Spring training is underway and we know this to be so because Carlos Zambrano officially glared at his first hitter yesterday, Ron Santo and Pat Hughes still think it’s funny to not know who’s playing for the Cubs and Nomar took one off the hand.
We did our first CubsLive! of the season yesterday as only Desipio can. There was no TV coverage of the game and you couldn’t even get pitch-by-pitch gamecast updates on MLB.com or ESPN or anyplace. So it was just a bunch of smartasses making fun of the radio. Which, it turned out, is pretty damn fun.
A lot of you (OK, two of you) have wondered what the hell Karry is up to. Is he still out in Mesa? Is Pepe with him? What is he doing?
Well, you’re about to find out.
Hello again, everybody, your old pal Karry Ling here and Pepe and I were able to take in the Cubs’ Cactus League opener against the Philadelphia A’s over in Tempe. It was good to see the Cubs back in action.
Because I’m widely known around here as an award-winning journalist and sports expert, I get asked all the time, “Karry, how will the Cubs do this year without Sammy?”
The answer, like most things is complicated. Sure, Sammy was a great baseball player. But he was also a world class assclown. The past couple seasons, his tired act was about as appealing as a “Third Rock From The Sun” marathon on Nick at Nite. Defensively he won’t be missed. You could hang a glove on a coat rack and put it in right field and approximate his defense. On the bases, he wasn’t a disaster, but only because his buddy Moises was busy doing his Lonnie Smith impersonation all season. At the plate, he started (according to my math) 97.6 percent of his at bats last season down 0-2. In the clubhouse, the only way the Cubs would miss him would be if Jeromy Burnitz hired Anita Bryant to sit on a table in the corner and belt out her “hits.”
So I think the Cubs will do just fine.
An underrated facet of spring training in Arizona is that most of the teams train in or around Phoenix, which if you have a map, you know is close to Arizona State University’s campus in Tempe.
There’s more beaver at ASU than in Yellowstone. You can’t shake a tree without a hot chick falling out of her tank top. I love it here! I’m not coming back! Never!
Note to Andy. Send more money. Love, Karry.
Uh, thanks, Karry.
The thing about spring training is that it’s all about answering questions. Who’s going to be the fifth starter? Who’s going to win the leadoff spot? Who’s going to replace Gabor Bako as the whipping boy? But every team has questions, not just the Cubs. So as we did a little earlier on in the spring, we’re going to take the time to answer some of the new questions. Today, we’ll focus on the Cactus League.
Chicago White Sox
Ozzie Guillen looked a little two-faced when he ripped Magglio Ordonez for ripping the Sox on his way out the door, when back when the Sox dumped Ozzie as a player he took a flamethrower to the team on his way to Baltimore. Is Ozzie insane?
Ozzie’s not insane, he’s just stupid. And I don’t mean stupid in a “says things he should know better than to say” kind of way, but in a stupid “couldn’t add nine and four together without taking off his shoes kind of way.” This is a guy who thinks it’s a good idea to play his best second baseman at shortstop, his best centerfielder in left and to play Carl Everett at all. Don’t even get me started on how badly he’s screwed up Damaso Marte.
The Sox might sell their radio rights to The Score, what would the primary benefit be to Chicago sports fans?
If the Score is the home of the Sox and Blackhawks (assuming they ever actually play hockey again) it’ll be easy to just leave them off the radio presets in the car. That’ll come in handy!
Chicago Cubs
Who does Ron Santo have to blow to get into the Hall of Fame?
Kind of sounds like Tom Seaver wants him to start with him. I think I’d pass if I were Ron, and by “pass” I mean die.
No I don’t, I love Ron. Just went for the cheap joke there.
Like always.
If the Cubs half-assed solutions to their second bullpen lefty all falter (Will “Bad” Ohman, the Black Andy Pratt, Jimmy the Pizza Man, etc.) and they have to move Glendon Rusch to the ‘pen, who’s going to be the fifth starter?
They say they’re preparing Ryan Dempster to be a starter and then if they have to they’ll move him to the bullpen. Larry Rothschild says that it’s easier to cut a guy’s innings load (move him to the pen) than to increase it (throw him to the wolves). But the Meat Tray is also in the mix, of course. Hey, if he could shave two runs off his 2004 ERA he’d be…uh…mediocre!
Milwaukee Brewers
Who’s going to win the shortstop job, rookie JJ Hardy or second-year guy Bill Hall?
