The Cubs were off yesterday, the potential links all suck, so how about we dig into our old bag of tricks and bring back the world famous, “Things I’m Loathe to Admit”?
I’m loathe to admit that when I looked at this picture of Lindsay Lohan it dawned on me that at this weight, I’ll bet having sex with her makes the same sound as when a golf bag tips over.
I’m watching the TNT-Steven Spielberg mini-series “Into the West” and everytime they focus on the Native Americans I have the urge to split aces.
Honestly, this mini-series should have come with a warning that Keri Russell would not be appearing until week two. Come on!
Speaking of TNT, watch The Closer and see if you find yourself in my quandry. I’ll be watching it and wonder, “Is Kyra Sedgwick Kevin Bacon’s wife, or his mother?”
I have an XM Radio and it’s bad enough that Kelly Clarkson is on channels 21-23 non-stop, but what’s worse is that I know the words to three of her songs now. And yes, like the Sloth says, she was cuter when she was chubby.
Speaking of XM, the Kevin Kennedy-Rob Dibble show is hilarious. How can two guys who have spent so much time in baseball know so little about it? Actually, the entire XM Baseball Channel lineup is full of dopes. When Charley Steiner’s your most insightful host, you’ve got problems.
When I see or hear Luke Stuckmeyer, I feel like I lose 27 IQ points. Shouldn’t he be hosting an awful morning show on a WB affiliate somewhere in Kansas?
I know what Bill Holden is doing (walking from Arizona to Chicago) is generating money and publicity for JDRF, but I can’t help it. I think it’d be funny if he got hit by a bus.
I really hope that Lance Armstrong can finish his career with a seventh Tour de France title. Oh, screw that. I could care less. I think more impressive than winning some stupid bike-a-thon in Europe is that he’s able to keep Sheryl Crow happy with one good one.
(I know, I know, they might be breaking up. Whatever.)
Looks to me like Tom Cruise gave Katie Holmes more than a wedding ring.
I don’t think I’m a bad person, but yesterday when I first heard word that there’d been another earthquake in California I turned on CNN and found myself disappointed that it didn’t do any real damage. I want to be entertained by other’s suffering, damnit! Is that so wrong?
I’m going to see the new Batman Begins, and it’s time to admit that while Batman and Robin sucked, I did enjoy watching Alicia Silverstone try and cram herself into the Batgirl suit.
Despite my disdain for the Cubs’ blue “alternate” jersey, I have a Carlos Zambrano t-shirt version of that abomination. Hey, it’s Carlos, that makes it OK.
I cared too much about Dee Brown’s decision to try and enter the draft. Honestly, why do I care at all? But at least I’m man enough to admit that I don’t care if he has a good NBA career or not, I just want Illinois to beat Wisconsin at least once next year.
If Al Qaeda was convinced that they need to blow up the St. Louis Arch in such a way that it careened into Busch Stadium during a Cardinals-Mets game, and I found out about it, I can’t say I’d try to dissuade them.
If Dick Vitale and Stu Scott sit with Stu on the right of Dick, can either one of them see the other one? This is the stuff I wonder about.
Remember that time on NBC’s NFL Live when Will McDonough thought they’d gone to commercial and called OJ Simpson an “asshole”? Well, I do. And I have a feeling that sometime this year Harold Reynolds and Peter Gammons are going to re-enact that on Baseball Tonight.
I have a favorite Barry Manilow song.
I actually avoid watching shows that I TiVo when they’re on live, because it’s more fun to watch them when I want to, damnit! I don’t want the man telling me when to watch Rescue Me!
I find it troubling that the three most attractive women on Arrested Development (not counting the guest stars) are a lesbian, a 60 year old woman and a 15 year old girl. And if you’re wondering the answer is hell yes, why not and sure.
I’m not a fan of ESPN telling us what sports we OUGHT to think are great. Look, we know that the WNBA is just boring basketball, don’t pretend it’s not. College softball can only truly be enjoyed by members of GLAAD and even the College World Series can’t be that important if they play it in Omaha every year.
