Pitching matchup
Cubs: Rich Harden (0-0) 0.00 ERA
Brewers: Braden Looper (0-0) 0.00 ERA
Starting lineups
Cubs
Alfonse, lf
Fukkake, cf
6-4-Lee, 1b
Crazy Milton, rf
E-ramis, 3b
Fontegnome, 2b
Dance Fever, ss
Chainsaw, c
Dick Harden, p
Brewers
Rickie “E-4” Weeks, 2b
Midget Face, rf
Ryan Braun, lf
Fat Prince, 1b
JJ Hardy, ss
Mike Cameron, cf
Billy Hall, 3b
Captain Caveman, c
Braden Looper, p
The dude who just lip synch-ed the anthem was off by a good two seconds. Looked like a dubbed Godzilla movie.
As I’m sure you are all interested, Bruce Miles is in the ballpark. The Daily Herald is letting him “commute” to these three games. Maybe Sullivan will let him sleep in a drawer in his hotel room so he won’t have to drive back and forth all three times.
Looks like the Lions will finally win a game. They’re beating the Texans 15-2. Oops. That’s the Tigers and the Rangers.
I thought you guys said the Brewers didn’t replace CC? What about me?
Uh oh, standard def, Andy’s going to be pissed.
The Cubs spend too much money! Boo hoo! We try to win the right way! On the cheap!
You guys suck.
Standard def does suck.
Milton doesn’t have any hits yet, why don’t you guys boo him?
Having to listen to me suck more.
I’m the emergency catcher until Sunday. The best part is that I can do it standing up.
Hey number 9, big boy, glad to hear you are listening. Why don’t you send me a fax?
I am not heated or air conditioned. I am a fucking barn.
to Jock: Because my OBP this year is still higher than your career OBP….even without any hits.
Bud must have had stock in me. The park is covered in my ugly ass.
No joke about my middle name? Seriously?
I heard Milton was on base four times on Wednesday, but he didn’t have any hits, so that is unpossible.
The Brewers should put a big cursive L on Looper’s jersey, and then we can hold hands and skip down to our jobs at the brewery.
…schla-mozzle.
Ooh, I got to do my twirl!
thought that I quit sucking Wednesday? Think again.
Boo hoo, we had to play a game in San Francisco yesterday so we’re sleepy. Bob said that we didn’t take BP but that the Cubs “did hit on the field.” And, of course Neal Cotts hit on the Brewers high school interns.
I’m going yard, motherfuckers.
Why are Len and Bob harping on me? It’s 42 and sunny outside in Milwaukee, and the roof is closed. How cold could it be in there?
By yard, I meant grounder to short.
But next time, motherfuckers, watch out!
Anybody see the hot start I’m off to?
I’m 0-12, but I do have two walks! That’s a .143 OPS.
This just in, Rich Harden has shoulder problems. I’ve also just been told that Dave Dravecky might have something wrong with one of his arms. I’m checking into it. More later.
91, 91, 91, 93
Wheee! I showed off my gun. I threw it all the way to the dugout!
Oops. I probably should have caught that. Since I didn’t jump and it hit me in the glove.
Sure you won’t see me happen again this season.
If only pitchers had pickoff throws like my throws to first…..
Theriot should have charged that grounder, he didn’t and you could see him start to panic that Weeks was going to beat his throw.
Where’s Howry?
My fastball is frisky today.
Of course, my changeup is now rolling through left field.
I’m looking good this year. I must have only gained 40 or 60 pounds this winter.
Hey now. I lost weight in the offseason. I’m down to a svelte 350.
Bob has bought into the myth that Prince is a good first baseman. He’s not, he’s actually very poor. His hands are hard and the only reason he covers ground is because his ass oozes over a lot of it.
Prince finally found a nice veggie prime rib.
21
I got a hit today. I have three total bases this year now.
30 — and about three strikes.
Normally if you hit it that hard at Rickie you’re on second base.
Wheee! I’m a doubles machine this year!
Giving up an extra base hit to Theriot is not a good omen for me….
I’m using a new bat this year. This one is made of wood, instead of newspaper.
Come on, meat. Toss one in here.
