Pitching matchup:
Cubs: Greg Maddux, 8-7, 4.57 ERA, 2994 strikeouts, 892 walks
Reds: Eric Milton, 4-10, 6.93 ERA, 948 strikeouts, 376 walks
Lineups
Cubs
Jerry the Lesser, cf
Todd Walker, 2b
The MVP, 1b
E-ramis, 3b
Michael Barrett, c
Jeromy Burnitz, rf
Ron Ce, ss
Matt Murton, lf
Greggy, p
Cincinnati
Ryan “I enjoy kicking old ladies in the face while chasing foul balls” Freel, 3b
Felip Lopez, ss
Griffey the Younger, cf
Austin kEARnS, rf
Adam Dunn, 1b
Rich Aurilia, 2b
Wily Less Pena, lf
Javier Valentin, c
Eric Milton, p
Cubs advance scout Donald Sutherland on Milton, “Alright, just like you, I find Milton to be a bit of a bore. I’m sure Mrs. Milton thought he was a bore, too. He’s long-winded.”
I’m serious about this. It’s MY JOB!
Anybody want to get high?
If I smoke this, will I go schizo?
Hello Cub fans,
I am the pudgy, usually worthless younger brother of Jose Valentin.
Together, we are the Cubs’ worst nightmare. I keel the Cubs just like my big hermano.
Keel them, i tell you.
I homer off Maddux last year. I will do it again today and then invite Aramis over to my house for taco lunch.
you cannot stop me, mang.
I struck out 3,700 people and I’m not in the Hall of Fame? What the fuck?
It’s days like these that I am glad I’m playing in a AC dome!
Hermano,
Joo save some tacos for me!
I apparently couldn’t throw my curveball because I was too sweaty. See, we miss Joe already, he could have taught me that flop sweat curveball of his.
Just to prove a point, I’m going to shut out the Reds and not strike out a single damn one of them. Take that Comcast!
I threw a sweaty slider.
All my bags are packed
Im ready to go
Im standin here at first base
I hate to wake Sean Casey up to say goodbye
But the dawn is breakin
Its late morn
The taxis waitin
Hes blowin his horn
Already Im so lonesome
I could die
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go
Cause Im leavin on a jet plane
Dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
Theres so many times Ive let you down
So many times Ive struck out with men on first and third and less than two outs
I tell you now, they dont mean a thing
Evry place I go, Ill think of you
Evry song I sing, Ill sing for you
When I come back, Ill bring my World Series ring
So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go
Cause Im leavin on a jet plane
Dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
Now the time has come to leave you
One more time
Let me kiss you
Then close your eyes
Ill be on my way
Dream about the losses to come
When I wont have to win alone
About the times, I wont have to say
Oh, kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that youll wait for me
Hold me like youll never let me go
Cause Im leavin on a jet plane
Dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
But, Im leavin on a jet plane
Dont know when Ill be back again
Oh babe, I hate to go
Where am I?
I’m smooth over here at first. What, I’m supposed to cover the bag? Screw that.
Willy Less Pena. Some times the simple jokes are the best ones.
I know where you are, Patsy.
6.91 ERA? Better score about 13 off this tomato can.
Pat’s been traded to the Reds, so the Cubs are holding him out of today’s game.
Mazur, take the first inning. I’m not missing the good stuff, you know like the sixth strikeout or anything.
Hey Ron, tell that fascinating goddamned story about hitting a homer when the astronauts landed on the moon, and then tell us how that season turned out, you choking bastard!
There’s no need for namecalling, Chuck!
I’m due to fan in the sixth to be Greg’s 3,000th K. I knew that’s why our asshole GM called me up.
Chuck, better than they did against last night’s tomato can, at least. Harang’s outing yesterday was the first CG by a Red’s pitcher this season.
Anybody see me last week where they arrested the guy at the fairgrounds for setting up a Ku Klux Kissing booth?
I got nothing else.
Remember when I almost threw a perfect game against you guys? Yeah, that was funny. Thanks a lot Glanville.
Ooh, there go the old hamstrings!
I think Ken Jr. just reenacted the single in that game, Milton.
Eric, I believe it was merely a no hitter.
I’m like a pair of Jim Hendry’s underwear…very streaky.
Travelling time for Pancakes.
I think you’re right CT, but I know that no one got on base until very late in the game. I’m awesome…or something.
Greetings from Frisco, gang! I know that Greg Maddux could be making history today and I thought I’d help Len Kasper out with some potential calls for that 3,000th strikeout, so I e-mailed him some.
“Strike three, and Maddux punches that ticket to Cooperstown!”
Or my preference, which is, “Called strike three, and though far inferior to any of the strikeouts he racked up in Atlanta, this one is a round number and we’re supposed to act like it’s some big deal or something. I’d like to take this moment to say hello to Chip Caray’s imaginary family in Orlando!”
Hi Chip!
Yeah, Santo’s “God! Sheesh!” never gets old.
Lou Boudreau would still make a better analyst, and Lou’s been dead for a couple years.
