If you had March 9 in the your “inevitable Kerry Wood injury” pool, stop by the Poop Deck and pick up your winnings. Another year another injury for the world’s least durable phenom. If it wasn’t so predictable, it’d be sad. Instead it’s just the same old shit.
You feel bad for Kerry because he really is a tough guy by all accounts, but his money maker, his right arm, seems destined to constantly betray him. It’s like he was blessed with the ability to throw a baseball 100 miles an hour, but only after constant and massive tune-ups.
That said, if we actually thought the Cubs knew what they were doing, the news about the shoulder tightness that forced him out of his start wouldn’t be bad. He apparently suffered no pain, and decided to be “cautious” about things. But this is the same organization that gave us sunny, glowing, happy pronouncements about “minor” injuries to Mark Prior and Wood last year, only to see both of them miss months of action. We don’t have to remind you that the Cubs missed the playoffs by a whopping three games last year.
Maybe the new Cubs’ training staff is something north of incompetent. Maybe they actually know what they’re talking about. It’s possible. Then again, there are people pretty sure that time travel is possible. So who knows?
So far the Cubs karma has been completely opposite of last year. The Gladiator is in the headlines again, as he’s been subpeonaed by a Congressional committee to testify about steroid use. But he’s in Florida training with his new team, and we don’t even have to pretend to believe the nonsense he’ll spout. Nomar’s already been hit in the hand and he survived. Corey Patterson took a direct hit onto his knee and he’s up and walking and taking nourishment. So who knows? Until we hear otherwise we’re not going to panic.
But if we do hear otherwise we’ll be running naked through the streets screaming panicked obscenities. Hey, maybe we’ll run into Ryan Dempster?
———————
The Rick Ankiel story continues to entertain. Yesterday, since there was no game to play thanks to a March rainstorm in Florida, The Genius sat around his palacial spring training office, waxing nostalgic about the day he ruined Ankiel’s career.
What’s creepy about interviewing The Genius in his office is that not unlike a Bond villian he normally holds court with reporters will stroking a cat. But unlike Bond villians he will actually begin to spay or neuter it while answering questions. It can be quite distracting.
Anyway, here’s what The Genius had to say about his part in the ruination of a once promising lefty pitcher, the day he used him as a “surprise” starter in game one of the 2000 NLDS against Atlanta. LaRussa had previously announced that Darryl Kile was going to start the game, only to spring Ankiel on the Braves instead. And, as a note for clarity, DK57 was alive when this happened. I mean, the Braves are dumb, but not that dumb…
“I don’t have any regrets about starting Rick in game one. MEOW! In my mind, our only chance MEOW!to win that series was to pitch those two guys (Ankiel and Kile) four games” in a potential five-game series.MEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!
“We were at a real disadvantage. But Dave [Duncan] and I were excited MEEEOOWWWWWWWWW!that it gave us a chance to compete.
“I am bothered by the decision MEEOOOOWWWWW!to avoid the press conference. I thought it was in his best interest to avoid the press conference. I think that was a big mistake MEEEOOOWWWWW!and it bothers me a lot.
“I have this really strong MMEEEEOOOOWWWW!feeling for the thing to the extent there was anything about the situation that was a negative for him.”
“I know starting him in Game 1 was the best decision that we could’ve made. MEEOOWWWW!If he doesn’t start and we lose that playoff series, it would’ve been ridiculous,” La Russa said. “As for the press conference, could that have changed? Could that have gone another way? MMMEEEOOOWWWWWWW!He had been facing that sort of attention since high school. So I don’t think it was a real good move. That was a bad move on my part.”
I don’t know about you, but I found the bleeding cat to be a little distracting. Oh, well.
In today’s St. Louis Dogpatch…er, Post-Dispatch, Ankiel speaks about his decision and basically says that his elbow hurts again, and that he has to try and find a release point that makes his elbow feel good and then his control goes away and he’s screwed. So, instead of having another operation that may or may not fix the problem, he’s going to try and make it as a hitter. It’s not going to work, but hey, it’s tough to blame him.
Oh, by the way. Remember in late 2000 when former Cardinals’ catcher (the most overrated hack in recent baseball history) Mike Matheny cut his hand up with a hunting knife? (It was obviously a botched suicide attempt. He was trying to avoid the unwelcome coital advances of Lassie Edmonds.) Anyway, LaRussa blames that injury on Ankiel’s struggles.
It’s basically his way of saying, “Hey, on second thought, don’t blame me! Blame Carlos Hernandez!”
“The first pitch is right here,” La Russa said, holding a hand just above catcher’s head high. “Mike would have snatched it. But (Hernandez) ain’t even close.”
Now that just reeks of class, doesn’t it?
—————————–
We have to feature this. Because this is historic. Of all the crappy columns Phil Rogers has ever written (and there have been hundreds) this one sucks the worst. So here it is.
THE WORST PHIL ROGERS COLUMN…EVER!
Take a look at this steaming pile. How obvious is it that he had written a column about how Roland Hemond is encouraging minor league players to continue taking college courses? Then, the Ankiel news broke yesterday and instead of writing a column about it, he just awkwardly scabbed a few paragraphs about Rick into this? Oh, it’s a glorious mess.
Kerry Wood, once considered a future Cy Young Award winner, has decided to pursue a career as an outfielder, leaving the pitcher’s mound behind for good. The telling wording in a release by the Cubs was that Wood “has chosen to retire as a Major League pitcher.” He will begin working out as an outfielder immediately.
Manager Dusty Baker admitted he was “disappointed, dude.” Teammates expressed surprise.
Tomorrow’s news will be about how he ran into the wall and broke…everything.
Holy crap! I really suck!
