Pitching matchup:
Cubs: Glendon Rusch, 2-2, 2.88 ERA (who knew his ERA was that low?)
Pirates: Kip Wells, 3-3, 4.53 ERA
Lineups
Cubs (17-20)
Jerry Hairston the Lesser, 2b
Neifi!, ss
Derrek Lee, 1b
Jeromy Burnitz, rf
Michael Barrett, c
Corey Patterson, cf
Jason Dewboy, lf
The Gremlin, 3b
G-Unit, p
Pirates (17-20)
Matt Lawton, rf
Jack Wilson, ss
Jason Bay, cf
Daryle Ward, 1b
Somebody Castillo, 2b
Chief Wiggum, 3b
Michael Restovich, lf
Humberto Cota, c
Kippy, p
Getting the phony e-mails to work is still problematic. The software is pretty dead set on not letting me let you publish your e-mails to avoid being spammed to death. So it won’t work today. Gotta love technology.
All the ladies Love ME, All you men want to be ME!!
Any chance of the guinius screwing D. Lee out of the All-Star Game this year. Albie would probably win vote getting, then the genius will select Helton, Thome, Bagwell, or Delgado. I could see it happening.
Hairston and Neifi. Man, that is some Daily Double.
I don’t see Thome or Bagwell being picked. Bagwell will still be rehabbing his shoulder and who knows when when Thome will be back.
Aramis having groin spasms again? Or is this the “day game after a night game” day off? Well, it’s not like the Cubs have Thursday off or anything.
Worrying about All-star appearences should be the very last thing on any Cub’s mind right now. Except for DLee and a couple of others, they should be worrying about apartment rentals in DesMoines.
You mean, it was a BAD idea to give Jim Thome 3-year deal? Not according to me.
*praying* Please don’t hit it to me. Please don’t hit it to me
Macias sighting.
I am a wonderful place to see a game.
We’d have won the 2003 World Series with Jim Thome!
Derrek who?
You know, I’m not half bad. Really. I’m actually useful. You know, when I’m not doing this…
Take that Derrek Lee! You can’t spell Kip without K!
Or ip.
How long till I contract Tommy John disease?
I’m hitting .400, why is Gremlin in front of me?
Nobody can turn a 3-0 count into a 3-3 count like I can! Whoo!
I can turn a 3-0 to a 3-3 count as good as anyone, buddy.
From 3-0 to K. Sammy who? That’s right E-ramis, you’re not the only one on this team who can do that.
Stop hitting the ball at me! Stop it!
Quiet Jeromy, I’m trying to sleep.
Who does G-Unit think Jason Bay is? Derrek Lee?
Remember last year when everybody was screaming at Hendry to trade for me? Guh.
I look like James Earl Jones in that scene in Conan the Barbarian when he morphs into a snake.
Neifi made a nice catch on that pop up, but he didn’t have a clue that Wilson was tagging up, did he?
E-ramis, scoot over!
Why did I F6 that?
I wonder what my tatoo says.
Because with our luck Neifi, if you hadn’t F-6’d it, the next one would have been half way up the f’in concourse for a 3-0 lead.
I liked it better when Ryne was afraid to do commercials.
Damn, those teleprompters are hard to read.
Were we just comparing double chins?
DUBOIS!
Damn lower half of the order.
Candlestick are nice, as would inducing a 1-2-3 double play
my ERA is about to go up…big time
who do i think i am, Tom Glavine? Dick Nibbler?
G Unit thinks he is me.
I am a fat, Cub hating piece of shit, who is as wide as he is tall.
top of the third G-Unit leads of. Enri-key will pinch hit. How you like me now, dudes?
Gas!!!!!!!!
Hairston sure knows how to get hit by a pitch.
Oh no! That pitch broke the hand that Derrek fractured last night! Just look at the pain I’m in in this picture!
What did Dubois do in left field?
I am dominant…well against the Cubs at least.
DuBois played matador to a sinking line drive.
Hey guys, I’m ready to shut Pissburgh out when you need me. I changed my number to 0, and I’ve decided to make an 0 shape with my finger whenever I strike someone out. The expression I make when I do this will soon be known as the “O-face”
Actually, I more than live up to my reputation. I’m great.
I’m up at Chicagosports.com:
Pick the coach you would like to have over for dinner?
