You know that your world has been unmistakenly changed when the Cubs need a big hit and you think to yourself, “Damn, I wish Neifi Perez was up.”
Granted, you wish for Derrek Lee first, but then…it’s Neifi?
Last night, Neifi launched a three run bomb in the second inning that so unnerved Dodgers starter Derek Lowe that he started throwing some stool around in the dugout after the inning. By stool, I don’t mean feces (his own or anyone else’s), I mean an actual metal stool. It apparently had at least one jagged edge on it, because Lowe cut his hand open just above the wrist. What a dope.
Lowe batted in the bottom of the inning and kept looking at his hand, as if gazing at it would make it stop hurting. Then in the top of the third there was a long delay while the Dodgers’ training staff (apparently led by Sandy Krum) kind of huddled around Derek, looking at it and saying, “Hey, it’s bleeding!”
I just watched “Faith Of Our Fathers” on A&E, the movie they made about John McCain’s POW time at the infamous Hanoi Hilton. Other than the guy who played McCain (Shawn Hatosy) being the worst actor…ever, it appears that the Vietnamese had a more crack medical staff than the Dodgers do. It’s a wonder JD Drew’s still upright.
This was a game the Cubs were supposed to lose. They started John Koronka, a Shawn Estes look-a-like (right down to the straight as a string 82 MPH fastball and a curve that hangs like wet laundry), and the Dodgers started Mr. October 2004, Derek Lowe.
It was Koronka’s Major League debut, and Len Kasper didn’t exactly make us all feel better as Koronka was struggling through the third Len said, “Hey the guy the Cubs sent to AAA Iowa to replace Koronka, Rich Hill, struck out 14 men tonight in just over six innings! Here’s the 2-0 to Drew and it almost makes it all the way to home plate!”
Other than that third inning, Koronka didn’t acquit himself poorly. He even made a nice fielding play to end that third inning. Plus, Comcast showed his girlfriend in the stands and she wasn’t half bad. Kind of a poor man’s Jennie Finch. Does that make Koronka a poor man’s Casey Daigle? Because I can tell you right now, that’s not going to work.
There was all kinds of good stuff last night. Corey Patterson extended the world’s most obscure hitting streak to six games with a double. Comcast hadn’t switched to the game yet because they had to show us about nine minutes of commercials (most of them about…Comcast—do you guys ever SELL ads?) after the Sox game had finally ended. But we’ll take their word for it. Corey was on second, though I’m suspicious that he struck out, reached on a passed ball and snuck into second while the Dodgers were huddling up and planning ways to get Jim Tracy fired.
Regular Joe came in to pitch the sixth and, as he’s done in his other appearances so far this year he gave up some bombs. When you give up a homer to Jason Phillips…well, that’s a BAD pitch.
By the time Todd Wellemeyer was done taking a flamethrower to the bottom of the seventh, things had gotten interesting. Mike Wuertz bailed him out and it was a 6-5 Cubs’ lead.
Neifi got his fourth hit of the game in the top of the eighth. Enrique Wilson followed with his first (and likely only) hit as a Cub (it didn’t leave the infield), and then Lee decided he’d had enough drama and launched one deep into the LA night to make it 9-5 Cubs. Drive home safely.
Ryan Dempster inexplicably pitched the ninth, his third straight appearance–maybe Dusty doesn’t expect a save chance tonight?
On the night Derrek and Neifi were 9-10 with two homers and seven RBI. Is that good? Seems like it’s good.
Corey even made a nice diving catch early in the game when some Dodgers outfielder who nobody’s ever heard of lined one into the left field gap.
Oh, we also saw a sight we didn’t think we’d ever see. Jason Dubois going into a game in the seventh to play defense. OK, he wasn’t really in to play defense, he was part of a double switch. The good news was that Jose Macias was unavailable to be used in that spot. The bad news is that it’s because he’d already played in the game.
E-ramis sat out with a sore ankle, though he was allegedly available for pinch hitting duty. It’d be nice if he would be able to play tonight. Or stand. Either one would be good.
The win, in case you haven’t heard, was the Cubs’ sixth in a row. They have now won nine of their last 11. You know, if Corey keeps his glove open in the Saturday Sox game and the Cubs don’t phone in that effort against Jason Jennings…oh, never mind, I don’t even want to think about it.
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Len Kasper e-mailed back his answers to “our” questions (you had your chance to e-mail them in, if you didn’t, well, don’t gripe about it now–maybe next time) and I’ll post that interview later today. Yes, you have to wait. You’ll like it, it’s pretty funny. It’s obvious he actually ‘gets it.’
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The All-Star balloting results to date were released yesterday and all I can say about them is that America (and Ontario) is full of dopes. Complete morans. It’s like this guy did all the voting.
It’s one thing that crotchety old Albert Pujols is leading the voting at first base even though Derrek Lee has been superior to him at every facet of the game so far this year. Albert’s a great player, blah, blah, blah, and that’s not a big deal.
But Nomar’s leading the voting at shortstop. Yes, the same Nomar who was hitting .157 when his groin detatched and rolled down into his sock. You know what’s worse? The Garden Gnome, David Eckstein is next in the voting. David Eckstein?