Whatever Koyie gives you offensively is…
a) gravy
b) better than Bako
c) capable of being reattached
I’m fast (seriously) I’m going to try to beat out a bunt.
Oh, and then I’ll be exhausted and give up six runs in the bottom of the second.
The second time around the order is going to be a little rocky.
Someone mention gravy?….Mmmmmmm, gravy.
Guys, we’re gonna need more special sauce! Hendry’s drinking it right out of the dispenser! Again!
Where’s Miles? I thought he was going to live blog this game? I even went out and brought in a transistor radio so he could listen!
Hendry’s drinking my gravy?!
Not just for the Klan anymore.
I’m going to start every hitter 3-1 so you might as well just hand out and wait for pitch five of every at bat.
as if the MLB audio not streaming WGN isn’t bad enough, I need to listen to Corey Provus… God I forgot how terrible he was….
Is the home plate ump’s strike zone as erratic as Gamecast suggests?
A great way to win is to keep flying out on 3-1 counts against a pitcher who has 3 walks and 45 pitches in 2 innings. Smart smart smart.
My new thing is to pop up and slam my bat into the ground.
That never gets old.
Pat and Ron are up now, on the old audio player.
Len said the Brewers were probably thrilled to see they had the Cubs for their opener because of all the fans who they bring.
But even terrible teams sell out opening day, and the Brewers only sell out games with the Cubs or Cardinals, so having the Cubs for their opener probably means one less big crowd this season.
In a row, bitches.
…a homer. Oops.
I appreciated the chance to interview for the Brewers job, and I can see why they hired Ken Macha, it’s not like I’ve won a World Series or anything, though.
I looked waaaaay to happy to have hit that homer, didn’t I?
There’s your high fastball, Brenly. You prick.
Two runs will not win this game. Will they, Ron?
Ron?
Oh, hi, Patrick. Hey, what did Weeks do?
OK, what about Hart?
And Braun?
Yeah, well, my piss bag doesn’t empty itself, you know. That’s what Sirott is for.
What did I tell you, Motherfuckers?
The first of many bombs.
Suck it, LaVerne.
Why won’t we let Looper walk us? He wants too. He really wants to.
I’m an acrobatic outfielder. They usually consist of my lying prone on the ground with the ball rolling to the wall.
Theriot couldn’t have even tried to swing there?
I didn’t want to swing. I wanted to walk! See, it worked.
Get off me. You guys are always picking on me.
Looper is just crappy enough for me to hit.
I can get picked off here. Watch.
Theriot’s getting like a two step lead off first, and he still almost got picked off.
Sammy Sosa used to steal a lot bases, but for some reason, later in his career (you know, when he suddenly gained 40 pounds of muscle one offseason) he stopped running.
Or perhaps, he’s just not quite crappy enough?
Strike three to Hardy was a f’ing laser, it looked a little low, but wow…
I’m just not that good.
Hey Alfonso, I’ll catch the frybarrs, you just get out of the way.
Guh. Soriano fucked me on that one. He’s got to come in and catch it.
Did Kosuke call off Adolpho in Japanese?
One of these days, the Cubs are going to have to find a real shortstop, though.
Whether or not he just assumed Alfonso wouldn’t charge in enough to get that ball he called everybody off and then didn’t catch it.
Was that my first on-camera string of motherfuckers of the season after the two midgets botched the hit & run?
Shit, I’m a better hitter than Kendall. Why walk him to get to me?
I like to see how many extra pitches I can make Harden throw.
Kick save and a beauty, eh!
I’m sure I’m cracking like a glacier in the dugout.
One for the archives today, gentlemen.
I just got another foul ball.
Now that’s how you get a hit, Looper.
Remember how Chip would go on and on and on about how pitchers get tired running the bases.
We all know that was bullshit.
But Harden might be the exception. Last year he beat out an infield single, but then didn’t have to advance past there, and he couldn’t get out of the next half inning and said it was because he was still breathing hard from “running.”
I make my fair share of highlight plays like that, because I take such terrible routes to the ball.
Look out Joe DiMaggio, I’m at two!
Double play joke here.
Now that Harden has moved up another 90 feet to the next pillow, we’ll keep an even closer eye on his pitching against the Battlin’ Brew of Milwaukee next inning.
