Yesterday, we took a half-assed tour through the American League and today we use the full ass to break down the National League. You know, where men are men and where White Sox pitching coach Don Cooper thinks the games are five innings long.
No wonder the Sox suck so badly in Interleague games.
There are some new faces in the National League, including a brand new team. Well, it’s actually just the Expos in new uniforms, playing in front of actual fans. But if they play like the Expos long enough, the fans will be polite and leave.
Let’s start things in baseball’s epi-center, the National League Central.
Predicted order of finish.
1. St. Louis
2. Chicago Cubs
3. Cincinnati
4. Houston
5. Milwaukee
6. Pissburgh
Cardinals
I know, I know. “Good God, man! How can you pick the Cardinals?” Hey, I picked them in 2003 and they lost, I picked the Cubs in 2004 and they lost, so it’s the Cardinals turn.
What distresses me is that I was all set to kick back and enjoy watching Edgar Renteria light things up in the American League while David Eckstein played second base like a drunk kindergartner, and while the latter will happen, the former won’t. The Cardinals were going to spend a lot of money on Edgar and it looks like it would have been money down a rathole. The rathole of course, being Busch Stadium.
This is the last season for the Satanic Fowl in the Big Urinal Cake, which will make for a lot of emotional moments. They’re going to commemorate all kinds of stuff.
They’re going to present Keith Hernandez with the stall in the clubhouse bathroom where he used to snort coke before (and during) games.
They’re going to chase Vince Coleman around the field before a game with the motorized infield tarp.
Bob Gibson’s going to be honored before a game for being a prick.
Whitey Herzog’s going to show up and give The Genius the finger.
Oh, it’s gonna be something.
If the Cardinals can stay healthy they have a better team than the Cubs. There, I said it. So sue me.
But they can’t stay healthy. If you think Kerry and Mark are injury prone weenies, wait until you get a load of Karen Carpenter and Mouthbreathin’ Matt Morris. I hope the trainer’s room at the Urinal Cake has pizza delivery and satellite TV because it’s gonna feel like a tree fort for Karen and Matty.
Scott Rolen’s knee is getting worse, not better. Which I find hilarious. I’m giddy. I’m hoping his leg snaps like Michael Jackson during cross examination.
They have a Molina behind the plate and he sucks, but we’ll hear about how great he is, just because, you know Cardinals fans are the best in the world! Yay, Cardinals fans! Whoo! High five! That’s the spirit!
Now you better hurry home, I hear there’s a tornado watch. You’re going to need to crawl under the house…with the dogs.
Cubs
Speaking of insanity, I’m very worried about someone I love. Someone who I adore might very well be suffering from a tragic and often violent mental problem. That person of course…
…is me. I actually think the Cubs are going to be pretty good this year. It’s not just because we’re kicking ass and taking names in my MVP Baseball dynasty. Well, that doesn’t hurt, but still.
There are holes in this team you can drive a truck through. They have no leadoff man (well, they do, but the manager won’t “talk about him.”)
They have no closer.
Their pitching staff is made up of a psychotic Venezuelan Voodo Doctor, a guy who looks like an accountant and three arms made out of straw and maybe some bubblegum.
Their best outfielder is probably going to be sent to Iowa because Dusty Baker’s a dope.
And yet, I have a feeling, an unmistakable feeling that they’re going to play real baseball this year. They won’t have an outfielder pissing on his hands between pitches. They won’t have one calling himself a Gladiator and trying to hit every pitch 800 feet when a sac fly would do just fine.
And I believe in a higher power. I do.
I believe in Mark Prior. If he stays reasonably healthy, he drags them kicking and screaming into the playoffs. And I say reasonably because not only is full health a pipedream, but he managed to get it out of the way a month ago.
Oh, and keep an eye on this Nomar guy.
The kid’s got a chance.
Cincinnati
I was going to put Houston here, but then I remembered that I hate them and while I don’t like Cincinnati (though I do admire the work of Johnny Fever), spots three through six in the NL Central are not only interchangeable, but irrelevant.
The Reds have a strange offense. They have a surplus of skilled offensive players in the outfield, but they make Kerry Wood look like Cal Ripken (Junior, though you can make your own Senior joke here if you want…go ahead…I’ll wait…)
…
, and they can’t keep Austin Kearns, Adam Dunn, Junior Griffey or the great Wily Mo Pena healthy at the same time. So they end up with guys like Ryan Freel and Kal Daniels out there. Kal Daniels? Never mind.
Their pitching is bad. Hilariously, bad. And they spent big bucks on Eric Milton, which made no sense because he gave up like 119 homers last year in Philly and the only ballpark near sea level in the National League that allows more homers is the one the Reds play in. Brilliant! He says he’s working on a sinker. He’ll also be working on a 6.00 ERA.
Sean Casey’s a Red and everybody loves him. He’s always happy, he gets lots of hits and he runs like he has one leg. That’s why everybody loves him. He can hit a ball off the wall in left field and you have to score it 7-6-3.
The Reds signed Joe Randa, so him and that weird shit-eating grin of his are back in the division. I have April 26 in the “When will Carlos Zambrano hit Joe Randa in the face with a pitch” pool.
Astros
Just how dumb are they? They’re moving Craig Biggio back to second base? Are you serious? I thought this was an April Fool’s Day joke, but then I realized I heard about it three weeks ago. He can’t handle left field, he’s supposed to handle second base? They deserve to suck. Hell, they’re begging for it.
Their opening day lineup will not include Lance Berkman (who apparently fell off Moises Alou’s treadmill during the offseason). Maybe he’s faking? He does that you know. It’s really cute and funny when he does it.
I have May 24 in the “When will Carlos Zambrano hit Lance Berkman in the face with a pitch” pool.
