Opening day in the rain.
Estimated start time – 2 p.m.
Pitching matchup
Rockies: Ubaldo Jiminez (1-0, 0.00 ERA)
Cubs: Ted Lilly (1-0, 9.00 ERA)
.
Shop the Desipio/Pointless Exercise Store
Opening day in the rain.
Estimated start time – 2 p.m.
Pitching matchup
Rockies: Ubaldo Jiminez (1-0, 0.00 ERA)
Cubs: Ted Lilly (1-0, 9.00 ERA)
.
It’s a doozy.
Alfonse, lf
Dance Fever, ss
Fukkake, cf
6-4-Lee, 1b
Fontegnome, 3b
Chin Vag, cf
Aaron Miles, 2b (guh)
Chainsaw, c
Lilly p
No E-ramis (sore back), no Milton (sore groin), no Soto (back Wednesday) and all three of the infield dwarves. Derrek Lee is going to feel like Snow White today.
I just said that Bradley’s groin “popped up” yesterday.
Eww.
Did you accidentally drink some poison? Need to induce vomiting? Just read my latest turd sandwich:
http://sports.espn.go.com/chicago/columns/story?columnist=jackson_scoop&id=4054014
I’m outta here!
http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=4064793
I said we’ll play “smaller ball” today. I’m referring to you, Miles. Those things are tiny.
Because Chicago media wasn’t shitty enough already.
The wind is howling in today, I’m going to have to try extra hard if I’m going to give up five more homers.
I was reading about those snipers killing pirates, and I’m concerned, does anybody know if any of the Wilson brothers, Jack, Craig or Enrique were harmed?
When we said we got tickets from our “partner” we didn’t mean at the CBOE, we meant at the AssFactory, right?
Hi Len, always glad to stop by and talk during a rain delay, but I’ll need to go 20 minutes before gametime because it’s poopin’ time!
The worst part about the death of Harry Kalas is that he won’t be around to narrate Bears highlights now that they have a real QB for the first time since he was THIRTEEN years old.
Harry was awesome (despite his hilariously disturbingly descriptive name), and sports fans will miss him, whether they realize it at first, or not.
I’m appropriately terrible for opening day.
My dad’s baseball glove is a Richie Ashburn model. Of which he always refers to it as his Itchie Rashburn.
Richie, Harry Kalas’ longtime partner died after a game at Shea Stadium a few years ago. Harry died before one today. The only guy who dies during games is Joe Morgan. No, wait, he’s not dying, he’s just killing us.
If you (woo) need any (woo) help squeegy-ing (woo) the field (woo), I’ll do it (woo) for (woo) four dollars (woo).
Pat Hughes says that Red Barber was the first guy to ever prepare for broadcasts by researching statistics and preparing antecdotes for games. I will be the last to do it. Or the last guy to never do it.
I may pitch a no-hitter today.
The teams here have better arms than the cubs infield today
This lineup for the Cubs is so bad I thought I was managing today.
Currently…ninth inning of the clincher in Pissburgh on 9/24/84.
AWE–some!
Sut and I are going to recreate it today in the pregame ceremony. The Cubs should have paid Joe Orsulak $10 to show up and strike out.
2:30 – The tarp is off the field.
I grew up listening to Ashburn and Kalas. Even got to meet them very briefly as a kid. Very sad.
Currently…ninth inning of the Zambrano no-hitter.
It’s still amazing I swung at THAT.
“Hey Kalas grab a beer and sit down next to my son. It’s great up here. We watch baseball all day. We chase tail. We drink Budweiser. And that pussy grandson of mine is nowhere to be found!!”
Best part of my post no hitter interview, when I said, “The pitching coach talked to me…” Do I have any idea what Larry’s name is? He’s only been my pitching coach for eight years.
We still haven’t recovered from that no-hitter. We went in the tank last year after that and this year we’re awful and currently getting beat 6-0 by Pissburgh.
Thank God for wax paper, or these bologna sandwiches would be totally soaked.
what now marquis? they love me more than you
These guys on the Cubs infield look familiar to me for some reason…
ouch! i pulled a hammy walking
im getting booed already?
Are you doges missing me yet?
………brave!
We’re gonna call the infield the Lollipop Guild! Oh, that’s gold!
BREEEEAAAVE
The wind is starting to blow out towards left. I’m going deep today!
Hey Jody, you hear about that stuff George Clooney is doing in Africa?
That’s still better than Aaron Heilmann
The big redheaded guy almost threw a strike. Hendry, get him to the bullpen.
Gonna give up 8 home runs today
Fowler cf
Spilborghs lf
helton 1b
Atkins 3b
hawpe rf
tulowitzki ss
baker 2b
ianetta c
jimenez p
sore back = too cold outside to play
These fucking guys are really short.