I actually already gave Leo Mazzone the ball from a game last year when I got my 2,878th strikeout, because I have 122 in the playoffs and those should count.
So screw you.
Aw c’mon, Pat. Aren’t you going to talk about us today?
Along with Hall of Famer and decaying corpse, Lou Boudreau, I’m Pat Hughes reporting from the Great American Ballpark!
Let’s get this stuff over in a hurry.
K!
You should have heard me calling for the “run & hit” last inning.
And that’s our Chevrolet Play of the Game!
I loved playing in the Queen City.
There’s Pat. That’s too bad. How great would it have been to have had Masur and Santo trying to call 3,000?
Andy: There’s a pitch and it’s…uh,
Ron: I got a fax here!
Andy: That might have been a strike, no maybe something is wrong with Maddux because the trainer and the whole team have come out on the field, and I think he’s broken both of his legs because they are carrying him off the field. Oh, what a tragic sight. The centerfield scoreboard has a big number 3000 on it and it’s flashing, I guess that’s today’s attendance.
Ron: Damnit! I guessed 33,000!
I own you Maddux. Oh, and to the Baseball Tonight crew, stop calling me Junior Griffey.
That kEARnS guy sucks, they should send him back to AAA.
10 years ago I’d already be sitting on the bench.
Price tag just went up on kEARns.
I’m gonna hit a sac fly!
With two outs.
Watch me.
Don’t worry. This won’t hurt much. You guys will thank me later tonight on the team bus.
I got one hit! Put me in the Hall, now!
–In a stall underneath the GAB–
Arrrrgh! Arrrghh! What the hell was in that chili?
Nice throw Cedeno. You’re supposed to push it over to first like the ball weighs 12 pounds!
–In a stall underneath the GAB–
Arrrrgh! Arrrghh! What the hell was in that chili?
Austin, you’ll get three plaques in the HOF, one for you, and one for each of your ears.
I think post 40 should be bronzed and attached to Greg Maddux’s hall of fame plaque.
Actually, I just thought of an interesting point that only dopes like us would ponder…
Suppose Maddux has 2,999 K’s heading into Pat’s growler inning. Does Pat answer nature’s call or hold out to call history? God, you can not let Monotone Masur call it.
Got my curveball breakin two and a half feet. Oh, and my ERA is 4.52 at AAA.
Didn’t Masur do the top of the first?
According to me, most of Miltons pitches are ending up in Cleveland
The ball doesn’t carry as well during the daytime here. At least it didn’t last night.
Masur did not call the top of the first. I have no idea where that came from, because I’ve had WGN on since Ron’s daily softball batting practcice session with Dusty.
Did Pat Hues do the uniform colors? I love when he does that.
How do you like my eyeblack? Intimidating, no?
Time for my first big-league roundtripper.
The Cubs are wearing their road grays with Chicago on the front in blue, red letterson the back and the names in blue. The Reds are wearing white with red pinstripes and no sleeves and have red t-shirts on under the sleeves. Adam Dunn has half a plate of Skyline Chili spilled onto the front of his jersey and Carlos Zambrano sat on some gum in the Cubs’ dugout.
Screw this game. These guys suck. I’m going to talk about cold pizza for the entire top of the 2nd inning.
According to me, Murton just walked on three pitches.
Some guys will try at NOTHING to clog those damned bases!
That goddamn Murton is clogging the bases!
When I miss, I miss badly
The show or the food?
I’ll show you Miguel Cabrera, Dusty.
Watch me clog these bases!
I used to be on Cold Pizza Ron! How’d you like to be on me?
No, Chuck. And we’re very sad about it. I wore my thong just for him.
Three base clogging jokes in two minutes.
This game is shapping up as Muhammed Ali rope-a-doping Tex Cobb.
I know a way I could toughen up your face, Kit.
Apparently I once made a comment about walks clogging the bases.
You’re right, Chuck, it’s time to Shapp Up!
Andy, don’t you mean three too many base clogging jokes in two minutes?
Ron Ce’s first three pitches were
Strike called
Strike called
Ball
Have I EVER taken the first two pitches for strikes? If so, have I been unable to also take the next pitch for a ball? I’m fucking telling Dusty–that dickwad Cedeno’s trying to clog the bases.
I didn’t spend countless seconds signing a bill so that I could (along with 99 of my friends) claim I invented the Internet so you losers could sit here and make jokes about Murton clogging the bases and Pat Hughes unclogging his…uh…you know.
Watch my new HIP news channel!
The base clogging jokes aren’t really as effective unless they’re paired with a Pat Hughes toilet clogging joke. Those never get old either.
RD,
I hope not. I made one of them.
The one where I botched the phrase “stop at nothing.”
I’ve got 313 wins, 2995 strikeouts and I have now allowed 1100 homers since last April.
Hey Al, you never claimed you invented the internet, you dope.
http://www.snopes.com/quotes/internet.asp
I’m number 2996.
Allow me to open the floodgates
I need six STRIKEOUTS today??!?
Ohhhh. I thought it was six homers.
He said he “created” it. Big difference.
