SCENE THREE: CUBS’ SPRING TRAINING PR OFFICES
BRENT DAVID (to CARRIE FITCH)
Carrie! Is Miss…uh…Misses? Zapatos in there? (Points at her office)
CARRIE FITCH
She’s had the door closed all morning. I don’t disturb her when she’s like that.
BRENT DAVID
Why?
CARRIE FITCH
I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but she’s a little…uh…high strung? When it’s quiet, I like it.
BRENT DAVID
Well, I think I have to go in there.
CARRIE FITCH
Good God, man. Why?
BRENT DAVID
Dusty said something at the press conference that was…uh…
CARRIE FITCH
What’d he say?
BRENT DAVID
He said honkey.
CARRIE FITCH
Honkey? (Laughs) Honkey? Like on The Jeffersons? What is this, 1983? Honkey. (Laughs some more)
BRENT DAVID
It’s not funny! OK, maybe it’s a little funny.
CARRIE FITCH
Where’s Kumsteen?
BRENT DAVID
He said he had to go do something.
CARRIE FITCH
Oh, he’s golfing.
BRENT DAVID
He’s golfing?
CARRIE FITCH
We should call him. I’ll see if I can find his number. (Starts rifflling through piles of papers on her desk.)
Brent reaches into his pocket and pulls out the note she gave him before.
BRENT DAVID
I think you gave it to me earlier.
CARRIE FITCH
What?
BRENT DAVID
Mitch’s number. You wrote it down when I was looking for him. When you said he was in Chicago.
CARRIE FITCH
Oh, yeah. Let’s see what I wrote.
Brent unfolds the piece of paper and written on it is, “Use less comb.”
BRENT DAVID
Use less comb? What is that?
CARRIE FITCH
Oh, yeah. Your hair. You should mess it up a little. It’s too…molded.
BRENT DAVID
How was that supposed to help me find Mitch?
CARRIE FITCH
Did I ever say I was trying to help?
BRENT DAVID
Well, you need to help me now. We need his number.
Carrie turns to her computer and pulls up a phone list and dials her phone.
CARRIE FITCH
Hey, Kumsteen! It’s Fitch!
BRENT DAVID
Tell him what Dusty said.
CARRIE FITCH
Yeah, call me when you get this!
BRENT DAVID
He didn’t answer? Did you call his cell?
CARRIE FITCH
No, I called him in his office. Yes, I called his cell. He must have turned it off because he’s on the golf course.
BRENT DAVID
Great, I’m gonna have to tell Miss…uh…Misses? Zapatos.
CARRIE FITCH
Just call her The Big Shoe. Everybody else does. And no, you are not telling her. She’s been nice and quiet today. No need to poke the badger.
BRENT DAVID
Poke the badger?
CARRIE FITCH
Never mind. We’re taking a road trip!
BRENT DAVID
Where?
CARRIE FITCH
To the golf course. He usually plays at Acres Ventosos. We’ll find him there. Come on.
Dolan,
Carrie Fitch is straight out of my “Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions”. Every other comment out of her is some smart-assed sarcasm. I’m getting in touch with Ivy Chat Chuck’s attorney ASAP.
You’re lying! I’m a Plymouth Horizon!
Bruthas! Lemme tell ya sumpthin’ Andy — this Dusty Baker cat talks my language, little dude. I was hoping to invite him to hang and bang with the Hulkster as I am inducted into the WWF Hall of Fame this Sunday at WrestleMania. All the Hulkamaniacs will be there and they’ll say, “Hulkster, brutha, give us one more pose, dude!” And I’ll have to rip off my t-shirt to show off my 24″ pythons. And if Rowdy Roddy Piper gets in my face, dude, I’ll bodyslam him to the old folks home. Whatcha gonna do? When the Hulkster and his new muscle Dusty Baker runs wild on you!?
[Flex, holding muscle pose.]
Yo, Hulk dude. I dig your style. You handle the sun well for a white guy, dude.
Dusty, the Hulkster isn’t white, he’s orange…like me pal.
Hey Coach Ditkus,
Where am I?
i’m a funny guy
Not only do I have commercials, but I have a regular article in the Braves magazine and on braves.com…everything’s comin’ up Chip!
God help us…God help us all.
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