Dusty Baker
Ozzie Guillen
Scott Skiles
Lovie Smith
Brian Sutter
My 4.22 ERA scares you guys doesn’t it? That’s almost as low was the Lawnmower
Are we allowed to verbally and maybe physically abuse said coach?
Well you can always sautee your food in (Bam! Bam! Bam!) arsenic…
I do one thing real well. All the pitchers that spend time in me are cocky and over confident. Wells, Fogg, Garland, Cotts, etc… All these guys act like Cy Young winners, their numbers aren’t great, but they look tough out on that mound. I love the way they square their shoulders when they strike someone out. All have called out teammates before too.
wanstedt isn’t in the poll
Thanks for dinner, dude. I love veal scalampini, bro. Bam, dude…bam.
Heh, there. We had guys flyin’ around, making plays…ehh…I …ehhh…you guys…heeh. I mean I’m here at Pitt now, see. I…ehh…we’re gonna turn this thing around. Thanks for dinner.
Does Brenley still manage us? Shit.
[img]http://snltranscripts.jt.org/89/pics/89ecolonblow3.jpg[/img]
I was great offensive coordinator in Chicago! proof is I still have an NFL job, as a water boy but I’m STILL in the NFL and you are not
I’m gunning for the starting 3B role.
I was great offensive coordinator in Chicago! proof is I still have an NFL job, as a water boy but I’m STILL in the NFL and you are not
you caught me. My alias is “Disapointed”.
Finally, I’m back in action!
Please have me over for dinner, as I can only afford ramen noodles and Kraft mac and cheese at this point, to go with my free rotgut supplied by my boss Bill.
Dank you fo dinner, meng. Taco night at your house ees fun, meng. Pass the Jalepenos, you Venezuelan f#$*k!
Being invited over for dinner might be fung for you fans, but not for me. C’mon, am I going to get the same quality of food at someone’s house that his wife cooked that I’d get at Gibson’s? Hell, no! Why, there’s no valet stand there either. They’re going to make me park on the street. And the bathrooms are antiquated. They don’t have those hand blowers.
It’s no good, mang.
Anyone have me in the Dead Pool?
Well…dinner was good. Obviously, we had some things that could be improved on. But, overall I am happy with the veal. Do we want a quality dinner every night? Yes, I think so. But thank you for dinner anyway.
Sutty
don’t complain. The $6/hr wage you get is WAY more than minimum wage. It is bad enough that I have to pay for pucks.
I’m about to be tied.
Thats true, Boss, but at least you don’t have to pay for players…
… and haven’t since 1998
The dreaded lead off walk.
Dinner? What the f@%! am I supposed to do, go out there and let me f@%!in’ players get destroyed every day and be quiet about it? 85% of the f@%!in’ world is working, and the other 15% come out here, trying to win a chance to make f@%!in’ dinner for a f@%! like me! A f@%!in’ playground for the c@!$suckers.
What I’m tryin’ to say is don’t rip them f@%!in’ guys ’cause they’re givin’ everything they can give. Pass the f@%!in’ salt, c@!$sucker.
I usually only beat bad teams.
Kip Wells looks like me!
I’m teaching you bitches a lesson. Sometimes, your going to have to win without me
True to form today, Kip
Looks like that’s gonna continue today.
We are bad.
Remember when the sux were really high on me. They even compared me to Nolan Ryan. Looks like they were right.
Dusty said he was gonna give me a day off.
I think I’ll take today off.
So are we.
Anyone know Wells’ pitch count limit?
Maybe if he gets tired the Cubs can rack up some hits.
I like dinner. It’s one of the three meals you would have in a day. When we look at the recipes and evaluate what happened during the cooking process a little more, I can elaborate further.
I got a hit? I mean…I got a hit.
Well, this game is going along swimmingly…
Dear diary: today someone INTENTIONALLY walked me!
I have no limit, when I smell a win, I dominate on my way to victory. I am amazingly talented.
Dinner? DINNER? Don’t talk to me about dinner! I’m just hoping we can win a game, another game!
What’s a walk?
I got a walk today. That’s something, right?
If you win me, can you have a bad start and then throw me in the stands?
Cubs approach is terrible once again. Barrett up 2-0 and swings half assed at a change up on 2-0. I was always taught that if you are up 2-0 and don’t get a fastball you take it.
