On the day that Dick Bennett and his “pass until it hurts” offense is expected to be given another college basketball job (oh God, no!) his old team, the BADgers are next in line on the Kentucky chopping block. And that’s the worst of the four games tonight. Oh, boy is this great.

Duke and Kansas play in a game in which there’s really nobody to root for. It’s like a nuclear war between Iraq and Syria. You just hope they both destroy each other in the fight.

Marquette and Pitt clash in a game that could very well come down to Travis Diener outplaying Brandon Knight.

But the main event is Notre Dame-Arizona. I think we’re all looking forward to the moment that Channing Frye takes one look at Torin Francis and surrenders like an Iraqi regular.

Smart money is that Arizona cruises through this one after surviving that near nightmare double OT thriller against Gonzaga. But only one team in college basketball beat six top ten teams this year. And that’ll be the team in the blue and gold.

It’s one game. In a series, the Wildcats win. But in one game Chris Thomas can kill you. Matt Carroll can get unconscious and throw in threes from halfcourt. Torrian Jones can glue himself to Saleem Stoudamire and make him disappear.

In the second chance NCAA Tournament Challenge on ESPN (sign up now, it’s still free and the cutoff is tonight before the Wisconsin-Kentucky tip — our group is the Desipio Office Pool Two), I couldn’t actually bring myself to pick the Irish. But I know it can happen. I’ve seen stranger things happen.

One thing I urge you to do tonight is to pay attention in the postgame interviews to how many times Notre Dame coach Mike Brey says the word “fabulous.” He says fabulous more often than Christopher Lowell at a fabric sale. It’s scary. On Thursday night Chris Thomas was “fabulous” and Torin Francis was “unbelievably fabulous”. The Wisconsin-Milwaukee effort was “fabulous”. On Saturday Danny Miller was “fabulous” the team shot the ball “fabulously” and Bill Self’s team was a “fabulous opponent.”

We get the idea. You need a new adjective, though, Mike.

We still need two teams for Saturday’s Desipio Baseball League draft. It’s live, on your computer at 11 a.m. on Saturday. You won’t miss a second of the NCAA Tournament games that day, and besides the weather’s going to suck (no matter where you live–trust me). Our group name is Desipio League Baseball and the password is flannelboy. Sign up now at http://games.espn.go.com , those spots should go fast.

Last night’s Survivor had the most pointless nudity of all time. I’m not complaining, I’m just saying that if somebody doesn’t score with one of those exhibitionists, they’re not trying. You hear me Rob? Good.

Last night on Survivor it opened at Tribe of the Vagina Monologues where they had just come back from Tribal Council after voting off Shawna.

Deena: “We miss Shawna. We miss that spark. That bandana with sunglasses.”

Rob: “Alex is sad that she’s gone. I admit it’s sad to have one 23 year old gone. But maybe he’ll get his head out of his ass and start concentrating on the game.”

That’s a lovely visual. Rob then went to work trying to convince Jenna and Deena that when the tribes merge that he and Alex and Matthew can go back to the remaining guys (Butch, Dave and Roger) and pretend that the six-man alliance is still around. Instead, Rob, Alex and Matthew will align with Deena, Jenna, Heidi and Quisty to start getting rid of what’s left of Sausage Fest’s men. How clever. But Rob, this will only work for one vote, then Dave and Butch or Roger will scurry around and form a new alliance. You know that, right?

The next morning they get their tree-mail and with it is a key to the mysterious locked box that’s been in their supplises since day one. They open the box and read an announcement that the time has come to “live as one tribe.” Is this just another one of those crazy “trick the Survivors into thinking there’s a merger when there’s not? OK, maybe not.

SausageFest packes up and actually waves goodbye to their camp. What happens to the fridge?

They ought to bring it with and make Heidi carry the damn thing.

Jeff “Anal” Probst greets them and tells them they’ve merged and they’re now playing for individual immunity. So much for that theory.

Quisty is so happy and she’s seizing again. She says, “Eye made it to the muh-guh!” Then she claps and says “Yay!” again. Oh, make it stop.

They hop in their new red boat and paddle to their beach. When they get there they find a spread of food and beer. Jenna goes right for the hot dogs. Of course she does. This picnic brought to you by Coors Light.

Dave says, out loud, “We’re thinking we’re blessed to have this feast, so let’s celebrate.” Wow, this guy is a twit.

Deena says that they need a new name. Alex suggest Jacare, it’s apparently Portugese for crocodile. How about Tanqueray, that’s English for “hung over Andy.”

Roger decides they’ve had too much fun and stands up and gives them all the “Let’s get to work look.” This guy is might be the biggest Survivor ass to date. And that’s saying something.

They start to pack up the leftover food and the guys are icing down the beer. Nice move. Roger gets mad. He literally starts pulling beer out of the bags. He wants to ice down the perishables. Screw that. Get drunk!

Alex reads my mind: “The problem with Roger is that he’s an ass. What he thought was important took precedence.”

