Pitching matchup:
Pirates: Mark Redman, 4-8, 3.76 ERA
Cubs: Mark Prior, 5-3, 3.41 ERA
Lineups:
Pirates (39-48)
(Lloyd’s still pulling it out of a hat.)
Update: 12:47 p.m.
Matt Lawton, rf
Robbbbb Mackowiak, 3b
Jason “O for Detroit” Bay, cf
Craig A. Wilson, lf
Daryl Ward, 1b
Jose Castillo, 2b
Humberto Cota, c
Jack Bucktooth Wilson, ss
Mark “I pitched worse in game seven than Kerry but nobody remembers” Redman, p
Cubs (43-44)
Jerry the Lesser, cf
Todd Walker, 2b
Derrek Lee, 1b
E-ramis, 3b
Matt Murton, lf
Jeromy Burnitz, rf
Neifi!, ss
Hank White, c
The Franchise, p
I’m glad that Hendry told me that Murton is number 28 and Holly is number 17. I almost wrote the wrong number down on the lineup card. I wouldn’t want to accidentally start the rookie over my proven veteran. Too bad both are white though, the sun’s gonna be brutal today.
Hey, does that mean I’m starting? I’m 17!
Sit down, concussion boy. I’ll handle left today. I took a marker and made the 7 a 9.
It’s gonna be brutal out there today. Use the Bullfrog sunblock stuff, otherwise we’ll blister like Wild Bill Holden’s big toe.
So how long’s it gonna take Holden to walk home?
As I just posted on the Message Board, you can actually buy the Dugout Box Seats ($125 a seat) and other choice tickets on-line for today’s game. Looks like a lot of tickets are getting turned in.
No post All-Star Break dose? Somebody spent too much time playing NCAA 2005 last night……..
I predict a big day for me. I have Neifi? and Hank White protecting me.
3 HRs and a Sac Fly at least
I’m showing a sellout.
I’m showing you can be a couple in Sec. 7 and Sec. 110. Too bad I have too much work to do here. Or something.
As always, the ticket booths at the park are a must-see if you walk up. Many pleasant surprises can be found there.
Am I a new feature, or have I just not been paying attention?
The rainchecks had to be used today, right? There should be plenty of good seats available. Until about 1 p.m. that is.
I predict the sissy Cubs will hit three popups into Banks Boulevard today.
We have evryone right where we want them. We are primed to have a great second half, Dusty’s teams always finish strong, just like last year. You fans won’t get at all tired of hearing us say how our next losing streak is just a small bump in the road, and how we are gonna catch everyone in front of us, and blah blah blah, and how we are trying too hard, or we are just about ready to turn the corner. We are happy with our first half, we don’t want to use excuses, but…we did have a lot of key injuries…blah blah blah.
Um…if you guys don’t steamroll us in this series, you have no chance this year.
McCovey Cove is actually referred to as Bonds Pond now for all the cheap homers that he hit into it.
You guys didn’t see the home run derby did you…
I didn’t ask to be in it…It’s not my fault they needed a canadian…
Don’t even get me started on Abreu Avenue. What a bunch of wall scrapers that Judy hit.
I hope I can throw my curve ball today
Hey Len,
I’m doing fine, thanks, It’s good to be here at the all star game…Have you seen my baseball? I’m doing fine len, thanks…good to be here, whooooah…Hi Len, I’m feeling fine thanks….[thud]
No chance……
You treat me like a red headed step child. Screw you!!! I’m gonna just hang and yell “Hit me!!!”
We gave eachother lots of good back rubs in the minor leagues.
At least Kasper sat between them in the interview so we didn’t have to watch them hold hands.
And how tall is Greenberg? He made Kasper look like Shawn Bradley.
I’m gonna pinch run today and get hit with a batted ball! Tomorrow I’ll try to run through the ivy.
Um, are you sure? He looked kinda tall to me. I don’t know.
Worst…trade rumor…ever.
Cubs send Todd Wellemeyer, Dave Kelton and that weird keychain WGN just showed us to the Rockies for Shawn Chacon and Eric Byrnes.
Oooph.
I’m an average Jewish guy, 5’9″….where am I?….
We will continue to be Mark Prior’s bitches.
Me and my puppet are at the game!
Did I just see a lady sitting in the stands with a puppet? How great would it be if an usher demanded to see the puppet’s ticket and when it didn’t have one, rip the puppet off her hand and stomp on it?
Is Gustavo Chacin singing the anthem today? What the hell is that? Oh, I’ve got a bad feeling about this already.
What if Matt Murton is a step-child?
By the way, I got assigned to do the Iowa High School Baseball State Tournament in two weeks. It’s being played at Prinicipal Park in Des Moines, which means not only will I get to be on the same field where Corey Patterson is re-honing his skills, but the I-Cubs staff will be in charge of operations so perhaps I will get to meet the Rally Carp!
I had tickets to the game that got rained out, now I’m in New York…..Wriglely looks idyllic on my TV….d’oh!
My sister’s brother’s friend knows a lady at work who plays bridge with the Crazy Puppet Lady.
Can I have another hot dog please?
Dave, come by and see an I-Cubs game with me! We can play this fun game where you kiss me on the strikes and I’ll kiss you on the balls.
6
Well Andy, considering Wellemeyer and Kelton are total zeroes, if either Chacon or Byrnes had ANYTHING to offer it would be a good trade. I think the chance of Chacon being a positive is zero, but Byrnes is your younger Todd Mulletsworth for the team. As a reserve outfielder, he’d be fine.