You don’t really care, do you? Does it matter? They’re the Brewers! Playing shortstop for them is about as relevant as playing banjo for Led Zeppelin.
The Brewers raised ticket prices for their home games against the Cubs and Yankees this year. What’s up with that?
It was dubbed “Operation, Balance Our Books on the Backs of Teams With Real Fans.”
San Diego Padres
Their general manager, Kevin Towers, said he was pretty sure that Ken Caminiti was on steroids when he had his MVP season for the Padres. Why didn’t Kevin do anything about it?
Hey, he did something. It’s called “turning your back.” The Cubs had a first baseman who drank and smoked and screwed fat girls every night, why didn’t they do anything about that? I mean other than market the hell out of him and his completely underdeveloped skills?
Why does it always get back to Mark Grace with you?
I was talking about Fred McGriff.
No you weren’t.
No, I wasn’t. I’ll admit it, my hatred for Markie manifested itself the night he finally won a World Series and the first words out of his mouth were about the Cubs. Why not enjoy the fact that you…you know…won the World Series?
Some of the Padres’ players (Ryan Klesko and Phil Nevin for two) are upset that the team built a new ballpark that makes it hard for them to hit homers in. Don’t they have a point?
No, they have no point…at all. Just how dumb would you be to build a ballpark tailored to the strengths of a couple of positionless “sluggers?” The park’s going to be there for a long time (well, the way owners work these days, 20 years), and they’ll be long gone while it’s still in use. Maybe, those two geniuses could figure out how to hit balls into the enormous gaps in that outfield and try and lead the league in doubles?
Seattle Mariners
How did they get so bad, so fast? And will the acquisitions of Richie Sexson and Adrian Beltre get them back in the hunt?
They got bad, fast, because their lineup got old and their young pitchers suffered through some arm injuries. Look, when you write out your opening day lineup and you’re hoping Rich Aurilia, Jon Olerud, Dan Wilson and Mark McLemore are going to get some big hits, you’re going to suck. Letting Carlos Guillen go, in hindsight, was kind of dumb, too. But they’ve still got Ichiro and they’ll add Sox castoff Jeremy Reed to the lineup with Richie and Adrian and if they get any kind of pitching they’ll be…adequate. Ooh, put that on the season ticket brochure!
Arizona Diamondbacks
Russ Ortiz? Royce Clayton? Craig Counsell…again? WTF?
Uh, you forgot Shawn Estes. Honestly, they could have used their money just as wisely by pouring lighter fluid on it and throwing matches at it. Then again, they’ve got Joe Garagiola, Jr. running the show. If you were going to hand the keys over to the progeny of a fill-in Today Show host, why not wait for me to knock up Campbell Brown?
Opening day, Javy Vazquez v. Kerry Wood. Excited?
I’m excited that Javy’s pitching, and so should fans in the left field seats hoping for souveniers.
Los Angeles Angels of Orange County California’s Anaheim, or whatever
How old is Steve Finley? Didn’t he used to play with Luis Salazar and Tim Flannery in San Diego?
You’re right, he got his start in San Diego…with Ted Williams when they were the San Diego Seals of the Pacific Coast League. Then the damn Japs bombed Pearl Harbor and things went all screwy.
I haven’t liked the Angels since I read that Dr. Seuss book about Bobby Grich stealing Christmas.
I…I got nothing.
Kansas City Royals
Am I remembering wrong, or were they almost good two years ago? What happened?
Last year they decided they were going to contend so they signed Juan Gonzalez and Matt Stairs and some other old stiffs and then they sucked for a month, and then gave up. Fun times in old KC.
All they got for Carlos Beltran was Mark Teahean and Mike Wood. I don’t even know who those guys are. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t put bags of flaming dog poo on Allard Baird’s doorstep every day.
You’re going to need a bigger dog.
Oakland A’s
Tim Hudson was going to be a free agent so I could see why they traded him, but why would they trade Mark Mulder instead of Barry Zito? I mean, they’re pretty much the same age, but Mulder’s better. Right?
An optimistic Cardinals’ fan (defined as one who buys socks in case he ever can afford shoes) will tell you that the A’s traded Mulder because they could get more for him. But A’s fans will tell you that Zito’s had much better second halves the last two years than Mulder. And he’s a year younger. And has played guitar on the Chris Isaak Show. So, hah!
The Moneyball draftees (Nick Swisher, Jeremy Brown, Joe Blanton, etc.) are starting to break into the big leagues now. Does this mean we’ll get to see if Billy Beane is a genius, or just a guy who drafts players whose asses look bad in jeans?