Huh?
Thanks, Ron.
Somebody should perform me on that babbling puddle sitting next to Pat Hughes.
If Greggy throws me the change, I’m 2997.
We love moustaches even mamma has one
The “Mo” is short for “Motherfuckin”
Anyone want to set the over/under on how far my home run today against Greg Maddux will go?
You know damn well I’m going to hit one.
I believe Al Gore’s exact wording was “I took the initiative in creating the Internet.” Yeah it’s out of context, but the joke never gets old… at least for some of us…
Actually he said he “took initiative in creating” the internet. Which we all know means nothing.
Wow, he uses intitiative a lot, doesn’t he?
I think the Reds have all the Joementum.
Greggie loves me
No love that time, Toddly?
I’ll go with 477 feet, Adam.
Let’s linger on that shot of the woman fanning her breasts.
Jerry: No whammy! No whammy! Ooh, another bunt attempt! Out.
I’m not fast enough to lead off.
Suckers. You thought I was calling a home run, didn’t you? HA!
Did Kasper just say the first guy Greg struck out in his career was Nap Lajoie?
I think Pat’s been effected by the abolition of steroids.
To wit: his home run call has been way, way off this year. He goes into it when the ball doesn’t go out. In the past, he’d get fooled a couple times a year. This year, he’s been fooled practically once a game.
It’s very disconcerting and annoying when you’re not watching the game. Like most Cub fans, I prefer to have my hopes kept low, rather than brought up and subsequently crushed.
I gave Murtberg some love today.
I noticed this week that the prospect Theo needlessly threw into the Nomar trade last summer (Matt Murton) is suddenly hitting like .845 for the Cubs.
Some moran sitting on the 3rd base side is wearing me. Must have missed last night’s action. That, or he’s all out of clean clothes.
That sounds like an Onion article: “Play by play announcer’s career decimated by new steroid testing policy”
Mike, I’d tell you to listen for Santo’s moans in the background, but he does those on every flyball.
Hello, Jim Hendry! Hello!
Actually, Andy, Santo’s moans are indicative of nothing. I’m convinced that the diabetes has slowly been robbing him of his eyesight, and he relies on Pat more than we do to tell him what’s happening 200 feet in front of him.
Pat’s just been awful. On a couple of occasions this year, he’s actually gone into full-blown “that ball’s gotta chaaaaance”, which he NEVER did in the past unless it was, you know, gone.
I’m gonna hit one to Cleveland.
Did I just say Matt Mulder?
I need a growler break.
In my next at bat, of course.
If you put a man on base, I seriously forget how to hit a baseball…
If Santo can’t see more than 200 feet, how far away do they put his TV monitor?
Rob Deer is my father
My pitch count’s on the Kerry Wood fast track.
And I’m your uncle, Adam.
Time to tie this game up, beeatches.
I can see why Ronny Cedeno doesn’t play more. It’s annoying when your shortstop actually gets hits and drives in runs.
Told you I’ma Cub killer. I just took out your right fielder.
I give up.
I’m limping!
Like Neifi Perez, Ron Ce gets a two month head start
There goes Murton, clogging the damn bases again. He’s only five for his last six with two walks.
Ronny Cedeno is the next Alex Rodriquez. I said it first. That means I’m great and can judge talent and stuff
I’m being examined.
Big whup, I sprained my ankle. I’ll just tie my shoes tighter.
So now is when you squeeze. But Dusty won’t, in spite of all his fatuous talk about “aggressiveness”.
That is called helpng your own cause, bitches.
Quite an at bat by Greggy.
On the first pitch he tried to bunt and popped it up foul and acted like he was going to swing and hit it a second time. On the second pitch he did that weird fake-bunt-swing play all Cubs pitchers try and fail miserably at and singled to right to score Cedeno.
What I really want to know is why the hell Cedeno wasn’t on third? He couldn’t go from second to third on Murton’s single?
I juts said, “Maybe Maddux’ single will loosen things up.”
Oops–Hey Masur, get over here. I gotta go.
If we ever played on a field where fair territory was 360 degrees around home plate, I’d win the batting title.
I assumed Ron Ce was on third. So my imploring Dust Bag to pull off a squeeze just proves, in case there was any doubt, that I’m a dope.
I’m getting a table dance tonight, bitches
Hey Hairston,
Go back to the tapes and notice the closed stance I have. Take notes.
Murton’s single short-hopped into my glove. If I actually was not a lumbering fatass, I would have caught it without much trouble.
I’m watching the game, and I didn’t notice Cedeno wasn’t on third until it took him so damn long to score on ground ball single.
Still, if Cedeno’s half way, he could have walked to third on that. Wily wasn’t THAT shallow.
Ron Ce’s been taking baserunning lessons from me. Maybe that explains it.
Did Burnitz leave the game?
I stopped being funny long, long ago.
That bunt I laid down the first two times would’ve made more sense there… But thank God that Gerut didn’t have a good game last night, else I’d be sitting.
Screw this single shit. I’m hitting a three run jack.
