Fifteen runs. Sixteen hits. Twelve walks. Are these really the Cubs? The Chicago Cubs? Sure it was only one day. But when you pants the F@#$ing Mets on opening day on national TV, it’s a pretty damn good one day.

What was better, the sight of Roger Cedeno inexplicably charging in on a flyball that would fall a good 80 feet behind him, or watching Tom Glavine take the long, slow walk of shame from the mound to the dugout in the fourth inning of his Mets’ debut?

Since it’s Tom Glavine, I’d say he gets the edge there.

You know it’s a laugher when the Cubs use every extra man except for Paul Bako. I think Art Howe should have called Dusty and thanked him for not exposing his pitchers to even more humiliation. If you come into the game and Paul Bako gets a hit off of you…well, it’s time to rethink your career choice.

The real stories of the game centered around the four hit, two homer, seven RBI day for Corey Patterson and the six straight relief strikeouts from Juan Cruz. It was a day when Jim Hendry could happily stick his head out of the hole and see daylight. Throw in a heaping helping of Hee Seop Choi dismissing lefthanded pitching like it was a mere inconvienience and you really hope we’ll see more days when the farm hands make Jim look smart.

There will be days when Corey whiffs four times and Juan walks the ballpark, so you need to take a moment to revel in the good days.

Half a continent away, the White Sox hit their snooze button and got shut down by Kansas City pitching superstar Runlevys Hernandez. Excuse me?

It may only be a day, but it’s nice to see the anemic Cubs offense put 30 men on base the same day the vaunted Sox lumber company comes up with nothing but termites and dust. Muahahahahaha!

By now, the world has seen replay upon replay of Derek Jeter leaving his left shoulder on the third base bag at Sky Dome. That has to suck. It was nice to see the Yes Network announcers keep it in perspective. Play-by-play guy Michael Kay said, “It was the ‘Perfect Storm’. A confluence of events that attributed to this injury.” A perfect storm? More like a guy trying to advance to a vacant third base only to have the catcher hustle over to cover.

And in Tampa, little buddy Theo Epstein’s closer-by-committee got it’s first chance yesterday. Pedro Martinez blanked the D-Rays through seven. Alan Embree started the ninth with a 4-1 lead and the game ended with Chad Fox giving up a three-run jack to Carl Crawford for a 6-4 Tampa win.

There’s nothing wrong with not paying $8 million for a closer. I contend that just about every team already has a guy in their bullpen who could convert 90 percent of their saves if they’d just let him. What the Red Sox are doing seems shortsighted. There is a way to go about “revolutionizing” the closer role if you ask me. (You didn’t but hang in there.)

1) Find your one true stud reliever and use him any time after the sixth inning when the game is on the line. What I mean is, if you’re clinging to a 4-2 lead in the seventh and there are two on with the other team’s best hitter up, don’t wait! Bring the stud in to save the game right then. If that means he pitches to one or two guys in the seventh, so be it. You don’t have to leave him in to finish the game.

The reason the Red Sox closer-by-committee won’t work is because NONE of the guys they have are good enough to close out close games. Bobby Howry? Alan Embree? Any more ex-Sox they can trot out?

Corey Patterson had his Tuffy Rhodes moment. Now let’s hope he doens’t follow Tuffy’s career path.

Juan Cruz gave up one cheesy hit (should have been an error on Mark Bellhorn) and then made the Mets take six straight u-turns.

Rick Morrissey says the Cubs deserve to bask in the glow of day one. If even for only one day.

Mike Downey was in Kansas City, obviously befuddled by what he saw.

Kirby Puckett’s side of the story is that he merely gave the woman a tour of the men’s room? Wow. Try again, Kirb.

Mariotti puts down the doughnut to praise Corey for his restraint on his big day.

Mike Kiley says that Corey’s day puts him the rarified air of a Brett Alyea! Well, that’s great. Right?

Gruddy’s back locked up on him. That sounds bad.

Derek Jeter’s prognosis will be learned today. Omar Vizquel should be modeling pinstripes by tax day.

Tyson Chandler’s got an ulcer. Eww.

The Wizard of Roz was less than impressed by the Sox effort.

How odd. On a day Derek Jeter’s shoulder makes headlines, Michael Jeter dies. Creepy.

Not only did Peter Arnett get whacked yesterday, but Geraldo got kicked out of the country. The bad news, he didn’t get kicked out of our country.

A North Carolina man really likes curly fries. A little too much.

Al Gore is defending the Dixie Chicks. Yeah, that ought to help. Of course, Al knows a thing or two about not being liked by your home state.

The world’s greatest newspaper with the shocking news that America is running out of supermodels! Oh, the horror!