SCENE THREE: LINDA ZAPATOS’ SPRING TRAINING OFFICE
Linda has locked the door to her office and Brent David is now sitting on a chair on the common area of the PR “wing” of the Cubs’ spring training facility. Carrie Fitch is sitting at her desk facing Brent.
CARRIE FITCH
Intern? How old are you?
BRENT DAVID
22.
CARRIE FITCH
You know this intership doesn’t pay anything, right?
BRENT DAVID
Yeah. But I want to work for a baseball team, and you can’t get a real job until you’ve done one of these, right?
CARRIE FITCH
I suppose. But where are you going to live in Chicago? How are you going to pay the bills?
BRENT DAVID
My grandmother died and she left me some money, so I’ve got enough to get by for a while, probably a year. Then I’ll have to get a real job.
CARRIE FITCH
My grandmother’s rich, too. She used to be married to Marshall Field’s.
BRENT DAVID
Didn’t you say you lived with a drunken aunt?
CARRIE FITCH
Probably. I lie a lot. You’ll have to learn to deal with that.
BRENT DAVID
Is she still crying?
He points at Zapatos’ office.
CARRIE FITCH
Probably not. She’s probably drunk by now. And I’m not lying about that.
BRENT DAVID (looks at his watch)
But it’s not even 10 in the morning.
CARRIE FITCH
I’m telling you that your boss just downed a fifth of Southern Comfort at her desk and you’re wondering if it’s too early to be appropriate?
Carrie’s phone rings.
CARRIE FITCH
OK, I’ll send him in.
Good news! She’s loaded and she wants to see you!
BRENT DAVID
Me?
CARRIE FITCH
No, the other slack jawed yokel. Yes, you.
Brent opens the door to Zapatos’ door and walks in, she motions for him to close the door. She doesn’t appear to be drunk, though her eyes are puffy as though she’s been crying.
LINDA ZAPATOS
I’m sorry you had to see this on your first day, Dave.
BRENT DAVID
Brent.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Brent? Really? Whatever. Anyway, you know it’s a unique situation here with the Cubs. I’m not sure if you’re aware, but we’ve been lousy for a very long time.
BRENT DAVID
I’ve heard rumors.
LINDA ZAPATOS
And last year we were supposed to be good and we pissed it away, and the media don’t trust us, and they sure don’t trust me, and now I’ve got a general manager hiding under his desk? Do you think the public relations director of the Yankees has to put up with this (bleep)?
Long pause.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Well, do you?
DAVID BRENT
No?
LINDA ZAPATOS
Damn right he doesn’t.
Let me ask you a question, Dave.
DAVID BRENT
Brent.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Whatever. Am I attractive? I’m not asking if you want to (bleep) me. I know that’s inappropriate, and besides, you’re like 12 years old. You’d have an easier time scoring at the Neverland Ranch.
Linda laughs to herself. Dave…I mean, Brent begins to wonder if she is, indeed drunk.
DAVID BRENT
Sure. You’re nice looking.
Brent is lying. They don’t just call her The Big Shoe because of her last name, she looks like she’s been stomped by one.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Thanks, Intern. You’re all right. Now I know why I hired you.
BRENT DAVID
Thanks, but you didn’t…
LINDA ZAPATOS
Wait, did I hire you? I didn’t, did I? Oh, I was at that LPGA event with my girlfriends from college. Every year our old softball team gets together. It’s gets harder you know. We’re almost to the age where we’ll be having kids and getting married.
Brent looks puzzled, trying to figure out how old she is.
LINDA ZAPATOS
You know…40.
Linda’s phone rings, she answers it.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Hi Andy. Today? Uh, I’m pretty swamped. How about tomorrow? No, it wasn’t that big a deal. Just Jim and Bird Dog trying to have some fun with me. Yeah, it was a hoot. Now? Right now? Uh…I suppose I could move some things around. OK, I’ll be there.
Linda hangs up the phone and looks panicked.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Intern. Go the supply closet and get me some Scope.
BRENT DAVID
Scope?
LINDA ZAPATOS
Yeah, Scope! It’s a (bleeping) mouthwash, you pansy! Fine, I’ll do it myself.
As she stands up she kicks an empty bottle of Southern Comfort across the floor.
LINDA ZAPATOS
Throw that away!
Brent watches as Linda digs around in the supply closet and finds a half empty bottle of mouthwash. She gargles with it, then swallows it. Brent recoils in horror.
LINDA ZAPATOS (to Carrie)
I’ll be in the conference room with Andy MacPhail, Jim Hendry and that (bleeping) scout. Find something for Dave to do.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Where am I in the storys??? Andy Dolan you are a big ol’ meanie to poor Carrie and her IBS. Put me in the next story or I’m telling Jim.
When you have an executive of a ball club hide under a desk, you need something better than text messaging to get the guy out. You know, like having your friend call in a bomb threat.
I demand that Jude Law, one of our greatest living actors, be cast as Brent. Besides, he hasn’t filled up his “10 movies a year” quota yet.
I don’t do TV.
Yet.
This is TV, right?
On behalf of ugly, pre-menopausal women over 40 I protest the representation of the ball-busting female character as a ball-busting female stereotype. I also protest the characterization of the lying female receptionist as a lying female receptionist. As a Cub fan I protest the characterization of the Cubs as a team of lousy losers for 100 years. It has been only 97 years.
It’s gold Andy, Gold!
How come I’m not in this show? I’m a Cubs fan. This show is racist.
I am not an ignoramus. I resent that accusation completely. If anything, I’m a retard, NOT an ignoramus.
How was I not in the pilot?
How does this thing get made without me?
If Arrested Development gets cancelled, I get to play Brent David, right? I mean, I’ve got the speech pattern down.
Tobias can play Zapatos, he can wear the Miss Fingerbottom costume.
That’s Featherbottom.
On behalf of female impersonators I object to the reference to “Fingerbottom”. That is, unless Tobias doesn’t object.
How can you not cast me in this, you racist white supremacy piece of shit?!! $^@(#&Y$#* you AND your website!!!
My crying runs off the page.
Finally, I get a break and my brother “Bird Dog” gets to be the butt of jokes.
…and it still made as much sense!
The Cubs never had a chance to draft me instead of me. I went #1. The Cubs could have drafted Mark Teixara, and that would look better right now.
But hey, Teixara doesn’t fit in well with the injury joke.
Hey, I never said we passed Mauer up, I just said we should have drafted him. And you can’t spell for poop.
I would still take me over Mauer and Texiera. Because I am Just Ducky Too!
Phil, Bird Dog is my brother, thank you very much.
Hey Buddy, Why am I not included in this?? No abla.
This is funny…I actually pooped in my boss’ office right behind his cactus with my pants on.
Remember me.
Hey Andy, no GameCast today?
test
I am the best pitcher in the game. Plain and simple…hall of fame written all over me.
Where’s Don Baylor? Or Dusty Baker? Or Jim Riggleman?
And where the heck is Zimmer?!?!?!?
Zim is with me right now. At the chiropractor.
Jesus Christ, the Braves actually MADE A COMMERCIAL advertising ME.
On TBS, it’s some cutesy bit where one of the real players thinks fans want his autograph but turns out they all want Chippy’s.
Excuse me while I varmint.
Even I think that’s pathetic.
The series finale will be me KEELING everybody!
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