Trying to figure out a team on the first day of Spring training is a fool’s errand to say the least. Well, I’m a fool, so what the hell, it seems like a good enough time to do our first Cubs Report of 2005.

When last we left our heroes we were standing near the players’ parking lot on October 3rd throwing dog poop at them while they got in their cars to drive home for the winter. Wait, how much of that was out loud?

Anyway, all is forgiven, and since the most loathesome of the Cubs–Chip Caray, Wavin’ Wendell, Tom Goodwin, Ramon Martinez, The Farns and The Gladiator–are gone, we need new guys to mock (and to root for of course).

Since our audience is growing by the leaps and bounds, this seems like a good time to get you caught up on all the nicknames, too. By midseason every year, we need to publish a glossary so in the GameCasts we can figure out who we’re mocking.

Pitchers

Mark Prior (The Franchise)— If doom wore a number last spring it was 22. We should have known when he got shut down in spring training that it was over. If we were smart, we’d have all found other ways to spend our summer. But we’re not smart. We’re Cubs fans. Even when he came back he wasn’t himself…until the last month of the season and then the “real” Mark Prior came to pitch. And it was a glorious sight. He’s not one of the best young pitchers in the game. He is the best and really, it’s not even close. It’ll be nice to have The Franchise in action from day one.

Kerry Wood— Now that he’s in his early 30s, it’s really time for Kerry Lee Wood to put up or…what, he’s 27? How is that possible? He’s been on this team since the glory days of George Mitterwald, right? We all know what he hasn’t done. He hasn’t won more than 14 games in a season. He hasn’t strung together even three months worth of dominance at one time. But he’s the hardest pitcher to hit in the National League. Granted that’s because he’s likely to throw four pitches into the dugout or stick one in the hitter’s ribs, but now is not the time to jump off the Kerry Wood bandwagon. One of these years, and this one would be nice, he’s going to put it all together. The National League lives in fear that his lightbulb will go on and the Cubs will have the three best pitchers in the league all on the same staff. They’re closer than you think.

Carlos Zambrano (The Lawnmower)— How can you not love Carlos? Is it even possible? Isn’t he exactly the way you want your ace to be? He works fast, he throws strikes, he taunts the opponents, he berates his teammates on the field, inexplicably–he switch hits–with power? He sprints out every grounder, he goes first to third and scares the bejeezus out of the infielders in the process. He averaged 112 pitches per start last year, and everybody says Dusty overused him. Except Carlos. Watch when Dusty goes out to take Carlos out of a game. Carlos looks like he’d like to hand Dusty the ball…and shove it in his mouth. Would YOU want to go tell him he has to leave the game? Me neither. If there was any doubt about my manly love for Carlos it ended that night in Wrigley when he followed up a Scott Rolen homer by putting the next pitch in Jim Edmonds’ neck. It was like Carlos was sending me my own personal Valentine. I love you too, big boy!

Greg Maddux— You just knew that the Cubs picked him up too late. It was going to be the perfect Cubs move. Bring him back the year after the wheels fall off. You expected to see him fail miserably in his quest to win his 300th game and there was no way in hell he was going to win 15 games in a season for the 17th straight year. But guess what? He and Carlos carried the staff. They did it when Prior and Woody were sharing bunk beds at Northwestern Memorial. They did it when Matt Clement took his ovaries and went home. There are days when Greg does not have it and it’s batting practice for the opponents. He’s always been like that. But in his prime that happened maybe twice a season. Now it happens maybe six times. But if he gets 30 starts, it means you get 24 good ones and about ten where he’s just toying with people. Those are the fun ones. Those are the ones that make you happy, and yet, piss you off that he ever was allowed to leave in the first place.

Glendon Rusch– His emergence last year did three things, 1) it reminded you how flukey baseball can be, 2) it made Larry Rothschild look like a certifiable genius and 3) it made Texas Rangers’ pitching coach Orel Hershisher–on whose advice the Rangers released Glendon after Spring Training–look like the namby pamby jerkoff we always knew he (and his little round glasses) always was (were, whatever.) The Cubs think that Rusch’s struggles in Milwaukee were due to two things: bad luck (he led the league for two years in batting average on balls put in play–which means either he was getting smoked, or that the Brewers couldn’t stop a batted baseball to save their asses) and the fact that he wouldn’t throw his fastball inside. His luck changed and his pitches found the plate and Glendon was a lifesaver. Let’s hope that remains the same.