If you told me I had to pick one actor and the only movies I could ever watch were ones he’d already made, the short list is Paul Newman, Tom Cruise and Harrison Ford, and I think Paul’s gonna win.
I had this reaction to the “new” Backstreet Boys song “Incomplete.”
I hear the song, “Hey, that’s not bad for sissy boy music.”
I hear the name of the song, “Hah, sounds like it’s about Craig Krenzel!”
I hear who’s singing the song, “Oh, fer chrissakes!” Click.
If I were a team trying to trade with the Cubs this summer, I’d want Ronny Cedeno.
If I were Dusty Baker, I’d let Henry Blanco catch tonight with Carlos on the mound and I’d DH Michael Barrett. If Hank gets hurt and you lose the DH, who cares? Like Carlos wouldn’t like some hacks at Carl Pavano.
And finally (mock applause fills the Internet), I once took a crap so big that my pants fit better afterwards.
I’m sure you’re happy for me.
Dolan, you hit it right on the head. I am the tits. Best actor…ever.
Nice piece. Looks like you were “trying to catch the spirit of the thing”.
Bravo, Mr. Desipio. Glad to hear about the pants.
Hey Dolan, I ain’t got time to be worrying about how you think I should put in the lineup,dude. I have enough stuff over here to be worried about. It’s not surprising or nothing. We ain’t trading Cesar Cedeno,we need his veteran leadership during those hot day games.
By the way,dude.Farnsie gave Katie that scorching case of herpes back in ’03
Do I get royalties for this? This is the stuff I wonder about. I need answers to this. When I’m put in charge of Desipio6, I’ll make Andy put together some lame cartoons.
You are all a bunch of friggin’ cheaters. Go Cards!!!
Copycat Dolan!!!!!! Why don’t you just say you are one big turd away from backing into a new wardrobe.
“I once took a crap so big that my pants fit better afterwards.”
Those are always the best kind.
One of the special features of the Old School DVD is a mock “Inside the Actors’ Studio Guild” or whatever the show is called. On it Will Ferrell ask himself what his favorite thing to do is and his response is … “I like to eat a really big meal and then take a really big shit.” It’s good stuff.
The Tribune was speculating that Jose Macias might be DHing tonight (or playing 3rd with E-Ramis DHing). Please god, no. If ever there was a guy on the team born to DH, it’s Jason DuBois. Let him try it out, it’s going to be his job for the next 10 years or so.
Starting next week, Charley Steiner will be singing Kelly Clarkson songs on channels 21-23 non-stop, while Kelly Clarkson breaks down the Dodgers starting pitching rotation.
Aren’t there ONLY three women on Arrested Development? Or are you including Jason Bateman?
Best guest star (season 1): Tie between Heather Graham and Kid Rock’s sister.
I will dh enrique dude, he got yankee stadium experience.
Remember when I nailed Doug Dascenzo in the back for running down the first base line?
I am a bad-ass!
Hey man, I ain’t got time to worrying about those Yankees. I have enough stuff over here to be worried about. It’s not surprising or nothin’. I watch ’em and look at ’em. I have plenty over here.
Dude, it’s time to admit that I am a babbling lunatic.
How dare you, Andy? I don’t even rank on your “Women of Arrested Development” list!
who was kid rock’s sister?
Dibbs:
I was at that game. That was also the game when Dawson went nuts and threw 20 bats on the field.
Great column. You should do these more often. I feel so free and relaxed. Like a pair of Dockers. Now you might want to polish my leather and sew an ass into me.
Lucille Austero: What you did to me at lunch today… You were ashamed to be with me.
Gob: No! I was ashamed to be seen with you. I like being with you.
I’m Kid Rock’s sister.
Whatever you think of Scoop Jophnson or whatever his name is here is a pretty good article about Big Ben…love the Pistons or hate them, when he brings it the Spurs don’t stand a chance.http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=jackson/050617
Do I play Kittie, the Bluth company secretary?