Balls and strikes. I’ll have to remember that one.
Like Corey Patterson, I swung and missed at my attempt at humor
Dear Rally Carp–
Now that I’m in Iowa, will you be my beard please? Thanks! Now give me directions to Iowa City, fast. I bet my swing isn’t too long for the boys over there, if you catch my drift. xoxo………Corey
Son of a bitch!
Why did Hank change numbers? Is this some ploy to force me to buy another of my own t-shirts?
Rally Carp, We played that game in the dugout…Dusty told us to cut it out…
It’s different up here in the show
I think if the Cubs trade for Chacon it’s because he and Jim Bowden are in a race to see who’s new reliever (the Nats signed Mike Stanton) can pitch his team out of contention fastest.
What # am I now?
I meant Adam Greenberg…
Boy, looks like I’ll be squeezed tighter than a tube of Auquafresh today.
Curve ball? I’m more interested if he can find the plate.
Then the Cubs shouldn’t trade for Chacon until next year when they’re back in contention.
Hola, donde esta mi carpeta??
[img]http://www.bleyz.com/cubsfun/images/sombrero.jpg[/img]
Hank is now number 24. In honor of Tom Goodwin, I suppose. I would guess Murton is 9 now.
Anyone else spend the last three days trying to convince themselves that the Cubs are still alive, pending the sweep of the Pirates and Reds?
You have to use the real tags over here, not the message board ones.
ME!!! ME!!! ME!!! ME!!! ME!!! ME!!! ME!!! ME!!! ME!!! ME!!!
I was just trying to convince myself that it’s just a cold sore.
Wait, what were we talking about?
I am one of the best pitches in the big leagues
Clearly the Home Run derby contest goofed up my swing.
I declared this team dead on May 6.
Was THAT curveball strike enough for you, Chuckles?
I know you need a new whipping boy. Pick somebody else.
Wait, am I supposed to yell something when it’s a strike? My bad.
I wouldn’t look too bad in blue pinstripes…
It would be nice to wear sleeves too…
Mark:
Kerry’s the whipping boy. You are the Last Hope. And if you get too walky, Emporer Palparussa wins.
Good enough curve for you, ladies?
I wish Len would talk about the losing streak some more. I’d almost drunk enough grain alcohol to forget it.
Hey, that looked like a curve.
Mark is on pace to throw me today…
How’d you like that?
KKK in the stands…I knew this was an antisemetic crowd
Al, just enjoy the bleachers, you jobless bastard.
Now let’s not put Mark Prior in the Hall of Fame yet.
Yeah, remember when I said that the night he made his debut against us. Yeah, that was only six consecutive losses to him ago.
Yeah, and only 5 of me.
Mark is on pace to throw me today…
On the XM Baseball station yesterday some twit (OK it was Mel Antonen from USA Today) said one of the reasons the Sox are doing well is that because most of their coaches are former Sox, he mentioned of course Ozzie and Greg Walker and Joey Cora, Tim Raines, etc. He said they “know what it means to be a White Sox.”
I think the Cubs need some guys who know what it means to be a Cub.
Guys like Brian McRae, Todd Hundley, Danny Jackson, Dave Kingman and of course Bob Scanlan.
Two bunts in a row-all part of our strategy to play more like Joe Morgan.
I am so smart.
Hey Greenberg, the Klan doesn’t like Catholics anymore than you guys.
Jerry! Stop trying to clog those bases.
You too, Walker!
Macias! Grab a bat.
The White Sox need me as their linebackers coach, bitches…I golf with Steve Stone.
My career All-Star batting averages and on base averages kick Derrek Lee’s ass!
That guy on base is distracting me, I’m not used to this.
Hey, Adam. You can live with us at 1060 W. Addison. The Nazi’s will never find you there.
Sure, I’d be interested if the Cubs called and wanted me to coach the boys up.
The strike zone is me today.
You guys getting the band back together?
Nazis
I hate Illinois Nazis
D Lee is slumping, he’s 0 for the second half!
The Cubs are working their way back to me.
I feel like no-hitting the Cubs today. Me and Doug Davis could make a career pitching against these guys.
If Thome were here like he should be, he’d never have made an out there.
If you didn’t see my new commercial during the All-Star Game, you need to see this:
http://www.nike.com/nikegolf/flash_reg.jhtml
That’s not too much of a stretch there, Redman, since we both DO make careers out of pitching. Dumbass.
Is that Leslie Neilsen behind home plate today?
I loved the All-Star game commercials, because at least I was in them.
Apparently the whore who infected us with them slept with the Pirates, too.
I already hit a HR, bitches. Playing for a winner rules.
That was a great commercial…
Our plan is to hire guys who know what it means to be a Cub, but we’re trying to keep it on the down low, Andy. If Jeff Pico finds out, I’ll have to change my number. Again.
This is too easy! When does the All-Star Break end?
Um Doug, I don’t think you get it buddy. I was saying that we aren’t that great but we own the Cubs every time out, I wouldn’t expect you to get it, living in Wisconsin and all. Retard.
It’s ENRICO PALLAZO!
Hey Jeem Hendry, I change me nombre to 24 and my ex-wife she still make my phone ring. It no work.
eat it bitches.
I love those little dumbass retards!
I am the greatest player ever. How dare I not make the All Star team.
Mark is on pace to throw me today
Wait a minute, I thought Drebin was Enrico Pallazo…
I’m not a big Tiger Woods fan, but that is an excellent commercial.