Joe Borowski (Regular Joe/Sweaty Joe)— Last spring, Joe wasn’t throwing very hard and he couldn’t figure out why. Well, we knew why. His arm was falling off. After walking the tightrope early in the season, he finally got examined and found out he had a bad arm. This was bad news for the Cubs, because they’d come accustomed to his panicked, sweaty, and efficient ninth innings. He claims he’s healthy, and he lost 20 pounds. Mike Murphy wondered aloud last night if Joe was on steroids. Steroids? Joe? Has Murph ever seen him? Unless, Joe took them and then laid on the couch waiting to get magically buff…I don’t think so. If he’s healthy he deserves his closer’s job back, because nobody did it worth a damn last year. If he’s not, well, Iowa could use a setup guy.

Mike Remlinger— Only the Cubs would pay big bucks for a lefty reliever who can’t get lefties out. Actually, last year, they had two of them. That almost makes you think they did it on purpose. However, when healthy (and that hasn’t been often for the Cubs), he’s worth having. I still don’t understand why he won’t throw the changeup to lefthanded hitters, but there are a lot of things I don’t understand. Like why people watch American Idol, for instance.

Ryan Dempster— Are the Cubs seriously considering making a career starting pitcher, and one with control issues at that, their closer? Well, Jim Hendry is. Whether Dusty Baker is on board with that is up for debate. What’s not debateable is that on pure stuff, Dempster could do it. He’s got a plus fastball and a nasty slider and his problem as a starter was that he would nibble the second and third times through the order. As a closer, there won’t be a second or third time. It’s just crazy enough to work. Or not.

Jon Leicester (The Ice Man)– The Cubs supposedly have a stockpile of hard throwing righthanded pitchers in their minors. Add the now departed Frank Beltran to the next three guys and you can see that on the surface, it’s true. The Ice Man was, for most of the season, the most reliable righthanded reliever the Cubs had. He sort of hit the wall in September though (not good timing for a team in a last ditch playoff push), but for the bulk of his time with the Cubs, the Ice Man was money. Let’s hope he broke through the wall, and didn’t just bounce off of it.

Todd Wellemeyer– Sure, he’s got weird posture, but he also has electric stuff. He was lights out for the Cubs until he got hurt and then when he came back he got lit up. But strangely, even when he was healthy, Dusty didn’t use him that much. Hey, at least he can’t blame his injury on being overworked.

Mike Wuertz (From Bad to Wuertz)– From the time he came back to the big club in September to the end of the season, Wuertz had a 0.77 ERA. He was, in the last week, the only Cubs reliever capable of actually getting an out. But that says more about the complete, and total, bullpen collapse then it does about Wuertz. Even in his successul time, he walked too many guys (10 walks in 17 innings during his first call up, eight walks in 11 innings in his return). The difference in his September appearances was he was getting K’s. He only struck out 12 guys in his first 17 innings, but 18 in his last 11. So that’s something. Right?

LaTroy Hawkins— Almost all of Hawkins’ numbers from last year look good. He had a 2.63 ERA and only walked 14 guys in 82 innings. Opponents batted only .233 against him. BUT, he blew nine saves, he gave up 10 homers and in one-run save attempts he was abysmal. Ironically, of the nine saves he blew, the Cubs still managed to win FIVE of those games. The Cubs were 23-8 in his appearances after the All-Star Break. We remember his crippling three run homer to Victor Diaz, but ironically, the Cubs have had guys who were worse at closing than LaTroy who don’t get near the blame. Is he better suited to the eighth? If you have somebody who can close, yes. But what still astonishes me is that Hawkins biggest weakness is his inability to not throw a strike. How many times did he give up a homer or a double on an 0-2 or 1-2 pitch? Enough to drive me…and you…insane.