I’d try to dissuade the al Qaeda boys to wait on their Arch demolition until a there was a bigger draw than the Mets (but not the Cubs) since there’d be more people in the seats. You’d hate to miss a few.
When I was a kid, I pined for the White Sox team plane to leave LaGuardia after a series with the Yanks and immediately plunge into Shea Stadium during a sold-out game between the Cardinals and the Mets, preferrably in Sept. when all the late call-ups were also present.
Getting back to the important question asked by TV Guy that was never answered in yesterday’s comments:
Who is the babe who does the Mercury commercials?
As for Luke Stuckmeyer, I don’t like him either. However, give me a choice between Stuart Scott or Linda Cohn or Luke, and I’ll choose Luke. He doesn’t destroy every single show he is on, unlike the other two “talents”.
Jill played the PR woman / image consutant.
Linda Cohn and her jaw are also are Cartoon Network, no?
No good links? How about my cross town, day-night twin-bill. Great stuff.
1) Take a look at the weather before dressing for a ballgame at Wrigley Field before July 1 or after Aug. 31.
2) If you live within a short bus ride of Wrigley Field, know the seating chart well enough to not take a terrace reserved seat unless it’s all the way in the corner where the upper deck doesn’t come into play.
3) Blame your discomfort on your idiotic dressing choices, not on Ralph Nader’s political failings or on the market rejecting hybrid automobiles.
4) Too early to drink? It’s 5:00 somewhere.
5) A veggie burger at a Major League Game? Garnish it with hemlock then.
6) Don’t incessantly use your cell phone at a game, calling your relatives across North America to see if they’re watching an all-important mid-June game against the Marlins.
7) Use one of the myriad sources out there to see if the Cubs called anyone up for the day’s game (especially when you work for a paper and your fucking paper had it in the paper that morning).
8) Don’t write a column specifically to say the Cubs’ fans are idiots and Sox fans are so brilliant when you’re a fucking no-nothing douchebag.
I am what is lost by reading that Slezak article.
Hey Andy,
when I first read through the last line of your entry, I thought it said.
“I once took a crap so big that my pants fit better backwards” I couldn’t figure out what that meant…I thought maybe you took the crap in your pants…and it was hanging in the crotch area…or something…
“If Al Qaeda was convinced that they need to blow up the St. Louis Arch in such a way that it careened into Busch Stadium during a Cardinals-Mets game, and I found out about it, I can’t say I’d try to dissuade them.”
We should send this Andy feller to GITMO but they’d treat him too got dang well. Let’s just go and git ‘im ourselves. MINUTEMEN UNITE AND MOVE NORTH!
I don’t know about any of you, but I just sent Slezak an e mail that is so vicious, she’d only have to be upset by it at some level. Fucking bitch.
worst. cloumn. ever.
wrost spllig evr
I’m that fat giuy you can always here yelling through the tv mics. If people sit by me, they can hear real gems like: “why didn’t he just hit a homerun there?”, “Swing Batter, Batter, Swing!”, “Grab some bench!” and the all imprtant”Come on blue!” after every pitch that is called a strike against the Sox hitters. I am indicative of what you see and hear at Comiskey. Is that any worse than what goes on at Wrigley? No? Didn’t think so.
1) Sounds like you live near the Addison stop. How about walking your fat ass to the game? Spending $1.75 to sit on a crowded CTA for 7 blocks is just wasteful.
2) Pink or Red lipstick? Are you kidding me?!?! If you’re serious about your appearance, then your REAL question should be: Bag over head. Paper or plastic?
3) “Looking for ”Wrigley Field Hottie” tank top, thinking might make good gag gift for friend. Don’t see it. (Note to self: Maybe Hooters tank instead.)” Gee, why don’t you just come out of the closet?
4) Only a certifed moron–or an out-f-towner– purchases bottled water at a ballapark that still allows you to bring food and drink in.
