Greggie.After 24 games you’d think you’d have a handle on your team. That’s a month’s worth of baseball. Surely, you can glean a lot of hope out of a month’s worth of baseball.

Right?

After 24 games the Cubs have proven they are just as skilled at winning as they are losing. An optimist would look at it and say that with all of the injuries they’ve had, the fact that they haven’t completely buried themselves so far is a positive. The pessimist looks at it and says that their play has been uglier than those blue uniform tops.

It’s been a month, so it’s time for a Cubs Report. And we’re going to put both the optimist and the pessimist on the case.

Derrek Lee
The optimist:
What’s not to like about a guy who won the April Triple Crown? Derrek is almost solely reponsible for the Cubs’ lofty rankings in the NL in runs (third) and OPS (first). Just imagine what he might have done with a little help. Lee is a notoriously slow starter, so a hot April bodes well for him to have the breakout season everybody thought he’d have last year.

The pessimist: Dusty still doensn’t know where to bat him. Cleanup is an improvement over burying him behind Todd Hollandsworth, but since the Cubs have gotten nothing out of the third spot, you would think a subtle shift that moves Lee up a spot and Corey down three would be in the works. Nah, that’s too obvious.

E-ramis Ramirez:
The optimist:
He is complaining about a sore groin, but he just signed a huge contract, I mean, can you blame his wife? They’re rich! Oh, it’s not that kind of sore groin? I got nothing then.

The pessimist: His defense is back in the toilet and his strikeouts are up. In fact, if you close one eye and tilt your head you’d swear that he’s doing a Gladiator impersonation. Knock it off, buddy.

Nomar Garciaparra:
The optimist:
His groin injury could have been worse. He could have hit into a triple play instead of a double play! But that would have required the Cubs to have two runners on at the same time. He should be back just in time for a trade to a playoff contender!

The pessmist: Nomar was hitting less than half of his career average when his groin and he decided on a separation. He’s now had three major injuries in five seasons. Even when he comes back, and he should be able to play again this year, he’s going to be a shell of the Nomar that we watched all those years in Boston. This is just so typically Cub.

Neifi!:
The optimist:
Since coming to the Cubs on August 19 of last season Neifi is hitting .368 with five homers and 18 RBI. He’s also played excellent defense. In fact, he’s the most productive Cubs shortstop since…Ernie Banks! Or something.

The pessimist: He’s Neifi Perez. Even a blind pig can find an acorn in the mud. In fact, every hit he gets now just means the inevitable slump will be that much worse. If there ever was a guy just delaying the regression to the mean, it’s Neifi. It’s going to get ugly.

Todd Walker:
The optimist:
He was off to a good start when Carlos Lee leg whipped him into left field, but he didn’t completely tear up his leg and could be back in a couple of weeks. And, being on the DL has limited his chances to kiss media members’ asses non stop.

The pessimist: He had no speed or range before, and now he’s going to be playing on one leg? Why not just put an express lane in between him and the second base bag for the other team to hit grounders through?

Jerry Hairston Jr.:
The optimist:
He’s a major upgrade defensively at second, or he was until he shot putted that throw into the Astros dugout on Saturday. He’s got good speed and seems to have a knack for getting on base.

The pessimist: He’s got no power and his on base average (.365) is actually nine points higher than his slugging percentage. He’s got one RBI. One! He’s also the only guy on the team who plays a worse center field than Jose Macias. And that includes Henry Blanco. Oh, and Bob Brenly has called him “Scotty” at least 14 times already.

Michael Barrett:
The optimist:
He’s one of the few guys in a slump who is actually hitting into tough luck. He’s only struck out five times in 75 at bats, which on the Cubs makes him Tony Gwynn. He’s throwing runners out at an obscene clip, too.

The pessimist: His goatee looks like a very small squirrel has latched on to his face. He seems to befuddle most of the pitching staff with his game calling, though with this bunch, they’re probably just looking for an excuse.

Henry Blanco:
The optimist:
He caught the best games both Carlos Zambrano and Mark Prior have pitched, and…well…uh…

The pessimist: Oh my God he can’t hit. At all. He might as well take a wet newspaper up there with him as a bat. I think his problems at the plate are related to the fact that his head weighs 74 pounds. He can barely hold it up much less keep his eye on a 90 mile an hour fastball.

Jeromy Burnitz:
The optimist:
He plays hard and has improved the Cubs rightfield defense from laughable to above average. He doesn’t get cheated at the plate and actually seems to have a clue how to run the bases.

The pessimist: He’s got 20 strikeouts and only six walks, and will make a serious run at finishing the season with more homers than walks. And he’s not going to hit 35 homers…so that’s bad. He also has a knack for leaving runners stranded on the bases. If he were the Coast Guard, in other words, he’d be driving around in a boat without any life preservers on it. Or something.