Sergio Mitre (The Meat Tray)– His ERA during his initial callup was a robust 6.51. That’s bad in any league, even for a 23 year old who had never seen AAA. But he showed some promise. He’s kind of stuck though. The current Cubs’ pitching rotation has three guys in it who are here for the long haul plus two more years of Greg Maddux. Then, there are a horde of more highly touted prospects behind him. It would behoove the Meat Tray to make an impression in Spring Training, or his biggest value to the Cubs will come in whoever they get for him when they trade him.

Will Ohman (Bad Ohman)– Will has been missing in action for three full seasons now as he comes back from what Chip Caray so eloquently described as “Tommy John Disease.” He’s a finesse lefty (junkballer) but with some promise. He won’t make you forget Billy Wagner, but he won’t conjure memories of Felix Heredia, either. Will was a stud this winter for the immortal Mazatlan Deer of the Mexican League where his catcher, Jake Taylor, thought he showed great promise. But Ohman’s 27 now, and the same horde is sneaking up on him as it is Meat Tray and it’s now or never.

Steven Randolph (The Black Andy Pratt)– If he makes the team, he’ll be the worst lefty to break camp with the Cubs since…Andy Pratt…or Daniel Garibay. You just cringed, didn’t you?

Roberto Novoa— Novoa will be the first tangible evidence that The Farns is really gone. He got lit up in Detroit (buy boy, that Comerica Park, it’s bandbox! Oh, wait…), but had put together an impressive season at AA Erie, and is only 25. So that’s something.

Chad Fox– Chad Fox has been all over in his career and has two good stints to show for it. In 2001 he had a 1.89 ERA in 65 games for the Brewers and in 2003 he had a 2.13 ERA in 21 games with the Marlins after he got picked up from the Red Sox. That’s about it. He’s had some arm problems and he looks just like JK Simmons from “Oz” and the Spider-Man movies.


So he’s got that going for him. Which is nice.

Catchers
Michael Barrett (Captain of the God Squad)– Michael Barrett was better last year than any of us could have imagined. His defense wasn’t great, but we’d been led to believe the only way he’d be able to catch a pitch would be to wait for it to stop rolling and pick it up. At the plate, he was better than he’d ever shown capable of in Montreal. That’s not to say he’s a star. Michael’s a nice player and a productive catcher. When you figure that teams have won World Series with guys like Tim Laudner and the Flying Molina Brothers behind the plate, you realize Barrett’s not a liability. He got tired late last year and kind of staggered down the stretch, meaning we had to see Gabor Bako in meaningful games (never a good thing). This year he’s got an even more capable backup, so hopefully he’ll be able to finish stronger.

Henry Blanco (Hank White)– Every team needs a folk hero. Hank White could very well be that man. He’s fat, he’s apparently very sleepy

and he can’t really hit all that well. But while Gabor was purported to be a good defensive catcher, Blanco really is. He threw out nearly half of the runners who tried to steal on him last year in Minnesota and he led the American League. Let’s see Gabor do that. In LA. You get the idea.

Infielders
Derrek Lee— Sure we taunted him with a comparison chart to Hee Seop Choi when he struggled in April and May, but it was with love! Right? No, it was contempt. But by season’s end, we were happy with our freakishly tall first baseman. We can even ignore the fact that the only clutch hits he’s ever gotten were in games six and seven of the 2003 NLCS for the Marlins. The fact is that he really is a great defensive first baseman and if he could ever get a hit in the season’s first two months, that’d be nice.

Todd Walker (God Squad Co-Captain)– What we know about Todd is that when he’s in a groove he can rake. He plays second base like he’s wearing a rake on his left hand, though. Oh, and he can’t pinch hit to save his ass, unless he’s walking against Damaso Marte to sweep the Sox! Good times, there. He should have a good year with the bat since he’s not likely to lose much time to Jerry Hairston the Lesser.

Nomar Garciaparra– I won’t even pretend that I’m not excited to see a full, healthy season out of Nomar. Just take a minute to think about all of the National League shortstops who are as good as Nomar. Go ahead. Hah! There aren’t any! Not even close. In fact, it’s possible that Nomar could become the first ever unanimous All-Star selection by the fans. OK, maybe not. It looks like Nomar’s going to set up shop in the third spot in the batting order, tucked nicely between Walker and E-ramis and I’m not predicting a batting title. I’m just saying it won’t shock me.