5) “Look in mirror at tangled mess of hair.” We’ve seen your picture, babe. One measly brush ain’t gonna help you.
6) “With home team losing 15-0, time to make like a Cubs fan and skedaddle out of here. ” Carol, you ignorant slut. Nice backhand. But then again, you’re probably still upset that some fan parked in your garage that one time.
7) You feed your dog but don’t let the dog out to pee? I don’t think the Vegan purse you have will be enough to keep PETA from knocking on your door for blowing up your dog’s bladder like that.
8) “Realize out of cash. Find bank machine outside the Cell and get more money.” Okay, by my count–and I assume you’ve included everything in your mind-numbing minutae–you’ve taken three CTA fares (ignoring the mere potential $.25 deduction if you left Wrigley and were on your way to the Cell within 2 hours), a veggie sammich and bottled water, and YOU’RE OUT OF CASH? What did you bring with you, twelve dollars?
9) “Ask very sweet Sox worker to help me find Section 111.” Yeah, you know, because it’s so hard to count in either ascending or descending order. How the hell have you survived so long living in the city being equipped with a brain the size of a racquetball?
10) “”Nice hat,” guy yells as I’m walking up aisle. ”Thanks,” I say. ”It’s new!””. Why didn’t you just shout, “GO YANKEES!” you lackwit?
Just because yoy have a better chance of sitting near an annoying one of us who acts like they know everything, doesn’t mean we are smarter. Many of us just recite, almost verbatim what we heard on the score that morning. There are dumb fans on both sides of town, but for some reason, because we don’t sell out, we must be smarter? I don’t get it.
Andy,
You could have linked to ONE article–Slezak’s. It sure seems to have riled up the masses.
My only question for Carol is– did she manage to stay clear of the EAST side of Clark Street?
Replace “the score” with “FOX” and you’ve got your 21st Century American Neocons.
Actually we all recite our talking points memos that are sent out by the g.o.p. So actually Fox news is our DJ, if you will…our houseboy. We totally use them as our propaganda machine. Just don’t tell that to folks from Mizzurah.
You are all un-American! I am a true American badass…er actually I am just another chicken hawk who never served a day in my life. I act tough though…grrrr!!!
I’m the term the American Left abuses most. They don’t really know what it means, as it has been used to describe:
1) Jewish conservatives in ways that would make David Duke proud.
2) Former radical liberals turned conservatives.
3) Right-wingers like Cheney who have been conservative long before the neoconservative movement took shape.
4) Anti-immigration conservatives
5) Pro-immigration conservatives
6) Pro-war conservatives
7) Anti-tax conservatives
8) Southern pro-life conservatives like Zell Miller
9) Northern pro-choice conservatives like Rudolph Giuliani
10) Anyone who voted for Bush
Actually, do you know what Neocon is?
It’s a big event at the Merchandise Mart!
http://www.merchandisemart.com/neocon/
It’s beyond time for someone to set up a blog where ApeX can post his long-winded and pointless diatribes that only his aunt would want to read. Give the lackinterests a break already.
Yeah, because the right doesn’t throw me around either.
Yeah, the use of “lackwit” usually shoots up a flare that screams Apex.
According to my poly sci professor at Pitt, who is really smart with this stuff, I am a broad statement that basiclly means, new wave of conservatism, and and was brought about by the Regan presidency. You’ll find that people who push their belifs on others and preach family values, God bless America, Support the troops…just don’t send my kid etc… are me. You are right though, Cheney is way more credible, because he is an old school conservative, even if he is a coward, he sticks to his guns literlly and figuratively, and he is to be commended for that.
Liberal, you’re correct. Actually, if you followed my writings, you’d see that I refer to big government types as “conservatives,” and low-tax, low-regulation, non-welfare state types as “liberals.”
Of course, I was mildly libertarian (more of a Milton Friedman-type, advocating limited government). These days, I’m dead.
Oh yeah, I don’t have to be a republican either, technically, I could be from any party. My definition, therefore, is kind of a gray area.