Corey Patterson:
The optimist:
He’s played great defense so far, and seems to enjoy playing in the middle of an outfield in which the guys on either side of him can run more than eight feet without falling down or slowing down to blow kisses to the bleacherites. He’s still flashing his enormous potential and occasional jaw-dropping power.

The pessimist: He doesn’t play hard. Period. You’d think a guy who’s obviously into his own stats would be motivated to sprint to first base to try and get a few cheap hits, but not Corey. Just like every other year he reacts to every popup by pausing at home plate to throw the bat all the way around the catcher towards the on-deck circle and every grounder with a slow trot to first. He still, after five years, swings at pitches over his f@#$ing head. If he hasn’t learned it by now, he’s just never going to. What the Cubs are going to have is a guy who hits .265 every year with a horrific .301 on base average and enough great plays to make you think he’s better than he is. Nice legacy. You’re the black Sixto Lezcano.

Todd Hollandsworth:
The optimist:
He’s a career .277 hitter who seems to slowly be working his way out of an early season malaise. He normally plays a good left field, though he’s had trouble picking up balls after they’ve stopped rolling so far this year. Todd’s one of the best pinch hitters in the game.

The pessimist: He’s worth far more as a late game option on the bench and occasional starter than he is as an everyday player, but he’s playing every day. This not only weakens your daily lineup, but your bench, too. He’s already taken aim at his bad shin with one foul ball this year and you just know that pad’s not going to save him before the year’s over. He’d be worth a lot more if the Cubs’ had a manager with a clue how to use him.

Jason Dubois:
The optimist:
He’s hit everywhere he’s ever played. Not only has he hit, but he’s done it with power, has gotten on base and hit for a high average. Defensively he’s no worse than what Moises Alou was last year (in fact, nobody was worse than that).

The pessimist: Unless he can provide a phony birth certificate that says he’s really 36 instead of 26 he’s going to be spending a lot of quality time hanging out with The Gremlin on the Cubs’ bench. He’s also got a nifty 10-1 strikeout to walk ratio going. But when you’re not getting consistent at bats, you’re going to whiff. At least that’s what Jose Macias always says. Just last weekend he doubled off Roger Clemens and hit a pinch two run homer against Brandon Backe. Apparently, that’s still not enough.

Ben Grieve:
The optimist:
It’s good to have a veteran on the bench who can pinch hit from the left side. Grieve’s career has been odd because he was such a great hitter in the minors and early on with Oakland and then…nothing.

The pessimist: His presence on the bench removes any incentive Dusty might have of moving Hollandsworth to a full-time bench role. Grieve is also too passive to be an effective pinch hitter. You’re not up there trying to coax a walk, you have to try and hit the first good pitch you see, because sometimes you only get one. Instead, we get at bats like Grieve had on Friday when he watched five pitches and didn’t swing at a single one of them…and struck out.

Jose Macias:
The optimist:
He gives off carbon dioxide which helps plants.

The pessimist: He’s a terrible hitter, a below average defender at seven different positions, a horrific baserunner and he looks like something that ought to be living under a bridge.

Ronny Cedeno:
The optimist:
He has two hits in his first six big league at bats and is a smooth defensive player.

The pessimist: The only things he’s likely to pick up hanging out in the Cubs’ dugout every day are bad habits and a stray venereal disease.

Mike Fontenot:
The optimist:
He managed to do an entire stint on the Cubs without hurting himself. Way to go, Mike!

The pessimist: We didn’t even see him enough to rag on him.

Kerry Wood:
The optimist:
People say it’s bad that he had that 20 strikeout game as a rookie because it just served to crank up the hype to unrealistic levels. But what it did was show us just how good he could be when everything was going right.

The pessimist: Those days are few and far between. His real problem, even more than his injuries, is his complete inability to consistently throw strikes. In fact, that’s probably the cause of his injuries. It not only causes him to throw an obscene amount of pitches in every outing just to get to the seventh inning, but in a constant search for mechanics that actually work he’s constantly screwing up his arm or his back or whatever. You can’t make a closer out of him because he can’t throw strikes and you can’t make a dominant, consistent starter out of him because he can’t throw strikes or pitch enough to make it happen. You can’t even give up on him now because his trade value is completely non-existent. Great.

Carlos Zambrano:
The optimist:
He’s not the best Cubs’ pitcher, but only because he’s on a staff with Mark Prior. But he is the most durable of the Cubs’ starters and a force in his own right. He is probably the most intimidating pitcher in the league, and that’s without the uncontrollable temper tantrums he throws. He throws in the high 90s and storms off the mound towards the batter after every pitch. He has no fear on the mound, at the plate or on the bases. He’s a switch hitter with power from both sides, for chrissakes.