Fuckign rally killer…
Maybe he just runs like me.
According to me, there’s no way Ronnie could have gotten to 3rd on Murton’s single. And I’m never wrong.
Thanks, Todd.
I will be listening to the rest of the game in my car. Go Cubs.
Burnitz is getting his ankle taped, I don’t think it’s that big of a deal, but of course he’s a Cub, so they might have to amputate.
Man, I just shot-putted that thing over the wall in right-center!
There you go Greggie, now go to work.
But Theo Ep thought Mark Bellhorn was a better option… Idiot.
Barrett is the only Cub not in the hit parade.
A little old lady told me to hit a ground ball off your face Freel. So there.
This is how I win the batting title. I’m 6’5 and I just got yet another infield hit.
Todd’s doing a lot of posing at the plate these days. His disgusted bat flip is one of the more annoying things out of a Cub in years.
That’s what you get for trading me to the Red Sox, bitches.
I just talked about salads, that one’s for you Apex.
And where do I rate on “annoying things out of a Cub” list, Brian?
Thank you to the Chicago National Leauge Ballclub for tiring the Red bullpen. That will help us pass you in the standings.
The Red Sox didn’t like Walker’s defense, especially because Nomar had no range either. They signed Pokey Reese and Bellhorn to try second, only Pokey can’t hit and then got hurt and they ended up with Bellhorn who was a much worse hitter and as they found out, even worse on defense.
That’s why they made moves to surround him late in games with Cabrera at short and Eyechart at first.
Len likes me on his salads!
I like his disgusted bat flip because then I know his flyball will die well short of the wall. Unlike Sammy these days, Todd’s home plate act is never wrong.
Right there with Walker’s bat flips on the pop ups to left. Just run it out.
Five runs will not be enough to win this game.
I may be old, but I’m still accurate. That is, Dusty still thinks about me the same way… he’s a complete assbag.
Why can’t our pitchers get Rich Aurilia out? The guy absolutely sucks. Even when he was good, he was bad.
Right, if there’s one Cub to complain about, it’s definitely me…
I just received my first request to describe the player’s uniforms and was praised for including the umpires. Thanks, Chuck! Just one question, though. Why do you care how Aramis wears his pants?
Five runs in an inning, eh?
I predict three more after Burnitz, Ramirez, and Lee get another shot.
Pat Hughes finally gave a description of me.
Walker’s one of the top offensive second basemen in baseball, but that doesn’t mean he can’t be criticized for being an ass with his bat flip.
I think it’s time for Greggy to plant one in Javier’s mug.
Boo-yah!
I’m so pumped I can’t even spell my own name right! Woo!
It’s 5-3, but if E-ramis doesn’t take six months to throw Wily Mo’s one hopper to second, Javy’s homer would have been a solo.
Well, I am the slowest man alive. Wily Mo shouldn’t have ran there so damn fast!
Only one without a hit, eh? FYC!!!
Sooooooooooooooo lazy…
I always wanted to be the Reds right fielder…so lazy.
Holy crap. How does Barrett not score from second on a DOUBLE?
Griffey dove, didn’t get it, then when he picked it up he literally kicked it and Barrett’s still standing on third?
Wow.
According to me, Barrett is batting again after hitting a double. Must be a redo!
How did Barrett only go from 2nd to 3rd on a double?
I wouldn’t have scored there, either! It’s a long way from 3b to home, you know.
How do you not go from second to third on a single and in the same game not go from second to home on a double? They’re the Cubs.
I felt bad for mi amigo, Aramis. So I walked to third in protest of his mistreatment at the hands of this site’s readers.
Just wait until you see me crawl home on Ronnie’s ground ball.
I’ve given up 14 hits in 6.2 IP!
Has Hollandsworth come out on deck to bat for Murton?
We will find a way to not score here.
I’m not a glory hog. I’m gonna walk so Greg can go up there and get his first career grand slam.
I am a fierce competitor! Grrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!
Swing at that crap Murton, ha ha!
We fear the amazing D of Junior Griffey and Willy Slow. Perhaps we should have listened to Ron’s uniform descriptions to hear that Junior wasn’t wearing a Mariners jersey.
Gaugh! daugh! ergh!
Barrett’s had quite a little tour on the bases there. Burnitz thought he was going to score on Cedeno’s tapper and almost got doubled off second when Barrett froze.
Bases loaded, one out. Don’t score.
Yeah, that’s won’t come back to haunt them.
Um, sorry?
We really, really suck.
now’s when I something about how important it is to get that runner in from third… Then I should talk about momentum. Then more talk about pizza.
Wheee, I probably get dumbass du jour now.
Michael “don’t score from second with a double” Barret vs Bernie “cement feet” Kosar
I’m sure that 5th inning was Dusty’s fault but I don’t know why yet. Give me an hour or two and I’ll dredge up some unintelligible shit and post it here.
I should pinch run for Barrett, mang.
Most definitely.
here comes junior or kearns to tie it up with a monster shot to center
We don’t suck. We’ve won 8-of-10 and are WINNING RIGHT NOW. Bitch.