Being me is fung!
A lot of times, it seems like I am confusing just for the sake of being…well…confusing. But I am still fun to study, no?
Did someone say Jewish Conservatives? We are the real super race!!! Now, get me a donut…I demand Boston Creme!!!
Did someone say Pitt education?
Read me…I make the people that write into Ask Paul look brilliant.
can someone post a link or direct me to the “slezak” article that everyone is referring to?
So am I a bad school, then?
1. Find me first (hint, it’s the most obvious URL that you could imagine).
2. Then look in the Sports Section
3. Then look for “columnists”
4. Click on “Carol Slezak” (hint: not the link that reads “Rick Telander” “Greg Couch” “Jay Marriotti” “Ron Rappaport” “Elliot Harris” or “Steve Tucker”
5. Read.
I have PE degree from U of I.
No Pitt, you are not a bad school, but I am.
I guess that makes us the ‘houseboys’ of the Democratic party? After all, we simply recite the talking points of the Democrats, unless we’re actually helping them amke them up a la Dan Rather.
Boy, were we late to the party… should’ve hit ‘refresh’
Neoconservatism came about during the depression and World War II when former Marxists began to see the horrors of a planned economy and the folly of isolationism. Many of us were Jewish, all of us focused on personal freedom, and disliked New Deal politics.
This was a bit before the Reagan presidency.
That poli sci professor must have been also teaching Wanny “Fundamental Football Strategy” and Ditka “Diplomacy” back in the day.
He was referring to what the American Neocon movement is today, he is also a published author in the field, but I’m sure your google searches make you smarter than him. He gave that backround as well, it’s right here in my textbook too. As far as Jews, the world would be better off…
if they hadn’t started that movement, give me a plain old conservative thank you.
Harvard grad, right?
So if something is written in one of us, it must be true. Got it.
Can you oversensitive, insecure, asswipes (both lefties and righties) get back to ridiculing my ridiculous article?
Thanks.
Whatever happend to me in this country anyway?
Isn’t everyone on Desipio me?
Isn’t putting lipstick on me like putting it on a pig.
click my name for the article.
We are annoying and are what is wrong with this country, whether it’s on Hannity and Colmes or a Cubs/ Sox game.
I make the Muskrat look like a beauty queen…yikes!
What are you implying?
Then what are we?
And yes, some of us are quite the delightful bunch:
vdare.com
lewrockwell.com
amcon.com
I look like the bug-eyed runaway brides older sister. Way older
Paleocons don’t exist motherfuckers, ya’ all don’t know shit. I gots me a cousin in the quartermaster corps handed out tp inIraq. Fuck you guys, roids is good.
We interrupt this political debate to bring you the latest intern who probably is chasing the Carp and the Lace around Sec Taylor Stadium, Rob “Big Show” Buchanan.
Lacey, do you know how he got the nickname “Big Show”
Um…like…eewwww! Like….totally eewww!!! You must be, like kidding…or something.
Why do we need this many interns.
Big Show, huh? Hmm, sounds inviting….
Are the I-Cubs trying to recruit me as an owner?
An ugly skank, or an ugly dyke, or both?
I’m both.
You know, if that Slezak didn’t hate the Cubs she would be one fine piece. I would go after her, if it weren’t for the PR nightmare. Anybody here have a cigarette?
Can people stop saying that I’m hot now?
Oh, the PR would be great Sharon, if you went after her.
I don’t have cigs, but I do have 2 dozen doughnuts.
Why am I the only place that is getting on Buerhle, for his pansy ass comment?
Apparently, I’m better than Derrek Lee?
This is off the subject, but has anyone seen me on that celebrity dance show. I am super hot. Maybe I can be the new mascot?
I’m playing 2B tonight! Walker’s the DH.
Very funny Enrique…nice try.
You weren’t kidding. Enrique is starting tonight.
Damn skippy! I will provide protection for Hank.
Don’t worry. I’ll practice my boxing with Enrique between innings uno and dos, and Dusty will have to move Walker to second, losing the DH.