Love the “It’s a Wonderful Life” reference. Good stuff, Mr. Potter err, I mean Mr. Dolan.
Potter’s the other guy who sits in a wheelchair, counts his money and roots for Duke.
Jimmy, that was good…
If Kerry catches diptheria, he can come see me for some poison–er, medicine. And send Todd Walker over to my pharmacy and I’ll slap his ear a few times.
Hey, how did the Rockies do last year?
Andy,
Call me.
George is here, mother and he’s making violent love to me!
–Honestly, isn’t that line a little lewd for this movie?–
Violet, your last name was Bick, you ignorant slut.
Screw you, you whore, Mary. If you weren’t so friggin’ frigid, maybe your husband wouldn’t be so inclined to do me personal favors.
Kerry Wood being a pussy yesterday was no surprise to this Cubs fan. I predicted this before the season that Kerry would be the biggest snatch on the team. He will make himself into Cub fans’ “Punching Bag or Fall Guy” this year.
That’s really great that he can have all these strikeouts but yet have his arm fall off. We might as well get ready to see both Mitre and Rusch/Dempster in the starting rotation a lot this year.
Like I said at the beginning of the year, there are two pieces of shit left from that 2001 roster(after we got rid of Sosa and Farnsworthless)-Patterson and Wood. Both of these guys will probably be included in many of the fans’ bitchfeasts this year. I already have a headache from what’s to come.
Enclosing, I believe we can still win without Kerry Wood. We proved it last year. Hopefully there will be another Rusch story to come along this year.
Go Cubs!
Baker Basher
What is Baker Basher enclosing? Cash? McDonalds coupons? What?
Thanks for your enclosure, Basher. But did you really want him to gut out a third inning in a meaningless March 9th spring training game?
This is a first. The first time two It’s a Wonderful Life characters have argued on Desipio.
Love,
Bert and Ernie
And yeah, we’re just as queer as our namesake Muppets!
I am not worried. Wood had a 3:30 pm tee time that needed attending to.
Blow it out your asses, you queers. You’re not fit for my ground-floor opportunity in plastics.
Hi Everybody! I appreciate Roland Hemond working with the University of Phoenix to make sure baseball players get educated. That was my safety school if I didn’t get into Upstairs Medical College.
Whatssa mattah, Sam? Youah dinnt giva us da “hee-haw.”
I realize the Cubs played an American League team yesterday, but that does not necessarily mean it was a World Series game. That being the case, it was a good idea for Wood to leave if things weren’t quite right.
If he had tried to pitch through the stiffness and suffered a long-term injury, Baker Basher, et al. would have roasted him for not being smart enough to come out of an exhibition game.
Cash register rings.
Karry: Ooh, good. Somebody JUST made it.
Andy: Huh?
Karry: Every time a bell rings, it means some angel just got his wings.
Andy (looking at Nick the bartender): Ah, look, uh, Karry, I don’t think you better talk about angels
around here.
Karry: Why? Don’t they believe in angels?
Andy: Oh, yeah, they believe in them, but, you know, it’s just, uh–
Karry: Then why should they be surprised when they see one?
Andy: Well, ummm (to Nick). Ah, don’t mind him, Nick. He’s just a little fella – he just never grew up. How old are ya, anyway, Clarence?
Karry: Two hundred ninety three, next May
Nick: THAT does it. Out you two pixies go, through the door, or out the win
Andy: Nick?!? What’s wrong.
Nick: That’s another thing. Where do you come off calling me Nick?
Andy: Well, Nick, that’s your NAME!
Nick: What’s that got to do with it? I don’t know you from Adam.
cubs.com has the new team mugshots up.
go see sergio mitre’s. now.
Seriously.
The only difference between George Bailey and me is that if they came to tell me that Mr. Bailey (the dad) had had a stroke they’d have a hard time finding me because I’d have jumped into Mary’s bush when her bathrobe fell off.
You can read that however you want.
Gotta agree with Johnny.
Sergio looks like he’s going to be tying damsels to the railroad tracks starting any day now.
Sergio kind of looks like Mark Ruffalo in “Collateral.”
http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/NASApp/mlb/team/player.jsp?player_id=429901
Not in a good way.
George Bailey = Joe Borowski
(Likeable everyman, ordinary average guy without whom, everything falls apart)
Harry Bailey = Mark Prior
(Hero, goes on to great success)
Nick the Bartender = Michael Barrett
(Always wants to fight)
Old Man Gower = Greg Maddux
(Old, whithered, but a helluva guy)
Clarence = Jim Hendry
(Guardian angel, has magical powers)
Uncle Billy = Dusty Baker
(Nutty; teeters between buffoon and life of the party)
Burt the Cop = Todd Walker
(Shoots him mouth off as if it were a gun)
Ernie the Cabbie = Nomar Garciaparra
(Happy, friendly, likeable, good singer)
The Bank Examiner = Jeromy Burnitz
(Dour, angry, bald, grumpy)
Mr. Potter’s Valet = Derrick Lee
(Stoic, silent, unmoving, all seeing)
Mr. Potter = Tribune company
(Richer than the Rockafellers and the meanest man in the county)
The Christmas Tree = Ron Santo
(Stands on a stump)
The Bridge = Jason Dubois
(Gets passed over)
I just gave up a bomb to some guy named dobbs. oops
Shouldn’t I be played by Chuck?
I was also in an episode of “Cheers”.
I owned the “Hungry Heffer” an dtried to burn it down, but Norm and Cliff wouldn’t let me.
When I was on Cheers I played a substitute bartender. And I used to play for the Cubs.
Norm fell in love with me when I cleaned out the taps.
Me hit home runs. Me love you long time, Mr. NL pitchers. Me hoping Asian put-on get Baker-san to notice me. Dude-san!
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