Ouch!If you had March 9 in the your “inevitable Kerry Wood injury” pool, stop by the Poop Deck and pick up your winnings. Another year another injury for the world’s least durable phenom. If it wasn’t so predictable, it’d be sad. Instead it’s just the same old shit.

You feel bad for Kerry because he really is a tough guy by all accounts, but his money maker, his right arm, seems destined to constantly betray him. It’s like he was blessed with the ability to throw a baseball 100 miles an hour, but only after constant and massive tune-ups.

That said, if we actually thought the Cubs knew what they were doing, the news about the shoulder tightness that forced him out of his start wouldn’t be bad. He apparently suffered no pain, and decided to be “cautious” about things. But this is the same organization that gave us sunny, glowing, happy pronouncements about “minor” injuries to Mark Prior and Wood last year, only to see both of them miss months of action. We don’t have to remind you that the Cubs missed the playoffs by a whopping three games last year.

Maybe the new Cubs’ training staff is something north of incompetent. Maybe they actually know what they’re talking about. It’s possible. Then again, there are people pretty sure that time travel is possible. So who knows?

So far the Cubs karma has been completely opposite of last year. The Gladiator is in the headlines again, as he’s been subpeonaed by a Congressional committee to testify about steroid use. But he’s in Florida training with his new team, and we don’t even have to pretend to believe the nonsense he’ll spout. Nomar’s already been hit in the hand and he survived. Corey Patterson took a direct hit onto his knee and he’s up and walking and taking nourishment. So who knows? Until we hear otherwise we’re not going to panic.

But if we do hear otherwise we’ll be running naked through the streets screaming panicked obscenities. Hey, maybe we’ll run into Ryan Dempster?

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The Rick Ankiel story continues to entertain. Yesterday, since there was no game to play thanks to a March rainstorm in Florida, The Genius sat around his palacial spring training office, waxing nostalgic about the day he ruined Ankiel’s career.

What’s creepy about interviewing The Genius in his office is that not unlike a Bond villian he normally holds court with reporters will stroking a cat. But unlike Bond villians he will actually begin to spay or neuter it while answering questions. It can be quite distracting.

Anyway, here’s what The Genius had to say about his part in the ruination of a once promising lefty pitcher, the day he used him as a “surprise” starter in game one of the 2000 NLDS against Atlanta. LaRussa had previously announced that Darryl Kile was going to start the game, only to spring Ankiel on the Braves instead. And, as a note for clarity, DK57 was alive when this happened. I mean, the Braves are dumb, but not that dumb…

“I don’t have any regrets about starting Rick in game one. MEOW! In my mind, our only chance MEOW!to win that series was to pitch those two guys (Ankiel and Kile) four games” in a potential five-game series.MEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWW!

“We were at a real disadvantage. But Dave [Duncan] and I were excited MEEEOOWWWWWWWWW!that it gave us a chance to compete.

“I am bothered by the decision MEEOOOOWWWWW!to avoid the press conference. I thought it was in his best interest to avoid the press conference. I think that was a big mistake MEEEOOOWWWWW!and it bothers me a lot.

“I have this really strong MMEEEEOOOOWWWW!feeling for the thing to the extent there was anything about the situation that was a negative for him.”

“I know starting him in Game 1 was the best decision that we could’ve made. MEEOOWWWW!If he doesn’t start and we lose that playoff series, it would’ve been ridiculous,” La Russa said. “As for the press conference, could that have changed? Could that have gone another way? MMMEEEOOOWWWWWWW!He had been facing that sort of attention since high school. So I don’t think it was a real good move. That was a bad move on my part.”

I don’t know about you, but I found the bleeding cat to be a little distracting. Oh, well.

In today’s St. Louis Dogpatch…er, Post-Dispatch, Ankiel speaks about his decision and basically says that his elbow hurts again, and that he has to try and find a release point that makes his elbow feel good and then his control goes away and he’s screwed. So, instead of having another operation that may or may not fix the problem, he’s going to try and make it as a hitter. It’s not going to work, but hey, it’s tough to blame him.

Oh, by the way. Remember in late 2000 when former Cardinals’ catcher (the most overrated hack in recent baseball history) Mike Matheny cut his hand up with a hunting knife? (It was obviously a botched suicide attempt. He was trying to avoid the unwelcome coital advances of Lassie Edmonds.) Anyway, LaRussa blames that injury on Ankiel’s struggles.

It’s basically his way of saying, “Hey, on second thought, don’t blame me! Blame Carlos Hernandez!”

“The first pitch is right here,” La Russa said, holding a hand just above catcher’s head high. “Mike would have snatched it. But (Hernandez) ain’t even close.”

Now that just reeks of class, doesn’t it?

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We have to feature this. Because this is historic. Of all the crappy columns Phil Rogers has ever written (and there have been hundreds) this one sucks the worst. So here it is.

THE WORST PHIL ROGERS COLUMN…EVER!
Take a look at this steaming pile. How obvious is it that he had written a column about how Roland Hemond is encouraging minor league players to continue taking college courses? Then, the Ankiel news broke yesterday and instead of writing a column about it, he just awkwardly scabbed a few paragraphs about Rick into this? Oh, it’s a glorious mess.