Aramis Ramirez (E-ramis)– First, about the nickname. We hung it on him when he brought his supposed iron glove with him from Pissburgh in July of 2003. But we haven’t really seen that. In fact, last year he was not just an average defensive third baseman, he was excellent. He’s also excellent at the plate, so excellent in fact that a full healthy season out of E-ramis will include a run at the triple crown. So the e in E-ramis is for excellent.

Neifi Perez– Remember the old game show Press Your Luck, where you had the big board of TV screens and you had to hit the plunger to stop on one of the screens and the Whammies could get you and make you lose all of your stuff? Yeah, well, Jim Hendry either never saw the show, or he thinks his plunging skills are sublime, because bringing Neifi back, after his fluke .371 with the Cubs last year is definitely pressing your luck.

Jose Macias (The Gremlin)– I can’t decide if he looks like a gremlin or if he sucks like the car did? Probably both. Either way, the only suspense with Jose will be when he draws his first walk of 2005. He didn’t get his first in 2004 until June. I’m guessing you’ll see your local fireworks display this summer before Jose strolls to first after four bad ones.

Jerry Hairston Jr.– Hey, he’s no Gary Mathews Jr.! Actually, if given a shot, Hairston could probably do a pretty solid job playing left field and leading off. But Dusty seems to want to use a platoon out there that doesn’t involve Jerry and instead will try and use Hairston like the Tigers and Sox used to use Tony Phillips. All over the field and leading off. That wouldn’t be too bad. Of course, you have to factor in at least one long DL stint for Jerry so he can have his new teammates sign a cast on his foot. How nice.

Cody Ransom– Ironically, if you kidnapped Cody and held him for ransom, the Cubs wouldn’t pay.

Outfielders
Corey Patterson– Say what you will about Corey, he strikes out too much, he doesn’t take enough pitches (he swung at 48 percent of the ones thrown at him last year) and his bunting needs work, but there’s no doubting his talent. It’s all there. If he ever harnesses it, he’s going to be a star. Not just a good player, but a bonafide star. Promisingly, he showed up early for spring training to work on his bunting with Sonny Jackson and seems to have finally accepted that the Cubs need him to lead off. I’m in the group who thinks that an offseason full of six hour training days, six days a week to get his knee ready wore him out when the Cubs needed him the most in September. A more rested Patterson (who also won’t need to cover as much ground as he did between the statues of Alou and Sosa in left and right) should be able to finish what he starts. Right?

Jeromy Burnitz (Jer-oh for four-mee)– Don’t let the Cubs fool you, had they traded Sammy two months earlier than they did, they would not have settled for Burnitz in right field. By the time the Sammy carosel had stopped, Burnitz was the last real option on the free agent market. He didn’t cost a lot, and though there’s a second year in the contract, he’s not going to see it. But the reality is that we have no idea what we’ll get out of Burnitz, because his career has shown no clear pattern. Just when you think he’s figured it out he goes out and has a bad year, and then when you think it’s over he has a good one. You might as well just flip a coin.

Todd Hollandsworth— I certainly like Todd Hollandsworth, but I’m not sure I’ll be able to ever forgive him for ruining his season, and probably the Cubs’, by fouling a ball off of the same spot on his leg where he’d previously suffered nerve damage. What, he couldn’t afford a nine dollar shin guard? He was the best pinch hitter in the NL and was serving a valuable role as the Cubs fourth outfielder when he dropped like a sniper had taken him out at Comiskey. But this is the thing about Hollandsworth. He’s very good. He can run, he can hit, he can throw. But he has never been able to stay healthy. It’s why he’s never been a very good player. He’s going to be 32 this April, and we’re supposed to think he can play almost every day (as the lefty half of a platoon he’ll get most of the starts)? I’m not buying it.