We’re not really gonna get shut out by the pirates, are we?
Uh, how low was the pitch I swung at?
Yes, you get me today.
And thus edeth the season.
We don’t have a clue at the plate. Kip Wells is a 3 time cy young winner, but we should still be able to get to this guy eventually.
The Cubs weren’t planning on having a Kerry Wood glove giveaway, but since he’s not around to make starts and throw them into the stands, they have a surplus.
…poop free today.
I think it’s nice that the Cubs are getting back to the more familiar ‘well, we’re pitching well, but not hitting’ excuse for losing instead of that weird, ‘we’re hitting, but not pitching.’
Nice to see I was the second guy to make a Kerry glove toss joke. Oops.
3 hit game for me today!
If anybody needs us we’ll be in the can
The Cubs love to swing at me.
Hope you guys can handle getting swept this weekend.
0 for Pitts.
Yeah, definately the pits.
Not me, I hate to swing period.
Only 2 of us have any hits today… go figure.
Has Masur EVER given the pitch type when he does his fantastic play-by-play?
All in a days work I guess.
Nobody does more without a bat or a glove than Mike Fontenot.
You know what that means…
It’s hero time, bitches!
You know what that means…
Pitch to me again, I dare you.
I’m back. Pat had some issues with the stall door.
I think my arm is tired.
Anyone in the bullpen?
I’m half a hero! Finish it up, Derrrrrrrek, or more likely Jeromy.
Sterling announcing there, Andy. Almost up to the intensity of Ed Farmer.
Sheesh!
You dare challenge me again?
Not for you, Derrek
Andy Masur, that is.
Thanks, Chuck!
Hey, Derrek, stop stealing my check swing pop out thing!
Heh heh.
No D-Lee for me today.
Team savior or not, that was pathetic.
Well I did win us one game against the powerful AAA Pirates. I mean do you expect me to win both?
Was that me?
I gots me a commercial, too!
In order for this team to even hit .500, I will have to win the triple crown.
I’ll put this thing away!
3 sac flies represent all the scoring today…
I LOVE THIS GAME!
Chuck, you oughta here me as an announcer.
You know, I’d say an “FYC” moment is way, way, way overdue.
Look who’s due up third.
That was easy.
Wuertz for closer!
It’s hero time, bitches!
I wouldn’t even hire Ru Paul
Any bets on a 4 pitch K for Korey?
Awww, what the hell. You’re on Chuck.
starts with a walk
Why so charatible Chuck, I would assume you’d set his over/under at 3
We can’t do this 2 days in a row, can we?
quietly up to .272
I can’t believe they sent me
Wow. McClendon the dumbass out dumbassed by Baker.
Should I have swung there?
have got to be fucking kidding me.
Nobody knows the signs. Especially Dusty.
Teej:
Loser buys a Coke over a Kohl’s. Do I get 4 pitches, no more, no less? Or do I get four or fewer?
Hah! I’m not the only one!
What happened?
I wonder if Jeromy would have scored on that?
Tie game!. Oh yeah. Baker the fuckwad.
Was it a straight steal or did someone miss a bunt?
I got thrown out trying to steal second. It was apparently a hit and run, where I ran but Michael didn’t try to hit. Then…he doubled.
Could I be any dumber? How will I spin this one? Did someone miss a sign again? I suck. I am clueless.
I lose.
Fuck you Chuck!
I have no doubt that Pittsburgh stole a sign.
Well, I did call four pitches!
Christ.
I’m gonna get a walk here. FYC !!
Oh … it’s intentional.
Ooh, let me at him! I’m hot!
Hollandsworth is pinch hitting for Dubois?
You have got to be fucking kidding me.
OK, you can owe me.
Did I look back, or was it a straight steal?
If he’s not good enough to play over Dubois everyday, then why is he good enough to pinch-hit for him with the game on the line?
I knew that Dusty would make that switch, dumbass.
I am without speech as to the dumbness of this move. I can see having Todd hit for Macias, but not Jason.
I am not a good pinch hitting option. Or something.
I’m 0 for my last 15, put me in coach.
Don’t worry, if Hollandsworth can’t do it, we’ve always got Macias…*sob*
You hear that folks? Pat Hughes thinks I’m overdue for a hit! Gosh, I hope he’s right!
I looked back
I don’t want Todd getting four ABs, dude.