Roger decides to assign “duties” to the tribe. He said doody! Oh, duty. Never mind.

Deena says that they need to build their camp at least 150 feet away from the river bank because crocodiles don’t go that far. Roger, is apparently a croc behavioralist because he says, “The caymen won’t come up here.” Oh, shut up, Roger.

Rob, as always, puts the Deena-Roger feud in perspective. “I respect Deena, and Roger loves to hear himself talk.”

Deena is literally making faces behind Roger’s back. “Roger thinks women are stupid and Deena thinks women are men.”

We then get the sight of Dave cutting down trees with a beer in his hand.

And always injured Alex now has his hand bandaged. What did he do this time?

Quisty is now mad at Roger but I don’t know why. It’s something about the shelter and math and she keeps saying the words “pawm fwombs” over and over again. Make it stop.

Rob: “Some people are building shelter, I’m building alliances. It’ll be interesting to see who’ll use it for more than six or nine days.”

Heidi, Jenna and Deena are discussing who to boot off. Dave’s the biggest threat, but theyhate Roger.

Deena: “I we were to allow Roger to be on the jury he’ll never vote for a female. Because we have brasts and estrogen we must be inferior to a male. They’re right. Screw them.”

I’m already tired of Deena’s whining about men and women. Take your sexual identity crisis someplace else, Dino.

Roger is excited that there are more guys than girls. “It just seems to easy, something’s going to happen here. I’m not that confident yet.”

Dave: “The plan is to eliminate the girls. I’m going to vote for Quisty because that’s the way the alliance wants to go. Deena is vulnerable, too.”

Night comes and the beer is flowing again. Rob even yells out, “The Silver Bullet!” He’s just begging for his own commercial.

Rob: “Camp is very festive, except for one old man who is sleeping and snoring. It just happens to the be the guy everybody wants off. I’m disappointed the girls aren’t drinking more. That’s a bad thing for a guy who looks like me. I need them to be drunk.”

Then the most disturbing part of the show. They discuss the “craziest place they’ve had sex.” Quisty’s involves the Fourth of July and the Washington Monument. I think I just went blind.

Dave making up story about eating food off two women.

Rob: “I really dislike Dave. He thinks he’s slick and smart and a real ladies man. He could try and coerce one of these girls to vote with him.”

Rob on his sex life: “Mine is so mundane, but I’ve got lots of crazy thoughts in my head. Most of my sex stories involve me and a fat girl.”

Rob tells the story of a failed three way opporunity. Jenna said, “I like two girls and a guy.” And a pizza place? Oh, maybe she’s not talking about bad ABC shows.

Heidi, who gets more reprehensible and homely every week says, “I hink you’d be surprised if you told girls you wanted to do that how receptive they’d be.” OK, she just made amends…a little.

Rob: “I Changed my mind. I want the last three to be Jenna, Heidi and me, I could be having a threesome on day 37.”

The next morning we see lots of empty beer cans. We also see drunken and hung over people and Roger, wide awake, making lots of noise driving a stake into the ground. The man’s a menace.

Rob: “Roger has no sense of self awareness. He doesn’t know how many people hate him.”

Rob still worried about Dave.

Deena told him not to worry: “We have arranged this. It’s not the battle of the sexes. Now it’s the battle of stronger and weaker.”

She says to Rob. “You, me and Jenna. Then it’s every girl for yourself.”

Rob, get some sack and at least stand up a little. Yeesh.

Deena: You can’t assume girls are going to lay down and make it happen.” Thankfully Deena was not my prom date.

It’s immunity time and SausageFest had the Immunity Calvin last. He’s now retired. So long, Calvin.

It’s the standard, stand on this perch until you fall in the water challenge.

Roger nearly fell in as Anal was counting the start of the challenge.

Jenna “I”ll take my clothes off for chocolate and peanut butter.”

Jeff offers Coke, peanut butter and Oreos if they’ll get give up and jump in. For some reason, (not that I’m complaining) Jenna pops off her top. She then says, “Heidi, just pull your pants down to your ankles.” Both Jenna and Heidi are now naked. It’s great, but it makes no real sense.

Butch says he’s not looking. Dave says he is. So am I. Jenna’s hot. Heidi’s got a nice rack, but she’s scary.

A few minutes later Roger gives up, though Anal made no offer of a reward if he quit, he jumps in. He might as well swim to the hotel.

A huge rainstorm comes an hour into it. Jeff offers pizza and Butch, Alex and Rob all jump in.

Anal “How long can you last Deena?”
Deena: I don’t care, I outlasted Roger.”

Matt and Dave jump in for Buffalo wings.

Jeff has one last off of spaghetti. Quisty wants “gawick bwead” but there isn’t any. The last two, her and Deena, decide to quit. But one has to jump in first. They play rock-paper-scissors. Quisty goes with scissors, Deena with rock.

Quisty: “Did I wuse?”

Oh, for chrissakes, you know sign language but you can’t play rock-paper-scissors?

Deena wins immunity and food.

