Sure our scouts are full of Wild Turkey and we pay them in Pall Malls, but they know their baseball. Yesterday, we toured the American League for you. Today, it’s time to take on the real league.

National League Preview

National League East

Philadelphia Phillies
2002 Record: 80-81, 21.5 games behind ATL

Scientists have proven that monkeys will favor a shiny metal object over a dull object every time. Consider the Phillies as our shiny metal object this year. Take a team that finished 20 games out of first place, give them a slugging first baseman, an overrated utility player at third base and a brand new ace pitcher and they get very exciting, right?

Actually, the reason they’re our pick for first place in the NL East is because they finally got rid of Doug Glanville.

What troubles us (me, actually) is that the Phillies think the net effect of trading Scott Rolen for basically Placido Polanco and then signing David Bell leaves them coming out ahead. That’s so wrong on so many levels.

The Phillies do have good, young pitching. They also have Kevin Millwood whom they received in a trade for Johnny Estrada.

Johnny Estrada?

Our scouts take: Jim Thome will be great for them for two years, then they’re going to wonder why they’re still paying a guy with a bad back for three more years… They’re going to miss Travis Lee–yeah, I can’t even say that with a straight face… Jimmy Rollins is the best shortstop in the National League, so that makes him about the 14th best in baseball… Randy Wolf is a great second half pitcher–they ought to tear April and May off his calendar… Mike Lieberthal had a good year for a guy with a broken pelvis… They’re finally going to give Marlon Byrd a shot in center field. I think they had to get rid of Marlon Anderson so Larry Bowa wouldn’t’ get confused… Jose Mesa’s a great closer–this is still 1996, right?… David Bell’s a good utility player, he’s never had a really good year as a regular… Placido Polanco is pretty good, but I’m more of a Pavarotti fan, myself.

Atlanta Braves
2002 Record: 101-59, first place NL East

The Braves have won every NL East race since 1991. That’s amazing. They do it with a deep farm system and through making shrewd trades. That’s what made the Kevin Millwood for Johnny Estrada trade so puzzling.

The Braves aren’t dumb. If they traded an 18 game winner for a backup catcher, chances are the arm is going to fall off the 18 game winner.

That’s not to say they haven’t traded some guys who’ve eventually become good players. Jason Schmidt, for example. Ryan Klesko. Jermaine Dye. Micah Bowie. You get the idea.

Our scouts take: Mike Hampton is obviously a huge key for them. He’ll never be as bad as he was in Colorado, but he was overrated a little bit before that. He walks a lot of guys, and the Astrodome’s not used for baseball anymore… Vinny Castilla has no business being in the lineup anymore. Even Bobby Cox ought to be bright enough to see that. Either move Chipper Jones back to third, or just play Mark DeRosa there… Andruw Jones is a great player, but it doesn’t seem to bother him that he could still be better… Javy Lopez is shot, plus he’s got an enormous head. I honestly don’t know where they find a helmet for him… Robert Fick really sures up first base for them. He gives them a below average glove and yet another righthanded bat that they really didn’t need… John Smoltz bitches about being a closer, and it’s pretty much because when he’s a starter he knows what four days of every week he’ll be able to golf… Greg Maddux looks like he’d be so easy to hit. Too bad nobody’s actually done it for 15 years… They won’t miss Tom Glavine. He’s one guy they let go a year early instead of a year too late… Rafael Furcal is the prime example of a guy who went from hotshot youngster to mediocre veteran with one check of his birth certificate.

Florida Marlins
2002 Record: 79-83, 23 games behind ATL

Those of us who’ve followed Chicago baseball over the years never knew quite what to make of Jeff Torborg when he was in town. Was he an intuitive manager who squeezed every last bit out of overachieving clubs, or was he a meddlesome micromanager who stunted the growth of young players? Given his short, but disastrous run in New York, you’d have thought the latter, but he actually has done pretty well in stints with the Expos and now Marlins since then.