Just the most important one.
If Holly gets an out he’ll be right on me.
Hollandsworth singles, Barrett out at home.
Dude, the rule says you got have a guy pinch hit for a guy who plays the same position.
I scared of Todd. I walk him now. Go after Gremlin.
Red hot hitters like myself always try and jump on the first pitch especially with how bad Mesa has been this inning.
There might be magic in me yet.
I won’t let you walk me! That’ll show you!
i’ve thrown about 2 strikes this inning
I was due! And it helped that Daryle Ward sucks.
He was due. Just like George Mitterwald.
I got lucky.
Hollandsworth is on the list.
How about you Macias?
I’m a genius, dude.
I’m speechless
Macias stays in?
See! There was magic in me!
I won’t even go into the sheer lunacy of having E-ramis available to pinch hit and then using Hollandsworth, who gets a hit, but then compounding it by letting Macias hit. I just confused myself by typing this.
3-2 Cubs.
Meet your new everyday left fielder!
How’d he score on an infield single?
What happened with Hollandsworth?
It’s a sac fly fest, and now my score is actually right.
Cubs think this is the NBA. Just start the game in the 9th.
3-2 Cubs?
Ward misplayed a grounder, took a bad hop
I am THE man today, baby.
Hollandsworth grounded one off of Daryle Ward and into foul ground. Barrett scored.
Macias hit a sac fly to score Corey.
F U Enrique!
Teej:
Regular or Diet?
Well, at least I’m up now?
If ward tries to get infront of that ball cubs might have been in trouble…
I just ate a dozen deep fried tacos.Yumm…
I’m either going to homer or strike out. I’m not running.
I get crafty vetern in enrique and you pinch hit with Eramis, dusty what are you doing?
Do I look like I’m on a diet?
You guys ready to trade for me yet?
Dempster. Ehhh!!!!!!!!
We like to strike out on ptches heading for our heads.
I will save this game.
Can The Dumpster save 2 in a row?
Not if I have anything to say about it, Dumpster. As wide as I am tall, huh? We’ll see if you’re still giggling when I’m done calling the bottom of the 9th.
Teej:
Perhaps you avoid sugar due to excessive cavaties?
I like this Cub team meng, they play Ozzie-ball.
This will be interesting.
Another 2 bagger.
I’m going to make this as hard as possible.
Chuck,
My wife works for the Chicago Dental Society, so cavities are good for business so to speak.
I am lurking. I will win this game.
Tijke now has as many doubles today as Korey does all year?
This will not end happily.
Now that freakin’ Macowiak will kill us. Dammit.
FYC!
Don’t worry, No new babies today
I am in to guide Ryan through the ninth! It would be nice if his pitches would make it to me on the fly however.
Machowiak had any kids lately?
Did I have any kids today?
Let’s play two!
Who woke me up?
We’ve got it won now that Hank’s in.
When I come in with the sacks packed and K the side, you will call me Willy Wagner!
Fearless prediction. Mackowiak walks. Hill doubles. Game over.
This is when my traditionally excellent control comes in so handy!
Am I due today?
Anyone else rubbing the believe bracelet right now?
That sounds like a euphemism …
Shut up Chuck
Pencil in another win for the Pirates
FYC!
I ain’t using Bobby now so you can’t be right. Well, yet anyway.
I’d rather have Macowiak walk then hit a walk-off homer.
Did I get hurt?
I torched that Believe bracelet weeks ago. I hope Cubs Care goes bankrupt.
Well, I’m up now.
Macias tried to blow a good play.
Damnit, Hairston, I had this game ended!
Go get ’em, brother!
Yay! Andy’s against charities trying to cure me!
I will make sure we don’t win this game.
I’m…I’m not good. E-4.
How many times do we have to see it: Jerry Hairston (or “Harriston” as Santo calls him) SUCKS!!!
Put me in! I’ll save this puppy!
Wow….
CUBS WIN
Never in doubt.
Cubs win!
6-4-3.
I’m not, um I’m not, uh, I’m not… good.
Was there really any doubt in anybody’s mind?
This WAS an NBA game.
We sure made this one interesting, huh?
See. That was easy.
They’re scrappy.
They’re not particularly good, but they’re scrappy.
And yes, I’m unfortable with Len bragging about the two-game SWEEP.