No, here comes Dunn to tie it up.
I would have been dead at home on that swinging bunt, bitches.
My hit to Griffey was a swinging bunt?
Ooh, I’m 2998.
i just tuned in, did they say anything about Krissy’s injury?
I’m still sitting in the lobby at the OBGYN waiting to go in.
Boy, i sure do like to strikeout.
I’m a girl’s name too…there’s not even any need for “Krissy”.
You forgot there was a guy on base… I had to whiff. The last NL player to hit as many dingers as me and drive in so few runs – Mark Bellhorn.
I think we’re all beginning to see that Barrett is not the long-term answer as a full-time catcher. Maybe he and Hairston can go to Baseball School in the off-season.
Am I still roadizzle-trippin’?
So far, we say Kerry has inflamation…again…guh.
Well the official word on Kerry Wood is in, he has a -HEY Look, Greg Maddux might get 3,000 strikeouts today! Smile everybody!
Yes! Debbie Gibson!
I’m the savior at catcher!
I am a below average hitting 3rd baseman, and an above average hitting Catcher
do you guys really want me?
or better yet…
Am I playing my first game as a cub today?
Looks like the “Best Fans in Baseball” are taking it up the giggy so far.
I’m sure they’ll pass around an answer key at the free clinic to try and catch up.
Great riff
Lenny Kaspar is a big fan of mine!
And yes, I realize I brought the average down. Some of that shit is pointless.
I’m addicted to cough syrup is the rub.
Barrett’s fine as the catcher. It’d just be nice if he’d have actually run from second to third then he could have scored when Jr. didn’t come up with it cleanly on the hop.
OH GREAT NOW MADDUX IS HURT TOO, I HEAR IT’S HEMMOROIDS
See ya next time.
It’s a ratings scheme.
Maddux is out after 71 pitches?
Greg’s not hurt. He’s tired. You could see that coming. He’s got one of those little buttons on him like a turkey and it pops when he’s done.
Only you guys could piss and moan about a catcher with a .462 OBP in the last month.
Come on dudes, I never over work my pitchers, you know that.
OBP only has meaning if runs are being scored as a direct result of so and so getting on base. Runs. scoring.
I’ll swing at anything.
…I can hit it hella far though
LOL! I heard that Pat “Hues” thing in the car. Figured you guys would think it was me.
Not to say that the Cubs are going to lose today or anything but they need a really big game from me and they haven’t gotten one since… eh… help me out here.
ohh brother, greg wasn’t that bad but I’ll use it again, here it goes,
“from bad to wuertz” sheeesh
And then it was 1…
Aubrey Huff and Danys Baez and Juan Pierre were Cubs during me.
OK. How the hell did Barrett not score on Burnitz’s double?
The Cubs should just drill Valentin next time he’s up.
“la troy flashbacks”
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaggggggggggggghhhhhhh….
We are unecessecary when Wueretz is pitching. 3 Ks 1 HR. Yeah Wuertz
Can the bullpen pitch 3 more scoreless innings?
We are unecessecary when Wueretz is pitching. 3 Ks 1 HR. Yeah Wuertz
Can the bullpen pitch three scoreless innings?
Hey, I got a shout out.
HA!
Hi guys, just thought I’d check in after an 0-4, 3 K performance today. This DH thing is really great!
I am the greatest player of my era, I don’t care what anybody says. If I could have stayed healthy I would break every record in the book. Screw Barry Bonds. Did you see me flashing the leather out ther in center. I’ve got more talent and heart than anybody, just no durability. This should be my declining stage. I am the only first ballot hall of famer who’s career is a disappointment.
I would be so fucking nice right now, wouldn’t I?
You think I’m good now, wait till I go through puberty!
You need me to pitch in a a major league bullpen.
I could have done that…
We really, really, really suck.
I’d beg to differ with you Ken, but I pretty much drank myself to death.
If you think about the cubs when you are asleep you have me.
Mickey, are we in the same era?
Tiem to take out the guy hitting .421 and replace him with the guy hitting .265. Gotta double switch, ya know
Did any of you see me?
You had your chance Cedeno, now sit your ass on the bench for the next week!
Sometimes I do things, just to prove that I can do them. They don’t have to make sense, bro.
Just like the Cubs, I’ve even stopped playing today, too!
ohman? I tought it was OHHHHHH MAN!!
We are a smart team.
Does anyone think we’re really going to win this one?
To post 254: no, no no, YOUUUUUUUUUUU SUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!
zzzzzzzzzz
When was the last time we were a trustworthy lights out bunch?
Not a good inning.
Ken Griffey is me.
zzzzz…huh? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Runner on 3rd, no outs…
Hey, the Cubs could find a way not to score, right?
#268 – That would be 1978
I am about to occur
1977 was Sutter’s Cy Young year. 7-3 1.34 31 svs in 107.1 innings.
Am I ensuing yet?
all your funny posts about my ears are comming back to hunt you..
Only bad teams are capable of me.
Good thing we’ve used 3 of us.
