Pitching Matchup
Cubs – Carlos Zambrano (1-1, 4.85 ERA)
Snakes – Smiley Little (0-1, 6.00 ERA)
Shop the Desipio/Pointless Exercise Store
Pitching Matchup
Cubs – Carlos Zambrano (1-1, 4.85 ERA)
Snakes – Smiley Little (0-1, 6.00 ERA)
Cubs
Soriano, lf
Dance Fever, ss
Fukkake, cf
Hoff Power, 1b
Crazy Milton, rf
Fontegnome, 3b
Koyie Dolan Hill, c
Miles, 2b
Z, p
Snakes
Flippy Lopez, 2b
Augie, ss
Bad Chad Tracy, 1b
MarKKKK Reynolds, 3b
The shorter, darker Chris Young, cf
Mercury Montero, c
One of the Uptons, rf
Yusemiro Petit, p
Do I have to carry the offense again?
How’d you like that 412 foot out?
What’s more weathered, my nachos or my wife?
Nice tops. You guys look like blueberries!
Why did I wait to shoot until there was no time left so nobody could try for a tip in?
You no throw strike, I no swing.
Good news, I’m almost ready to come back!
I mean, that’s GOOD news, right?
See, because Derrek is so important, Lou won’t rush him back.
(Which is me being nice and not saying ‘He sucks, and Micah is better than him.’)
Lee has a bad neck, E-ramis can’t run, I do know that there’s such a thing as the disabled list, right?
Signs? We have signs?
This is the worst base stealing team of all time
You can’t expect Kosuke to catch a ball with that much English on it.
On a pickoff throw we just like to show a close up of the pitcher’s back.
I thought that Chad Tracy and Matt Murton would battle it out for batting titles.
In the Pacific Coast League.
I have no clue how to draw up a defense.
You forgot Conor Jackson.
Are these free throws kind of pressure packed?
I’m throwing dry heat.
I just shit all over myself.
I should be batting third in this lineup.
I will just pick a smaller part of the park.
3-0 Cubs.
“He finally got one over the wall.”
You know for the first time since last night.
My ass and my pitches are fat.
If I played every game in a dome, I’d be going to the Hall of Fame.
Do I have to change my name back to Sable now?
I got to watch Dan Majerle in college at Central Michigan.
Did I say “got” I mean “had.”
I’m a dangerous man at first base.
Because I’m likely to be picked off at any moment.
I used to clean my bat with rubbing alcohol after every game.
Joe Morgan used to drink rubbing alcohol after every game.
How are you racists doing tonight?
“Yes dear, you are right, I’m sorry.”
The classics never get old.
To me.
I call that one the kamikaze…with parachute!
Holy crap, the D’backs are stealing our defense!
were gonna try to be like harry and steve and talk random stuff and the fans will enjoy it
D Lee taught me how to do that.
Len said a pitch was “on the black.”
That’s racist and I won’t stand for it. I’m going to write a sterly worded blog post about it.
Jeebus, I’ve had blood alcohol levels higher than the Diamondback’s team batting average.
I do the hop to remember Daryle Ward.
Hey, both pitchers tonight are from Venezuela, just like Pablo Escobar!
I saw Joey Gathright do a backflip once. Even more impressive would be if he actually hit a ball fair sometime this year.
(Hey, don’t look at me, the Tribune fired me. That stupid fuck is on his own.)
Who wants to taste my Acapulco Taco Pie?
This is true, Google can tell you not only which visitors came to your site, but what they searched for.
For Desipio, the fifth most searched for term is “Seattle Sutton.”
They must get a little shock when they see this: https://www.desipio.com/?p=1339
Oops, gotta get to work. What channel is the game on?
2nd hit of the year, time to go on the DL
That’s a motherfucking hit!
I’m heating up! Fuck you DeRosa lovers.
Don’t give in to Milton or Fontenot, Koyie Dolan Hill is hitting behind them and he can not be pitched to.
Hey, Yusemeiro, I’m about to fuck you gently with a chainsaw!
FONTEJESUS!
The only way to get me out. Try to pick me off first.
Not much of a Gamecast here. You guys all upset about the Bulls?
Hey guys, how do you load an avatar thingy? I’ve got a good one
http;//www.desipio.com/images/gordo.gif
Oops, heh, heh. Ironic that a wordsmith like myself would have a typo. Try this.
https://www.desipio.com/images/gordo.gif
im gonna be lazy n hit another homerun
Maybe you should refrain from throwing me fastballs, Yusey.
I’ve been put on the DL with “excessive suckiness.”
Another selfish walk. I’m disgusted.
Seriously, I don’t have a job, but Gail Fisher still does?
How about you find the showers, Petit?
At 6’11 Jon Rausch is the tallest pitcher in big league history.
