Of all of the strange things that have happened to and been done by Cubs over the years, the news yesterday that Carlos Zambrano’s MRI results weren’t available because Carlos ran from the medical building like a nine year old trying to avoid the dentist ranks right up there, doesn’t it?
It left Lou Piniella to sit through a 20 minute press conference when he had no answers to any of the questions about “How’s Carlos?” Â “What did he hurt?” Â Or even, “Where’s Carlos?”
I hate it when people say things like “this could only happen to the Cubs.”
But you know what? Â This could only happen to the Cubs.
So here they are, with a 4.5 game lead with 22 games to play, a nine game pad in the wild card and they’re faced with complete uncertainty about one of their best players.
I suppose, the fact that Carlos isn’t going to pitch for 11 days at the very earliest means that his not taking the MRI yesterday isn’t that big of a deal. Â But it still doesn’t answer the question, “why didn’t he take it?”
I would say there are three possible options and we can address them from least likely to most likely.
3) All we know about Carlos taking himself out of the game on Tuesday night is that he told Larry Rothschild that he didn’t “feel good.” Â He didn’t say he was hurt, he said he didn’t feel good.
Maybe he shit his pants a little bit and when the Cubs’ rally in the bottom of the fifth fell apart he didn’t have time to change his pants and use one of those nice aloe wipes? Â Hey! Â It happens to the best of us…I mean them. Â I certainly mean them.
So Carlos is embarrassed because usually the only guy who craps himself on the mound is Neal Cotts. Â The Cubs assume he’s hurt, make an appointment for him to see the doctor, Carlos is too embarrassed to tell them he was sick, not injured, so he goes to the doctor, but after the arm exam he skips the MRI.
2) Carlos didn’t like the MRI he got in June. Â He had to do the more detailed one and had dye injected into his shoulder, instead of the one where they just send you to the open MRI place and you sit there while the thing clicks and whizzes and then they bill your insurance company $2,500. Â He also had to get in the tube for that one, which isn’t fun for anybody, much less a 6’5, 240 pound man. Â It could very well be that Carlos was satisfied with Dr. Gryzlo (or Griswold or whoever the quack is) doing a physical exam on his shoulder and Carlos said, “Fuck this. Â I wish I’d never said anything,” and went home. Â It would also account for him not talking to the media or even sitting in the dugout during the game. Â Carlos thinks he’s fine now and doesn’t want to talk about it.
1) Unfortunately, the most likely scenario is that Carlos knows his shoulder is jacked up this time and he doesn’t want to take the MRI because he doesn’t want to know just how bad it is. Â This is the scenario the Cubs are most afraid of. Â This is the nine year old Carlos scenario. Â The one where he hopes if nobody tells him he’s hurt, then he won’t be hurt. Â The Cubs were pretty excited in June when Carlos’ MRI showed (according to them) a labrum and rotator cuff that were in excellent condition for a guy who’d pitched more than six years in the big leagues. Â The unfortunate part of that is that it only takes one pitch for that to change.
So we don’t know. Â And we won’t until Carlos finally takes the MRI. Â He’s supposed to today, but we could also tune in later to find live footage of him running down the interstate in his hospital gown like Alonzo Spellman.
Just when you thought September was going to be anti-climactic…
re: 3) *cough* AHEM
the above comment is attributed to Bob Howry.
So I’m thinking about giving Howry a shot at the rotation while Z is out.
Maybe Carlos just disappeared behind the gray bars of Desipio? He’s still there, he’s just invisible.
Hey, at least it didn’t happen to me. This team needs me and my inability to get hitters out. You can still look foward to seeing me and my douche bag face as well as my crap stained pants for the stretch!! Wooo Hoooooo!!!!!!!
For all the talk about Big Z, wtf is going on with this offense? Oswald, sure he’s a stud, but Randy fucking Wolf? R U kidding?
Yeah it’s a major finger in the eye if Zambrano is hurt but this leaving men on base is embarrassing.