Of course I GOT it, it was just a stupid comment. Obviously we could make a living pitching against a team we own because WE ALREADY MAKE A LIVING out of pitching to a whole bunch of teams.
Matt Murton is a big red letter C
Sorry Derek, the 2 White Sox fans each voted 2 million times for Scotty Podsednik. I’ll be dealing with it for the next 20 years.
I was in disguise
Trade Murton!
My real passion is working with retards.
Yeah, concussions are funny,
I missed it. What number was Murton? Maybe I can just take a marker to my Hank White Fan Club t-shirt.
Matt Damon….
Regression to the mean sucks when you’re me
Hey Doug, fuck you, you’re not even on my team anyway.
Hah! You should be leading me off, bitches! I’m red hot!
My new number is very powerful! Look out on Waveland!
Hey Andy, I bought the other Hank White T-Shirt that you sold as a gift for my sister.
Hey, I’m 80 today! For those of you on the North Shore (Highland Park, Deerfield, Lake Forest), I will continue to assault your eyes with my gawd-awful “column” in the Pioneer Press. I knew Bob Elson! Thanks for reading my note Pat Hughes!
See you next week… maybe!
Anyone remember Wendell Kim?
Neifi blew a tire around third. Wow. Not fast.
Slow.
I am lightning quick!
Did you miss me guys?
Uh oh… expect a Hollandsworth pinch-hit next time through. Can’t have these youngsters playing unless they produce.
Barrett, Hollandsworth, Greenberg, Cedeno? I’m easily the best guy left on this bench.
My New number is keeeeling.
Neifi needs a new number too
Was it that bad a call to send Neifi? He should have been off on contact with 2 outs, and the pitcher was coming up.
He clubbed that pitch. Too bad his hit allowance for the day is used up… what a waste.
Like this? –> IL IN OH
Screw Defense. I started the All Star game over. You didn’t see Scott Rolen do that
Playing sound baseball now
Didn’t ask how close it was, just wondering if Spier made the right call under the circumstances. Andy indicated that something happened to Perez as he came around 3rd.
I was slow as sheet rounding them bags, mane.
I should have scored on that, no way should Speier have held me up, even with Prior coming up next (He is the thunder at the bottom of the order you know)…I am just slow…very slow.
He Gone! Gas!
I just got a press release from the Cubs. I know why Hank changed numbers.
CUBS TO HONOR CATCHING GREAT
Sunday, August 7 is Gabor Paul Bako II Day
The Chicago Cubs have announced that Gabor Bako will be honored by having his uniform number 9 retired in a ceremony Sunday, August 7 in the lower level men’s bathroom in Wrigley Field.
“We’re going to honor Bako for all of his contributions to the Cubs in the two winningest consecutive seasons by the Cubs in almost 30 years. We feel the ceremony will be a fitting tribute to Gabor.”
The current Cubs will not be able to attend, they’ll be in New York playing the Mets.
Couldn’t we have done that in the commercial break, like, you know, when nobody would have to hear that….
Just add it to my HWEqRBI total.
Oh, nothing happened to Neifi around third, other than that he slowwwwwwwed down out of exhaustion.
I thought I was in Iowa?
Back when I was the minor league outfield instructor, the boys could catch the ball.
Fuck… there’s a bus ticket in my locker.
Boy, we really look like we are gonna turn things around in the second half.
After I deal with the Left Fielders in Iowa, they do not want to touch balls again
How can you expect me to run 270 feet consecutively?
Only the Cubs turn a double play into a single and error and two guys in scoring position.
Umpire! Umpire! Time out! Matty needs a hug!
Good play Murton!
Dude, Holly never makes errors, dude.
I better pull Prior soon, dudes. His soft, lily-white skin isn’t used to all this sunshine, dudes.
Hank,
Don’t tell Mark to throw the “hawkins”,
Believe me, that pitch never works
The grass is waist high out here, I had no chance on that one.
Do I have to strike everbody out today guys?
A little help here, please.
If any of the higher-ups would read my columns, there’d be better defense and there’d be fewer “pressure pitches” (and by pressure pitches I mean pitches where our pitcher is under pressure to get someone out, sorry if I wasn’t clear enough).
It’s ok, dudes. The Pirates are clogging up the bases. It’s not good baseball, dudes.
The best part of Sunday’s game was that since there were only like 27 people at the game, you could hear what they were yelling. One guy yelled at Al Leiter (with more disgust than you’ll ever hear again)…”Throw a strike! It’s JERRY HAIRSTON! JERRY HAIRSTON!” Good stuff.
Nice pitch cunt
Andy, any truth to the rumor that Gabor and George Ofman will reunite in the locker room prior to the ceremony and have an accordion recital?
GET OFF THE GOD DAMN MOUND, NEIFI!!!!
I go up there and tell Prior to get guys out or I slap him.
Hey, why doesn’t Miguel Cabrera wave the Venezuelan flag every time I do that?
We Just told mark a joke in spanish…
he didn’t get it, but he’s ready to go now..
The Cubs love to give me up.
When a guy reached on an error and scores because of another error the pitcher should get one unearned run, and then get to take another run off his record, too.
I should be over now…Out and DP
How many Cubs left fielders does it take to catch the ball?
Hey Rook. Why don’t you sit the rest of this one out? It’s too sunny for someone of your…uh…persuasion.
Sounds good Andy, but I think I should be able to elbow the guy who made the second error in the larynx.
My pitch count would be lower if I didn’t have to get five guys out every inning.
LF is toughest position to learn. The ball comes at you much faster, dude
Hey!
