Proof that Len Kasper loves hanging out with degenerates.
You wrote them, he answered them. For the second time since he joined the Cubs, Len Kasper has thrown himself in front of the Desipio firing squad.

———-

Hello Desipio, thanks once again for inviting me to answer some questions and maybe shed a little light on the Cubs and who knows what else you have in store for me. I’ve been busily preparing for ’06 (did you know, for instance, that John Mabry is the only native Delawarean to hit for the cycle?) while enjoying my first off-season in Chicago. Without further adieu (word of the day), here we go…

Len meet Julie, Julie, meet Len.

If you were still part of the Florida Marlins organization, do you think you would be on the trading block? If so what would you be worth?
— Straw

Len: First off, on a serious note, it’s sad what’s happened in South Florida to a franchise that has already won two World Series Championships. Owner Jeffrey Loria has spent a lot of money to keep the Marlins competitive, but with the stadium issue as bleak as it is, he doesn’t have much of a choice but to look elsewhere. To answer your question, if I were on the trading block I’d likely be worth a backup PA announcer to be named later, or a BPAATBNL as we say in the biz.

How do you feel the Cubs have been impacted by Dusty Baker’s reluctance to play younger players? Sure, he played Murton at the end of the year, but do you feel he really has a problem handing over the reigns to the Cedeno’s and Murton’s on the Cubs team?
— Rock and a Hard Place

Len: Well, Dusty wasn’t reluctant to use Novoa/Ohman/Wuertz in big spots, although his options were certainly much more limited in the bullpen. I think we learned that Murton and Cedeno can play at this level, so I don’t think their “lack” of playing time hurt the evaluation process. The other thing is this—many managers like to put young players in a position to succeed and then increase their playing time as they gain confidence. Murton played against a ton of LHs early on and by the end of the season was playing everyday. He got a taste early on, went down to AAA and continued to hit and then came back and finished over .300 in the bigs. I think you’ll see Murton every day in LF to start ’06, so much of this talk will likely be moot. Bottom line, I think Dusty is very comfortable with the idea of Murton in LF and the same goes for Cedeno IF the Cubs don’t sign another SS.

Which minor character from Different Strokes would you most like to broadcast a game with?

1) housekeeper Adelaide Brubaker (Nedra Volz)
2) Arnold’s friend Dudley’s chainsmoking father (Le Tari) or
3) The “Gooch”
— Lomez

Len: Actually, I’d probably lean toward Hank Kingsley (Jeffrey Tambor) from “The Larry Sanders Show.” However, if I had to pick an ‘80s sitcom, I think I would go with Rudy (Keisha Knight-Pulliam) from the Cosby Show.

1) Based on your experiences last year, complete this sentence:
“I resent the inference that….”

Len: Kazmir is in India and not Indiana.

2) While I thought you and Bob Brenly were good all year, by season’s end you two seemed to have really hit your stride as a broadcast team. Was there a particular game/road trip/drinking game/strip club visit where you said to yourself, “Hey, this is really starting to gel”?

Len: Thanks for your kind comments. I felt very comfortable working with Bob from our first broadcast, but I think everyone understood the comfort level would grow as the season went along. I think if I had to pick A MOMENT when it really hit me I would say the Friday night game at Yankee Stadium in June. It felt like a World Series game…Cubs @ Yankees, it was a great atmosphere. And I just felt like we had been working together for a long time. That’s probably the moment when I felt like we were over the hump of “getting to know each other” or whatever. I also think just as important was Bob and I working with our two crews on WGN and Comcast SportsNet. They’re both great crews and it didn’t take long for all of us to get used to working together. I think we were all on the same page right from the start, which really helped.

3) Will we see you at any International Pop Overthrow shows next spring? What are you listening to these days that puts the “pow!” in power pop?
— Touched by a Lassie

Len: Since the season ended, I’ve seen the Shout Out Louds @ the Double Door, the Redwalls @ Metro, Reigning Sound @ Mad Planet in Milwaukee (along with Detroit Cobras) and I’ll be going to the Dandy Warhols @ Metro in early December. I’m always up for a good rock show.

Could you campaign to Jim Hendry for Hank White to take over as player-manager? I mean, come on, he’s Hank White! If anybody can do it, it’s him.
— BC

Len: Henry, er Hank (sorry) had a terrific second half for sure and I think it’s all due to the fact that he has such a wonderful supporting cast at Desipio.

How’s the visibility?
— Steve Stone

Len: I know Steve Stone and that’s NOT his typewriting. Nice try.

I’ve heard lots of talk about Nomar switching to the outfield because he can’t handle the SS position much longer – do you think making a switch is the sort of thing that could revitalize his career? And where do you see him doing it?
— Alessandro Fratellli

Len: I think Nomar is fine on the left side of the infield at SS or 3B. I know he had a crash course at 3B late in the year, but I think he could play there if you give him some time. Outfield? I’m sure he could handle LF, but maybe he’d be best suited back in the AL where he could DH, play a little 3B, a little SS and possibly a little LF. P.S., I enjoyed being around him this year. He’s a classy guy and a very good offensive player. I hope for his sake he can stay healthy…if so, he’ll put up huge numbers again.

