Barrett: Did you hear that we're after Preston Wilson?  Greg: Oh, God no!
The Chicago Tribune is reporting today that a Cubs’ “source” has confirmed the team is interested in acquiring Preston Wilson from the Rockies to play left field and strike out like a banshee.

At first, I was excited about the possibility of the trade, after all “Sullivan’s Travels” is a great movie. But then I remembered that was Preston Sturges, not Wilson.

Preston Wilson. Oh, yeah, the guy from “The Music Man” and “Mame”, right?

No, that’s Robert Preston.

Both Preston Sturges and Robert Preston are dead.

They’re also both better left field options than Preston Wilson.

It’s true, the Cubs haven’t had a dead left fielder since Ozzie Timmons, so maybe it’s time to try that again? Or maybe not.

A quick glance at Preston Wilson’s numbers and things don’t look so bad.

He’s a .266 career hitter with power and some speed. He even has some nice career Wrigley Field numbers (but doesn’t everybody?).

And this year he’s off to a pretty good start. A .274 average with 11 homers, 35 RBI and an .851 OPS. OK, he’s no star, but those numbers would make him the best Cubs outfielder (which, these days is much like being the prettiest pig in the poke).

Except for one thing. He plays his home games at Coors Field and that’s where he’s done almost all of his…no, scratch that, all of his damage.

Home: .310 batting average, .371 on base average, .602 slugging, 8 homers, 26 RBI.
Road: .219 batting average, .280 on base average, .384 slugging, 3 homers, 11 RBI.

Ouch.

OK, now would be a good time to point out that playing in Coors Field almost always artifically inflates your home numbers (unless you’re Mark Bellhorn and then you play there for half a year and never hit a homer) and deflates your road numbers. Even a great hitter like Todd Helton sees a serious depression in his road numbers. Good hitters who’ve left Coors Field have almost always settled in somewhere between their home and road splits from their days in Colorado, instead of just reverting to their road numbers.

Jeromy Burnitz is yet more proof of that. He’s not as good as his Coors numbers showed him to be last year (which we all knew), but he’s been better than his road numbers from last year.

OK, so Preston’s not going to hit .219 if he gets traded to the Cubs. Besides, he had one huge year and two other good ones (plus one lousy one) in Florida when he was a Marlin and Derrek Lee can tell you it’s more fun to hit at Wrigley than Joe Robbie Pro Player Blockbuster Dolphins Field or whatever that is now.

Wilson’s Colorado days can be broken into two parts. In 2003 he was healthy and did what the Rockies expected him to do. He hit lots of homers (36) drove in lots of runs (141) and struck out a lot (139). He had two knee surgeries in 2004, a minor one in April that didn’t work, and then one to fix the problems the first one caused in September, and he was a mess all year. He missed so much time the Rockies played Jeromy in center for a while (wow.)

So IF he’s healthy, you can just throw 2004 out the window. But that’s a big if. He wouldn’t be the first player to have a productive offensive career sidetracked by a knee injury.

The Rockies and Nationals apparently were close to a deal that would have sent Zach Day and Ryan Church to Colorado for Preston. Day still has plenty of potential, but I’m not so sure about Ryan Church. He’s had a nice year for the Nats, and since he’s hitting at home (and nobody hits at RFK) maybe he is going to turn into a nice offensive player. I would think the Cubs have more attractive prospects than him.

One thing we know, if Jim Bowden wants Wilson bad enough, he’ll overpay to get him. This is a guy who couldn’t throw enough money at Cristian Guzman. You had this picture of Guzman sitting in a hotel suite with Bowden tossing $1,000 bills at him until Cristian finally said, “OK, OK, now this is too much. Thanks!”

Another thing we can probably surmise is that Wilson will be a flop at RFK. That’s not a park you want to play in if you’re an all-or-nothing homer or strikeout slugger. I forsee a Nationals future for Preston that includes lots of flyballs to sort of deep left field.

If the Cubs go after him seriously, he fits with Jim Hendry’s targets of trade deadlines past. His team doesn’t want to pay him anymore, he’s near or at the end of his contract (his deal ends this year at $12.5 million) and if the Cubs will eat more cash than their competitors they won’t have to trade as much talent to get him.

While the Gary Sheffield stuff could have been pure fiction, this seems all too real.

Yay?

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The Cubs called up Rich Hill yesterday and he made an unspectacular Major League debut in a game that just never happened. OK. It never happened. The Cubs did not come off a 14-0 win by falling behind 15-0 yesterday. It didn’t exist.

It leaves the Cubs with four lefties in their bullpen, if you believe the tale that Jerome Williams is going to join the rotation Tuesday night in Milwaukee, it means that before Tuesday one of the lefties needs to go away. The smart money is that Cliff Bartosh has pitched so poorly the last few times that he will safely clear waivers and go back to Iowa.

But I think it’s just as likely that Mike Remlinger is traded before Tuesday night and that Williams replaces him on the roster. The Cubs’ 40 man roster is full right now (and with Chad Fox, Nomar and Scott Williamson on the 60-day DL it’s really at 43), and general managers hate to have full 40 man rosters. So a trade that sends Remlinger away and brings back a prospect who doesn’t need to be on the 40 man seems like something Jim Hendry would want to pull off.

Besides, Nomar will be back (right?) and Williamson should be sometime late this season, so you’re going to need two more spots anyway. And it’s not like you can just waive Enrique Wilson or…oh, wait, OK, there’s one.

Fine. What do I know?

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Chris Berman is hosting ESPN’s coverage of the US Open today and tomorrow. Honestly, doesn’t anybody at that network have enough sac to tell him, “Sorry Boomer, you’re too f#$%ing loud, you’ll sweat too much and you don’t know a damn thing about golf?” Of course nobody does. This is the same network that can convince ABC to let one-eyed Stu Scott be a second sideline reporter during the NBA Finals. That leads to exchanges like this.

Al Michaels: We go to Stu Scott with some news on Ben Wallace’s wife. (Mutters to self: Holy shit, is that what he’s going to talk about?)
Stu: Thanks Al, I was talking to Big Ben and he said that his wife tried to lock him out of the house because he was playin so weak. Ben told her ‘Hate the game, not the player, baby!’ But the wifey say…
Al Michaels: Are you done yet, Stu? You know the game is going on.
Stu: She say, “You not playin’, baller! You gots to play!”
Al Michaels: Can we turn his mic off, please?
Stu: ‘Cause as you know, Al, if mama’s not happy, nobody in the house is happy! Back to you!
Al Michaels: Thanks.
Hubie Brown: See here, if you’re Stuart Scott you have got to know when to be quiet. Like right, HERE! Or maybe right NOW! You’re a big-time personality on ESPN, you make a lot of money and you have no tangible skills. You need to learn to turn it off and cash the check.
Al Michaels: F#$% an a, Hube. That’s right.

You think I made Stu’s part of the conversation up, right?

I didn’t.

Ouch.