bob Brenly?
Bob’s won a World Series, Phil’s just makes him look like Yosemite Sam.

How badly did Carlos Beltran screw them by waiting until the last minute and then signing with the Mets?
So bad it’s hilarious.

Milwaukee Brewers

What sound did Brewers’ GM Doug Melvin make when Kenny Williams called him up and offered Carlos Lee for Scott Podsednik and Luis Vizcaino?
We’ll have to use the Sarah Wood voice for this:

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Do they have nice golf courses at Lyle Overbay or is it more of a bed and breakfast and less of a resort?
Huh?

Will the Brewers make Brooks Kieschnick their full time closer?
Only if they want to suck.

With their rich farm system will the Brewers ever become the class of the NL Central.
Oh, hell no. They’ll always be lousy.

Pissburgh Pirates

Jim Hendry was trying to tout Jason Dubois by saying that “Nobody in baseball had heard of Khalil Green or Jason Bay before last season.” He had heard of them, right? They were only two of the best prospects in baseball. He was just proving a point, right?
I think what he meant to say was that Dusty Baker had never heard of them. Dusty still thinks that Doug Drabek is pitching for the Pirates.

Can we have baseball institute a rule that Brian Meadows has to pitch against the Cubs in every Pirates-Cubs game? The Cubs beat him like a drum last year.
I think Lloyd McClendon is already under the assumption that rule exists.

Is it legal to use a taser on Rob Mackowiak?
Actually, it is.

Man, does Bobby Hill suck, or what?
Yeah, he does.

Cincinnati Reds

Do you think their manager, whoever it is, can look at his starting rotation and not start sobbing uncontrollably?
It’s Dave Miley, and no, he can’t.

I have May 4th and hamstring in the Ken Griffey, Jr. season ending injury pool. How’m I looking?
I’ve got April 14th and lupus. I mean I don’t actually have lupus, myself…oh, you know what I mean.

How many times this season will a home plate umpire incorrectly stop play while Austin Kearns is batting because he’ll think Kearns has reached up with his hand to call time out, only to realize it’s just his enormous ear sticking out from his helmet?
A lot.

Peter Gammons has written two columns in three days where he talks about how he knows Junior Griffey never used steroids, but in one of them he talked about how Junior used to work out alone, at home, to make it look like his strength was all natural. Doesn’t “alone” mean, nobody knows what he was doing?
Gammons has been collecting Griffey’s baseball cards, bobblehead dolls and urine samples for years now. If anybody knows, it’s Gammons.

Chicago Cubs

Jeromy Burnitz? What the f@#$?
Gorman Thomas was unavailable, apparently.

What did you buy Derrek Lee for Christmas?
A calendar that goes, January, February, March, June, June, June, July, August, June, June, November, December.

Quick, how many All-Stars will the Cubs have this year and who will they be?
Five.
Mark Prior, Carlos Zambrano, E-ramis Ramirez, Corey Patterson and Nomar Garciaparra. Nomar will get more votes than any other NL All-Star.

How many games will it take to win the Central this year?
One more than whatever Houston gets. The Cardinals are headed back to 88 wins, and reality.

Do you have any advice for Len Kasper and Bob Brenly?
No John McDonough bran muffin jokes, don’t harp on the visibility, don’t suck and don’t feed the Panozzo.

Other than Dusty, since Gabor, Wavin’ Wendell, Sam-me, Moises and The Farns are gone, who’s gonna be the whipping boy?
Let’s just say it’s going to be LaWhipping Boy, if you know what I mean.

How many wins do Mark Prior, Carlos Zambrano, Greg Maddux and Kerry Wood combine for?
69.
Prior – 21
Zambrano – 19
Maddux – 15
Wood – 14 (It’s apparently illegal for him to win more than this.)

Where can I get my Hank White Fan Club t-shirt?

Right here.