Easter was fun yesterday, I got to spend an extra ten minutes with Jeff because he got shivved on Thursday.
What the fuck am I doing at 3rd?
Wind be damned I’m swinging as hard as I can.
Strike what?
45, I would guess you’re down there saying, “Don’t hit it to me. Don’t hit it to me.” Over and over again.
Anybody can play third.
We advertise our cheap meals because otherwise people would think we’re really expensive.
(You know, if you only eat at the ones in airports.)
Reed Johnson is in center and Kosuke is in right.
And if you have the Cubs second baseman, shortstop and third baseman stand on each other’s shoulders you get one average sized human.
we’ve got 5 starting today
Soriano didn’t homer? He sucks.
What’s a single?
Well, I’m not hitting 3rd today. The movement down the order has begun. Next stop: 6th.
Out by a long way, you know, a Theriot.
What sign? Hit and what, now?
This site NEVER runs those into the ground.
Doesn’t take long to get to the ground.
Get it?
I’m dead!
What did the giraffe say when he walked into the bar? Hiballs are on me!
Short? Just tall enough, looks like.
I’m just tall enough
wow am I wrong
I’m sure the Ivory people are glad that I’m referred to as “porn actress and Ivory Snow model, Marilyn Chambers.”
Marilyn dear, that wasn’t soap I put in your hair.
We haven’t figured out that whole bottom line thing…..
By all means, pitch around me. Please!
And as for the pearl necklace I left you…
Teams just love to walk us, don’t they?
How many of me today?
Just cloggin’ the bases dudes!
I sure do talk about Ryan Dempster a lot, don’t I?
Duuude….the Cubs are clogging the bases without me.
Half swing, full single.
And Aaron Miles will walk completely around the diamond
Have we seen Baker Basher yet this year, or does he only post in Cubs v. Reds gamecasts?
75. Shhhhhh.
I’m as tall as Iannetta in catching position
Yes, I enjoyed swinging at ball three and four. Why do you ask?
Nothing like swinging at balls 3 and 4. Nice job asshole
grand slam, bitches.
We are sorely missed today.
I’m upset Lee didn’t try to score, though I do acknowledge he would have been thrown out.
I need to lean into anything near me.
Aaron Miles should just wear his Cardinals jersey every time he steps in the batter’s box.
Come’on July!
Or, just stand there. 1-0.
Hey Aaron, see how easy that was?
Hmm, bases loaded and we score!
Here we go again
Why is Len talking gravy.
Didn’t I drink it all?
Maybe I shouldn’t have watched those Jeff Suppan tapes.
Even though Jimenez can’t find the strike zone worth shit, I think I’ll swing anyway.
I’m swinging at anything.
Hey Cubs, you forget how I work? Just because the bats don’t stay intact, doesn’t mean you can’t swing them a time or two.
You’ll love me as much as you loved Jock by the time I’m done.
Where am I going?
I think a pitcher should throw pitches to the other pitcher that the other pitcher throws, because if the other pitcher throws them, he doesn’t think he can hit them or he wouldn’t throw them.
Got it?
96 – Foul
Michael Jordan dared me to do an at-bat with my eyes closed today. How did I do?
If I walk Soriano, I should walk. Straight to the dugout.
This is cricket, right? The ball is supposed to bounce?
Hah! Now I’m making short jokes!
I can make short jokes too
Lemme get on this ‘short’ bandwagon. Or is that the short bus?
We’re going to be fun today.
I want to be on Dancing with the Stars
104, does that bus have handicap access? How about a toilet? My beetis makes me have to pee a lot.
Carlos will destroy me.
With Prince Fielder, why no fat jokes yesterday?
We love diving for pop-ups.
I’m working on my fishing casting. Don’t mind me.
Today through Rain-o-vision
The heaters are working in the booth, because I know you all care about our comfort.
I have plans for you Gatorade fountain…
The crowd looks miserable.
who still faxes?
The Cubs should have started Steve Rain today.
Suck it up, buttercup! Heaters? I didn’t need no stinking heaters. Steve did, though.
Remember when Dexter Fowler’s brother used to host Scholastic Sports America? Whatever happened to that guy?
And Steve Lake..
Does ANY McDonald’s employee know what I am or what I am on a burger?
For you kids at home, on cold days, Harry would drink until he couldn’t feel his toes.
Come to think of it, he did that on warm days, too.
Amenities? Oh, sorry it’s out of order. Somebody plugged it up. The women’s amenity might be working.
I’m always broke
I have a speed gun from the highway department. It doesn’t register anything under 55mph though.