Good thing Speier sent Neifi in the second. Prior never gets a hit.
Oh, wait…
Fine. I’ll manufacture my own run support, too, bitches.
I have now gotten as many hits as I’ve given up. Time to steal second and third, I guess.
You bitches no help me score runs.. i say fuck you cubs.. I do it myself
Neifi can’t keep his god-damned ass out of any meeting at the mound.
“don’t run into the ball, don’t run into the ball, don’t run into the ball”
What do we do if Prior starts stealing bases? What if the ladies abandon Scotty Pod for the new “fast guy?”
Wait, I’ve got it!
WHITE SOX BASEBALL: COME MASTURBATE TO OUR LEFT FIELDER!
How to have a good at bat if you are in wrigleyville
Listen and Repeat
I will work the count until I find a good pitch to hit
I will work the count until I find a good pitch to hit
Corey wants to shorten his swing. And the guy we replaced him with has an even bigger one.
Maybe Corey should try and slow his swing down, you know, by hitting the baseball with it?
Hey, where’s the ad for the nifty double decker Cubs bus? I think I left my “bag” on it.
Hey Mark! Take a slow stroll around the bags on me.
Fuck! Empty bases again….
There’s some small ball for ya!
His OBP may be higher than Corey’s, but I just don’t think this team is any better with Hairston in CF. In the long run, he will hurt just as much.
That one is hit into Banks Boulevard, not a true homerun, but the Cubs will take it.
D Lee,
Here is your chance to earn someone $1000
Hey! Todd took all the guys off the bases for me! I’ll never lead the league in RBIs!
Didn’t you read my quote in the Sun-times today? I have it all figured out.
“It’s a hard game, but it’s really simple.”
Derrek Lee sucks. He’s hitless since the All-Star Break. What a tool.
Save your cashe!
I am much nicer to lefties today
I am much nicer to lefties today
I always knew the wind was one of those stinkin’ liberal sympathizers.
I’ve seen 2 pitches today
Hmmmmmmm….Can Todd Walker play short? I’m going to call my buddy Hendry!
I blame the All-Star game. E-Ramis and Derrek need naps.
Me at shortstop? Are you kidding me?
Naps can be very refreshing
Who knew that I was also a member of the Hank White Fan Club? I know everything about the guy…
weee, I am fun
Apparently nobody is wearing number 9. I’m sure George Ofman and Mike Murphy will assume there’s a trade for a number 9 in the works.
Jody Gerut!
Roger Maris!
Jim McMahon!
We have nothing to do……..people only come to see Wrigley field and Budweiser does the rest.
This is a cushy job….almost as good as being a “body guard” for an alderman.
Suck my gold glove
“are you matt murton”
That was another one of my jokes that not really joke.
It’s me! I’m back, baby!
Recalling Andy’s comment earlier about the audio in Sunday’s game…after listening to me on the mound for 7 innings, is there any doubt how much of a &%#^! %$@*&, I really am?
Look! I can catch routine fly balls!
You need to sign me to a real contract when i get to arbitration!
Aaaaaaah bowakawa pousse pousse.
It’s a joke if somebody thinks I’m 34 years old and weigh 114 pounds.
Wagner and Tejada should be bidding over number 9 on this team right now.
we are intimidating
I’m now oh for my last four. Clearly I need to be benched, demoted or waived.
Len’s giving a Nomar update. Let’s see if he says, “Nomar’s groin feels great!”
I am the best No. 9 this team has ever had…do you hear me?
Ever!
Matt, it’s not your fault that Burnitz can’t protect you.
They Say the velocity comes back before the command if you are recovering from tommy john’s disease.
I’ll fit right into the bulpen
Two years after they stopped getting “sympathy fucked” by drunk sluts who thought every fireman in America was at Ground Zero on 9/11, Chicago’s “Bravest’ are hanging firehoses over street signs to cool off homeless assbags like Ronnie Woo Woo.
In my case, I’m still waiting for the velocity. It’s only been 27 years.
Didn’t you get the memo that I’m not a base stealing threat…
Look who else wears No. 9!
I’ll be patrolling CF and Nomar will be batting behind me Aug. 1!
I’m the number of times Pat has promoted that G-D Santo film…Will no one stop him?
According to Yahoo, the season starts over at the All-Star break. Neifi’s batting 1.000 and Lee and Ramirez are at .000.
It would kill them to give us one measly Hank White Fan Club plug, wouldn’t it?
Hey, Greggie, for those of us who didn’t catch the audio: Why are you such a $@$!)#$(?
If you start Jeromy on a 3-2 count with one out, all you’re doing is guaranteeing that Neifi won’t take ball four.
Andy,
do you ever e-mail the booth?
I called for that “hit-and-run” play that the Sox kept using against us.
I knew it wouldn’t work, dudes.
I’m sitting down by the bullpen. Better keep those firefighters around for when these guys get up.
Oh, I swear a little.
Andy sends us faxes. I’ve got one right here. It says…
“Don’t miss the World TV premiere of This Old Cub, Saturday at 7 p.m. Central on WGN.” Hey, thanks!
Remember folks, I’m premiering on WGN this Saturday.
See, I would be a pefect fit in Left Field for the Cubbies.
Ron, that’s not what it says.
Ron: “You know I can’t read!”
hah! Wilson got Ivory all over him!
Greggie swears? Where are his fucking morals?
Time to muddy the MVP race! I’m going yard.
I think it’s OK for Hank to keep 24.