What Torborg has developed though, is an insane devotion to stealing bases. He’s like Whitey Herzog without the flattop or the charm. The fact that the Marlins will start the season with the two best base stealers in the National League would be impressive, if it wasn’t so wholly unnecessary. If you have Luis Castillo you have no need for Juan Pierre. And yet, the Marlins have both.

What it means is a lot more overaggressiveness on the bases and a lot more instances of productive hitters like Mike Lowell and Derek Lee taking strikes early in the count so that runners have more chances to steal.

The only people likely to be happy about Torborg’s insane devotion to the outdated religion of base stealing are fantasy baseball owners. Not exactly the constituency a Major League manager needs to be concerning himself with.

Our scouts take: This team has some young, great arms, and it’s a good thing they have a level headed leader like Julian Tavarez around to show them how to karate kick opponents… Juan Pierre would be great if he could hit, or take a walk… Luis Castillo has the worst left-handed swing I’ve ever seen. It’s a good thing he can beat out infield hits from that side… Todd Hollandsworth? Why not just bring back Todd Dunwoody. There’s no difference… Juan Encarnacion is a lot of people’s picks for a breakout season. I think it could happen, too. If baseball outlaws the curveball… AJ Burnett has blister problems—some guys worship Kerry Wood too literally… I can’t wait for Mark Redman to pitch to Mike Redmond–like the morons who go to Marlins’ games need more chances to get confused… Pudge Rodriguez was an interesting signing for them. They let good players leave for financial reasons and then throw $10 million at a guy they don’t need… If Encarnacion gets hurt, their outfield will be Pierre, Hollandsworth and Abraham Nunez–I’ve seen beer leagues with better outfields.

Montreal Expos
2002 Record: 83-79, 19 games behind ATL

Bud’s Folly rolls on for another year in a city that doesn’t want them. It’s amazing that baseball had an entire calendar year to find the Expos a new home and didn’t. Why not just let them play the whole year in Puerto Rico? As it is they’ll play more than 20 games in Hiram Bocachica Stadium (Bithorn–whatever) and almost 60 in the land of the uppity pseudo-French in Quebec. Just gives the fans up there 60 shots a year to boo our anthem. I’m serious, if they keep this up, we’ll stop bluffing and really make Alec Baldwin go live there. You hear us Canada?

The Expos can’t decide what to do. Do they keep their players and try and make the team more attractive to potential buyers, or do they trade them and go cheap? The Cubs have a jones for Michael Barrett and they’d really like to know.

As it is, there’s talent in Montreal. But not as much as there was at the end of last season. But then, that’s been the refrain up there for almost nine years now.

Our scouts take: They were down to one Guerrero again, so they decided to go with two Hernandez’s… Livan’s 28 and El Duque’s 33? Yeah, and Bob Hope just turned 56… They have the best catching platoon in the big leagues and yet they have the worst corner infielders on the planet… Their two best trading chips are Jose Vidro and Javier Vazquez, but they’re both from Puerto Rico and Major League Baseball wants them on the team all year to help sell tickets for their home games there. Nice… Jeff Liefer can’t play… Wil Cordero? He hasn’t hit anything hard since they dug the phone out of this wife’s cranium… They have a good double play combination in Vidro and Orlando Cabrera, but now both of them have had back problems, and playing on that painted concrete in Olympic Stadium won’t help… Frank Robinson did a decent job with these guys last year, but the more talent he had the worse he did with it… It’s an absolute joke that Major League Baseball owns them for a second straight season. Bud Selig has enough trouble with the Brewers, like he needs another toy?

New York Mets
2002 Record: 75-86, 26.5 games behind ATL

The Mets have no clue. None. They make a good move, like signing Cliff Floyd and then they throw money out the window on Tom Glavine. Mo Vaughn lost 20 pounds and still looks like he just downed half a side of beef. Roberto Alomar hit the wall hard last year. Jeromy Burnitz and Roger Cedeno are hilariously bad. In short, it’s fun to watch the Mets get their brains beaten in, and we’ll get to see it a lot.