Every single Cardinals player is in the top five in the voting at his position. Scott Rolen, who’s been hanging with Nomar for a month has more votes than Chipper Jones. This makes sense.
Lassie’s second in voting in the outfield. Apparently pederasts aren’t allowed to vote for president but they can vote for All-Stars.
What’s obvious is that the hillbillies have nothing better to do than vote for the All-Star Game. I can’t remember the last time I actually voted for the damn thing. I was at the All-Star Game in Milwaukee in 2001 and nobody even bothered to win it, so pardon me if I don’t have the same fervor as the red horde does. (Don’t even get me started on Bob Brenly’s assertion that if you wanted managers to try and win the All-Star Game they need to be able to pick Craig Counsell for the team. Let’s just pretend he didn’t say that.)
I don’t even understand how the Cardinals players can get that many votes? Do they have laminated ballots in St. Louis with photos of the players? I’ve seen these people. They have to eat at Denny’s because it’s all they can afford, and because they can’t read the menu, they just point at the food. How are they voting?
You know what’s going to be the best part of the All-Star festivities (there’s a great word) this year? The Home Run Derby. Now that the sluggers are off the juice, you’re going to see somebody like Rafael Furcal win it with three homers.
I’m sure there’s a gaggle of morbidly obese shut-ins who the Cardinals pay to sit around all day punching ballots while being fed Cool Ranch Doritos through an IV. Hey, if it means that much to you. Go get ’em!
Isn’t there a way you can vote for the team with your cellphone? If there was, well I guarantee you that Neifi would get the start.
Can you vote for the All Star Game online?
Get off the computer, kid.
I had them switch my IV from Cool Ranch Doritos to Chili Cheese Fritos. I don’t have to deal with chives getting stuck in the feeding tube anymore, and my punching productivity is up over twenty percent. Pujols…Eckstein…Rolen…Grudzalananana….
“Plus, Comcast showed his girlfriend in the stands and she wasn’t half bad. Kind of a poor man’s Jennie Finch. Does that make Koronka a poor man’s Casey Daigle? Because I can tell you right now, that’s not going to work.”
Nice. That weekend was just what the Dr. ordered. I laughed so hard at this I almost… pooped my pants as the fella says.
You can milk anything with nipples.
George likes to milk the bulls.
Bush talking about nipples. Major confusion here…
Hey Apex, if you pooped your pants, would your brain fall out?
Chuck, you must have missed my roast of my husband to the Washington Press Corp where I implied that Bush pulled a “Kingpin” on the bulls. No biggie.
I know a couple of Cardinal fan goofs (I know, that’s redundant) who actually got thousands of ballots in 1985 when Tommy Herr sold his soul to the devil for one good season. They used ice picks to punch out thousands of votes for Herr so he’d beat out Sandberg at second base.
I, for one, really like those commercials Eckstein does with Travelocity.
the curse = latroy
Finally someone mentioned my streak! I know Derrek’s been pretty hot lately, but I don’t think he should get all the attention. I’m heating up too. I only stranded like 4 runners last night! You can call me Derrek Lite.
Our beloved Cardinal players might be leading the All-Star polls for a few reasons:
1) Many of them have good offensive numbers and the players are traditionally (not necessarily right) voted in on the strength of his offense;
B) The voting public is always a year behind on “who’s good.” They still think Nomar is good (which he wasn’t when he was actually healthy), and they are going off the assumption that Cardinal players were in the World Series last year and are therefore worthy of this year’s All-Star starts; and
3) The strength of the Cardinals fan base should not be underestimated. This is a team that draws from St. Louis all the way down to Atlanta, including parts of Oklahoma, Arkansas, Nebraska, Louisiana, Mississippi, Kentucky, Tennessee, Alabama, and all the other states with a sizeable trailer park population.
Red Bird Nation, They all should go out and get a fuckin’ job and see what it is to make a fuckin’ living. The All-Star Ballot is a playground for those cocksuckers.
Where kin we git summor a dem All-Star ballits?
I really like how the Evil Red Bird fans are responsible for their players being in the front-running of the the All-Star balloting. You are vastly overestimating them and underestimating their pretty good position players they have fielded. Hate the Cardinals and Genius all you want, but the fact remains they have a great record, and that’s all that matters, whether us Cubs fans like it or not.
Christ, the Tommy Herr spot was finally dry and ready for retirement after 20 years and then, whoosh, the floodgates open again.
Andy, on your Dumbass Du Jour section, is it ‘dumb-ass’, or ‘dum-bass’? I’ve been hooked up to the fritos machine too long, and I can’t tell.
I’m from Oklahoma but don’t lump in with the trailer park faithful that love guys that wear more eyelier than Tammy Faye Baker and love guys by the name of POO-HOLES
George Mikan dead pool selectee……winner
Sloth my friend…stop with the Lays products. Go with a nice Jays or store brand over that Lays junk.
Plus I will give you a free slushy next time in!!!