I’m still pissed about last, I’m going to smoke one to LF again so…run bitches run
That ought to be worth 3 hits on the HWEqBA!
Of course you swear Greggie! Remember when you missed that 4-foot putt on the 18th hole Winged Foot to lose that $80,000 scotch game to me that day when Glavine had the start against Al Leiter in 2000? That was AWESOME.
I signed my first major league contract with an x.
!!!
Only the wind saved those yuppies sitting in that weird Brixen Ivy rooftop thing from Hank soiling their Merlot.
Gotta get someone to check the furnace down here
Was brought to you by the number 24.
I heeve de speed
Hank turned on the jets to score on that. Great, our catcher is faster than our shortstop.
Hey, 247: Don’t forget this number:
We’re the new Murderer’s Row
I am the messiah, bitches.
Do they give Silver Slugger awards to pitchers?
Speaking of me, I’m signing the Seventh-Inning stretch. Then I’m going to meet Prior after the game, and we’re going to talk about “Game 6 Memories”
No way I’m going to challenge Hank’s speed.
Don’t forget me #24
After giving up hits to Hank, Neifi and Franchise back to back, is a coaching visit required?
How about a breathalizer test also?
Hey, can Mark Prior play Shortstop?
I need a good right-handed bat at the bottom of my order.
I’m calling my buddy Hendry!
I think you want to talk to me, Billy Buck.
I seem to be 100 points higher than that of Hank White
I bunt because it pisses Dusty off, and he’s got no choice but to play me anyway!
Mark Prior just doesn’t blow me…
Hey Buckner,
My legal team might advise me to join that roundtable, but only if joined by Bob Stanley and Calvin Schiraldi.
Yeah, sure, Prior. But if you’d just stop hitting I could catch you!
Hey Redman, throw a couple wild pitches and see if we can at least get Prior tired. That bullpen of theirs is good for a touchdown or two.
Greg Maddux curses? Look out Clark County, I’ve got a lot of soul-searching to do while driving around in the Crozier Cruiser.
Redman looks like he’s daydreaming about being traded
Guys, I can’t be running bases EVERY inning! I’m gonna get tired out and not be able to pitch!
It’s official, Mark Prior is a better baserunner than Jeromy Burnitz.
See Carlos, that is how you slide.
I am very popular today
My little sister lost her virginity in the Crozier Cruizer! She still has the duct tape marks on her wrists to prove it!
Hey, Christ on a Bike! I wrote a book?
I thought only Jake wrote books. You know, those big Potter novels.
Can we come to that reunion too?
Looks like Redman’s got his good stuff today.
I’ll pitch to the wall so Prior has to run some more.
Mark Prior needs to take me in between every inning
So does this mean that Hank is progressing towards the mean?
How come I haven’t made an appearance here lately?
Wheee!
Who DOES Mark Prior blow?
The law of averages works both ways. Good news for Hank and Maddux, not so good for Neifi or Derrek. But then, talent can trump the old law from time to time. So good news for Maddux and Lee, bad news for Neifi.
Look out, Neifi! I’m wearing your number in Iowa!
If Roger and Andy are Clettitte, would that make Matt and Adam, Murtberg?
I am such a great catch phrase!
Almost as good as “boom goes the dynamite.’
And bad news for the Yankees!
Can I have Hank White back, please?
Did someone bring up North Halsted?
Does someone think I once served in the military?
Neifi had to go get some sunglasses, he just noticed the sun’s been up for nine hours.
Yeah, I tried to buy No. 20 off that Raul Valdez guy, but that dumb Cuban wanted me the services of the Rally Fisch in exchange. No way I give up my Rally Fisch.
Sorry Corey, Raul just figures he has a better chance of wearing 20 for the Cubs now than you do.
Why am I sponsoring Cubs games?
Hat’s my pitch count
Prior’s pissed off at the mound now. He just landed in a hole on the last two pitches. It’s not like he could ask the grounds crew to fix the hole or anything.
I mean What’s my PC?
Most of the Cubs spend more time at Swedish Covenant Hospital than at Wrigley.
I’m back to haunt you! Oooooh! Ooooh!
Really, I’d be scarier if it was dark and I had a flash light.
Ooooh! Ooooh!
“hey bobby that’s why you were traded…”
68?
Does MLB update during the inning or at the end? 68 seems low.
Hendry, I’m interested in trading for Jessica “Rally Carp” Carper.
She’s too cute to be your mascot.
We’ll give her a booth behind home plate and will designate Scott Podsednik to be her boyfriend. Think she’ll sign that contract?
Hey, I love Todd Walker like a man can love another man, but I do not like it when someone of his tepid defensive ability catches a pop up over his shoulder and does the Rickey Henderson “snatch catch” with a runner on.
But that could just be.
Heh! I said snatch catch. Cue the Rally Carp.
Kenny.
She has too many teeth to be our mascot.
Maybe we could get that new Koufax kid?
“OK guys, kick it with me now…a one, a two, a three….”
By the way, I was 12 years old, I was in left field, I did the snatch catch to end a game, and I didn’t need a ride home because my dad kicked my ass all the way there.
And that was pre-Lou Brown, “Nice play, Mays, don’t ever fuckin’ do it again.”
No way would I go to the South Side! I’m happy in AAA Iowa with Corey and Dew Boyz!
Did someone say snatch catch?
I wonder if Hank told me he’d slap me.
Or Hayes. Ahhh, I love the inability to type.