But wait, they do have Ty Wigginton. (snicker, snicker)

Our scouts take: They traded one Rey who couldn’t hit (Ordonez) for another (Sanchez). It’s sad that it’s actually a sign of progress… Mo Vaughn casts a pretty big shadow over at first base. In fact, you can’t get a tan down the rightfield line if he’s playing… Mike Piazza is still the greatest offensive catcher of all time, but his body is starting to tell the tale. He needs to become a first baseman, pronto… Ty Wigginton is fun to say… Tommy Glavine has won more games with average stuff than anybody, ever. If he ever gets elected into the Hall of Fame, I think I’ll shoot myself. He won’t do well in New York, because he’s old and he doesn’t have much left… He earned a big contract last year on the strength of a good first half, but after the All-Star Break his ERA went up almost two full runs and he only struck out 52 guys in 94 innings and walked 43… Armando Benitez throws gas, but ask anybody in that bullpen and they’ll tell you, he has gas, too… Art Howe’s head is pointy.

National League Central

St. Louis Cardinals
2002 Record: 97-65, first place NL West

The Cardinals have the National League’s most complete offense, even if the wheels appear to be falling off Fernando Vina (thank God). While they’ll score plenty of runs, there is still hope for those of us who hate them. They still have The Genius in the dugout, and they have one lousy pitching staff.

Tony LaRussa thinks he’s a great manager. Because of this, he finds it impossible to make the obvious move. If he makes the obvious move, he can’t get writers to glow over him. So instead, he tries to reinvent the game. This works out great. If you’re an opponent. Just ask the Giants and Diamondbacks who in the last two years have benefited greatly from Tony’s postseason acumen. In fact, ask Lou Piniella and Tommy Lasorda. They’ve both got World Series rings because of that very thing.

As for the pitching, when you’re relying on Jason Simontacchi to do the impossible again, or Brett Tomko to finally get it together and you don’t think Woody Williams is about to collapse under the weight of his own ineptitude—well, you’re Walt Jocketty, apparently.

Our scouts take: We had our doctors examine Scott Rolen last year and it’s true, he’s actually made out of paper mache. It’s the only explanation as to how colliding with a 130 pound middle infielder could put him out for a month last October… Tino Martinez has nothing left. The mere fact that the Cardinals refuse to make Albert Pujols the full-time first baseman and then go find a left fielder is a mystery… Joe Girardi has even less left than Tino. At this point in his career he is a legitimate candidate for the most useless player in the game… Jim Edmonds is an ass… Jason Isringhausen can’t read a stop sign… I have Darren Baker rated higher than Kannon Kile in every category (cuteness, intelligence, athletic ability for a four year old, and most importantly as a good luck charm). Honestly, Kannon brings nothing to the table. I think the Cardinals should not only ban him from the dugout, but also from the stadium entirely. I think the kid’s bad luck… Matt Morris is their ace, but LaRussa has taken five years off his career… JD Drew is going to be 28 this year and his knees will be in their early 40s… Brett Tomko has the stuff to be good, but the mental toughness of a bowl of lime Jello.

Houston Astros
2002 Record: 84-78, 13 games behind STL

They have no clue, do they? For all of the talent the Astros have, when it comes to putting it all together, they’re like Bobby Sura with a jigsaw puzzle. They needed a manager last year so they went out and brought in Jimy Williams, the man missing an ‘m’ and the ability to get more than 85 wins out of any team. This year they brought in Jeff Kent to add some offense and they decided they needed to bend over backwards to find a lineup spot for washed up, gay porn star Craig Biggio?

Not only is Biggio not an outfielder, but why not just play Jason Lane (who can actually hit) in center field and make Biggio become a utility infielder? If you really need Biggio in the lineup, make Kent play third and put Geoff Blum on a bus to New Orleans, where he belongs?

I can’t imagine being an Astros fan. They have a team full of talent and no clue as to how to fit any of it together. It’s kind of like how us Bulls fans will feel every year for the next seven years.