I would stick lit cigars up Harry’s butt on cold days, at his request. Come to think of it, Palmeiro did the same thing to Ryno’s wife.
That barr was inside!
If this Kosuke batting three were to work out you could go
Soriano
Theriot
Kosuke
Bradley
Ramirez
Fontenot
Lee
Soto
Pitcher
That much worse than Reds pitching?
Whoo. That felt good.
Andy, he’s at home nailing me.
I BROKE 100!
barr. Whatever happended to Roseanne? Did she eat herself into oblivion?
No need to walk here. Bases aren’t full yet.
I’m laughing all the way to the bank.
Oh shit–DLee is coming for me!
See.
Look at my Gameday pic…do I have a beaver pelt on me?
Yeah, Len. Talk us up. We ain’t closed today, even with our empty parking lots.
I’m more of a ball magnet than Alyssa Milano.
Why are you guys glaring at me? I kept the inning alive for Aaron Miles. Oh, I get it now.
#137 HAHAHA
Time to swing at some balls.
Don’t worry, I’ll kill this inning.
Prince and this pitching hack, must be tight.
The best ex-Card to come to the Cubs since John Mabry.
I have no idea where home plate is.
According to gameday I love and hate to face the four seam.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go take a piss on the Ernie Banks statue
I just insist on swinging.
I hate Aaron Miles so fucking much.
Where was that Bartman cat at on that one? Idiot.
Naw, do it on Say Hay Foul Pole
I’m terrible
The high point of Len’s comedy routine
You know the Astros are having a shitty year when they get shut out by us.
Milton Bradley + Kevin Gregg + Aaron Miles – Mark DeRosa – Kerry Wood = I’m a douchebag
Hey, got some empty seats today. I can see them throught smdge vision.
I should grow a pair
The one thing I like about Lou is that, if people suck, he will not play them, and will in fact make them go away. So I look forward to Miles being disappeared after a few more chances to prove to Lou what he is.
I’m turning into Len’s version of Craig Biggio
#159: Just one problem with that — I signed him for two years.
His agent won me over with a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate. Sorry.
We still use AOL?
This Miles kid would look good chopped up in little pieces and scattered all over DuPage County.
This Miles kid would look good chopped up in little pieces and scattered all over DuPage County.
This is my Masters’ towel. I think it’s clean.
Bob: Uh, maybe not. During the delay you left me up here alone with a picture of Carrie Muskat.
Len: Eww.
How did I do that?
Hey, maybe I’ll play first when Soto comes back!
Or perhaps not.
I’m in love with this pull the bat back thing. And it’s not working.
During my bunt attempt I stopped to blow on my hand.
Scratch that.
I stand corrected. This shit does work! Try it, Al!
He walked me? ME?
The only thing you’ll be playing with is yourself!
it’s just not Len’s day is it?
Tomorrow I’m scheduled to have another aneurysm in the weight room.
We’ll be selling “I got stranded on base by Aaron Miles” t-shirts after today’s game.
I’ll hang up and wait for my aneurysm! I’m hilarious!
Once that ump called that outside strike on me, I was going to swing at anything.
This weather is perfect for a Judy like me, and yet today I’m swinging for homers. I am a dunce.
Should I stop talking about those Gold Gloves now?
Derrek Lee taught me the hit into a double play and hope they throw the ball into the dugout play. Works like 14 percent of the time.
Yep. I’m an outfielder by trade.
Is that a record?
I got dirty – scrap points +1
We should have about 7 runs already
I’ve been telling you that I never get picked off without a balk.
I’ve been lying. But hey, a balk!
Don’t worry bitches, I’m throwing a no-no today!!
We walked like this and our games took five hours every night.
And it was totally worth it.
My arm’s getting cold
It’s good to be back in my old first half form again.
Why don’t we just buy five second ads and say, “If you like to fuck or piss, get Flomax?”
Better due to no commercials
I ain’t wettin’ anuther All Star winning ballot affect my second half this year.
Does not mean what the asshole in the WGN America commercial thinks it does. It does not mean to travel to places all over the world. It means to take a ship and sail all the way around the world. I don’t think panhandling in Uganda counts.
“It’s gonna GET down!” I save that one for the Rockies.
I like to ‘get down’ to, Len.
Morgan was right, the wrong guy was batting cleanup.
That’s right
Commercials you can’t ignore — because the same ones are on every fucking time.
Is not just a shitty Canadian rock band anymore.
beat me to it
Don’t ever suggest Joe Morgan of being right…then he’ll talk more
It’s so cold up here my feet are about to fall off. Oh wait, they already did.