Here’s what I’m thinking for the trade deadline:
Jurassic Carl Everett for Todd Walker
Chris Widger for Jessica Carpenter
Contreras for Prior
Timo Perez + Pablo Ozuna for D. Lee
Case of Beer + Loaded Crack Pipe for your signature
What do you think, Mr. Hendry?
I’m Jessica Carpenter. I was murdered in Augusta, Ga. in 2000. Even so, if the Cubs got Chris Widger for me, it’d be a bad deal.
Hey dad, if you want Lee, Walker and Prior so bad. Why not just have us carjack them?
Mr. Williams, we’d like to talk to your sons. Again.
You know what I meant. Carper. Her booth will be right next to Nancy’s.
Meanies.
I am the Pitch Count for the Franchise
Anyone know what my HR/Hit ratio is?
Last I heard I was at 11/18
OK. We’ve had Carpenter and Lennon and Jesus. Anyone else in our club?
Ian Snell’s like Teen Spirit is in to pitch!
315 did not include us
Man, I rake.
Ooh, that Snell. Can’t you snell that Snell? Ian Snell will pitch around you!
Hell yes!
I don’t get it Chris, but I am in the hall of fame.
You dope, I rose from the dead. Look it up.
My mom’s old deuchebag is dead. But that’s back in Ohio.
Really, come on guys. I’m not in any way attractive. Give it up.
Wow, we even make the cubs look good.
That Jason Bay is positively gazelle-like in center.
ahh, Kenny (No.312), I thought you’d be a little sharper with the names after being burned in the Dodgers James Baldwin deal a few years back.
Oh well, if you want to make a deal, here’s how you contact me:
You’re dead, Jesus. You aren’t even in the book I read.
I don’t buy into the “protection” theory. I won championships and mvp’s without any “protection” around me. Protection to me, means birth control.
Good one Len!
It’s Murtoning time.
Thanks a good hydrogeochemist is hard to find!
All I know is that Harry Potter and profilactives are evil.
I’m grounding out to all fields today!
…I am the lizard king….[nods off again]
Just get it to me, Neifi.
Don’t worry, the heart of the order is going to lead off next inning…
WE’RE evil. Profilactives are mere amateurs.
I am now officially hitting .180.
Send Barret to Iowa, Dusty!
Wrong Prior. I’ll be hitting for you next inning, then coming in to play LF in place of that rookie.
Don’t tease me like this…
We got Emmy nominations for Best Comedy, Best Lead Actor in a Comedy (Justine Bateman’s Brother), Best Supporting Actor (Hank Kingsley…I mean, Jeffrey Tambor) and Best Supporting Actress (Jessica Walter).
No wonder Fox didn’t dare cancel our asses.
Could someone please explain the Sloth thing to me? Who was he? Why is he always rotting, putrefied, etc?
I’m a bit new to Desipio.
If you can’t use them, why learn how to spell them?
Honestly, I don’t even know why Sloth is rotting in a landfill.
Prior is having trouble with this curve today…it’s probably the wind…
I used to be a catcher…
Clearly they didn’t take any infield practice at the All-Star Game. E-ramis is a little…raw, today.
91 pitches through six. I’m cruising now.
I went off the “proverbial ledge” after the double header in Atlanta…
since then I have appeared in many forms…(all off them dead, but still talking)
He’s trying to avoid being buried in matzo.
If we play like this, you know, score more runs than the other team, the rest of the year, we might make the playoffs!
Just to be clear, I only mean this if we continue to have more runs than the Pirates through the end of the game.
Just to be clear.
What a way to go, though!
At some point during the 8 game losing streak, the Uncouth Sloth took a header off a window ledge and cratered into the street below. He now resides in Dick Mel’s illegal landfill in Joliet, IL, where his hobbies include, decomposing, watching the Cubs, and posting at Desipio and his blog.
It’s BC! I’d better get ensuing.
Doublin’ time!
That long foul is going on the HWEqBA for sure.
I don’t understand my own name. Do I have something to do with the military or with dirigibles?
I hate it when Desipio goes esoteric. Let’s go back to when all I had to do was phone in my daily Korey insult and crap on the Cubs.
And, yeah, my ghostwriter helped me with “dirigibles” and “esoteric”. Hey, writing a daily blog isn’t easy, y’know.
That foul was almost a homer. Tack that on my HWEqBA, mang.
That was just to mess with the people in the Bartman seats…I smoke one down the line now.
Hank, I will not let you foul out to the catcher. Let me push that thing way foul. Try again.
Sloth fell here:
Ok, that grounder should have gotten through, too! Make that two hits on the HWEqBA in that last at-bat!
Apparently, this is my 7th career 2-double game?
I am a destructive force in the batter’s box.
My era is over. You bleenk and you mees it. Mang!
I’ll need a ruling. Since Hank almost beat the grounder out, I say we give him two hits on the HWEqBA for that one at bat. He had the great play by Castillo and the near miss homer in one plate appearance.
Oh, I got the blimp thing. Balloon is probably more accurate given the hot air involved. Still lost on the colonel thing.
I think I’m batting Hank behind Derrek tomorrow, dudes.
If I’d read 361 before I posted, I guess I’d know.
Why am I batting?
Haven’t I done enough today.
Can dusty at least let me heal be for he works me into the ground.
Screw that Dusty, bat Derrek behind me!
Because 368. Prior if you left the game now, the Cubs would lose.
We’re going to call hank’s average for the last at bat a 2.000, dudes. He should have had a homer and a single there. He was robbed, dudes.
Asking Bill Buckner about his days in Boston is a good idea. Let’s roll with it
368, Prior is batting because he rakes, foo!
