SCENE TWO: CASEY MORAN’S, 3660 NORTH CLARK, CHICAGO

CARRIE FITCH
Look at that one. If his shirt was any pinker the sprinklers would go off.

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
This is why I hate living in this part of town. I get hit on all the time by guys.

CARRIE FITCH
You? Why?

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
Look at me. I’m in shape. I wear nice clothes. I keep my hair neat. I look like a homo.

CARRIE FITCH
You look like a pussy. There’s a difference.

Carrie spots Brent and Jason.

CARRIE FITCH
Intern! Over here!

CARRIE FITCH (to Mitch)
No, see, that (points at Jason) is what a queer looks like. He’s gonna love Boys Town.

BRENT DAVID
Hey. This is my friend Jason. Jason this is Carrie and Mitch.

CARRIE FITCH
So what have you two been up to?

JASON BELL
I just got here and we hurried over. I want to get so wasted!

CARRIE FITCH
That’s nice. Everybody needs to have a goal. I think mine will be to avoid you.

BRENT DAVID
So who else is coming?

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
Art from operations is coming with some friends, and you’ll love this, the Big Shoe and her softball team are supposed to drop by.

BRENT DAVID
Her softball team? Wow. I’ve got to see this.

CARRIE FITCH
I just ordered a round of Jagermeister. I want to see Intern’s pretty little friend get blind.

JASON BELL (to Brent)
Hey, she likes me. She’s kinda hot.

BRENT DAVID
She doesn’t like you. She’s kinda mean.

After a couple rounds, Brent goes to find the bathroom. He bumps into an attractive woman who looks to be in her early 20s.

BRENT DAVID
I’m sorry.

KATE DURHAM
I’m Kate!

BRENT DAVID
Huh?

KATE DURHAM
You said I’m sorry. I said I’m Kate. I’m also really drunk. You’re cute!

BRENT DAVID
Thanks.

KATE DURHAM
Do you have a name?

BRENT DAVID
Yeah.

KATE DURHAM
Do you know how to pronounce it?

BRENT DAVID
Oh, sorry.

KATE DURHAM
So that really is your name?

BRENT DAVID
Huh?

KATE DURHAM (laughs…way too much)

BRENT DAVID
Oh, I’m Brent.

KATE DURHAM
Is it me, or is it getting really dark out? I think it might rain.

BRENT DAVID
No, it’s dark. It’s quarter after 11. I think they call it night.

KATE DURHAM (laughs…way too much)

BRENT DAVID
OK, well it was nice to meet you.

KATE DURHAM
Where are you going?

BRENT DAVID
I have to go to the bathroom.

KATE DURHAM
Oh, you shouldn’t poop in a bar.

BRENT DAVID
I don’t have to poop.

KATE DURHAM
Good, then you can stay here and talk to me! (Laughs) You said poop!

BRENT DAVID
So did you. OK, I’ll be right back. I have to use the bathroom.

KATE DURHAM
You just said you didn’t have to.

Brent sees Mitch and waves him over.

BRENT DAVID
Mitch! This is Kate. Kate this is Mitch Kumsteen.

KATE DURHAM
Is he your friend?

MITCH KUMSTEEN
No. Well, yeah, sort of. We work together.

BRENT DAVID
You should let him poop at work, so he wouldn’t have to do it in a bar.

MITCH KUMSTEEN
Intern? You’re going to take a grump?

BRENT DAVID
No. I don’t know why she keeps saying that. Look, can you talk to her for a minute? I have to piss.

MITCH KUMSTEEN
Sure.

MITCH KUMSTEEN (to Kate)
So, did Brent tell you we work for the Cubs?

KATE DURHAM
He didn’t mention it. That’s cool. My aunt works for them, too.

MITCH KUMSTEEN
Oh. Who’s your aunt?

KATE DURHAM
Linda Zapatos.

MITCH KUMSTEEN
Oh (bleep). Yeah, I have to go. I’m sure Brent will be right back. I’m sure his bladder is like really small.

Mitch walks back to where Carrie is standing. She has been joined not only by Art from operations, but by Linda’s entire softball team. They are in their uniforms, which identify them as The Rainbow Warriors.

CARRIE FITCH
You won’t find this many dikes in Holland. Wow. Linda actually seems feminine by comparison.

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
You won’t believe who the Intern is talking to?

CARRIE FITCH
Who? Ronnie Woo Woo? I’d like to break a bottle on that freeloader’s forehead.

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
No, he’s talking to this cute little blonde and he went to use the can and I was talking to her and she told me she’s the Big Shoe’s niece.

CARRIE FITCH
No way! Wait, she’s cute?

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
She’s very cute. She’s also very drunk, alone and into Intern.

CARRIE FITCH
There’s now way he can close this. None. He’s like Mel Rojas. No chance.

MITCH KRICKSTEEN
I’m telling you. She’s so drunk, he’d have to be a complete pussy to screw this up.

CARRIE FITCH
Have you seen him? That’s exactly what he is.

Brent comes out of the bathroom and Kate is waving at him.

KATE DURHAM
Brad! Brad!

BRENT DAVID
It’s Brent.

KATE DURHAM
Right. Hey, I’m tired of it here. Why don’t we go get some ice cream?

BRENT DAVID
I don’t know. My friend from school is here. I think I should stay.

JASON BELL
Brent! Dude, I thought you left. Wow. Who’s this?

BRENT DAVID
Jason, this is Kate.

JASON BELL (to Brent)
Wow. She’s hot. Does she have any friends with her?

BRENT DAVID
Do you have any friends with you?

KATE DURHAM
Sorry. I’m in town visiting my aunt. I don’t really know anybody here.

She puts her arm around Brent.

KATE DURHAM
Except for you, Brad. (She kisses his ear.)

BRENT DAVID
Brent.

JASON BELL
Whatever, dude. Let her call you whatever she wants.

KATE DURHAM
Hey, Brad’s friend? Can he take me to get some ice cream? He says he has to stay here and babysit you.

JASON BELL
No, he can go.

Jason grab’s Brent by the arm and pulls him a few paces away from her.

JASON BELL
Dude. You have to (bleep) her. You have to. She’s hot and she’s practically begging you. It’s sad, really. Think of it as charity. She’s like Mother Theresa. You wouldn’t not (bleep) Mother Theresa if she begged you, would you?

BRENT DAVID
What? Huh?

JASON BELL
Never mind. Give me the keys to your place. Call me on your cell when you’re done with her. If I’m still here then come back, if not then just head back to the apartment.

KATE DURHAM
When do I get the cream?

JASON BELL (shoves Brent towards Kate)
Oh, you’ll get it, soon.