1) Move the tallest singles hitter in baseball, Mr. Un-Clutch, out of the 3 hole and replace him with Ramirez.
2) Put the pirouetting pussy on the bench until he can hit for an average above the Mendoza line and replace him with DeRosa.
3) Move Thunder Mike Fontenot into the starting lineup hitting behind Soriano, against all but the toughest LHP’s.
4) Edmonds hits in the 4 hole when in the lineup followed by Soto, Lee, DeRosa and The Riot.
5) Start Hoffpauir and Cedeneo in the Cincinnati series. The Riot could use the rest, and a series worth of AB’s for Hoffpauir and Cedeneo could only help them and might give Piniella a reason to play them more regularly.
If the fucking Astos can score without Carlos Lee, it won’t be the end of the world if the Cubs sit Lee for a series and see if Hoffpauir is for real. Lee’s ego is the only thing that could be hurt and the rest might actually help him.
Let’s face it, D Lee is no Lance Berkman, and another power LHB couldn’t hurt the lineup.
Jake here, Neighborhood Guy. What is with all the crying about Fuk-u-do-me lately? Yes he is in a slump, but he’s hitting .265 and playing a flawless RF. In the past 5 years if the Cubs were offered that over Jock, Ginger, Floyd, Burnitz, etc. etc., they would have jumped at it. Some would even take that over Sammy Steroid in his later years.
Gotta go make a sucky commercial now…
Think local. Drink local. Punch me in the face.
When’s the next darn podcast?????
Gawd I made you douche bags look stupid last night. I mean hell, I’m no Roy Oswalt (who consequently suffers from ‘Little Man’s Syndrome, thus having a direct correlation as to why he smoked your monkey asses too, but that’s besides the point, this post is all about ME!).
Seriously Scrubs, pull your heads out of your asses and put this division away already. Don’t make a mockery of yourselves (you know, like Uncle Ned did to himself and the Sewers the last two weeks of the ’07 regular season…here I go again, this is about ME!).
I mean, you really don’t want Hendry to be tempted to replace Jason ‘the Italian Stallion’ Marquis with ME in the rotation next year? Do you?
I mean really! Did you hear Bobby just gushing over me last night? Hell,it almost sounded like Chip Caray in the booth gushing about how good Alfonseca was back in the day, or how fluid and effortless Alex Gonzalez could throw a ball from short to first, or how cute of an ass Julian Tavarez had when he would clench it right before he would throw his patented slider in the dirt 3 feet out of the strike zone. Ohh, Julian. Err wait. This is about ME!
Yeah, nice job last night you phucking pansies! You made me look like a Cy Young candidate.
Gawd I love talking about ME!
The next podcast is being recorded this weekend. Should be up Sunday night or Monday morning.
Now that Kermit’s back in the state we can do one again. I should have just asked BC to fill in for him.
Z has me. An anti-inflamatory and some rest should make it all better. No need to shit our pants, people.
I’m really tiresome, Andy. Oh yeah, and I want my subscription fee back for visiting this site.
The gray bars only effect Internet Explorer. It works fine with Firefox, with Safari and actually it works fine with the latest version of IE. Upgrade your damn browser.
That image of Zambrano running down the highway in a hospital gown is going to give me nightmares for a week.
Brickhouse sucked.
I’m Andy, defending the sucky “new” Desipiot format.
PS, when will you geeks enamored with “new” formats get a clue and not fU*K with something which was perfectly fine to begin with.
Or in simpleton English, fix what’s broken, leave alone what’s not.
Dear “Defending the Indefensible”,
You just made the list, buddy.
Love,
Andy
Oh, and by the way, just for that, I’m not switching it back to the old one for Gamecasts anymore. Suck on it.
There is a rumor that when Andy Doses, the Cubs win. Well, what the hell are you waiting for? We need a dose! Please!
You’re a liar Andy. I want/need a podcast.