The pessmist: The only thing that will be able to stop him from being one of the best pitchers of this generation is injury. And even that might not be able to. He’s so mean his elbow ligament doesn’t dare snap for fear of what he’ll do to it then.

Mark Prior:
The optimist:
Performances like the one he had on Sunday are so rare from him that you almost watch it in disbelief. He is, without a doubt the most talented young righthander in the game. You don’t even want to think about what it’d be like in Minnesota had the Twins drafted him and put him and Johan Santana in the same rotation. He seems to be healthy now, and if so, that’s bad news for the National League.

The pessimist: Dusty and Larry Rothschild both treat him like he’s 34 instead of 24, just because he acts mature. But he is 24, and he acted his age after Mike Lamb’s Judy grand slam off of him. He got flustered by it and everybody just sat and watched as he walked the next two guys and then gave up a cheap homer into those ludicrous Crawford Boxes to Adam Everett’s enormous ears. Even though he’s great, you still have to…you know…coach him occasionally.

Greg Maddux:
The optimist:
He’s the same guy the Cubs had last year. He’s good for mostly above average outings with a stinker thrown in on occasion. He was supposed to be the Cubs’ fifth starter last year and ended up tying for the team lead in wins. This year he was supposed to be the fourth starter and now he’s the third one in a three-man rotation. This is no way to live out your golden years.

The pessimist: There’s really nothing to be pessimistic about. He still plays great defense, still handles the bat and still makes a lot more good pitches than bad ones. He’s not dominant anymore, but still better than just about anybody he’s matched up against.

Ryan Dempster:
The optimist:
He’s got good stuff. A mid-90s heater, a sharp slider and…well, that’s it. His changeup might as well have “hit me” written on it. But he’s been a workhorse in his career (well, until his elbow fell off) and the Cubs seem to think he can either be a top notch starter or closer.

The pessimist: He’s Kerry Wood. His stuff’s not as electric, but it’s good and he can’t throw strikes either. Every time he gets in trouble it’s because he’s walked one, or two, or six guys in an inning. It’s why you wonder about any serious attempt to make a closer out of him. Everybody who tries to move a decent starter to be a closer points to Eric Gagne. But Gagne had unbelievable stuff even as a starter, he just couldn’t sustain it. That’s what makes a closer. Great stuff and control, and no need to hold back because you don’t have to get 18 or 21 outs, just three. Dempster doesn’t have that kind of stuff.

Glendon Rusch:
The optimist:
G-unit has pitched fairly well for the Cubs out of the bullpen, even though he’s been a starter his whole career (until last year when he started swinging—that sounds worse than it is). And now he’s back in the rotation! Whee!

The pessimist: Last year was a raging success for Glendon and one that he seems unlikely to duplicate. Even though his ERA is 2.35 so far this year he’s walked 10 guys in 15 innings. That’s not good. Maybe consistent innings as a starter will help out his control. And maybe Jennifer Wilbanks –the Runaway Bride just needed four days in the desert to remember how much she loved her Glendon Rusch look-a-like fiance. Probably not.

Chad Fox:
The optimist:
He’s had so many elbow surgeries that his punch card is almost full and then he gets a free one!
The pessimist: See you…never.

LaTroy Hawkins:
The optimist:
He’s still a good reliever and the Cubs don’t have many of those. Actually, they just have one. Him.
The pessimist: His confidence as a closer was bad enough, but then Dusty gave his job away to a guy who had it for two days, blew out his elbow and then LaTroy had it back. Plus, he doesn’t want to do it, which always leads to great, prideful craftsmanship.

Mike Remlinger:
The optimist:
As he gets older (worse), the disparity between his effectiveness against righties and lefties increases. But it’s so obvious that certainly Dusty will not use him against good lefthanded batters anymore. Right?
The pessimist: If you’re a lefty and you can’t get lefthanders out…at all…your days of getting righties out are numbered. One of these days a swith hitter is going to face him batting lefty. Then, guys who don’t even switch hit will start to turn around just to light him up. That’s going to be ugly.

Cliff Bartosh:
The optimist:
He’s an avid runner and says that the more he runs, the better he pitches.
The pessimist: Good, he can run to Milwaukee. Maybe then he’ll be able to get Geoff Jenkins out.

Roberto Novoa:
The optimist:
He’s got a great arm, with an explosive fastball and heavy sinker.
The pessimist: If the first tie breaker for a playoff spot is a spelling bee, the Cubs are screwed.