The only thing I will ever be right about is if I say “I should be fired.”
I’m cold
What the fuck could I possibly be yelling about?
He musta called the guy a cocksucker
Remember when I predicted a 2008 Cubs world series in April?
Tim McClelland is trying to calm the orange faced Clint Hurdle down by saying, “Hey, I let you guys win the fucking play-in game two years ago, even though Holliday never touched the plate. Just sit down.”
“It’s a good time to tell this Jim Tracy story…”
It’s never a good time to tell a Jim Tracy story.
I just asked Ronny why he isn’t a fan of sweets. Nice.
You’re not a fan of sweets Ronnie?
(Seriously…this just happened)
what it was when the new andy masur asked ron if he liked sweets
They’re both small words Bob
Hey Lilly, just get through this inning and let it rain. I got a no-no that way. Until that fucking Fay Vincent fucked me a few years later.
I thought you said you had diet beanies.
I caught that one with my knees.
How much do you think Fontegnome is shitting his pants about playing third right now. Let’s just say the Rockies don’t get a hit in the next couple of innings…
Letting you know we fucked up
Len just said, “You rarely see a pitcher who needs a major laundry job on his trousers.” Len didn’t see me last night.
Len: “You rarely see a starting pitcher that needs a major laundry job on the trousers”
Except for when i shit my pants on the mound
I’m dealing it today!
Did I get run?
For those of us not listening, how exactly did that go down? Was it in context at least? It’s possible Judd Sirrot just hates Ron Santo and wanted to get a dig in.
damn, no one to leave on base.
Sure, now I get a hit.
I’m in centerfield
I can only hit with no one on. Note to Lou.
Do you find my random laughter off-putting?
I’m unstoppable. Geovany who?
Hey everybody! I’m good now!
Even I’m amazed I didn’t just kill a rally by getting hit by the ball
I find Judd’s weird pauses after sentences when it sounds like he’s done with his thought only to continue it after the pause to be off-putting.
And who the fuck names their kid Judd?
I need to stay with the Blackhawks.
You guys made the wrong choice, I still believe.
Enjoy my bunting prowess.
Judd does need to stay with us, then nobody has to listen to him.
“If you swing from your ass, I will kick it.”
I’m on.
Here I come
Duuude….7 walks in one game? That’s almost one month of base clogging action.
Nobody wants to unload us, ever?
I’ll just make myself comfortable at Wrigley
Is Sunday night against the Cardinals. We picked that day because it’s where Cardinals fans shop for Christmas presents.
Well, that restroom will be closed for awhile.
On that 7-11 day, will beer be free to the teams? Hope so.
I am all over the place today.
I’d have lit a match, but I was afraid to have an open flame near that thing.
“This popup will be playable, at least for the time being…”
How long did I think it was going to be up there?
Who do you think you are James, Mickey Morandini?
Uh-oh. If Fowler bunts to break this up, Brenly will go apeshit.
THEODORE !!!!
We’re all bitches
I bitch and moan about how my husband killed some grass with his weed killer, but do I offer to get out there and pull some fucking weeds?
Do I?
Bonds’ walk record is in jeopardy, BABY!
I did get tossed, didn’t I?
I’m under Bob’s tongue right now.
LETTERS!
“You know that better than anybody, Ron, when a good hitter’s got his legs…”
I am too manly for my jacket, but it is weak and lonely without me. So I will do the right thing.
I’m not too bright. I had an easy out at first and decided to chase Kosuke around instead.
This year, I have produced 11 K in 29 PA. OPS+ of 24. Miss me yet doges? Hendry’s a douchebag!
I can’t dance to that crap.
Seriously? What year is this?
The lower you throw it, the more I like it.
Right between the dwarves.
helluva job Ted
hits*
Great, now we can conspire to fuck this up.
Nice going.
How many pitches have I thrown so far?
RIP
Garret Atkins 4/13/09
I’ve got the day off. You guys are fucked
That was too high wasn’t it?
104
I’m coming in? This seems like the opposite of a good idea.
Where’s that Gatorade machine at again?
…Superbowl commercials are still being played in April?
First pitch, to the backstop.
Thanks Ted. We’re thisty now.
Don’t worry, if Angel doesn’t get it done I’m throwing in the pen
Pitches two and three were good, but four was a HANGer.
I’m stealing your hop Sori
LOOK GUYS! There’s snakes all over the mound.
That flyball took a right hand turn on me. But I’m Reed F’ing Johnson, its no problem for me.
Guys I am your angel, your favorite angel.
Suck it haters!
Holy shit, we suck.
Not Ozzy Osbourne suck but suck nonetheless.
Hey Len, where’s Harry’s ol’ stash at again?