Last year it was Journey that propelled the White Sox to their World Series victory. I think that’s the missing ingredient in the Cubs roster. We don’t have a crappy 80s band to inspire us. Any suggestions?

-Cheerless in Chicago

Len: Well, Autograph, Honeymoon Suite and Missing Persons come to mind pretty quickly. In fact, I’m a little nervous those bands came to mind as quickly as they did. P.S., Nothing against Steve Perry, but let’s tell Dale Bozzio to have the music play behind her when she sings “Destination Unknown” on the podium at the end of the Cubs World Series parade. I’m sorry, but the a capella version of “Don’t Stop Believin’” with 7 people (other than Perry) knowing the words made for an awkward moment.

Remember the time your dog ate my goldfish and you lied and said I never had goldfish? Then why did I have the bowl, Len? Why did I have the bowl? — Milhouse Van Houten

Len: Sorry Milhouse, I don’t watch the Simpsons so I can’t answer that. But I’d like to know, are you related to Leslie Van Houten from the Manson family?

What is your favorite Hank White moment of 2005? — Hank White

Len: Again, I know Hank White and that is NOT Hank White’s typewriting. Oh, I’ll play along and answer it anyway…I’d have to say his big game right out of the All-Star break after the uniform number change. It was against the Pirates I believe. And Stoney, the visibility is good…thanks for asking.

Did you play baseball as a kid? If so, what was your VORP?
-Caramis Rambrano

Len: Yes, I played through high school. I was a middling third baseman/pitcher. My VORP was awful, but my EQR/PA was decent as was my MLVr.

Hola Len,
Me llamo Rubby Pérez. Tu conoces mi hermano Neifi. Tenemos una familia con mucho talento.
En la Republica Dominicana, soy un cantador muy famoso.
Me encantan los cachorros, y olvido que un dia, puedo cantar “take me out to the ball game” con ustedes en Chicago. Quisas, un version merengue? Si?
Di me.

— Rubby Perez

(Andy: You may speak Spanish, though I had four years of it at NIU, I had to run this through the Babelfish translator. Here’s what it came up with for Rubby’s question.)

Hello Len, I am called Rubby Perez. Your you know my Neifi brother. We have a family with much talent. In the Dominican Republica, I am a very famous singer. They enchant the puppies, and forgetfulness to me that a day, I can sing “take me out to the ball game” with you in Chicago. Quisas, a version merengue? If? I gave.

Len: I took a couple years of Spanish, but I’m sorry to say I did need the translation. Rubby, we’d be happy to have you sing the 7th inning stretch in whatever language you wish.

1. How would you explain D. Lee’s increase in production last year?
2. Did Mike Marshall’s comments about Cub pitcher’s mechanics raise any eyebrows within the organization?
3. Can you give some insight into the psychological and emotional make-up of Corey Patterson;?
4. Larry Rothchild must be doing something right. What is it?
5. I don’t get the Lead Off Man or the Tenth Inning on the West Coast. What became of HA Hair Arranger, Oak Park Federal Savings, Oklahoma Gas Stations and Richard’s Carfeterias?
— Cubs fan in L.A.

Len: 1) Derrek got off to a hot start, something he hadn’t done previously. That helped a lot. And he’s just at the point where the consistency is there. He just has everything you want in a hitter and it was a total pleasure to be able to watch him hit day in and day out in ’05. 2) Not that I’m aware of. 3) Corey is a very quiet guy (and I should add a good guy too—everyone rooted hard for him in that clubhouse to get out of his slump…unfortunately it never happened). I do think he absolutely has an inner drive to succeed, but I just don’t think he shows it like other guys do. 4) Larry is an extremely intelligent guy, one of the smartest people I’ve ever been around. He has a great feel for how to pitch to different hitters…he has a solid understanding of hitters’ strengths and weaknesses. He also knows what it takes to put guys in a position to succeed. Larry works as hard and is as prepared as anyone I’ve been around. I know 2005 was a very, very frustrating one for everyone in that clubhouse, including Larry, but I know he’s determined to get the pitching staff turned around in ’06. 5) All I know is, I think you should call your local cable operator and demand they show the award-winning Lead-Off Man.

Who is your favorite GM, not working in baseball today?
— Sanjay H.

Len: John Paxson (he’s not working in baseball, so I think he qualifies, no?).

Lenford “Lenny” Leonard…

Should the Corey Patterson saga give the club pause when it comes to promoting young’uns like Felix Pie?

Or was Corey’s 2005 flailing something altogether more uniquely catastrophic?
— Dan

Len: Yes, I do think it should give you pause. However, Pie’s foot injury likely precludes him from a realistic shot at the big leagues out of spring training anyway.

