There are certain things the Cardinals “family” don’t like to discuss. Especially with outsiders. They don’t take kindly when people come snooping around asking about Mark McGwire’s steroid use, Keith Hernandez’ cocaine habit, Jim Edmond’s fondness for molesting small, furry animals, and they shudder when you ask them how old Albert Pujols really is.

So we decided to pull out all the stops and find out for ourselves. We’re pretty crafty when we want to be.

Albert Pujols is “23” years old. Yeah, sure. Have you taken a look at Albert Pujols?

Does that look like a 23 year old to you?

According to the “official” Cardinals Web page, Albert was born on January 16, 1980 in Santo Domingo, Dominican Republic. Nineteen eighty? Really? Sure, whatever.

He came to the United States when he was 16 with his father and they settled in Kansas City. Kansas City, of course, is a well-known bastion of Dominican culture.

He attended Fort Osage High School in Independence, Missouri and earned a baseball scholarship to the prestigious Maple Woods College in Kansas City.

He was drafted in 2000 by the Cardinals and signed and played in class A Peoria. In 2001 he won the National League Rookie of the Year award.

OK, let’s get this straight? A sixteen year old kid floats across the Atlantic on a raft made of tires, sticks and the decaying corpse of a crack whore–with his father. He knows no English but at 16 is in regular school and plays baseball. He plays two years of college baseball and then gets drafted by the near-by Cardinals.

Something stinks, and it’s not the crack whore.

Desipio started our investigation with the following hypothesis. Albert came to the United States when he was 26 years old. He lied about his age to not only attend high school in the states, but also to play baseball. By the time he graduated from high school, even though he was a star, the only college coaches who’d touch a 29 year old freshman were the wonks at Maple Woods CC. Because he was already in the US when the September 11 attacks took place, his birth certificate will never have to be re-verified like it was with so many players from the Dominican who aged very quickly on closer inspection.

Apparently, that hypothesis hit too close to home. It prompted key co-conspirator Tony LaRussa to try and throw us off the scent by declaring his homoerotic feelings for “young” Pujols.

“I think he’s absolutely beautiful. If I were a woman, I’d go for him so fast it’d make your head spin.” — Thanks to intrepid reader Rick Wies (not the fat, bald, bearded Sox pitcher, that’s “Wise”) for sending in that quote.

Despite that tempting lead to follow, we stayed on course.

What we found, was disturbing. If you are an Albert Pujols fan, you probably don’t want to read any further. Perhaps you’d like to continue to live the lie, and instead enjoy the dancing Herves!

We started with this photo of an intimate conversation between Pujols and now departed Cardinals broadcaster Jack Buck.

We have the transcript of that conversation.

Jack Buck: Hello, Albert. How are you doing?
Albert Pujols: Oy, my bursitis is acting up again.
JB: Bursitis, a young man like you?
AP: I’ve had it for a long time. Hit my hip in on the left field railing in Griffith Stadium a few years back in the nightcap of a doubleheader against the Senators.
JB: Huh?
AP: How much of that was out loud?

A quick flight to his hometown of Santo Domingo turned up a disturbing finding. We were put in touch with Albert’s first wife, Maria.

“All I have left from him are his memories. Oh, and this cat. If I could just keep Jim Edmonds away…”

And, his oldest son, Albertito.

It was then, when we knew were were close. Again, Albert tried to get us to chase the red herring that he’s openly gay. Witness this manuever.

But then, we found the smoking gun. We unearthed this photo of the 1932 Yankees. Look who that is in the front row, in front of Babe Ruth.

If that’s true, and our crack photo experts insist it is, then it is amazing that Albert is doing the things that he’s doing at his age.

He’s at least 93 years old. Wow.

—

Last night during the early going in the awful 4-3 loss to the Phillies, Pat Hughes and Ron Santo were looking at the bio for Phillies’ pitcher Vicente Padilla. Hughes asked Ron if he looked like a 25 year old and Ron laughed and said, “He looks 35, Patrick.” Then, Ron started talking about how a lot of the guys from the carribbean and Central America are older than they say they are. He said, “Albert Pujols is what…21? Twenty-three? No way. He’s thirty-three. Easy.” Hilarious.

And true.