Wait a second, we’ve still got Remlinger down there.
Whew.
The cubs bullpen is was pretty dominant during me. But then they got tired
They lose this game, they’re done.
Oh, jeez. They’re counting on me here?
This bullpen blows.
No. not at all.
Neifi! is in the game
is not NAFTA, but the Cubs’ bullpen. Sorry Ross Perot, you lose.
It’s on now, bitches.
I’m gonna come bitch for a second and then give up!
We need to bend over and call the game with our good eyes.
I’m sure the bullpen will be fine once Scott Williamson can pitch…
Double play : catcher to first
dunn strikeouts
end of inning, cero runs
WHO AM I KIDDING????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hey they reversed a call like this for Boston. If I had a douchebag like Curt Shilling making a stink maybe they can reverse it for me too.
Am I caused by arguing the call?
Anyone going to make a crack about my batting abilities with RISP??? Huh???
Dunn going to walk here?
It’s a grand slam or nothing.
I’m already back in the dugout, dudes.
Do I exist? jeez!
what gives?
Don’t get excited, we love to give up 2 out hits.
I’m sure that bad call at first won’t come back to bite us here with two outs, will it?
Nah.
Will he be striking out for us tomorrow in St. Louis?
Home free or an on coming train
Unless BALCO reopened, I think we can get Aurilia out.
Here’s when I crap my pants, right?
My nickname: anti-clutch.
I just got struck out on 4 strikes.
Two outs now! This is where I blow it.
Yeah, the Cubs could use me.
Bow down to me bitches!
I get to that ball 10 out of 9 times.
On number of Santo groans Gameday Audio has caused me to miss: 28
I bet none of you have felt such love for me as you do right now!
Eat it bitches!!!
Remind me not to play Hairston tomorrow. I don’t like him showboating in my outfield.
is here….
I just earned some fuckin’ respect. Now pay it.
Oh shit, 2 more innings of this crap?
I made a great catch in this park this season, too, remember?
Yeah.
Those were the days.
Oh, gotta go, we’re having a cow milking contest before tonight’s game.
A good catch by Hairston, I assume?
I could do that. Well, once my knee is 100% and all…
See, Baseball is easy!
Why is the ceiling shaking?
happened? how was the catch made?
That was a great catch. Unlike most Cubs’ outfielders he actually continued to watch the ball into his glove even as he dove.
You can always tell which players were in other team’s minor league systems. They’re the ones with a clue.
Fine, go Hairston, and all that.
But what about me, bitches?!
I am a badass, my errors are called “rare errors”.
You did better than the rest of us Bob
What the hell was that?? Did the Black Farns just save the season?? He might have!
Honestly, after watching this game does anyone REALLY want to give up three young prospects for Adam Dunn? He’d keep Jer-o-my company on the short bus to the ballpark, that’s true. But the occasional homer and walk isn’t worth this guy’s frequent 0-fer days and the 190 strikeouts. I thought we just got rid of a guy that strikes out 190 times a year–two of them actually–and it made us a better team, no? Why add a guy like that right back again?
Now, Austin Kearns, that’s different, I’ll take him.
You saying I have no clue Dolan? I KEEL JOO!!!!
I am a badass, my errors are called “rare errors”.
Roberto Novoa, your table is ready.
Happy now?
Hey remember when I made that catch…that was awesome.
Remember me? I’m back bitches!
The game is over right. I can go to sleep now.
You think anyone calls this pitcher Rusty?
Bob, you look so happy!
And I agree, I’d rather take Austin Kearns on the flight to St. Louis.
Yes. Take me.
2002 .907 OPS
2003 .819
2004 .740
2005 .700
And my injury history is a good as that guy Carrie you have.
“We’re trying to get Jerry to not dive so much in the outfield. You know, when I was a young player Hank Aaron told me…”
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Dusty!
Fuck you!
Fuck Hank Aaron!
I’m saving your job you asshole and you never show me any appreciation!
Did you see my outing yesterday? Maybe you want to change Novoa’s nickname…
Am I still in?
I have nice looking yabohs.
Who the hell is in charge of me today? Half the time, the feed is going down and won’t come back up and now it sounds like Ron and Pat stuffed the microphones in their pants pockets.
I have 4 HRs against the Cardinals this year in 30 ABS.
Baseball makes me tired.
Hey, I never hit .215 for a full season like Dunn did.
Say what you want about Dusty, Little Jerry, but if you take my name in vain again, I’ll break your fuckin’ neck.
This seems smart, getting a second inning out of me.
I am a great word.
If you guys are going to be so short sighted to want to take Kearn over Dunn based on one series, you probably want to take me instead.
Bring it on, old man.
My family is 25% bulldog, 75% Puerto Rican.
Apparently, Novoa wants to work out of bases loaded jams in both innings.
2 on no outs…here we go again wheee this is fun.
2 inning save… Z is gonna throw the CG tomorrow – so no need to worry about him needing him for game 1 in St. Louis, right?
I woke up at 1st base, that was convenient.