Meanwhile, over on VH1 they are showing “Showgirls”. Showgirls? On real TV? After you cut out the sex and the nudity what’s left? It must be like ten minutes long. Blecch.

Rob is happy with the immunity challenge: “I said the only Roger is going to win immunity is if it was “name that Pery Como song” or “what kind of prune is this?”

Alex: “We had the best time, naked chicks, pizza, Roger was too dumb and jumped off and didn’t get anything.”

Deena is still going on about the stupid men stuff. Oh, shut up.

Roger: “The women are gone and it’s that simple. Things are falling into place, just as we planned it. It’s too good to be true.”

Jenna and Heidi say to the camera “We’re the Survivor girls gone wild.”

In a girls gone wild video, Heidi’s on the cutting room floor. Yikes.

Dave: “I Think that all four of the females realize they are going to be eliminated because the six makes are starting to stick together.”

Sure.

Rob: “I realized the other men are a bunch of jamoques. They have no idea the women are going to take them out. I know I’m going to be the last man standing. None of the rest of the men know what’s going on.”

It’s off to Tribal Council.

Anal asks Rob how the building of the new tribe and shelter went. Rob said, “Everybody had a part to play, if you didn’t know there were people to tell you what you should be doing. I guess it worked.”

Anal mocks Rob for being subservient. Rob says with a wink towards Heidi (not really, but he should have) “I like being subservient.”

Anal asks Deena what the women did while the men were building the shelter. “We had the opportunity to rebond with each other. That’s more important.” Rebond?

Roger: “You can’t have too many indians. (Tell that to Custer.) If there were more than four of us putting it together it wouldn’t have worked.”

Anal mocks Heidi and Jenna for getting naked and jumping for peanut butter. But they say it was worth it. They don’t seem to realize that they would have gotten the food without taking off their clothes. Morons.

Anal asks Roger why he was so confident that he could quit and not go for immunity.

Roger: “If I felt I needed it, I’d have given it my all.”

Everyone else snickers.

The votes come in and they are three for Quisty, at least six for Roger.

During the votes we see Deena say, “Reality check and mate. Never underestimate the power of a woman.”

Deena needs to get voted out. Now.

Rob does Casey Kasem impersonation: “Dear Casey there’s a mean old man in my life who needs to go away.” He then sings “Na na hey, hey.” What is he, a Sox fan?

Roger’s pissed. Jenna smiles.

Next week, Matt goes insane in the bush like Marlon Brando in “Apocalypse Now”. Heidi and Dave get together. Rob doesn’t like it.

In his final words, Roger says, “I am very strong and I am a leader and I can’t hold that back. I’m my own worst enemy because I’m strong willed. I”ll never see these people again in my life.”

Don’t forget the reunion show, moron.

—

“We now go live to Des Moines for the farm report, here’s Bobby Hill.” If this is a short trip for Bobby it’s worth it, if they really think Mark Grudzielanek is the answer at second this year, Dusty needs to be flogged.

Kerry’s over his ear infection and ready for opening day. What’s next, measels?

Chris Thomas and Jason Gardner go way back. Way back to Naptown. Naptown? Rack me!

Supposedly speedy Terrell Suggs ran a 4.9 40 yesterday. Yikes. Next!

Phil Rogers continues his White Sox love. I think Phil intentionally goes out of his way to favor the Sox to try and lose the Tribune Company shill for the Cubs rap. Regardless, Phil hasn’t had an original thought since 1987.

Pat Riley likes Eddy and Tyson. Yeah, you can’t have them. But you can have Eddie Robinson.

Mike Downey has a Duke chubby.

Angry Andy Bagnato has one for Kansas.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to prop up the Irish chances tonight.

Greg Couch with a good one Dwyane Wade. Not Dwayne, but Dwyane.

Mike Kiley says Kerry Wood’s mechanics are good. Hey, maybe I’ll go to them for an oil change.

Bobby Hill’s not the only Cub headed for Des Moines. Alan Benes and Rod Beck could make the trip, too.

Roy Williams won’t say no to UCLA just yet, and Ben Howland is basically saying yes.

Emmitt Smith doesn’t get it.

Dick Bennett’s style of basketball should be banned from the planet.

Why do these morons keep picking the Cubs to win the NL Central? Make it stop! Go away! Leave us alone! We’ll win our 83 games in peace.

Spanish-yes.com’s Tom Verducci makes his picks. He thinks Rey Ordonez is the most overrated player in the American League. This could only be true if you could find one person who thinks he’s good. At all.

Stewey is psyched for the West Regional.

EW on last night’s Survivor.

Don’t we think it’s inevitable that Iraq will start bombing their own buildings and people and blame it on us? We already know that their plan is to take our POWs into a bunker with Saddam (if he’s still alive) to keep us from bombing him anymore.

The soldiers named the airport they seized in Iraq, “Bush International Airport.” Saddam will love that.

A British marine got shot four times in the head and came out unscathed. Yikes.

America’s finest news source with the story of an Iowa woman who’s busy whipping up her famous war pie.