Let’s see Lee pound that outside pitch the other way for once.
Hey, Lee! Take a walk. I’m going to bang another one out of this dump!
That looked like ball four.
I’d like to see Lee take that pitch…when he’s batting sixth.
What a shitty umpire this is today. Good lord.
Gotta love the 3-0 flyout with E-ramis on deck.
left in 5 innings.
Wow, the Brewers sure do strike out a lot.
Ok, guys, I’m back. I did some more research. I just had that breaking news last week that Harden has a sore shoulder. Now, wow, I can’t believe nobody knew this. I have evidence that Pete Rose may have bet on a Major League Baseball game.
This is going to be huge. I’ve got to call Pete. He’s still playing for the Expos, right?
canjun time, dammit!
Let me handle this one, buddy…
We’re going to be a trill-a-minute this year, aren’t we?
I had the Mc Lung once. I can see why McDonald’s discontinued it.
I shave my eyebrows?
http://mlb.mlb.com/images/players/mugshot/ph_425528.jpg
Wow, the Cubs sure don’t score a lot.
Uh oh, the Cubs have gotten into the vaunted Brewers bullpen. There is no hope for you now!
Has there ever been anything worse, ever, than my ‘editorial’ Twitters?
“Bradley watch: Grounder to short in first on 3-2 pitch. Now 0 for 10 to start season.”
“Fukudome can’t catch the ball. And can’t hit. In one year he’s gone from the Natural to Brian Anderson to Timmy Lupus.”
Both guys hit home runs about 8 seconds after I wrote this dreck. I am an enormous douche.
Just wait 112. We’re coming.
Are we now complaining that injury reports are too specific?
You want a Wanny injury report?
“He’s got a leg!”
Or how about the always informational hockey “lower body injury?”
I’m glad Theriot is batting in front of me. This way I can make the last out of every inning instead of the first.
Oh, we know, 115. We’re playing with fire.
Am I really done after 84 pitches? Oh, no, wait, I’m on deck. So it’s only a “maybe I’m done.”
How about those apples?
Chainsawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!
The Dolan name lives on, Ogdens!
FRANKENBONERTIME!
His clutchiness there was Hank White-esque.
Wow, I just gave up a bomb to a guy with rubber fingers? I suck.
Note to self, McClung does not do well pitching to batters with one hand.
See, another homer just killed a rally.
Did you know Koyie had a chainsaw accident?
Koyie, give them the CLAW!
“Late in the 2008 season, after impressive relief outings for the Brewers against the Chicago Cubs, his nickname ‘Big Red’ began to stick on account of his stature and pitching command and velocity.”
Carrie, I’d like to show you my chainsaw some time. Maybe I can do something about your bun.
Wow, when were these so-called “impressive relief outings against the Cubs?”
I think his name changed to “Big Brown” after I hit that homer.
So I wear sunglasses when I bat…in a dome?
I am now obselete. It’s TABLESAWTIME.
Prince, no discussions about fat assholes in sunglasses would be complete without me.
Seth McClung pitched in five games against the Cubs last year. He was so crucial to the Brewers success that they lost four of the five games he pitched in.
Johan Santana is a lefty one of me. NASTAY
He thinks he originally hurt me in Oakland reaching for a bouncer up the middle.
A year later he hurt a finger doing that. So he’s forced himself to stop trying to barehand grounders, which is why he sticks his foot out (still not too smart), but it worked out pretty well earlier in this game.
On September 18 (a loss) and September 26 (a win), I combined for 6 IP, 2 H, 0 R, 0 ER, 10 K, 2 BB against the Cubs.
GO BIG RED!!! WOOO!!!!!
(I am terrible, and probably lonely)
You’ll have to go through Ed to get to my bun.
Six innings, three hits, two walks, 10 K’s, one earned run and 96 pitches.
He insisted all spring that his arm felt fine, and nothing he did today disputes that. But I’m sure Wittenmyer will find something to piss and moan about.
Time to bullpen proof this lead.
Except I can go more than 6 innings without my shoulder falling off.
McClung was a Cubs killer (in someone’s mind anyway) until he met me.
If you take out the four games the Brewers lost, the Cubs never won in a game that Seth pitched in.
But that’s about as long as you do go, Johan.