Jason Dubois— Jason has been very productive in the minor leagues and in his one start with the Cubs last year (the guy he was playing for didn’t show up on time, then left early…what was his name) he went yard and looked very much like the hype was true. The only problem with Dubois is that he runs like a glacier and he strikes out a bunch. But you know what? The Cubs were full of those guys last year. They won 89 games. I’m sure they can win 95 or 97 with one of them playing part time. Right?

Dave Kelton– You see that flickering in the corner of your eye, Dave? That’s your career dissipation light, and it just went into high gear. Tell Bobby Cox we said hi when the Braves snag you off of waivers. By the way, Kelton’s AAA on base average last year? .303. Woof.

Coaching Staff

Dusty Baker– Of all the guys who got slapped around in the media during and after last season, Dusty’s the only one left standing (other than LaTroy, but he won’t talk to the media). There is an inordinate amount of pressure on Dusty this year, because there are some dopes who think that Sammy and Moises would still be around if Dusty was as great in the clubhouse as he was supposed to be. But consider, Sammy’s most productive days are behind him and Moises’ 2004 was a fluke. Chances are, had Dusty run an Up with People clubhouse last year the Cubs would have gotten disappointing production out of both Sammy and Moises this year. Odds are the Cubs starting pitching is going to kick ass from the get go this year, and the Cubs will win and win a lot, and Dusty will look like a smart manager. It’s how it works.

Chris Speier (third base), Gary Matthews (first base), Larry Rothschild (pitching), Gene Clines (hitting), Juan Lopez (bullpen), Dick Pole (bench) and Sonny Jackson (skybox)
Chris Speier’s got the best job in Chicago this year. He’s replacing the worst third base coach ever. Meaning, Speier could be the second worst of all time and still be an improvement. Sarge’s new job is a tough one. He has to learn to say “Get back!” and find places on his body to strap shin guards and elbow pads when guys get to first. Rothschild is acknowledged to be one of the best pitching coaches in the game and who am I to argue (though, I wish he could have ‘fixed’ Matt Clement when he went bad last year), and Clines won’t be an improvement as hitting coach, because he and Sarge and Dusty all worked together on it anyway. Juan Lopez is best remembered for getting tossed out of the Cardinals game in 03 when El Pulpo chest bumped an umpire and Dick Pole has a very funny name. Sonny Jackson is apparently the bunting coach and can’t dress for games so he gets to sit in a skybox. Tough gig.

General Manager
Jim Hendry— His offseason was sort of like Sherman marching through Georgia. He just torched everything that went wrong in 2003. When the purge ended, it was like Baker Basher was running the team and just launched a bunch of guys. What we do know about Hendry though is that he does his best work during the season. Somewhere there’s the outfield equivalent of E-ramis and Nomar and Hendry won’t sleep until he’s traded for him. A closer would be nice, too.

Announcers
Because they are our most direct connection to our favorite team, the TV and radio announcers carry an inordinate amount of importance to us. Gone (joyfully) is Chip Caray. He can now annoy the rednecks in Atlanta again. Steve Stone will be missed, but after 20 years his act had worn pretty thin. He’ll get a cushy ESPN gig (especially since they’re adding games to make up for lost NHL playoff games) and it’ll be fun to hear him doing national stuff.

Len Kasper and Bob Brenly
We have no idea what to expect from Len, because frankly none of us have ever heard him. He’s got obvious judgement problems because he reads Desipio and actually returns my e-mails, so that’s good. It’ll be nice to e-mail the booth during the season and know that he’ll see it in his inbox, roll his eyes and say, “I’m not reading anything from that dope during the game.”

Brenly, we know. He got his start on WGN with tHom Brennaman and Ron Santo and he was very good, and then Fox tabbed him to do national stuff and he was so good they had to find ways to use him to drown out the absurdity of Tim McCarver. The Cubs literally lucked out when they were able to hire Brenly because he’s one of a very few announcers who could replace Stone and not be overmatched (Joe Carter, anyone?)

Pat Hughes and Ron Santo— Gee, I can’t wait until the first spring training game so we can hear Ron and Pat talk about how wrinkle free khakis work. It’s absurd, but it’s entertaining, and there’s no question they make it possible to get through the very long season.