Our scouts take: I’m going to miss Lance Berkman in center because he may not have caught a lot of flyballs but he sure killed a lot of grass… Jeff Bagwell and Frank Thomas were born on the exact same day, and now that Bagwell’s had major shoulder surgery they both throw like girls… There is no good reason why Brad Ausmus should be an every day Major League catcher… They actually think Brian Moehler can pitch. Just wait until they see how many balls the fans in left field seats fight over when he’s pitching… Jeff Kent gets a bad rap because he whined a lot in San Francisco–and frankly, he deserved it. He doesn’t want to play third base, but it’s the only position he’s actually any good at… Julio Lugo is the worst baserunner in the world… Jason Lane can rake, but they’d rather give his at bats to Orlando Merced.

Chicago Cubs
2002 Record: 67-95, 30 games behind STL

You can’t really blame the Cubs for not going for the quick fix yet again and throwing big money at aging players like Jim Thome and Ivan Rodriguez, when this team won’t be truly good for another two years. But then, they go out and send Bobby Hill back to Iowa and find roster spots for geezers like Lenny Harris, Tom Goodwin and Troy O’Leary. They make a commitment to Mark Grudzielanek and Eric Karros at the expense of Hill and Hee Seop Choi. In short, they’re the same old Cubs. They’re just, plain, stupid.

In the long run, this might actually all work out. The talent is there, especially in the pitching staff. No team outside of the Bronx can match them 1-5 in the starting rotation, and only Oakland has a collection of three better young studs. But the offense is not only just bad, it’s clueless and the addition of Gary Matthews as the hitting coach is like sending Ben Affleck to rehab at Robert Downey’s house.

For 2003, the prognosis isn’t great. The bullpen is improved (thought it could hardly have gotten any worse), the defense is better (ditto) and the offense is the same old crap.

In short, there’s a good chance the boobs on the field will be bigger than he boobs in the bleachers again this year at Wrigley.

Our scouts take: Jim Hendry did a great job in getting Dusty Baker to come to Chicago. Dusty’d probably appreciate it if Jim would actually find a bat or two to go with him… How sad is it that they sent Bobby Hill to AAA because he wasn’t hitting, but now their two choices at second–Ramon Martinez or Mark Grudzielanek–actually had worse springs than Bobby did?… Hee Seop Choi is the kind of prospect the Cubs need, the kind they can’t screw up… Mark Prior has Cy Young stuff, already… Kerry Wood might as well get used to the “never going to live up to the hype” tag he’s going to carry with him for eternity. He can be a good pitcher, but he gets sick and hurt too much to ever be great… Matt Clement is proof yet again why Jeff Loria should not be allowed to own baseball teams… Kyle Farnsworth is too good to be that bad again…Huh?… Troy O’Leary hit better than .400 in Spring Training, it’s the highest average ever for a player who is already clinically dead… Paul Bako is the left-handed version of Joe Girardi, and I don’t mean that in any way to be thought of as a positive… Antonio Alfonseca will have six fingers on both hands and a six figure ERA this year… Moises Alou should just change his name to “I don’t give a s@#$.”… Alex Gonzalez has done pretty well for a guy determined to only ever scratch the surface of his talent… Eric Karros spends so much time on the DL I think he thinks it stands for Diane Lane.

Cincinnati Reds
2002 Record: 78-84, 19 games behind STL

Hiring Bob Boone to be your manager is like hiring Toonces to be your chauffeur. (Kudos to me for making a vague 1992 reference there). You know disaster is imminent. This year, Boone is convinced he needs to screw up his outfield. Not content to have three five tool players out there in Ken Griffey the Lesser, Austin Kearns and Adam Dunn, he wants Barry Larkin to learn to play there, too. He also wants to bat the 6’6, 250 pound Dunn leadoff from time to time. He already moved his overrated son, Aaron from third, where he was actually decent to second base where he’ll no doubt suck ass.