This shit is easy.
Kosuke? Puh-shaw. The Cubs would still be better off with my boyfriend Jock.
If only Kosuke were on first…..
Lou needs to find a place in the lineup where a four hop grounder to shortstop will be most useful.
Len is going on about Chris Carpenter. He’ll be great until his shoulder finally blows, at which time he will kill the Cardinals chances and my fantasy team’s and I won’t give a shit.
These Bradley at bats are boring. Why does he need to see so many pitches?
Throw me a strike, McLung. I’ll chainsaw you!
That…was a bad mistake. Time for some pancakes.
Milton that was an awful at-bat.
Strike zone unavailable.
Recalculating.
I didn’t even know that thing stuck in my glove.
Don’t worry. I always wanted to be a starter and I just threw 127 pitches in the bullpen.
was that me wearing that Team USA jersey during “Fan Cam”?
“Heilman has the same style as Harden. He doesn’t throw as hard, and his changeup’s not as good, so I’m sure the Brewers will now light him up.”
I’ve showered with Aaron Heilman!
Neal Cotts is warming up….
Todd Coffey is warming up in the Brewers bullpen? Do the Central teams just pass around shitty relievers?
I hope Central teams pass around shitty relievers, I can play for five more teams!
Always a good idea.
I’m hitless so far this season. I’m sure that shocks Cubs fans since I was such a force two years ago.
163: yes, they do.
Wow, I’m going to run out of teams.
Two companies making money off of the Cubs ‘pen since….the beginning of time.
Fuck it, just have me pitch the rest of the seventh and the eighth…
…and the ninth.
They just pass around shitty pitchers in general.
I’m in. What could go wrong?
Holy crap, Counsell’s batting stance looks like a normal human now.
Craig Counsell
Casey McGehee
Mike Rivera
We’re loaded.
Well, at least I didn’t walk him.
Jesus Christ….I give the Cubs a gift by leaving Counsell in there and Cotts drills him.
And I thought that Rickie Weeks was dumb.
Time to save the day. Again.
LO-HBP-GY
miss me yet?
No.
Yea, I made the stat sheet!
Miss me yet?
I’m still lefthanded, you know, if you need another one.
Chill the fuck out, I got this.
anonymous asshole in the booth when they went to break: “I wondered why Cotts wasn’t your closer.” (whole booth explodes in laughter)
179: Yes.
If Marmol gets the next two guys out, do I pitch to Braun and Fielder in the eighth?
Gulp.
I caught it!
Mark would have caught the liner and then thrown the ball behind his back for a double play.
You don’t want to walk Hart to load the bases for me.
Even you, Marmol.
I piss intensity
Holy fuck. How was that not a strike?
Jesus Christ was a terrible call. Midget Face is 6’4.
Is Ron Santo going to do the color commentary for the Spanish broadcasts of Cubs games?
First pitch to Braun. 97 MPH.
Where’s his glasses? He can’t see without his glasses!
I will now walk my enormous balls to the dugout.
Up yours, Braun.
Does anybody think I could have done that?
Anybody?
I’m sure I could had done that too… But I’m glad I didn’t have to find out
Hurry up and get it done so Jim can bring in Peavy. Marshall goes to the pen and I can light Cotts on fire.
That’s closing, Gregg just finishes games.
Who’s this? I’m Mr. Coffee damnit. Mr. Coffee. You hear me?
We have fully embraced a diet of cheese and beer.
Somebody call Greenpeace, there’s a beached whale on the first base line.
Did Len say that Theriot led the league with 154 singles? I did at least that many, and a few married ones.
OK, bullpen, here comes your insurance runs.
Time to add to the legend.
We like to have camp outs in daddy’s game pants.
Even sac fly power will do.
Yeah, 207 but sometimes it tickles when I’m batting.
Without a hat on, Hoffpauir looks like he’s nine years old.
A gigantic nine year old, but still a nine year old.
You hit me? You didn’t dare pitch to me.
OK, Micah, hit a three run jack.
Wait, why in the world would this be Aaron Miles?
Bob wants to pinch run for Koyie?
Oh, he thinks Koyie got hit in the foot. I think a replay will show he didn’t actually get hit by the pitch.