The Cardinals really should only have three position players getting enough votes to be considered for being a starter: General Pujols, Lassie, and Scott Rolen (This before Rolen’s injury)… David Eckstein being second in SS votes right now is laughable… Granted the NL isn’t that strong at the shortstop position, but guys like Greene in SD, Wilson in PIT, and even Furcal in ATL (Although he’s struggling) are better and should be getting more votes in my opinion.
Reggie Sanders in the top five at his position? Last I checked, he was batting under .240 and hadn’t hit a breaking ball since the second Cubs/Cards series last year. Yadier Molina? He couldn’t have hit anything with a sequoia in April and the first part of May…
People who discuss all-star voting ought to shampoo my crotch.
That All-Star stuff has always been a bunch of bullshit and still is. If I was DLee and Neifi, I’d tell them to fuck off and get some rest. The Cubs will need everything they can get from these two guys down the stretch because these others losers aren’t supplying much. DLee and Neifi are quite a duo right now!
How many runners is Korey Patterson going to strand this year? Why Korey doesn’t even make contact with runners on is fucking amazing? For that reason alone, you need to get rid of him. He will cost the Cubs more games with his pathetic offensive display besides saving them games with his defensive play. It’s time to cut this disappointment loose.
I hate this kid so bad I could handle Jose Macias playing centerfield. Yes, I said that. Korey just makes you cringe with his attitude though. He’s a bad excuse for current minor leaguers.
Hopefully the Cubs will make it 7 in a row tonight due to Fish Lips Rusch great pitching again.
GO CUBS!
FDAKF=Fuck Dusty And Korey Forever
I am the NL All-Star SS. Fear me.
Eckstein has a higher batting average and OBP than Greene, Wilson, or Furcal. Wilson and Furcal are downright crappy this year.
Eckstein: .302/.377/.392
Furcal: .229/.281/.333
Greene: .277/.336/.464
J. Wilson: .234/.273/.351
It should be Neifi or Izturis, but did you even bother to look?
I am a perfect illustration of the “vote for last year’s stars” voding method. Green and Furcal are last year’s news. Izturis and Neifi! are the all-star SSs for this year, but they’ll be forgotten (Neifi! for sure) when July 12 rolls around.
Hey Crying Towel, I was just pointing out that the Rebird Morans have been stuffing the ballot boxes for twenty years, so we shouldn’t be surprised that it continues. I’m just surprised they have figured out how to punch the ballots, or how they have any time to fill them out at the ball park between standing ovations and curtain calls for their heros.
I will be honest that I didn’t look up Wilson’s stats. I didn’t know he was going that poorly in comparision to Eckstein. I will say based on that Eckstein should be getting votes over Wilson. Greene has more power potential than Eckstein and he has a better arm and is better defensively than Eckstein, and Furcal is simply struggling right now. I still think both of those guys are better than Eckstein, and if Wilson does improve I think he is better than Eckstein as well.
I also didn’t look at the stats for Neifi! (He’s like at .285 with 6 HR right?) or Izturis, pray tell…
Hop to it, Dolan.
Neifi: .315/.342/.475 6HR
Izturis: .345/.392/.426 1HR
So, what you’re saying is All-Star balloting shouldn’t have to do with how a player performs on the field, just how well you think the guy should be doing (Furcal)?
“if Wilson does improve I think he is better than Eckstein as well.” So if Wilson plays better than Eckstein in the future, you think he’ll be better. I suppose that’s true.
Barmes deserves consideration too.
If I improve, Barmes deserves nothing!
In a way Brian, yes. I think performance must be considered, but I have voted online and in a stadium a couple times for the All-Star Game and I have voted for guys that weren’t doing that well but had done so in the past and I thought would turn it around by the end of the season. Just because a guy has a bad two months doesn’t turn him into a non-All Star in my opinion. Now, if a guy has a bad year and then follows it up with another bad two months, then I probably wouldn’t vote for him.
You may disagree with that way of thinking, but that’s how I decided a few of my All-Star votes in the past.
yes, post me. Some intrepid readers are leaving in 30 minutes for a 5 day weekend
Hey, that’s fine. Then Derrek Lee has nothing over Pujols or Helton.
It honestly compels me to say, that Andrew Dolan never interviewed me.
But Andy did interview me.
https://www.desipio.com/features/guests/andy/103102-desipiointerview-hubarkush.htm
Hi everybody! I’ve been busy visiting Southern California, but I thought I’d stop in here to see if I can induce Andy into posting the Kasper Interview!
Derrek Lee, right now, should be the starting first baseman for the 2005 NL All-Star team. I don’t think that will happen, but he has had a solid career and is having a truly great 2005 so far. There is no way any other NL first baseman except Pujols should even be considered to get the spot over Lee. My point/argument goes to certain positions where there is no clear first choice for me. Shortstop this year would be one of those positions. I must admit I would probably vote for Greene or Izturis (Now that I know his stats) or maybe even Neifi!. If I had to vote tomorrow, I would probably go for Greene however. Just my opinion.
I realize the last two sentences of my last comment do not read very well. Sorry.
From that Hub interview, this might have been the funniest single line in Desipio history.
“Hub: Look, I’m not going to make this a referendum on who I’ve blown.”
Red Bird Nation? You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
May the force be with you, b#tches!