Beane gets a bad rap for that book. Kenny Williams is only in two of the chapters and he comes off as a much more pompous, brainless jagoff than Billy. In fact, Michael Lewis was going to write the book about the Sox front office, but Kenny’s kids kept stealing his car every time he’d park it in the visitor’s lot.
San Francisco Giants
How much could the Giants make if they let people bid on eBay for a chance to kick Barry Bonds in the groin during the seventh inning stretch of a game?
The US Treasury couldn’t print money fast enough to meet the need.
What is Barry’s obsession with Sanford and Son?
I’m pretty sure he looked at his outfield partners this year and thought they were Grady and Lamont.
Is it true the Giants have banned “greenies” from the clubhouse?
They haven’t banned them, they replaced them with Geritol.
Texas Rangers
Orel Hershiser did a good job with their pitchers last year. If they keep improving can they win the AL West?
I didn’t think so until I looked at their 40-man roster and remembered they have former Cubs’ reliever and soap opera star Ron Mahay! Now I think they’ll win the pennant.
Colorado Rockies
Honestly, if baseball just shuttered the Rockies franchise, would anybody really care?
Their fans can be adequately distracted with trail mix and granola bars. So, no.
Dee Brown was incredible last night. The improvement in his shooting range over last year is stunning. He says there’s only a 10% chance that he’ll go pro, but you have to wonder if his odds of making it in the NBA will ever be better. He’s not going to get any taller, which is the only limitation on the guy’s game.
Two days ago on Steve Dahl’s show he said that, “By the time Ron Santo gets into the Hall of Fame, he’ll have lost so many body parts, that they’ll just dip him in bronze and put him on the dais.”
Instead of bags of flaming dog poo, I suggest trying flaming bags of dog poo. Dog poo itself is hellishly difficult to light, I’ve found, whereas the bag is far more combustible and saves you having to try to scoop up a burning turd.
Dee Brown’s got an interesting choice to make. With Head gone this year, and Williams likely going into the NBA Draft, Dee could play out next year in college and run up some big stats as “the man” at Illinois, and possibly propel himself into the first round of the draft. Of course, there’s also the chance that he won’t do as well when facing constant double teams too.
Next year’s U of I team would consist of him and Augustine–the only other returner with any pt would be Rich McBride. He’d also be expected to handle the point all by himself–I don’t think that’s a recipe for putting up huge numbers.
Hey, we get Brian Randle back, and Warren Carter and the guy who transferred in from ISU. We’ll get Dee some wins.
I’m not saying they’d be bad if Brown came back. I’m saying I don’t see Brown’s stock being improved. Maybe Carter and Randle will be solid–but it’s a huge drop off from Head, Powell, and Williams.
But is it “likely” that Deron Williams is leaving? Last I read, he’s doing what Powell did last year and leaving his options open (declaring but not hiring an agent). He’d bolt if he figured to be a Top 15 pick, what I don’t know is where he stands in early mock NBA drafts.
If the Score gets the Sox, maybe they’ll bring me back to do pre- and post-game. I’ll work for Italian sausage and funnel cakes.
This is off the subject, but I TiVo’d the Comcast show “covering the bases” last night and Gail went on about the Cubs having the National leagues highest payroll and blah blah blah. Although this is true, 16 million of it is going to Sosa, leaving this years Cubs payroll at about 87 million dollars. Last years payroll was a little over 90 million. Leave it to the Tribsters to try and sell us on the “look at all the money we spent” theory and “leading the national league in payroll” crap when actually they did nothing in the offseason to get any better.
Sammy Sosa hit a solo home run in his Orioles Spring Training debut.
It was the only run in the O’s loss to the Marlins.
Welcome to Sosa-land, Baltimore! There’ll be plenty more where that came from!
CCB, does anyone really care what Gail says? I just care if she’s wearing a blouse with three buttons undone.
Good Dose, Andy.
I’m 1-0, bitches…Me and Kid Rock will be tearing it up in Motown this year…
If you use Internet Explorer, hover your mouse over the Sanford and Son photo and read the caption. Trust me.
HST, good point!!
Great Dose, Andy.
Great article, KD!
Andy, great dose. Why must you do this to me? Why not give some love to me and link my article? My stuff is better than anything Jay Marriotti writes.
By the way, did you know that Campbell Brown’s real first name is Esther.
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