I don’t know why Miles is hitting, because I’d just rather have Hoffpauir hit here.
What, you think a HBP on the foot is going to hurt me?
That pitch could have cut off three of my toes and I still wouldn’t have left the game.
Brenly, what are you, a pussy?
Sigh.
Why Miles? Why?
and you thought that Derrek Lee was the only player on this team capable of anti-clutch double plays!
if you felt like you were going to hit into a double play just f$#%in strike out. Where is Hoffpower?
The WGN promo for opening day has big homers from Billy Williams, Tuffy Rhodes and Kosuke.
In typically Cubs fashion, they only won one of those games.
Yea, I suck. You knew it, and it’ll probably take only a couple more like that till Lou knows it. Now marvel at another horrible new Cub living up to your expectations – enter: Vizcaino!
Wait, is it my day to start? Shit, what time did the game start? Is Prince leading off for them this year?
You know, I don’t think Lou has much confidence in me.
Why do I get the feeling I’m not going to be all that popular this year?
Here I come.
Or maybe five.
Just leave someone in. You are burning up that bullpen.
We only have three hits?
Look, do you know how hard it is to pitch AROUND Prince Fielder?
There is none. Amazing how Lou can mention it over and over and Hendry not fix it.
Heilman was supposed to pitch the seventh, Marmol the eighth, but Heilman and Cotts combined to blow that.
And we’re about to pay for it with the inevitable Luis Vizcaino meltdown.
#220 The Rockies obviously didn’t, seeing as they traded you for me.
Speaking of me, I just became the active home run leader in Japanese baseball. No shit: http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5hEUsbrOlJO4S3Kg87pXB0cYIUSjQD97EPJO00
“Just leave someone in. You are burning up that bullpen.”
They’re up 1 with two innings left. Lou isn’t playing for extra innings, nor should he. If he doesn’t have anybody ready for them, tough. Win the game.
“Vizcaino’s got a fastball he TRIES to run into the righties and a little slider that he TRIES to work off the plate.”
How’s that for a ringing endorsement?
Wow, it’s sunny.
How come I didn’t tag up, I’m speedy
I’m the new Bob Howry
Is it a bad sign that after every pitch, Bob can’t believe the Brewer didn’t crush it?
I love to underestimate Soriano’s fielding. I thought that would go 10 feet over his head
No. I was good once.
I dropped a sure double play. Or, at least a chance to get Prince at second.
I think Gregg left a spunk stain on the brim of my hat
Shit. I gotta get four outs?
In a row?
“…he needs to get on top of that slider and drive it toward that outside corner.” And Rosie O’Donnell needs to drop 75 pounds and age in reverse for the next 25 years.
Apparently it now takes 6 pitchers to get me….
Uh, what happens if the Brewers tie it?
Three pitches? Hah. You suck, Hall.
Prince we are going to need to get our tent back that you are wearing we have a couple shows this weekend.
Weee look at me !
Well, Lee’s at bat wasn’t all bad. I mean he hit it really high. That counts for something, right?
Our lineup is awesome. The Cubs. Wrasslin’. And a reality show a guy panhandling his way across Europe and Africa. Sam Zell is a visionary!
I’m in center. So if anybody parks a car out here, it won’t matter.
The fans are going to treat me this season like they treated Jock, aren’t they.
Kendall
Duffy
Weeks
Then Hart, and if it doesn’t end by then, it won’t end well.
Wasn’t I the kinda-butch kinda-hot chick from MTV that some horrible muscle disease?
Duffy’s a former pirate.
You know, in Somalia.
Remind me to fine Duffy for swinging. At anything.
Why am I in love with my curveball so much today?
Just try to steal, Duffy. Try it.
I thought that relay throw by Theriot was just excellent. You know, the one he dropped.
Man, First impressions are a bitch, so are second … and thirds. Fuck
Countdown to becoming the setup man…
and fourths, sigh
I’m going to be a lot of fun
*%$#%&#%@&$!&#$^@!
Nice job, stroke, losing two the first four games from a fucking relief role. Jesus Christ. Fuck this guy. What garbage, trading for this waste. This makes one actual relief pitcher on the team. Fucking Hendry.
I’m sure we won’t come up again and again and again and again this season.