13 hits, 6 in one inning. Bleah!
Hi there, I’m the interim manager of the Cincinnati Reds…
bring in Eric Davis, I need a pinch-hitter.
I would be nice once an a while.
If you ever hear Jerry Narron talk. He sounds just like me.
Am I possible?
A balk.
Well, that’s a new one.
5-5.
WTF happened??
Roberto just did one of me.
By the way, that balk call was absofuckinglutely ridiculous.
Bawk your way to the playoffs boys, addaway.
That’s for not mentioning my thong when describing our uniforms today, Pat.
Jerk.
If you think the Cubs are a playoff team, try to imagine us pitching in the postseason.
It’s me.
What, now Dusty brings Dempster in? So his strategy was that if Novoa couldn’t get Casey out he was going to bring in his closer?
He is dumb beyond words.
At the end of the day boys, don’t tell something something…the ship…something something
Well so are we, we’re made for each other.
Why the fuck does that dumbass Baker try to go 2 innings with our relievers. Everyone knows they suck. Getting 1 inning from them is pushing your luck…trying to get 2 innings out of them is just plain stupid.
It’s hot out there dude, can’t have Dempster sweating all over the ball and stuff. Roberto can handle the heat, dude, he lives on the equator or something.
The Cubs have been trying to lose this game since Barrett failed to score from second on a double.
Dusty, you are replacing me with the Gremlin. We do need to score at least one run to win, if we get out of this inning.
Yes, double switches! I’m going to remove Todd Walker’s bat from a tie ballgame so I can get Jose Macias in there.
GOD DAMN IT, I AM BRILLIANT!!!!
A great move bringing in Macias…who is left on our bench?
Baker doesn’t have a clue.
WTF??????
Hey, novoa is tired, and flustered, we need a change in momentum, what’s so bad about bringing in dempster now.
I made the last out in the top of the 8th. Next half-inning could be our last. Hence the Gremlin.
Or something.
I can’t wait until October gets here so I can chill with my homeys back in Sacramento and San Diego. I got luuuuv on my mind, and he’s spelled J-O-S-E.
I’m coming up!
How about me for Lessor if you need the double switch?
Yeah, that kEARnS guy. He sucks.
Here’s where I never take the bat off my shoulder, watch 3 fastballs down the middle, then flip off O’Brien right?
I suck.
That’s the Cubs record against the 2 bottom teams in the NLC in the past 8 games
What’s Jim Hendry doing in the booth next to you now? He better be on the fucking phone. Our bullpen sucks.
AAAERREOIUGH@!F ASEFGLLLLUBAARGHT! GRRRUUUUUUAAAAHGHGHH!
Was it a bad throw by Hairston or did Barrett have his mask on for that play at the plate?
We gone.
Dusty, if you hadn’t been so hell bent on getting Neifi into the game, he could have just pinch hit and sat down, and the pitcher would still be hitting 9th.
The bullpen? Fuck the bullpen. I’m firing Dusty and Rothschild after this game.
One good game against the vaunted Cubs pitching staff…put me in the Hall of Fame, now!
This inning was over when it started… Novoa should not have have started this inning to begin with.
Whhheeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We got the check from the Tribune today, wheeeeeee!!!!!!!!
Maybe the reason we go on prolonged losing streaks is because all it takes is one loss to send our fans running for the razors.
Could I be today, that Dusty’s job tenure, it is ending? Be one with the shit can Hendry, and concentrate…..
I just said a 2-run lead is not a big deal. I must have forgotten how many base runners we’ve left stranded in this game.
not gonna happen
You can only manage a series split with the worst team in the National League. Typical. Nice job boys, now run along and get your asses kicked and embarassed all over St Clair County this weekend, OK??
#399, or maybe it’s because you idiots are able to take what should have been a 4 game sweep over a terrible team and turn it into a split. But I’m sure you’re just saving the A-game for St. Louis.
Big difference heading into a Cardinal series 3 games over .500 and being up 1 game.
I have been changed already!
Yeah. Running for razors after 95 games being 1 over .500 is just stupid. So many teams have come back from that.
we’re fired
Well, at least I’m not blowing a save. Right?
This is still all my fault for not scoring from 2b on a double. What the fuck was that? And we have blown ever since.
Every Cubs’ season “ends” with a loss just like this one. At least now we know how to spot them.
Thanks bullpen.
Damn, that Aurillia just wore me out, maybe I’ll go on Cold Pizza and do my stupid impersonations again tomorrow.
Yeah I was at the one last year when the cubs got beat 3 of 4 in a series against the reds.
They Cubs should have given up 5 runs in the 8th. They got lucky, but to make up for it they did it in the 9th.
7th, 8th , you know what I meant
I’m going to Iowuh soon. I can’t even spell Iowa!
Dusty Watch starts up. A sweep by the Redbirds and Ron Santo hosts the Grady Little show.
bitterbitterbitterbitterbitterbitterbitterbitter
loathingloathingloathingloathingloathing
Look at that box score! What a bunch of freaking losers. I’m the only pitcher with an ERA under 2.50. I rule.