Thank God for the day off tomorrow
I don’t think I could handle any more freaking drama
that’s all there is to say. Wow.
Or uncomfortable. Wow, I left out three letters. Yikes.
Jerry Hairston,
I deem thee “Jerry the Lesser Bobbler”.
It just goes to show you, if you give this team 3 chances to turn a double play, they’ll convert one of them.
Seriously.
Who knew?
Hey Cubs,
After you sweep us, you’ll get over .500 again with the Assholes coming to town!
I loaded the bases and got 3 outs in only 13 pitches.
Cubs closer…its not just a job, its an adventure.
Good thing Scotty Hairston atoned for his error.
CT:
Not including 10/03.
Not only did you leave out 3 letters Andy, but you put an unnecessary s on the front of crappy.
It’s a win but god help em when they play a decent team..
Hey Bob, what do you know from Atoning?
Who would have thought we’d miss the sure handed defense of Todd Walker?
I’ll make my debut in the Sox series. And they will regret it.
I’m just not sure if THEY are the Cubs or Sox yet.
I’ll let you know Sunday.
The smartest move by Dempster in the ninth was walking Rob M. I know he didn’t try it, but it turned out to be the smartest. That’s Cub baseball folks, do enough dumb shit it turns out in you favor once in a blue moon.
Are we ready yet? Iowa sucks.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Order your playoff tickets NOW!!!
Nah, they’re scrappy. The difference is when they battle back to tie or lead a good team they still find a way to blow it.
Dudes, I’d rather have you guys over-ready than under-ready.
I think Jar Jar Plesac could use some more animation.
Wow, I’m gonna get so fired.
Dusty,
We would rather be underready than overready for you to be fired, but we already passed that point haven’t we
Cubs now have an 8-9 record in 1 run games.
I agree with ya, Sweaty Joe.
Wow, a Steve Alford sighting. Just what I always wanted. We don’t get nearly enough of those here in Southern Indiana, you know.
On Burnitz thrown out stealing in the ninth. That was a pitchout.
We’re wearing our Cubs BELIEVE bracelets!
Ask Pierre Pierce. Another 239 phone calls to his alleged victims after the judge warned him that one more violation of the no-contact order would be in violation of his pre-trial release and would likely send him to jail.
Looks like my joint will have the best institutional basketball team.
Hi, we’re a succession of punchlines:
Friday 5/20- Jennie Finch & the Chicago Bandits softball team
Sat 5/21 – Jamie Denton (Desperate Housewives)
Sun 5/22 – Roy Jones Jr.
Mon 5/23 – TBD
Tue 5/24 – Jeff Gordon
Wed 5/25 – Digger Phelps
Thu 5/26 – Kathy & Judy (WGN Radio)
Fri 5/27 – NIU football coach Joe Novak
Sat 5/28 – Mickey Morandini
Sun 5/29 – Illinois basketball team
Apex,
I bet you don’t get enough of me, either:
Yilch.
Desperate Housewifes? Jeff Gordon? Anyone else who takes it in the giggy from a variety of dudes wanna sing the Stretch?
Oooh! I get to be there for Digger Phelps. Who’s Digger Phelps? Can I trade for Mickey Morandini?
I’m a goofy looking dude
hey pissburg can you spel SWEEP?
who’s yo daddy clowns?
SWEEPylaya in your HOUSEaya
Pissburgh may not be able to spell sweep, but we can’t even spell the word “spell.” ^
Another Sweaty Joe game again today! Do the Cubs always have to play one run ballgames. They’ve played 16 one run games out of 38 as of today. They have gone 8-8 in those games. I’d say you can blame that half and half on both our shitty bullpen and horrid clutch hitting.
But today panned out even though Jerry Hairston Jr. did all he could do to put up an L. He damn near helped us out by getting his finger broke when he got hit by that pitch. I ask this question yet again; why can’t some of the shitty players on the Cubs ever get hurt. It’s always the players that have potential and are usually good that get sent to the DL. But guys like Hairston Jr. or Hawkins never get hurt. That’s fucking amazing.
Anyway, FDAJF= Fuck Dusty And Jim Forever
Baker and Jim Basher
Why is it none of the really lame posters get me?
On the next episode of “The Front Office”….
Heck, I live right next door and I still don’t get why you can’t spell your own name.
Everyone in the Despio Gamecast logo is wearing us!