I say you coun’t the foul ball as a double and combine it with the single that didn’t get through the infield and give Hank a triple in that at bat.
Looks like Bruce made a tour hat just for Nats closer Chad Cordero.
I certainly swing hard, don’t I?
Damnit, Hairston! Strike out or pop up! What is this walking shit?
Look at that! Your old leadoff guy NEVER did that!
Green.
Still here, still rotting, still not loving Police, still mobbin’ with the big snoop dogg, still have love for the streets of Compton.
Oh yeah, I forgot I used to be a set up man too. What a ridiculously good bullpen we used to have. That was just unfair wasn’t it.
It’s just clogging up the basepaths, dude! NOT GOOD BASEBALL!
Surely, Red?
is that 20 of us the last 4 games?
#375 – Really. Somebody needs to charge the mound, just to teach the goof how to wear his hat.
I’ve wasted all my tears.
Are you hitting them corners in them low-lows, too, Sloth?
You know, if there was a DLEqBA, I’d be batting .970, right?
Hey Gang!
What would My CPATeqBA be?
Over on that rooftop they’re putting a K up every time Mark Prior strikes out a Pirate. They’re running low on K’s. You know where they can buy some new ones?
K’s Merchandise!
Hah hah hah hah! Oh, that’s tremendous! Hah hah hah!
I’ll take that golden sombrero now, thank you very much.
I am sorely needed by Bill Buckner.
I have just cursed the season.
I think I just felt my sense of pitch dribble through my legs.
By the way, my first ever favorite baseball player was Bill Buckner. I got his autograph at the Cubs Convention in 2003 and was going to tell him that, but decided it was too gay.
To this day, when I pick up a baseball bat to swing it, my stance is 1981 Bill Buckner all the way.
Whoa….
I am very very very good
Who knew that my singing is just as painful as my defense
You are WAAAAAY to Late dude.
I also broke both my ankles with a hammer just to be like him.
No wait, that was to be like Jimmy Caan in Misery. Never mind.
I need more attention, please.
You know that I am pitching like God, right?
I am hot.
Somebody just give me the MVP now.
My second half slump is over now.
Dave Kingman was my first favorite Cub. He was supposed to be at an event when I was 5. I was psyched. He blew it off and was replaced by Doug Plank.
First D clogs up second, then he clogs up third! How are ever going to win, dudes?
Good grief, what am I banging on about?
“There’s a time and place to strike out”
yeah, right now, in Iowa
I have ripped the bullpen phone off of the dugout wall.
I will not be robbed of a win.
What just happened to me?
I haunt the basepaths here at Wrigley, pretty impressive, considering I’m not dead.
We threw our fifth wild pitch of the day, Humberto got a good carom off the bricks and just barely threw you out at the plate. Oh, you stole, third, too if you didn’t realize that.
I got tagged out trying to sneak home on a wild pitch.
This old cub? what is that? Never heard of it. They should plug that thing some more.
Buckner, Lee, what is all this crap? Show me the love dammit.
Ron, we’d show you the love if you hadn’t eaten it all.
What am I, chopped Liver?
I’m still rambling on about random crap and no one is listeneing blh blah blah blah blah blah….
Yikes. How long did it take the Cubs to figure out not to paint the outfield doors red?
Since I have left, the Cubs have used 3 different Starting LF.
Meet your new blackhole
They gave my number to this hump? I guess it’ll never get retired now.
[pointing at the Aquos monitor] Hey, cool, do you get the cartoon network on that thing.
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
I’m the next time you’ll see Dusty start Matt Murton in a ballgame after this sorry-ass 0-4 effort. Can’t have a veteran star like Hollandsworth wasting away on the bench in favor of this redhead gay boy.
Is Mr. Buckner mentally retarded?? Seriously.
Bill can you stick around for another few half innings? I want to hear about how you fared in those epic battles with Marty Bystrom?
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
Hey Dudes, I’m tired of everybody saying I don’t like to play rookies. I do like to play rookies, I just, don’t like to.
For god sakes, Mackowiak. Sit down!
Someone needs to make Bill Buckner shut up. On the South Side, we’d have dragged him outside and adjusted his attitude by now.
Leading by 4, 4 outs left, 111 pitches. Ain’t he done, Dusty?
listen toooo myy y vooiceeeeeee…..youuu are geeetttin sleeeeeepy….verrrrrrrrrry sleeepy.
Chuck, dude. The tying run is in the dugout somewhere near the bat rack, dude.
Pitch Count…nonesense!
No way, Chuck. I ain’t getting robbed of another win.
You played with Bump Wills, right? Tell us about that.
Now I’m done. Dempster’s the only female doge in the pen that I can trust.
Only we can stop the senseless monotone blathering of BillBuckner.
I’m only three outs away. How many of you thought you’d be seeing me again this year? Hmm?
If you had a choice of Bob or Bill, who would you choose.
Thank FUCK for that.
… and don’t come back, you senile old coot.
You just witnessed me.
If Prior’s spot in the order comes up, will we see Hollandsworth or Greenberg?
I can’t believe I even asked the question.
If I was directing that Visine commercial with Angie Everhart, she’d be getting the red out of something other than her eye.
Maybe Billy Buck is so chatty because he’s thrilled to be in a ballpark for once where he’s not treated like Osama bin Ladin. Give the guy a break, he was a helluva hitter on some REALLY bad Cubs teams. And he played hurt every damn day, his ankles were held together with twine and duct tape.