This Gregg guy…he is very good.
Time to cut out the Brewers’ living guts.
Don’t worry. Bullpens aren’t important.
So now we’re counting on Ryan Braun hitting into a double play?
Yeah, this will end well.
I can’t stress this enough. This might be the first time in team history the whole fanbase hates a new acquisition before he’s even pitched a home game. I hope the boo birds are good and ready for this chump.
If this fucker ruins my 2 run homer, he can forget about his fingers.
I’ll store them in my freezers for you, Koyie.
Ryan Theriot really is the dumbest player on this team, isn’t he?
&^*# just happened?
They scored four runs, and one was after my error, the last one was when I inexplicably threw home on a double play grounder and in between I called the outfielders off a flyball I could not catch.
But hey, I didn’t get picked off today.
The worst thing that happens there is that you don’t get the double play turned, but having the shortstop with no arm try to beat Rickie Weeks home gave you no chance. What the fuck could the guy have been thinking before the ball was hit?
Thank God we saved $1 million and brought in Gregg instead of keeping Wood.
This isn’t Florida. The people here actually follow the games and will remember what you did in them. So it would perhaps behoove you not to personally lose every single game the Cubs allow you to participate in.
signed,
Chicago Cubs fans
On the replay, Fontenot is already at the bag and Hart isn’t in the picture yet. Only a bad relay from Fontenot would have kept that from being a double play.
Stupid fuck.
Making Ronny Cedeno look smart.
I sucked monkey balls this game.
Theriot lost this game all but on his own – other than Gregg. Besides the runs he cost the team, think of the pitches he cost Harden. If Harden goes another inning,- oh wait, Gregg would still have pitched. Never mind.
Gregg gave up the double and the walk, but he did get out of the 8th, on 3 pitches no less, and got the DP grounder to end the 9th. Sorry, but that loss isn’t on him. And for the record, he didn’t take the loss against Houston the other night and busted a bat on the winning hit, so maybe you spazz bastards could chill out a bit. That was Theriot’s loss.
Still, we can all agree that we’re a hateable bunch of pigf*ckers, right?
It won’t be long before I’m closing.
I am the great defender of the great Kevin Gregg. I recognize that Gregg’s important 8th-inning out more than outweighs his meaningless ninth-inning blown save. Be reasonable, you spazz bastards. Chill out. Use your brains.
I”m a fuckstain
And so am I
Me too.
It’s two games, and he hasn’t actually pitched all that poorly. Not great, but not “suck” “chump” and “personally lost every game he’s pitched in.” Maybe my standards are just low from all those Alfonseca and Flash Gordon years.
Did you see me throw my hands in the air when Theriot threw home?
I’m the other hidden goat of the game. If I do anything other than hit into a DP, its a two run game and a very different ballgame.
Did you see Lou’s reaction after Ball 4 to Duffy? It’s the 4th game of the season, 1 out, no one on, with a 1 run lead. And I don’t challenge Chris fucking Duffy with a fastball in a full count with the top of the order coming up? Did he not see how hopeless Duffy was swinging at the 3-1 heater???
Again, the 4th game of the fucking season. How gutless would I be in a playoff series?? Are we sure we let Kerry Wood get away when he wanted to fucking re-sign with us???
Ryan Theriot, come on in.
This bullpen is fine.
Trust me.
Damn, I was in a shitty position to receive that throw.
It’s the fourth game of the fucking season. Shut the fuck up about the playoffs. People like you are going to make this season unbearable to watch.
blow me. Congratulations on missing the point entirely. You thing Gregg is going to miraculously grow a set in a tense situation when he just showed he didn’t have the guts to challenge Chris fucking Duffy?
Yea, let’s not talk about the playoffs at all. That makes sense. This team is SUPPOSED to go to the playoffs, so it’s not unreasonable to talk about it, even this early.
PLAYOFFS?!?!?
Here we are!
http://www.journaltimes.com/articles/2009/04/11/local_news/doc49dffb383a10c445385835.txt#comment
You’re right, Kevin Gregg’s pitch selection in that situation proves that he won’t be able to function in the playoffs.
Close the book, this season’s already over. Go Bears.
Grow up.
How long are you going to keep it up? This guy is garbage.