Mike Wuertz:
The optimist:
He’s the best reliever the Cubs have had so far this year. Which is much like being the prettiest Osmond brother.
The pessimist: Dusty is hesitant to use him for more than an inning. Hell, Dusty is hesitant to use him for one inning. And that’s because he’s a one-pitch pitcher. He’s got a good slider and a way too average fastball. When he’s got his good control he’s tough. When he doesn’t, he’s batting practice. Great?

Will Ohman:
The optimist:
He’s never been given a chance to settle in at the big league level. But he’s had good, consistent minor league success.
The pessimist: The reason he’s never had a chance to settle in at the big league level is because his managers have always gotten tired of watching guys hit the ball off and over the wall against him.

Jon Leicester:
The optimist:
The Ice Man didn’t get to pitch enough in the first month to prove he could do anything. He’s very fair skinned, maybe Dusty thinks he’s invisible?
The pessimist: His ERA rose every month after the All-Star break last year and wasn’t pretty in April. Maybe he’s not as good as we think he is? Gasp! Never!

Todd Wellemeyer:
The optimist:
Great stuff, especially his fastball which is hard and never goes straight.
The pessimist: Has never gotten enough innings to prove he can throw strikes when given consistent work. Maybe there’s a reason for that?

Dusty Baker:
The optimist:
We always harp on his bad moves and his weird lineups, but maybe Dusty deserves a little benefit of the doubt. It could be that he’s working Jason Dubois into the lineup slowly. After hiding him from righties altogether, he threw him into the fire with Roger Clemens on Friday and Jason got a big hit. Maybe Dusty didn’t go to Mike Wuertz as his closer because Wuertz doesn’t even have stuff as good as whatever Chad Fox had left? We know he was right to use Neifi over Jerry Hairston, though that seemed like a folly at the time. The Cubs could have buried themselves in the first 24 games and didn’t, which is news for an organization that has an 0-14 start in its recent history.

The pessimist: Dusty is so resistant to change it’s almost impossible to discern the difference between stubbornness and a well-thought-out plan. How many games are the Cubs going to lose before Jason Dubois gets a shot at an everyday run in left? Do the Cubs do any kind of stretching…ever? How about a toe touch or two? If the Cubs knew that rest was the only thing that would cure Kerry Wood’s shoulder soreness why start him on Saturday and blow up the bullpen when you could have just given G-Unit the start in the first place? Why is Corey Patterson batting third? Why not get Ryan Dempster to close during spring training instead of ditching that plan before the exhibition games started and moving him to the rotation? Huh?

Jim Hendry:
The optimist:
He’s proven adept at getting the Cubs in-season help in both of his full-time seasons so far and there’s no reason to think that this year will be any different. He uses the vast resources of the Tribune to trade minimal talent to teams looking to shed salary, and that’s a good thing, considering the Cubs rarely act like the huge-market team that they are.

The pessimist: He’s been the full-time GM for two full seasons and in both of those years a horrific bullpen was the cause of the Cubs’ demise, either in the playoffs or approaching the playoffs. The Cubs’ bullpen as currently situated is the worst one since the Daniel Garibay-Dan Serafini era. How can a franchise supposedly so stocked with pitching talent not be able to find five guys who can give you a scoreless inning a couple times a week? While we can lament all we want the failure of signing or trading for guys like Scott Rolen, Jim Thome, Carlos Beltran, Miguel Tejada, et al. the real failure has been in not being able to trade for or sign middle or late relievers. Anybody can break out a check book and get the stars, it takes talent to find guys starting to emerge or being miscast in their roles on other teams. It’s only been two years and 24 games, so we’re not going to throw Hendry under Rosie O’Donnell’s hilariously retarded bus, but it’s time to start exhibiting some knack for this, don’t you think?

It seems to me that the Cubs’ approach to the bullpen has been wrong for…well, forever. They never go for more than one guy at a time. El Pulpo. Remlinger. LaTroy. You have to bat 1.000 every year for that to work. You have to know that signing or trading for pitching is the ultimate crapshoot. So you can’t just try it once a year and hope it works. You might have to actually try and acquire a surplus of servicable arms, then whittle it down to what you need and then try and foist the extra off to other, equally desperate teams. Even if your approach is to pick through the dumpster and find a Dave Veres or a Kent Mercker, you can’t just stop at one guy and say, “Done! Wow what an offseason, our bullpen is great now! Hot damn!” Look at how the Braves build their bullpens. They tear through guys like they’re tissue paper. They find a few that will work that year and dump the rest on teams like the Cubs. Then they start over again the next year. Not the Cubs. They cling to the Felix Heredias, Bob Pattersons and Les Lancasters of the world like they’re worth their weight in gold. And the Cubs never have a good bullpen. Coincidence?

I think not.