On top of that, the Reds have the worst pitching staff in the world. Even Texas can look at the Reds starters and laugh. Danny Graves brings the world’s most incredible mullet with him to the rotation in a move so doomed to fail completely that the guys who produced “I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here” can even laugh at them.

Our scouts take: Only Jim Bowden would take a decent, cheap starter like Elmer Dessens and give him away. I’ve never seen a more scatter brained GM in my life. He must be banging the housekeeper again… It used to be people liked to watch Ken Griffey, Jr. succeed. Now we watch the games hoping he’ll be struck by lightning, or get eaten up by the infield tarp… Austin Kearns is good… Adam Dunn got caught up in trying to hit every ball 600 feet last year. He can miss a pitch and still hit it about 500 feet… Thank God they didn’t let Pokey Reese get away in the Griffey trade—oh, never mind… Felix Heredia made the team. Excuse me while I go outside and laugh until my eyes bleed… Paul Wilson’s elbow scars have scars… I like Corky Miller, he was great in “Life Goes On”…

Wily Mo Pena’s little brother is named Wily Less Pena… I’d like to see Felipe Lopez overthrow Juan Castro for the last spot on the roster.

Pittsburgh Pirates
2002 Record: 72-89, 24.5 games behind STL

David Littlefield took this team over two years ago from the sissily named Cam Bonifay and found himself stuck with more bad contracts than at the end of MoTown Records. I’ve never understood why sports teams would rather suffer with a guy who can’t play and make a lot of money than just cut his ass and mail him his check.

I mean you, Kevin Young.

At least they did that with Derek Bell last year. But I think we all missed out on a great chance to see “Operation Shutdown” in action.

The Pirates looked at their team this spring and said, “We need some old brittle guys!” So they went out and signed Reggie Sanders and Kenny Lofton. Lofton is, of course, the only centerfielder in the game who can’t throw the ball to the cutoff man, because it’s always too far… Sanders has hit well the last two years, when he’s not covered in ice from head to toe… The Devil Rays cut Greg Vaughn instead of trying to find a place to play him, why won’t the Pirates do that with Kevin Young?… Jason Kendall should thank his lucky stars for the day he signed that ridiculous contract… Jack Wilson can’t hit anything… Aramis Ramirez managed to let a sprained ankle bother him for four months last year. Way to go, Aramis!… Kris Benson will be back to full strength this year and he derives inspiration from Kerry Wood, another feminely named Tommy John survivor… Lloyd McClendon took a base with him back to the dugout once. That was cool… I like their uniforms… Mike Williams will never do that again… Kip Wells really is that good. I’m not so sure about Josh Fogg.

Milwaukee Brewers
2002 Record: 56-106, 41 games behind STL

This team is so bad it’s downright scary. Two years ago people bought tickets so they could see the new park. Last year they bought them so they could get All-Star Game tickets. This year? The Brewers might as well market this team as, “Come see the Brewers, the opponents have good players!”

Richie Sexson is as good as it gets for Milwaukee. He’s good, but he’s not that good. Geoff Jenkins put his ankle back together, but his numbers have been diving in recent years. Jeffrey Hammonds is a human bruise. Alex Sanchez can run, but he can’t field and doesn’t seem to care to. Royce Clayton? Wes Helms? Todd Ritchie? It’s so bad it’s downright funny.

Our scouts take: They decided they didn’t want Jose Hernandez anymore, which was curious, but Royce Clayton? He’s a head case and he can’t hit… Eric Young had an awful first month, and then a decent season, but he’s no Elvis Pena… Wes Helms is going to make Brewers fans forget Greg Brock… Ned Yost is the manager? Really?… They have cut down on the number of ex-Cubs this year, but even that won’t save them… Keith Ginter might end up playing a lot for them. That’s not a good sign… Ben Sheets deserves better than this… Their farm system is getting better, but then, it couldn’t have gotten worse.

