Wait, Nomar was on base?The 2005 Cubs should come equipped with a warning sticker that urges you not to pay attention to them while operating heavy machinery, driving a car or mowing your lawn wearing only your underwear and a pair of Dora the Explorer flip flops.

I don’t want to say that the current Cubs are dull, but during Sunday’s game I kept flipping over to CBS’ golf coverage hoping to get an adrenaline rush. The closest I got was nauseous looking at Darren Clarke’s pants.

I know, I know, we can’t have it both ways. We can’t tell the Cubs to get rid of the malcontented, but entertaining losers and bring in new, less offensive losers and then criticize them for it. I get that. But that doesn’t mean we can’t mock them. That’s why we’re here.

Besides, the Cubs can entertain you at times. Watching Jerry Hairston try to play centerfield is hilarious. It’s like he thinks the object is to get as far away from the flyball as possible when it lands. If so, he’s pretty good at that. Except for the out he played into a single and then kicked. He’ll have to work on that.

Watching Dusty Baker manage is kind of like going to a horror movie. You know when he’s making the moves that the end result is going to be either a topless teenager getting raped with a chainsaw or Jose Macias playing the outfield. Either way, somebody’s going to scream and you’re going to want your money back.

After 12 games the Cubs are now 6-6. They’re in third place, but in the NL Central, that’s meaningless because every team has sucked so far. This includes the juggernaut in St. Louis who swept the Brewers to get over .500 and scored a whopping 11 runs in the process.

One of the things that would certainly help the Cubs, would be if they would get some hits. See, now this is the indepth analysis you so desire. It’s good stuff, isn’t it? I thought so.

But I know I’ll feel better about things when Nomar’s batting average is higher than the price of gas. He’s got about 30 cents to go, and probably 50 to go if you’re buying it in the city. That’s not good.

Can we blame the lack of entertainment on Len Kasper and Bob Brenly? After all, the message board is full of pleas for them to be “more excited.”

Screw that. I’ll decide for myself when something’s exciting. We had seven years of a pedantic dumbass screaming about a second inning seeing-eye single being as thrilling as Willie Mays’ World Series catch in the Polo Grounds. You just tell me what’s going on, I’ll wave the f@#$ing pom poms. So far, it’s been just fine.

For some reason I watched the last three innings of the Sox loss to Seattle yesterday. I probably watched it because they were losing. That’s always fun.

The Sox are 8-4, which is two games better than the Cubs and has them tied with the Twins in the AL Central. If you listen to the media they’ll tell you the Sox are doing it with pitching, defense and “smallball.”

I make no assumptions about the size of their balls, but I can tell you that when I watch them play defense and run the bases, they’re the same old Sox. Case in point. With one out in the ninth, the Sox were down 5-3 and Ozzie Guillen put Willie Harris in to pinch run at first. That made sense. Willie’s only tangible baseball skill is his ability to run fast in a straight line. He would be the tying run, and you hoped that he could score on a double.

George Ofman’s 2005 MVP pick Aaron Rowand (.244, 1 HR, 4 RBI) was on third. Harris was running for Joe Crede who had just hit a 14 foot single down the left field line. Juan Uribe was up and he hit a flyball to center that was deep, but clearly not going to be a home run, no matter how much Hawk yelled for it to “stretch” and no matter how high the meth-addict sitting behind home plate jumped when it was hit.

Rowand tagged and scored to make it 5-4 and Mariners’ centerfielder Jeremy Reed made his usual puny armed throw back to the infield. So Harris tagged and went to second, right? No. He had run all the way to second base when the ball was hit and now was jogging back to first. Nice job.

Two pitches later Miguel Olivo gunned Willie trying to steal second to end the game. Second base. You know the one he should have already been standing on.

So what does this tell you? That the Sox are just as likely to follow their 8-4 start with a 4-8 stretch? Sure.

But really, what it’s supposed to tell you is that there’s a reason Chicago has two baseball teams and those teams have now combined to go 186 years without a World Series title.

They’re full of morans.