Lorenzo Charles, you ain't.I will start, by reminding you for about the 1,234,324th time in eight years that I know nothing. Just a few days ago I told you that Illinois wouldn’t lose a game unless one of their three guards were kidnapped. I’m pretty sure that was Dee Brown, Deron Williams and Luther Head on the floor at the end of the Illini’s 65-64 loss yesterday. So, as always, I’m a dope.

As a life-long Illini basketball fan, the loss itself didn’t bother me too much. I didn’t want them to lose. I wanted them to keep poking their finger in the eye of every media lightweight who said they needed to lose, but the goal is to win the national championship, and last I checked, you don’t need to win every game to win that. You just need to win your last six in a row.

But I can’t shake the nagging feeling that this team needed to be undefeated. It was their identity. They were unbeatable. No matter what you threw at them, they could handle. Apparently, what they couldn’t handle was a fat post guy, a guy who looked like a Down’s Syndrome version of Keith Van Horn, and outside of Penn State, the worst collection of guards in the Big Ten.

But the game played out just like last year’s. Illinois got off to a good start and then cooled off, the Buckeyes charged back and the fat guy got so tired he looked like he was going to throw up on the court. But instead of Tony Stockman airballing another three, they went to Retarded Keith Van Horn and he made the shot of his life. Hey, it happens.

Will the Illini come back from this? Of course they will. Despite the fact that apparently they all cried at the sight of Jay Mariotti yesterday (but, then again, who doesn’t?), they’ll use it as motivation. They’ll still start in Indianapolis, with a pit stop in Chicago on their way to St. Louis. But it would have been nice to be undefeated. They’ve knocked down a peg to be sure. Let’s just hope it’s not one peg too many.

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Yesterday was a big day for the lefties who are trying to win the open bullpen spot for the Cubs. Jimmy Anderson got the start and let’s just say he didn’t earn any pizza. Well, maybe a sympathy slice. He was then followed by Stephen Randolph who didn’t walk anybody. Because they were too busy pounding him into submission. Will Ohman got torched too, and then Mike Wuertz came in to prove that righties can get lit up just as well as lefties.

I was listening to the game on the radio as Pat Hughes had a variety of fill-ins for a stomach-virus plagued Ron Santo. It was pretty interesting to listen to. He had Andy MacPhail, Jim Hendry, Jon Miller, Duane Kuiper and Miles stop by to handle an inning (or more) each.

I still wonder about WGN Radio’s half-assed approach to these Spring Training games, though. I’m not even sure that they give Pat a roster. At one point he asked, “Is this Neifi Perez?” I’m sure it was because he was wondering if they had a second guy on the roster wearing 13, but come on. What would it cost the Cubs to put a guy down by the dugout with a radio who could call up to a spotter in the booth with the changes?

Today’s Cubs-Rangers game is big for two reasons. One, it’s on ESPN, and two, Regular Joe is going to pitch at least one sweat-filled inning. He’s the only pitcher in the big leagues who leaves the game on a sunny day and is followed by the grounds crew pouring Diamond Dry all over the mound.

If Joe’s a reasonable facsimilie of his 2003 version. The bullpen works for the Cubs. You have LaTroy for the eighth, Chad Fox or Ryan Dempster for the seventh and Remlinger to come in and strike out righties and give up bombs to lefties. Wait…OK, that part needs work.

If Joe’s arm continues to fall off, then…there’s problems.

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Kurt Warner signed a one-year deal with the Cardinals yesterday, and some in Chicago are upset that the Bears couldn’t seal the deal with him. They’re right of course, because nobody fumbles or throws interceptions with the efficiency of the post 2002 Kurt Warner! Just think how much he could teach Craig Krenzel!

What the Bears are looking for is a third quarterback. Do you think anybody of any ilk, or pride, is going to sign on to sit behind Rex “I’ve made six starts and finished FOUR of them!” Grossman and Chad Hutchinson? Sounds like Jerry Angelo’s going to end up digging through his Rolodex for Matthews, Shane, again.

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CBS showed each game of their college basketball tripleheader in HD yesterday, as they warm up for the NCAA Tournament.

– Gus Johnson is even more annoying in high def, if that’s possible.
– Bill Self’s toupee is good, but not good enough to hide from 1080 lines of resolution.
– Quinn Snyder looks like somebody has been beating him in the face with a bamboo reed. Ouch.
– JJ Redick couldn’t get anymore open on my TV than yours.

For a while it looked like number one, number two (NC) and number three (Kentucky) were all going to lose within about four hours yesterday. One and three did, and so did Kansas. Which just proves that all Illinois did for 13 weeks was hide the fact that in one of the best college basketball seasons in memory, it’s going to be wide-freakin’ open in the tournament. It should be fun.

Don’t even get me started on Carolina with three losses passing Illinois with one in the polls, though. Ludicrous isn’t a strong enough word. But then, it really doesn’t matter where you’re ranked, now does it?