How in the h@ll did you guys get to stay at home and watch this game while I am at work?
College
Holy crap, how many times are they going to show this terrible music video?
Sut just said, “It raised a ton of money…” for me and Moreland, Leon and Jody were too damn dumb to notice.
Who said we weren’t at work?
Who says we’re not at work?
I’m going deep!
Huh, 3 times.
I was the talent in the group.
And the sex appeal.
I swing like a fairy.
And I wasn’t the sex appeal?
Should have just let me finish this thing. Why bring in the gas can that is Heilman?
I just talked about my ‘ostomy bag and Ron Santo’s thumb in the same sentence.
Lou, you let Angel hit and then changed pitchers?
Where’s that Gatorade fountain?
Nice shot of Soriano practicing his swing in the outfield.
I was going to say “between pitches” but I would guess he does it during them, too.
Shit, I’m even making Sutcliffe nervous.
http://www.boston.com/sports/baseball/redsox/extras/extra_bases/2009/04/fidrych_killed.html
I think I’ll have a little “discussion” with Aaron Heilman.
That conversation included the words “40 degrees, fucking, strikes, and ended with ‘You know that, now let’s go!'”
Works every time.
I’m gone now too… sad day
Man, I am busy today. Sort of tired now. Time for a nap.
The angels needed another pitcher, and so they have called Mark Fidrych up.
(Because Nick Adenhart is dead?)
Not those Angels.
Don’t bother me, I have a syrupy bullshit book to write that women who know nothing about sports will guilt their husbands into reading.
Now somebody boost me back up into my desk chair!
Lou is kind of scary.
Wow. Look at that weather. Sure, now the Cubs want to play in a hurricane!
Dad’s got a lot of great memories about this place. He played here for a couple years, he coached here for some, he got a DUI on his motorcycle right over there…”
After 7 games….we’re projected to go 0-162 on the year.
Len thinks we’re going to rest tomorrow on our day off. Sure we are. Right after we bring a couple of drunken skanks back to our places at about 4 a.m.
OK, Kevin, see this?
This is the strike zone. It’s your friend.
OK, which bases are allowed to overrun, again?
First and second…ooh, and home!
Kosuke’s on base average.
Is this number significant?
Oh, which bases are we allowed to overrun, again?
You said first!
I don’t think “light in the loafers” means what Bob thinks it does.
Who? What? Did someone say something about loafers??
Thanks for ruining my save chance, Kosuke.
No, really, thanks. I need all the runs I can get.
Did Bob say “light in the loafers”?
What was Bob talking about to use that phrase?
I said that some guys get “light in the loafers” when runners try to slide into them with their spikes up.
It’s in my contract that I must use at least 6 pitches per batter or 20 per inning, whichever is greater.
We love three ball counts.
That’s two more than me!
And me.
Don’t make me come out there.
Hey Gregg, your knee may hurt when you warm up, but my ass puckers when you pitch.
And me.
Cue up that “Go Cubs Win” song!
That’s two more than me.
And me.
Not so fast
Can you guys just go ahead and call that Heilman jackfuck Mayo on your bloggy things from now on?
…win!
Oh…right. Never mind. Carry on then.
Royalties!
….Cubs/Cardinals, on WGN America?
Even on opening day, we can’t end the broadcast fast enough. I mean shit, we’ve got America’s Funniest Home Videos to show!
A fat idiodic white guy is hardly the image we want associated with our product.
Those aren’t testicles. Carrie just has really big ovaries…on the outside.
Right, hon?
LOL guess how much money I still get each year even though I have sucked pretty bad for half a decade now!
LOLZ
That’s why I lost the mayo account.
Game’s over. Come over to our new site and read all about it. It’ll be great.
Just as soon as we figure out how the Scoop Jackson Gibberish to English thing works.
One hit? We only got one goddamned hit?
Dude, shut the fuck up and tell them about the testing supplies like we pay you to do!
We really love to sit in our own filth
Dear Diary,
This game was almost as exciting as the time Tom Glavine won his 300th game. It was a little chilly, but my burka was warm and kind of waterproof. I met a lot of great people including ObeseShutIn37 who was at her first Cubs’ game and had seats in left center, and center and part of right center. I wore my superlucky Cubs road hat, the one they don’t wear anymore, but it’s now 14-17-2 when I wear it to the game. I had to report one of the vendors to security because a woman who was clearly in her late 20’s was served an alcoholic beer and the policy is that anyone under 30 must be ID’d. It was kind of sad to see the vendor fired right on the spot, but if not for rules there’d be chaos.
The Cubs won 4-0 and now I’ll write a narrative of the box score…