National League West

San Francisco Giants
2002 Record: 95-66, 2.5 games behind ARI, NL Wild Card

Thanks to the miracle of satellite TV, a two hour time difference and announcers I like, I spend a lot of time watching the Giants, and so I was happy to see their run at the World Series last year. But how can they expect to make another run without Jeff Kent, Russ Ortiz, Dusty Baker, Darren Baker, Reggie Sanders, Colonel Sanders, Sander Vanocher, David Bell, David Fisher, Claire Fisher or Fred Claire? Huh?

Where was I? Oh, yeah, the Giants changes.

Dusty’s gone and Felipe Alou is in. Felipe’s always been overrated, but he might actually be a good fit for this team. Ray Durham is on hand to kick the ball around at second and if Edgardo Alfonso’s back holds up at third, the infield might actually be better than last year. They really need to do something about JT Snow, since he can’t hit.

In the outfield, that Barry Bonds guy is good, Marquis Grissom is a joke in center and Jose Cruz, Jr. might really dig hitting right in front of Barry. If he can’t, he’ll never hit anywhere.

Pitching wise, they’ll be better off without Livan Hernandez, though I have no idea why they got rid of Russ Ortiz.

Our scouts take: JT Snow has kept a starting job for ten years in the big leagues and he’s never really been able to play. That’s amazing. He’s a great fielder, but come on. Remember when he used to switch hit? It was hilarious… Benito Santiago died during the World Series and nobody had the heart to tell him. Sad, but true… Robb Nen’s shoulder fell off in the World Series, too… They’re going to miss Darren Baker, because the only thing gay baseball fans like more than players in tight pants are cute little black kids… Marquis Grissom? Come on, this is pushing it, isn’t it?… Barry Bonds has lost about 20 pounds. Don’t think that had anything to do with the steroid testing this year?… Jason Schmidt has finally harnessed his talent. Now if he could just find a hat that fit… I miss Bobby Estallela… Edgardo Alfonso will do fine, until his bad back forces him to play third base in a Rascal… The best thing about them going to the World Series last year is that the Cardinals didn’t.

Arizona Diamondbacks
2002 Record: 98-64, first place AL West

If Elmer Dessens is the answer, what was the question? Last year the Diamondbacks limped into the playoffs when Luis Gonzalez fell down and went boom on the warning track in St. Louis. This year they are determined to avoid that. So they added…uh, nobody to their offense.

Sure they’re going to have Lyle Overbay at first base (whatever) and a healthy Danny Bautista in right (as if that will help), but really this is the same team that couldn’t score a freakin’ run in the playoffs last year. When you take away the inexplicable career year from pseudo-rookie Junior Spivey and factor in the inevitable slide back to reality from Steve Finley, there’s no way this team can win 98 games again. Eighty-eight is more like it.

Our scouts take: You’ve got to hand it to Mark Grace, he drank and smoked and schtupped his way through a dozen years in the big leagues and still won a World Series. Nicely played… Curt Schilling lost 20 pounds in the offseason, so now he’s only 40 pounds overweight… Randy Johnson is an ostrich. I’m serious. Somebody needs to do a DNA test on this freak… Byung Hyun Kim is going to move from one of the game’s best closers to one of the game’s most average fourth starters. Another stroke of genius from Bob Brenley’s mustache… Matt Williams is still playing? Really?… They missed Craig Counsell last year. That showed how bad their offense was… Elmer Dessens is great if you need a guy to go five innings and throw 140 pitches… Matt Mantei is only the closer because his paycheck is so big. If they have any brains they’ll either move Kim back there or give the job to Bret Prinz… What exactly does Quinton McCracken do, anyway?

Los Angeles Dodgers
2002 Record: 92-70, six games behind ARI

The Dodgers won 92 games last year and in an effort to make sure they wouldn’t come close to that they traded for Todd Hundley and signed Fred McGriff as a free agent. The biggest lock in Vegas ought to be that the Dodgers don’t win 81 games this year.