They still have Roger Clemens and this year they’re paying him $147 million. Genius. They’ll get 12 wins out of him.
They still have his road (gay) roommate Andy Pettitte. His elbow makes Mark Prior’s look “robust.” Combined Clettitte will win 20 games this year. Nice return on investment.
Jeff Bagwell’s deterioration continues. How in the hell did he avoid sitting at the table with Captain “I’m not here to talk about the past” and Senor “No habla Englais”? I was waiting for Rafael Palmeiro to lean into the microphone and say, “I did not do steroids, ever! It was Bagwell.”
Oh, and Phil Garner is in charge. Hey, at least it gives Dusty somebody he can actually outmanage.
Brewers
I’m pulling for the Brewers, I really am. They haven’t had a winning season in 12 years and I’m behind them 100 percent. I really want them to make it 13.
I worked for this organization (in a roundabout way) two years ago and saw first hand just how good Prince Fielder and Manny Parra and Rickie Weeks are. They’re legit. And, they’re nice guys. And sometime next year (or in Weeks’ case maybe this year) they’ll be up and playing and trying to beat the Cubs.
So screw ’em. I hope they fail miserably.
The only concerns we should have about the Brewers is that they added the one White Sox player the Cubs could never get out (Carlos Lee) and they’re going to trade Ben Sheets at the trade deadline and it had better not be to anybody in the National League. Well, it could be the Cubs, that’d be all right.
Pissburgh
When you give Lloyd McClendon a contract extension, isn’t that really just telling your fans you plan on sucking for a while? I think it is.
Jason Bay won the Rookie of the Year, but only because sportswriters were jealous of Khalil Greene’s hair. Craig A. Wilson can hit, but the A. is for Anemic Defense. I love Oliver Perez, but that’s about it. This is not a good team. When Jack Wilson’s the best you got…you ain’t got much.
Andy, you are beginning to sound like me when it comes to Our Fearless Leader Dusty Baker… What in the world is going on here?
I think you just set a new record with how quickly you made me laugh out loud. I didn’t even get a chance to read a word, just seeing that picture at the top was enough.
What is the over and under on Carlos hitting batters and suspensions? I would say hit batters: 21 suspensions: 2…I can’t wait for that first at-bat Lassie has with Zambrano. Bets are Lassie walks up to home plate with full body armor. Of course his ass will have that open flap so Albie can dip his little pencil willy in with ease.
You mean games aren’t 5 innings long? Boy I am a fat retard.
Even though I died, I will be honored for putting that no good, trouble maker Jackie Robinson in his place. I spiked him good and I was a hero for it. I also have no business being anywhere near the hall of fame, much less in it. God I love Missourah. It’s the home of Chip Caray you know.
But now I live in lovely Orlando FL, folks. With my lovely imaginary wife and kids.
Do not make fun of that photo.
It’s my illegitimate grand-daughter.
Thanks for writing the entire Nationals preview on me — even though I will start the season at Triple-A!
Dolan,
I must say you’re starting to come around on Dusty a bit, and it isn’t a reach around to jack him off either.
I’m really surprised he had Dave Hansen cut, Calvin Murray and Will Ohman sent down to Iowa, and released Stephen Randolph. I guess they weren’t loobing him up and getting down on their hands and knees along with swallowing enough.
In Dusty’s mind, he really wanted Hanson over Dubois, Murray over Macias(there’s no getting rid of that Gremlin) and Ohman and Randolph over Leicester and probably Wuertz. Oh how bad did he want lefties. He just hates having righties beat him off.
Baker Basher
P.S. Wellemeyer might as well keep his apartment Iowa too. There’s no way in hell Dusty will have him on that opening day roster. The way Todd has thrown this spring, it’s a no brainer though.
Sounds like Basher could use a $20 bill and a bus pass to the “good” side of town. Hmm?
Dude knows what I am thinking. That’s some voodoo type stuff, dude.
I am the new spokesman for Chevy Chase bank. Nats fever has begun!
Dubois makes me look like a girl but I will still make the team because its the Cubs. If we had Pujols he would still be in AAA because I am out of options. Luckily for me its not about winning around here.
I think you’ll take my spot because we need a new Captain Tightpants.
It is all about winning here, dude. Gotta make room for Calvin Murray and Angel Echavarria, dude. Can’t go without a Captain Tightpants no how, dude. God sent me here to win, bro.
Look fellas, my pants are tight for a reason. Wind shear. They make me run oh so much faster. If they make me look pretty, well then that’s okay too.
Here’s what the opening roster should look like after tonight’s extra inning loss to Seattle:
Zambrano
Maddux
Dempster
Wood
Prior
Rusch
Hawkins
Remlinger
Leicester
Fox
Wuertz
Barrett
Lee
Walker
Nomar
Ramirez
Hollandsworth
Patterson
Burnitz
Hairston Jr.
Blanco
Dubois
Perez
Macias
Mitre or Wellemeyer(since Dusty wants to go with 12 pitchers)
*He should get rid of Macias and keep Kelton. Hairston Jr. can basically be a utility player like Macias and probably play it better.
But I’m sure we’ll either lose Kelton or really pull the dumbest move and send Dubois(who probably could be our best offensive outfielder) down to Iowa.
Dusty is just that ignorant folks. The guy is a complete jackass. He has no rationalization for any of his stupid moves.
We’ll see come Sunday.
Baker Basher
WALK OFF
Go check who made the team then talk. Now you all just look like dumbasses.
Those Washington fans kind of like us.
I can’t wait to cheer on the Expos, with or without Endy Chavez.
Did somebody say know it all dumbass?
Depending on how team health plays out this year, Hairston could be a key to keeping the offense moving. Blanco could be this years “neifi sparkplug perez”. I am also predicting a breakout for Corey and a serious Cy Young bid by Zambrano.
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