As we approach the 30th anniversary of the our country’s bicentennial, in your opinion, what do think was the real highlight of the ‘76 Cubs?
Rick Monday saving Old Glory from a fiery death?
Wayne Tyrone hitting a home run?
Steve Swisher going to the All Star game?
Jose Cardenal’s hair barely fitting into his batting helmet?
Jerry Morales’s unnerving basket catches on routine plays?
Having a player named La Cock?
Mick Kelleher’s unusual lack of power?
— Bud Green

Len: Since I was 5 years old in 1976, I think the real highlight of that season for me was when I stopped sucking my thumb.

This guy Ned from Los Angeles just called me and said he wants to interview Dusty for a job out there. Do I let him? At what cost?
— Jim H., Park Ridge

Len: I think Ned is gonna hire Jim Fregosi.

Since the beginning of October, what have you been doing with yourself (and don’t tell me you were watching postseason baseball because we all know that they called off the postseason for the first time since 1994 for lack of interest)? Writing the Great American Novel? Closing down the Bella Lounge every night (if so, why don’t you ever make Sneed’s column)? Doubling your rent money at the Grand Victoria or Majestic Star? Tipping the help at the Admiral? Catching up on your back issues of Better Homes and Gardens? Don’t tell me you slink off to Arizona or Florida like other announcers who we’ll not name here. Seriously, since it appears the Cubs pay you well enough that you don’t have to work over the winter, what do you do all winter long besides answering our insightful questions?
— T.J. Brown

Len: I’ll give you two versions and you can pick the one you think is true: 1) I’ve been hanging at home with my family in suburban Chicago enjoying the city, playing indoor tennis, catching up on my non-baseball reading and going to the occasional movie and rock show or 2) the day after the season ended I rented an R.V. and traveled around the country following Fiona Apple’s fall tour.

What will Derrek Lee have to do to win the MVP next year?
Apparently, having more homeruns and better batting average than Pujols doesn’t do the trick. And neither does scoring a whopping 120 runs and driving in an impressive 107 RBIs on a team that only scored 703 runs. And apparently having the best glove in the NL doesn’t seem to matter in the MVP voting.
— Erik

Len: He needs to hope his teammates are a lot better.

1. Schaumburg Flyers vs. the 2006 Florida Marlins. Dontrelle Willis and Miguel Cabrera miss the game because the Elgin-O’Hare tollway doesn’t actually go all the way to O’Hare. Who wins?
2. How is the new steroid policy going to effect Bob Brenly’s mustache?
3. If I send my resume to the Cubs, can I use you as a reference? What if I send it to Dairy Queen?
— TW

Len: 1) The Marlins still win on a Mike Mordecai 15th-inning suicide squeeze. 2) I’m told the ‘stache has tested negative. 3) No, but if you get the DQ gig, can I have a free Snickers Blizzard?

Knowing that the Tribune has a great level of distaste for people on their payroll getting paid for doing nothing, would you mind too terribly much if they took your partner, Bob Brenly, and swapped him with Dusty Baker for this year? I’m sure ol’ Johnnie B. has a few Hank Aaron yarns you haven’t heard yet.

And…Who’s hotter, Jaime Pressley or Nadine Velazquez? I’d still take Jaime.
— The Uncouth Sloth

Len: I think everyone will just keep their current roles for now, thank you. On your second question, can I vote for Julie Bowen?

After your predecessors destroyed the 2004 Cubs’ playoff chances, we were expecting immediate improvement after their replacement. But the team was actually worse last year than the year before. How do you and Bob plan to make it up to us in 2006?
— Apex

Len: I was hoping nobody would notice, to be honest. The White Sox got better, does that count? Didn’t think so.

In your opinion, which current member of the Chicago Cubs organization (player, manager, coach, front office member, announcer) is most likely to get drunk at an FBI firing range and have his jaw broken by Carlos Zambrano?
— CT

Len: This is when I invoke the “Ten Foot Pole Clause.” Ask Andy, he told me I could use it just once in this Q&A, so there it is.

Andy: Fine. I’ll take this one. Sharon Panozzo.

Have you found a preferred watering hole—of the nearly hundred from which to choose–around the ballpark to drink yourself into submission after so many disgusting and mismanaged Cub losses? If so, which ones are your favorites?

Len: The folks at Bernie’s have been great. I don’t drink a whole lot anymore, so I don’t frequent taverns like I used to.

Can you announce football games? Would you want to? Because we could sure use an upgrade at Solider Field during the football season.
— Mike D.

Len: I don’t have any other broadcasting chores in the off-season at this point. P.S., I happen to like Jeff Joniak and Tom Thayer on the Bears games.

When you and Bob did the broadcast from the bleachers, we know why Bob wore 15, because for most of his career that was his number. You wore nine, why? Did you have to get special permission from the Cubs to wear the number? We were pretty sure that when Hank changed from nine to 24 he did so to allow the Cubs to eventually retire number nine in honor of Gabor Paul Bako II.
— Andy

Len: Andy, Andy, Andy, EVER HEARD OF WGN, CHANNEL 9? Hello! Get it?

And with that, I bid you all a great winter. Stay warm and let’s hope 2006 is THE year.