It’s too bad, because for once, the Dodgers have a likeable team. They’ve got guys like Brian Jordan, Shawn Green, Paul LoDuca and Joe Thurston. But then they go and bring in frat boy Hundley and coma victim McGriff?

If this were a chemistry experiment, GM Dan Evans would have just blown off his eyebrows.

Our scouts take: The only defense for the Hundley for Grudzielanek and Karros trade is if Dan Evans just figured that one stiff was less of a burden than two. Hundley is useless. No bat speed, no strike zone judgment, he can’t throw and doesn’t move well behind the plate. Other than that, he’s fine… Shawn Green probably needs to move to first, he doesn’t run as well as he used to, and he’d be a better alternative than McGriff… Fancy Fred can’t get around on average fastballs, and he won’t have the short power alley and Wrigley basket to aim at this summer… Ishii was throwing almost every day between his starts last year. That’s just stupid… Paul LoDuca proved that 2001 was a fluke… Brian Jordan rescinded his trade demand when the Dodgers signed McGriff. Let’s remember he should never, ever be a GM… Kevin Brown will be back this year, but it’s hard to believe he’ll have the life on his fastball and sinker again… Darren Dreifort might be a better option at first than McGriff.

Colorado Rockies
2002 Record: 73-89, 25 games behind ARI

For reasons known only to them, the Rockies eschewed power hitters a few years ago and went with a contact and speed approach. That flopped and now they’ve stocked the lineup with swing hard and close your eyes guys like Jose Hernandez and Preston Wilson.

The problem of course, in Colorado is that your pitchers go insane trying to get people out in the high altitude and low gravity (gravity–hey, go with it) of Coors Field.

The Rox did manage to get out from under Mike Hampton’s contract, though they’re stuck with the completely useless Denny Neagle. But hey, it’s something.

Our scouts take: The Rockies moved Ben Petrick to left field, which makes no sense. He doesn’t hit well enough to be of value anywhere but behind the plate… Jose Hernandez won’t strike out more at altitude, but he won’t strike out less, either… Preston Wilson should have a good year, though he might develop a hernia trying to catch every fly ball in the outfield… I loved Gabe Kapler in “Welcome Back Kotter,”… Ron Belliard made the team? Woof… Todd Helton’s back and Larry Walker’s—everything—need to stay healthy… Jose Jiminez is a good closer, and he could dominate on a team that played its home games on Earth… If they start the season with Chris Stynes at third base, they might as well run up the white flag.

San Diego Padres
2002 Record: 66-96, 32 games behind ARI

The Padres are just trying to get through this season before their new park named after a popular pet supply store opens up in a year. So far, so bad. Phil Nevin fell down and went boom. Trevor Hoffman’s arm fell off. Lou Merloni and Dave Hansen made the team. Jesse Orosco made the team. Wow. This has last place written all over it.

San Diego needs to decide what to do with Sean Burroughs. He’ll never hit like a third baseman, but he might be too chunky and stiff to be a second baseman. They traded for Rondell White, because, apparently, they were thin at “disabled list outfielder.” Not only that, but they traded a guy, in Bubba Trammell who can actually hit. Oh my.

On the plus side, Oliver Perez can pitch, and so can Brian Lawrence and Adam Eaton.

Our scouts take: Bobby Cox must look at first base in Atlanta and want to scream, “Where is Ryan Klesko?!”… Mark Kotsay’s a tough guy, but he’s really just an average player… Sean Burroughs needs to be given a job and just left alone. The Padres love to shuffle guys all over the field (Klesko in left and first, Nevin at third, first and the outfield, etc.) but young guys need to get a position and some at bats… Brian Lawrence could have won 18 games last year with any luck… I like Dennis Tankersley, and I’ll bet Rick Manning wants to get a look at his wife (obscure 1970s Indians joke)… Brandon Villafuerte can deal… If Ramon Vazquez is your shortstop, it’s time to find a new shortstop… I like Mark Lorretta, he could sell me insurance any time. I don’t want him starting on my baseball team, though.