EPISODE TWO: HAZED AND CONFUSED

PREVIOUSLY ON THE FRONT OFFICE:
Intern Brent David arrived for his first day on the job at Cubs Spring Training. Cubs’ PR Director Linda Zapatos unknowingly lied to a reporter about the health of a Cubs’ pitcher. Brent found out Zapatos’ secretary, Carrie Fitch, is a habitual liar. Zapatos took Brent with her to confront General Manager Jim Hendry only to find Hendry hiding under his desk and Cubs’ Scout Bird Dog McCracken hiding behind a cactus. She confronted McCracken who claimed not to be hiding, but to be attempting to ‘poop’ behind the cactus. As if anybody would do that.

BIRD DOG MCCRACKEN

Hey, you’d be surprised!

Brent suspects Zapatos of having a drinking problem.

(Shot of Zapatos drinking a half bottle of Scope mouthwash)

SCENE ONE: CUBS SPRING TRAINING HEADQUARTERS, PUBLIC RELATIONS OFFICES

LINDA ZAPATOS

Intern! Come into my office!

Brent David enters Zapatos’ office as she motions for him to sit down. Both guest chairs are covered with Cubs’ swag including a box of $2 Cubs Believe wristbands (wholesale price — not much), and the newest Cubs’ promotion item, Kerry Wood Pez dispensers. Brent hesitates to move the boxes, and instead, remains standing.

LINDA ZAPATOS

I’m going to need you to handle Dusty’s press conference today with Mitch.

Brent David has no idea what “handles” means or who “Mitch” is.

BRENT DAVID

(Tentatively) Great.

LINDA ZAPATOS

Whatever, go find Mitch and tell him I sent you.

BRENT DAVID

Sure. (Leaves the office)

Seconds later, David returns to Zapatos’ office to ask her who Mitch is.

BRENT DAVID

Uh…um…Misses…er…Miss…uh….umm…

LINDA ZAPATOS (annoyed)

What, Intern?

BRENT DAVID

I just need one thing clarified.

LINDA ZAPATOS

What?

BRENT DAVID

Who is Mitch?

LINDA ZAPATOS

Mitch? Mitch Kumsteen? He’s only the assistant PR director. How could you not know who Mitch Kumsteen is.

Brent was pretty sure Mitch Kumsteen was the guy caught ‘night putting’ with the daughter of the dean in Caddyshack, and tried not to laugh.

Obvious that Zapatos wasn’t about to tell him where Mitch was, he went back to the main area of the office to find the receptionist, the sometimes helpful Carrie Fitch.

Fitch had returned from wherever she was and was sitting at her desk.

BRENT DAVID

Carrie, who’s Mitch Kumsteen?

CARRIE FITCH

Did she call him that? (Points at Zapatos’ office) That’s awesome.

BRENT DAVID

Why is that awesome?

CARRIE FITCH

Because his name is Mitch Kricksteen, we’ve been calling him Kumsteen for months, and now she thinks it’s his name. Drinking Scope will do that to you.

BRENT DAVID

And other things.

CARRIE FITCH

I don’t think so…

BRENT DAVID

Anyway, where is Mitch?

CARRIE FITCH

You need to talk to him? I’ll get you his number.

BRENT DAVID

Or, I could just go to his office.

CARRIE FITCH

Sure you could. If you had a plane.

BRENT DAVID

Uh…what? A plane? Why?

CARRIE FITCH

Well, because he’s in Chicago. (Writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to Brent.)

BRENT DAVID

But she told me that I had to “handle” Dusty’s press conference with Mitch. What does that mean? What do I do?

CARRIE FITCH

Oh, big deal. You just tell the media what time to be in the media room and then make sure Dusty’s there. How hard could that be?

BRENT DAVID

I don’t know if Dusty’s around. I don’t even know if I can find his office. I don’t know where the media room is. How can this be my job on my second day?

CARRIE FITCH

Calm down, Nancy. Jeesh, you’d think she asked you to peform open heart surgery. It’s a press conference. How hard can it be?

BRENT DAVID

I’m going to go ask Dusty. (Leaves the room hoping to remember where the manager’s office is)

A man walks into the office as Brent leaves.

MITCH KRICKSTEEN

Hey, Carrie. I’m supposed to find a (looks down at a piece of paper) Brent the Intern. You seen him?

CARRIE FITCH

Hey, Mitch. I thought you were at the Waffle House. You just missed him. He’s freaking out about the press conference. I told him you were in Chicago.

MITCH KRICKSTEEN

Press conference? Is that today? (Bleep) I’ve got a tee time.

CARRIE FITCH

Let the kid handle it, how hard could it be?

MITCH KRICKSTEEN

There are only about a thousand things that can go wrong. Remember last year when Dusty was going off about how black players are bred to handle the sun better?

LINDA ZAPATOS (yells from her office)

Is that Kumsteen out there?

MITCH KRICKSTEEN (to Carrie)

Kumsteen? Really? That worked?