Were it not for those ankle injuries, I have no doubt Buckner would have 3000 hits and be in the HOF. Or am I the only one who saw him play for the Dodgers as a kid, before he got hurt? Screw Patterson, Buckner really WAS 5-tool.
I’d still take Lee and Grace over Buckner at 1B though. Durham would be a toss-up; I’ll give it to Leon if he brings the coke and sluts.
We rejoice! Bill Buckner went away!
Where’s Sammy?? I got a 95 mph fastball with his name on it.
or Angie would be getting something else out of her eye….
What we didn’t realize was one of the benefits of watching Bill Buckner play is that we didn’t have to listen to him.
Hey Dusty, remember me?
Like one of my seven-ropers?
Am I handling the ninth today?
She wants a pearl necklace!
That was a Eq single for sure…what does that make me 7 for 5 today?
Dudes, I’m still alive!! Bet you didn’t know that.
Sit down Berto.
I’m a good fielder, but don’t I look like I’m drunk out there? I always look like I’m just about to fall down.
No way Bob dude,
Gotta put the closer in to keep the lead. Gotta take ’em one game at a time.
Give Neifi credit, the little monkey can really play defense.
I clearly have zero faith in my bullpen..
I leave mark in for 8, then bring in Dempster in a non save situation, and keep in mind, this is the Pirates….
…How can this be happening?
…How can we be DOMINATED by the Cubs?
Hey Anthony, remember when the Mets traded you for Jose Visciaino? That had to suck.
I wouldn’t say my arse is big, but when I go to the seaside, the tide comes in.
That’s right, Dusty.
Anytime I have a 4 run lead while playing the first out of 4 in a series against the D-Rays, you always have to use the Dempster-like Mariano Rivera.
After all, there’s no tomorrow!
I am original
Good work, Dempster, dude. Now the Pirates basepaths are clogged…Win win for sure, dude!
How can someone have a career 15-48 record and a 3.89 ERA? Just how bad was the early ’90’s Mets offense?
Andy:
No read in her eye, just more white?
Don’t throw strikes or anything Ryan.
Gotta get Dempster in the game, dude. Gotta keep him fresh.
Gotta get Holly in the game, dude. Gotta keep him fresh.
I am drunk.
Stupid Pine Tar in my glove!
Looked out at first.
Screw that Howard, the little mook may have cost the Cubs the game there.
OK, what do I do now?
I got no more pitchers to pitch!
One down, 60 more to go!
We are the MVPs of the game, bitches.
I definately deserve the LVP (least valuable player) today.
FYDD!
You know, i deserve an equivalent batting average, too!
Meanies!
Yeah, there’s no way anyone in my bullpen could have possibly finished one more inning with a 4 run lead. I need to save those guys for when we have 11 or 12 run leads.
I’ll make Wood and his fragile arm throw 240 pitches tomorrow if I have to.
What did I do, Neifi?
Back the the sausage grinder…
Awfully nice start by Prior there…I don’t suppose you guys want to have a fire sale…..?
Hank on the air!! Hank on the air!!!
I look like the commander of a space ship with these headphones and my chest guard.
Oh noooo! My MLB TV feed cut out right in the middle of the Hank interview…
This was a once in a lifetime event!
You’re right, I should never have made Prior go 8 innings and then used Dempster in the 9th. I should have used somebody else from my totally reliable bullpen. You wouldn’t be bitching at all if Novoa or Wuertz had given up a 3 run jack.
Dang, mang! I looks seksee on the television, mang! I’m a star!
welcome back to me, cub bitches
Hank is the awesome! His post-game interview was the best one yet.
then what is the point of having us at all?
Nevermind, there is no point to us.
Make dat jump to hyperdrive! Set course for Alpha Chimichanga IV, mang!
Well, there’s clearly no point in having 12 parts to me.
Don’t listen to them Hank. They’ll forget you as soon as the next flavor of the week comes along.
Maybe this was my way of telling Jim that he needs to get me a set up guy.
No wait, I’m not smart enough for that.
I outrank Colonel Bleemp, mang! He no ees pick on Korey no more!
Win 4
Lose 8
Win 4
Gotta love me!
That Hank White postgame interview was a thing of beauty.
I needed some work. Gotta keep your closer sharp.
There’s been a mullet sighting at Wrigley!
http://www.mace27.com/patsdad.wmv
Change me, mang!
Greetings again from the landfill.
Fuck it, we needed a win today. So we killed a fly with a microwave.
If we have a four run lead tomorrow in the ninth, then you can flop your Wuertzes and your Ohmans out there. I’m not kidding, this game was big. Getting off to a fresh start cannot be overestimated.
Whoa…a whole chicken leg. Looks like it might even be Popeyes. It got trapped between two store-brand diapers, you know, the ones that are still plastic. It got preserved REEEL good.
Check it again, bitches! I don’t even know what that word means, but I like it!
Viva 24!
So Dolan had field access after the game today. Andy, are you credentialed and big time now???
any trades in the works?
I don’t know Radar, I’ll make some calls and get back to you.
Uh…Hank wasn’t on “my” postgame show. He was on with Len and Bob.
Whoever I am, I suck.
I’m a tool!
a man so no to champagne, he say no to life.
I say, I am quite the shithead.
Why are you a shithead, Eddy? Because you’re trying to enhance your value so we can match the Hawks’ offer, unless, of course, they offer you way too much money and you’ll have to spend your days at the Gold Club.
Where am I?
best online blackjack – This is the best site that you will ever find with all the best online blackjack, the highest payouts and the best card counting that you will ever find!