And the shittiest.
Holy shit, who is this tall fuck? Is this legal?
Look how much space there is between Rausch’s number and his round, supple ass!
If a 6’2 guy like Rich Harden can throw 96 MPH you’d think Rauch could throw 147 MPH.
So I figured, hey, why not get the neck tattoo, it’s not like I ever want to be able to get a real job.
The Cubs are “exactly the same at home and on the road. Four and four at home, five and five on the road.”
Huh?
Derrek Pipp?
My days as a Cub are numbered.
I’m gonna get more hits this inning than I had all year, motherfuckers!
Or just as many…motherfuckers!
Has anybody drank me since, say 1999?
So I decided to take my new boyfriend to Olive Garden to meet all of my friends. Because we’re cool and we hang out in played out chain restaurants. So my one friend Todd says to my new boyfriend, “Has she gone ass to mouth yet?”
And I was so embarrassed, because we just had, in the car. Hey, it’s a Subaru!
We might have something with this Large Z person.
A seven run lead? No problem, I managed to blow an 11 point lead in like two minutes!
Let’s bring David Patton in!
Whatever I am, I’m warming up in the bullpen.
Honestly, they’re just making names up at this point.
Seriously, Larry Bird doesn’t do that much ballhandling.
Hah, that’s nothing. I grabbed mine so much, I managed to tangle them together. Now that, is a talent.
Hey, I’m about to get tossed! That never happens in Arizona to me.
I’m a red assed fuck. Because this game is all about me.
The umpire is mad because Carlos is a racist!
I like it here, it reminds me of the dome in Hiroshima, except the fans throw nuclear altered carp onto the field after home runs.
…
Carlos: I didn’t say shit to that fuck.
Kosuke’s translator: Big Z-san no say shitake to honorable ball-strike arbiter.
Kosuke: You know that’s pretty much English, right?
Carlos: I don’t know what’s up with this jackass.
Kosuke’s translator: Z-san unknown about donkey’s motives.
Kosuke: Honestly, that’s just broken English. I have to understand English just to figure out your translation.
Carlos: I didn’t even tell the ump to suck my dick.
Kosuke’s translator: Z-san says he did not tell honorable ball-strike arbiter should do to him what Wittenmyer-san has been offering to do to Crazy Bradley.
we may really have something with this large z fellow.
Shit, and I had plenty of biscuit’s for breakfast.
I would have paid for there to be a collision at the plate. Carlos would have turned Montero to dust.
You know, Lou if we score five or six more runs, our bullpen could hold this.
After the shot of Z huffing and puffing in the dugout, cue the obligatory he won’t be able to pitch because he ran the bases comments.
You know how hopeless it felt yesterday when it was 5-1. We’re basically suicidal right now.
You’re nicked!
Car flags aren’t just for Puerto Ricans anymore.
(Actually they still are.)
Nice Work
How you like my hop, motherfuckers?
I have four car flags.
Oh, wait.
Vroom vroom party starter!
Seriously, how am I still in the league?
Koyie Hill is like a combination of Russell Martin, Joseph Mauer, and Charlie Johnson.
Entertaining rednecks and 60 year olds for 20 years.
So my pony league team coach had tickets and I said I’d like them, and my mom and I came down to the park and now I’m playing shortstop for the Diamondbacks!
You no throw strike, I no swing.
Catcher: OK, let’s try something different.
Pitcher: You want to see my changeup?
Catcher: I’d just like to see a strike, meat.
Boy that looked like a meatball to Hoffpower
I’m too fast to double up!
Twice in a week.
Bob and I just recorded a new podcast, and unlike the one Andy and Kermit did you can actually hear us!
#105
Hey! THI
I don’t think we want to see Milton extend his groin.
Hey why aren’t you fuckers booing right now? Milton’s Bradley’s up!
I hit a 99 MPH Kerry Wood fastball for a homer yesterday. Just like I used to in Pissburgh.
Do I get to play tonight?
You’re right Gordon. Cub fans fucking love me. And hey–I homered tonight.
For a skinny guy, I’ve got a pretty healthy pair of manboobs.
So Bako was reviled and Blanco was deified.
Where does I stand with Desipio Nation? Perfectly ambivalent?
I’m a FUCKING BEAST
Can you still download them from ITunes?
I have a kickass middle name, a kickass nickname (Chainsaw) and one scary looking hand, I think you bastards love me.
Yup. Just search for Desipio and you’ll find the new one. And yes, the sound quality is as bad as you’ve heard on the newest one. Andy’s too loud and Kermit’s too soft. Too bad, because it’s funny.
I just think Kerm’s too effeminate.
Yea, sound quality never stops me from listening to it. Anything kill some time, right?