Caramis, since when did they start allowing the team to bat until three outs in the bottom of the 9th when they take the lead to win the game? I think you meant 7th and 8th.
You know we’re gonna lose another 8 in a row now, right?
I go deep into a game, and this is the thanks I get?
Wow! What the hell did I miss? I just got back from lunch to see that Wily Mo Pena is still batting in the 8th, only the Reds managed to put 5 on the board.
WTF
There’s only one way to rebound from this loss.
They’ll have to demote Patterson to AA now.
Well I guess we have to throw 7 or 8 innings for us to win.
I love how as soon as the cubs start to suck, everybody immediately starts getting excited about the prospect of Dusty getting fired.
Does anybody honestly think I’ll fire Dusty?
The only way I see it happening is if the team loses about 15-20 games straight.
Should I use the sand wedge or the nine iron?
Really, it’s 9-5? I got out of there just in time, I guess.
I’m the best thing to happen to this team since Cap Anson. My strategery is exemplaryry.
Well we need to sweep the Cardinals… that shouldn’t be hard. Right?
Scott Williamson and his duct-taped arm will save our bullpen and our season! Yes!! Because we’ve had so much luck with ex-Reds pitchers with arm surgeries already, surely we can go back to that well again, dude.
This season really is toast. It’s been a 500 team since day one, and that’s right where we’re at now. Can’t we at least get rid of Baker, so we can say SOMETHING positive was accomplished this year?
Wow, Andy’s been busy.
aw forget it, whats the point.
Hi, we’re the uniformed Cubs whose names aren’t Prior, Zambrano, Maddux, Lee or Ramirez.
For the most part, we’re worthless pieces of crap. We could resemble professional ballplayers and let those five fine teammates help make some history, and we could take credit for it. Instead, we choose to be shitstains and play shitty baseball. Take a look at one of us, Will Ohman. He should be shot, but that would be a waste of lead.
I was terrible today.
Dude, Hendry will never fire my main cat Dusty, he’s the only guy in the league that understands I’m the key ingredient to championship baseball. That kind of genius needs to be rewarded, dude.
Whoo! Here we come! Good thing Dempster didn’t let the Reds add on to the lead!
Oh. Never mind.
Oh, shut up already. I can’t play D, but I’m a good hitter. Bat flips, and all. Barrett is pretty dumb, but he’s not always bad, either.
Hey, none of Ohman’s runners scored.
We resent that remark #435 and so does commander Hank
This Cubs team plays like me.
Just doesn’t seem all that fun anymore after this shitty series.
You know #435 used to make pancakes jokes about my then “useless” ass back in April.
I’m still fun, Carp and Z-man. c’mon! ….(i’m crying inside)
Just because Aramis likes to dine at me, is no excuse to call him bad.
Well I am D-pressed.
Jerome is already at me right now.
Why don’t you nitwits get on Aramis’ case for hitting another meaningless solo homer in a blowout? How sad is that?
well, that was fun, anybody want to go cheer up and watch schindler’s list?
Remember my homerun from the 4th inning when we all thought the Cubs would pound the Reds the rest of the game?
That was fun.
Don’t worry gang, I’m gonna trade half our farm system for Austin Kearns. He’ll turn this thing around. I have faith in Dusty, especially as long as Mr.McFail tells me too. Keep filling those stands people, Nomar and Williamson are on the way! Scott is healthy, and we all know what Nomar was capable of a few years back. He’s bound to go back to being that guy.
I am actually just about dead inside.
I’ve seen a lot of messed up crap, but that game was depressing.
Maybe one of our lame beat writers will actually ask me what was up with whole not scoring on the double thing? I’m genuinely curious about that.
Unless the answer is just that I’m not too bright, which is quite possible.
You’re from Georgia, we already know you’re not bright.
Those few years I spent in Canada didn’t help too much either.
And now you’re spending nearly every day with a moran like me as a leader. Hell, it’s a wonder you can even dress yourself in the mornings nowadays.
Number of “clogging the bases” references or poorly crafted, unfunny first-person references by inanimate objects (see, e.g., 448)?
I am back at Desipio. I, and I alone will say what is funny from now on.
#459: what’s your problem?
Why am I 275 lbs. heavier? Who put this Cincinatti kid on the plane?
Clogging the bases inference
the white guy in the sun
the insane “double switches”
the infatuation with Macias
the 1-2 K Patt & Neifi combo
the la troy fiasco as a closer
the tired because of day games
the banks-santo basket
etc
etc
etc
show some dignity, get outta town.
The strokes at NSBB are all gushing over Adam Dunn being the greatest hitter since Javy Valentin.
look, we’re going nowhere with this clown, let’s get Grady Little or Bob Brenley.
WHY SHOULD I CARE ABOUT BIG, SLOW, SLUGGING TYPE HITTER’S ABILITY TO GET ON BASE? I WANT THEY SHOULD BE ABLE TO DRIVE IN RUNS, AND THATS ALL! OBP IS OVERRATED SOMETIMES. FCK!