I then hit a double and get 2 RBI.
Chicago’s position on the sweatiest cities list has dropped to 83rd!
Who own-a da Chiefs?
Goddamn, Dusty is really going to fuck up my RBI totals if he keeps putting Neifi and Corey in front of me.
Carol Slezak is me.
I gave up a donger to the Gremlin in my sim game today.
Oh, he did? Macias must be getting hot! I think I’m sit E-ramis for him.
FYC!!!!!!!!!!!
(It’s been too damn long since one of these)
Great column. But if you can only watch one actor’s movies, the actor has to be Robert DeNiro — Godfather II, Casino, Goodfellas, Meet the Fockers I and II, Analyze This I and II, Heat, The Untouchables, Raging Bull, Deer Hunter, 1900, Mean Streets, Bang the Drum Slowly.
OWNS…
Look, DC Exile, you are usually right on. But I gotta go with Newman, and DeNiro a close second. I am a NOVA exile, unfortunately.
!!!!
I keel you Yankees!!! I keel you good!!!
Yes, OWNS. The hair in here make my hallergies go crazy
I will look like a Cy Young candidate again tonight, thanks Dusty.
I clearly have no concept as to what a lineup should look like. I am absolutely worthless. If people don’t think a manager can hurt his team, then they aren’t watching me.
Are you enjoying that overrated nut Zambrano’s great start. Miss Me yet, my stuff is better than his and i continue to dominate for the 1st place White Sox. The Cubs cheat and they still can’t win. Maddux sucks, Wood sucks, Cubs suck, Yankees suck. Sox come alive in 05′ baby. Can anyone say “Dynasty in the making”? Later losers.
Man, that chick in red bikini top in the LotriaminA commercial gives me a woody.
What about me?
Now that the offense is scoring runs again we’re going to start sucking.
It’s not too late to jump on this train. We are dominating the Dodgers, who are way better than the Cubs. 1st place team bitches. Best Overall team that the game has seen since the Big Red Machine. There’s gonna be a party in Grant Park this fall and you losers ain’t gonna be the one holding it. Maddux=cheater.
I didn’t write that neocon lecture up there. I only wish I did. I also think it’s kind of cool that people are using the word Lackwit without my having to prompt them. I was reading the A-List the other day and under the entry for Halle Berry, the author uses Lackwit to describe Eric Benet or anyone who would cheat on Halle Berry.
I’ve been quiet or anonymous for a few weeks because I didn’t like where my rants were taking the conversation. I find that negative comments inspire the worst in a lot of people and it’s not really my place to do that.
Apparently all of Apex’s posts are me.
You damn kids and your damn computers. I’ll see all you bastards in hell.
Trust me dudes, Jill is good.
the difference between the Cubs and the White Sox? The White Sox are good.
the difference between the Cubs and the White Sox? The White Sox are gonna play in the series bitches!
Ms Slezak, what you’ve just written is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever read. At no point in your rambling, incoherent column were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this city is now dumber for having read it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.
I wanna be just like my dad. Wouldn’t it be great if I died like him too…and then proceeded to rot in hell.
We’re…we’re just not any good at this baseball thing.
I am fucking terrible.
Looks like it might be time to start unloading. Even if we swing the bats an get healthy as well as good, starting pitching, our pen is terrible. We just ain’t any good, and if you think we are, then you like the blue kool aid.. We suck, Dusty sucks, and our front office sucks.
I want to kill myself. I am ugly.
We should join you in a suicide pact. We are totally ugly as well.
My mother could beat Dusty F. Baker in a game of Strat-O-Matic, using the 1962 Mets.
Fork,
Tell Dusty to bring his ’05 Cubs to the Polo Grounds. We’re having a fight at the bat rack to bat against Sweaty Hoe.
Should we be more impressed with the White Sox who beat us at their park, or the Cubs who swept us at our park?
Or should we just realize that the NL West pretty much sucks?