If he keeps swinging the stick, playing D, and the Cubs keep winning when he pitches, I think KDH will be ok.
We really love Mark DeRosa. Just look at us!
They love us in Phoenix!
I’m buying a table saw tomorrow.
We’ve been sorely missed for months in Chicago.
Glad to see we are not around tonight.
so when is that all star game cuz i’m pretty sure that i am a lock
Tanktops all year long is one great advantage of living in Florida.
Just a triple shy of the cycle!
This just in–
I’m the Balls.
I don’t need no help. I win by myself.
17 career home run. How many more do I have than that shitstain Augie Ojeda?
11 more than me, Carlos.
I was announcing the game when Mark Grace hit for the cycle in 1993.
If he dies, he dies
10 more than me.
RING IT UP
1 more than me now.
really, i would love to hear that conversation between lou and aramis
Guys with more career homers than Carlos:
Milton Bradley
Alfonso Soriano
That’s it.
Here comes my hit!
it’s ok theriot, i’ll take over at short the other four days
Never mind, I already have it. Don’t need any more.
You see that? I am fast!
#139’s factoid has blown my mind.
Oh, sure, the black guys have more homers than Carlos.
You racists.
if lou takes me out before i triple i may kill aaron miles
I’m done as dinner.
Bring on Patten!
Please take Z out now Lou…
You rang?
ok bring on angel guzman or whatever crapfest we have out there….no neal cotts tho i dont trust him with a 9 run lead
I could use some work.
Don’t listen to them, Lou. Z’s got two more innings in him, easy.
Screw you, Scott! I’m the best military role you’ve had.
I’m almost ready, just another 20 minutes, and I’ll be good.
We like to jump for no reason, don’t we?
I’ll give you one more pitch. See what you can do with it.
when z says one more batter, he means ONE MORE BATTER, arizona didnt have a choice
That’s the only way we can get the shampoo bottle off the top shelf of our lockers 155.
Two Cubs have three hits tonight.
Koyie Hill and Carlos Zambrano.
You’d be surprised how often it happens, you put a new fielder in the game and the first ball is hit right at him.
I’ll bet it happens one out of every nine times.
no coincidence they will be the starting battery in the all star game in st louis…haha but seriously, they will
One hit lefty, one hit righty, I’m back motherfuckers!
Oops, 160 was me.
I’m in the hole!
Hey, I have three career triples! It could have happened.
Len, I am disappointed in you. You were absolutely obsessed with Micah Owings’ hitting last week.
Wait–Bradley’s black AND a switch-hitter?
Cub fans are not only racist, they’re homophobic!
I’m a little rusty
Don’t worry Angel, I’ve got your back.
I’m looking spry, motherfuckers!
So you see, Ryan, after I kill them, I always remove their right eye. Look at this one.
I have a bandaid on my finger because I nicked myself while I was chopping up a drifter.
Bob just called me.
It happens, 172, it happens.
It’s not an eye. It’s the remnants of Luis Vizcaino’s career.
Hey guys, I’m standing right in front of the ad for Lone Butte. Get it, Lone Butt! Hah! Oh, that is rich!
My stuff is good. If only I could throw strikes…
I really, really, really like Ryan Dempster. You know, like how Jennifer Jason Leigh liked Bridget Fonda.
Holy shit I hate third base.
Hey Angel, trust your stuff, just don’t trust your infield defense.
You see, after I kill them, I put these enormous moths in their throats.
Hey, wait, was she a great big fat person?
Doctor Lector, we’ve got another one!
Notice Lilly put the bug on a black guy. And as if racism isn’t evil enough, he’s trying to scare someone with a bug. We don’t torture in America!
Fly, be free!
I’m going to be on SportsCenter
I’m now telling stories about a dove who lived in the BOB. This game has officially gone on too long.
Tom Gordon has been a big leaguer so long that it’s now legal to fuck The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon.
Holy shit, I’m old!
It’s the ghost of talented, injury prone Cub past v. talented, injury prone Cub present. Hey, let’s get Andrew Cashner in there to complete the triumvirate!
Wait, a minute, what did you say Lenny about being asked to emcee the retirement ceremony this weekend? That’s my job.
Now I don’t feel so bad about the steaming present I left in your gay little atache case during the sixth. And yes, I did have THAT MUCH CORN!
In these spots last year I’d manage to need to be taken out of the game.
…Win!
flap flap flappity flap
I never hit game-winning home runs when it counts!
Yea, we kinda suck right now. Lou’s getting pissed…
the lineups dont have me. let’s play lee and soto JUST BECAUSE. it wouldn’t be smart to keep hoff-power and koyie out there. no, they are hitting the ball real well.
sure, logic says play your starters, but if there not doing starter quality work, it sort of defeats the purpose of it.