Hello again, everybody, it’s your old pal Karry Ling here and I have taken the Desipio jet (Greyhound) out to Santa Fe (Mesa, Arizona) to file the first of my reports from spring training!
It’s my first real road trip since I left for Athens in the fall and you’ll be happy to know that Pepe has decided to come along for the ride. I’m not sure if yaks are indigenous to the desert, but I guess we’ll find out.
Our flight arrived (bus pulled in) early this morning and Pepe and I were able to head over to Ho Ho Kam Park and check out the first full squad workout of the spring for the Cubs. I’ve got to tell you, they look great. But then, who doesn’t look good in navy blue?
What is the deal with the Cubs batting practice hats and jerseys being navy, but their uniforms are royal blue? Either there was a mixup at the sporting goods store, or the Cubs may have stooped to another gimmick to sell more merchandise (gee, ya think?)
On the flight (bus ride) our captain (a drunk guy with a transistor radio) broke the news that Hunter S. Thompson had died. It’s a sad day. Though we’ve been in dispute over the years about which one of us actually invented “Gonzo Journalism”, I’m going to miss Hunter. It’s hard not to like a guy who would crush up mescaline and hide it in your salad dressing. I still say the Stardust had the best damn bleu cheese in the world.
After the Cubs’ workout today, I was able to grab a couple of key interviews. I hope to be able to do this on a regular basis during the spring.
First, I had a chance to spend a few quality minutes with media shy second baseman Todd Walker.
What was it like coming to spring training and not having Sammy Sosa around?
Well, he never showed up on time anyway, so we probably won’t notice for a few days.
A few of your old teammates with the Red Sox have been taking pot shots at Alex Rodriguez. Wanna give it a shot?
Actually, I think Alex has very nice eyes. They go well with the lipstick he wears.
You’ve done a lot of interviews the past few weeks. Do you worry that your teammates will get tired of you running your mouth anytime a reporter shows up?
I just answer the questions I get asked. It’s not like I go looking for media attention. If I was that desperate I’d have an ambigously gay relationship with a live-in WGN radio producer and hand out my cell phone number like it was the newest edition of Streetwise.
Wait, have any former Cubs ever done stuff like that?
Maybe one.
You came to the club last year with a reputation as a guy who could hit and not field. I guess they were half right.
What’s that supposed to mean? Hey, your yak just ate the pine tar rag. That can’t be good.
He’s a yak, they love pine.
Yeah. Hey, ESPN! I’ll be right over!
———–
We then caught up with Cubs’ third base coach Wendell Kim.
Are you surprised that the Cubs brought you back. You were quite a lightning rod last year?
Lightning rod? What’s that?
You know, you were the target of a lot of criticism for some of your decisions. Like sending guys home when they were going to be out by 60 feet.
My mom buys baseball cards at Target. They always hide them by the cash register.
Have you grown? You’re almost up to my waist.
Is that a dog?
He’s actually a yak.
He just threw up the pine tar thing.
Apparently pine doesn’t like him.
How many games do you think the Cubs can win this year?
This many! (Holds up four fingers.)
Well…yeah, that’s optimistic. I was thinking maybe 94. But four? Yeah, that’s good. You can run along now, I’m sure you’ve got work to do. Or maybe they need you to get on a scale with a saddle someplace.
—————————-
Finally (mock applause fills the Internet), I caught up with Cubs media relations person Sharon Panozzo.
Sharon! Over here! Karry Ling, Desipio Media Ventures!
Sharon? Who are you?
I see you’re going with the Melissa Ethridge look. Very…chemo. It’s edgy.
Do you have a press pass? How did you get out here?
Do I have a press pass? That’s priceless. So have the Cubs increased your role with the team?
I…guess. I’m gonna play right field every day. I’ll probably bat sixth or seventh. You know. Just gotta do my thing.
You’re playing in the outfield? Are we that desperate? What’s next, Chuck Wasserstrom working as a LOOGY out in the bullpen? This is madness!
Look old man, take your cow and get off the field. Some of us have to take batting practice.
Whatever you say ma’am.
So that was our first day out here. If our press pass hasn’t been revoked we’ll be filing regular reports all the way up to the opener on April 4.
Regarding my 1999 New York Knicks:
We beat Miami 3-2 in the playoffs with Ewing playing Alonzo Mourning (G’town grad who never made Final Four) to a stalemate, then swept the Atlanta Hawks with Ewing out-playing Dikembe Mutombo (See: Mourning, Alonzo) and split the first two games of the Eastern Finals against Indiana. Ewing’s last-minute layups and free-throws beat the Pacers in Game 1 and his last second 12-footer clanged off at the end of Game 2. Upon arriving in New York for Game 3, we heard the devastating news that Ewing had actually torn that achilles and we’d have to get by without him. We used the speed of Latrell Sprewell and the acrobatic play inside from Marcus Camby to stun the Pacers. Remember, Reggie Miller had a terrible series playing through a severely sprained right ankle and allowed Allan Houston to beat him constantly like a red-headed stepchild at a family reunion. Ah, good times. We also benefitted in no small part from a bogus call by an official at the end of Game 3, which allowed Larry Johnson to complete his infamous four-point play.
But in the Finals against San Antonio, David Robinson and Tim Duncan were way too much for our undersized unit to handle. You don’t figure we could have used a healthy Patrick Ewing to body up on one of those two instead of the helpless Chris Dudley and Herb Williams? If not, then you’re the real dumbass. We lost the series 4-1.
To wit:
Knicks 1999 playoffs with Ewing: 8-3
Knicks 1999 playoffs without Ewing: 4-6
We could do this all day long, boys. At the end, your “Ewing Theory†will still be a bust. Sorry! ~ JVG
You’re dead, Ling.
I miss Markie.
I got fired and no one even realize this!
Uhh, Wendell. I think Karry thought I was you. It really was kind of obvious. Hence the photo. Have fun in the Gulf Coast League.
I’m not Jeromy Burnitz and no one even realize this!
All your Panozzo and Kim are belonging to us!
And I don’t doubt for one moment that that WGN producer was even more of a “gorgeous man” than Shea Hillenbrand and Gracie’s imaginary husband who’s serving in Iraq, combined….
JVG,
I have tapes of the EC Finals in 1999, and I don’t recall anything about Reggie having a sprained ankle. He did have an ankle twinge in the 1998 EC Finals, but it didn’t stop him from pushing-off and nailing that game winner in Game 4.
And, though the Knicks beat the Heat and Hawks, Zo outplayed Ewing in that series. The reason New York won the series against Atlanta was because, besides Zeke, Chris Crawford was ATL’s best player.
But how does this relate to Karry and the Cubs, again?
Grace’s roomie was not a producer. He was on air talent.
And he may not be for much longer, at least at the 50,000 watt clear channel slot.
Don’t the Cubs practice at Fitch field?
Who was his roomie, Chuck?
I was his roommate, Chuck. And I am a producer.
I cut my teeth working for Steve and Garry in the early 80’s as an intern. I worked my way up in radio until I was producing Kaplan and Waddle’s Sports Central show on WGN until about three years ago when I went back to my mentor, Fatso Dahl, to produce his show.
Hey, Chuck thinks I lived with Grace.
What a maroon.
Grace and Kappy were bunkies for a while when Kappy was getting divorced.
Wanna hear about all the celebrities that showed up at my divorce proceedings?
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