Now that we’ve figured out who had the best seasons at each position this decade for the Cubs, how about we take a tour around the great Cubs teams of the last ten years and reminisce about some of the truly awful players they actually paid to play for them.

Pitchers

Daniel Garibay, 2000

This wispy-mustachioed lefty reliever won a spot in the Cubs bullpen out of spring training in 2000.  It was as though he appeared out of thin air.  After signing with the Dodgers in 1992 he only played one season of minor league baseball (1994 in San Antonio) and posted an ERA of 121.50.  Yes, one hundred twenty-one.  The Cubs signed him after the 1999 season and they were so bad that seemed like a viable option in 2000.

He pitched 74 innings too many for the Cubs, and put up a 6.03 ERA and only lost eight games.  He wasn’t good at striking guys out (46) but he knew how to walk them (39) and he loved to give up hits (88).  When the Cubs released him he disappeared again until 2005 when he pitched for something called Angelopolis in the Mexican League.  For one game.

Todd Van Poppel 2000-2001

The opposite of Garibay, everybody knew where Van Poppel came from.  He was a first round pick of the A’s in 1990, they paid him a shitload of money to keep him from going to the University of Texas and he was pitching in the big leagues at 19 years of age in 1991.  He was touted to be the best pitching prospect since Dwight Gooden.  With one small problem.

He sucked.

His ERA’s in his first six seasons 9.64, 5.04, 6.09, 4.88, 9.06, 6.38.

The Cubs signed him a few days after Garibay.

And…he was good for them for two years out of the bullpen.

In 11 big league seasons, he only posted two years with ERA+’s of over 100.  (100 is league average.)

Both of his years as a Cub.  2000 (121) and 2001 (164).

In 2000 he was 4-5 with a 3.75 ERA in 51 games–49 out of the bullpen and two starts.

In 2001 he was 4-1 with a 2.52 ERA, he struck out 90 and walked only 38 in 75 innings in 59 relief appearances.

And then?  And then he decided to go back to the Rangers, who he had already pitched for once (and put up a tidy little 8.84 ERA), and he was bad again.  He finished up with a season and a half in Cincinnati.

Oh, and he had such a great complexion that during his run of competence with the Cubs we dubbed him “The Pock-Faced Assassin.”

Ron Mahay 30 years old in ’01-02

Mahay pitched two less than sterling seasons for the Cubs, and other than the fact that his wife is a soap opera actress (and he used to appear on her soaps as a cop), the only reason I even mention him is that he’s still pitching, and he was old–and bad–eight years ago.

Donovan Osbourne, 2002, 0-1, 6.19 ERA

Just one of a number of douchebags who the Cubs let wear 31 after both Fergie Jenkins and Greg Maddux had already owned it.  He was bad, and a former Cardinal, so he just gave us more reason to hate him.  He probably goes to Cubs games and tells his demon spawn that they retired the number for him and two other guys.

Francis Beltran 2002 and 2004

Beltran is one of my favorite Cubs of all time, though not much for his performance on the mound.  He wasn’t terrible (40 K’s and a 4.53 ERA in 35 innings in 2004).

But I’ll always remember him because he was 6’5 and 220 pounds and him and Carlos Zambrano used to put on boxing gloves and beat the shit out of each other in the clubhouse.  It’s probably a good thing for Michael Barrett that Francis wasn’t around to tag in while Carlos was punching his brains out in 2007.

Francis also was part of the Nomar trade in 2004.

Oh, and his middle name is LeBron.  And you thought Mrs. James just made that name up.

Will Cunnane 2002

There have been lots of ugly Cubs over the years.  But none have ever been uglier than Will Cunnane.

Jesus Sanchez, 2002

The only reason I even remember him is because I wanted them to use him as the closer so I could sell these t-shirts:

Dave Veres,  2003

Who am I kidding?  Of course we remember Dave Veres and his stupid habit of half taking his hat off and pulling it back down over and over again, and of stitching a DK 57 patch onto his glove and for sucking ass.

Jimmy Anderson, 1 save, June 14, 2004, 4 IP, 2 ER, 7-2 win at Houston

The rotund one has one career save, and I remember exactly when it was.  It was June 14, 2004 and we were doing a Cubs Live GameCast that night.  Jimmy came in to relieve Mark Prior and kept pitching and pitching and when it looked like he might finish the game and earn a save.  So I offered to buy his fat ass a pizza if he did it.

He did.

And so did I.

Andy Pratt, 2004

When the Cubs finally gave up on Juan Cruz after the 2003 season they traded him (and Steve Smyth) to the Braves for Pratt (and non-comedian Richard Lewis).  Pratt threw with his left hand, and as we know, Jim Hendry has long been obsessed with people who use their left hands to do anything.

Pratt had struggled through control problems in the minors, but nobody doubted his overall stuff.  His dad was a roving pitching instructor in the Cubs’ system and they figured if anybody could harness his ability it would be the Cubs.

They couldn’t.

Here’s the most incredible stat in the short history of Andy Pratt’s Cubs career.

He posted a 21.60 ERA, allowing four earned runs in one and two-thirds innings, walked seven guys, and allowed ZERO hits!  He gave up four runs and never allowed a single hit.  I guess what’s most surprising is that he somehow got five guys out.

Jermaine Van Buren, 2005

Van Buren bounced around the minors until he went to a funky delivery in 2005 at AAA Iowa and though his stuff was underwhelming saved 25 games.  He came up late in the season and pitched six games for the Cubs.

When the Cubs sold him to the Red Sox before the 2006 season, our pals at the four-letter messageboard threw a fit.  Clearly Jim Hendry knew nothing about pitching!  Pitching is about disrupting timing that’s what Jermaine knew how to do.  No wonder the Red Sox are so much better than the Cubs!

Van Buren pitched in ten games for the Red Sox in 2006, and never pitched in the big leagues again.

Les Walrond, 2006

Here’s how good the 2006 Cubs were.  Les Walrond made two starts for them.  He was a 29-year old rookie.  He went winless with a 6.23 ERA.

Jae Kuk Ryu, 2006

He is famous for being a strange little prick, who repeatedly threw baseballs at an osprey that had nested on a light tower at the stadium the single-A Daytona Cubs played at.  He finally hit the osprey hard enough to kill it, and he went to jail.  If only he could have harnessed that stuff on the mound.  In ten games for the Cubs in 2006 he had an 8.40 ERA.

Steve Trachsel returned in 2007

Trachsel was a high draft pick of the Cubs  (8th round out of Long Beach State in 1991) and he was in the big leagues by 1993.  He did that weird thing where he was good in even numbered years and bad in odd numbered years.  (He led the NL with 18 losses in 1999).  He finally was able to string solid seasons together once he left the Cubs and went to the Mets in 2001.

The Cubs brought him back in August of 2007 and he made four starts.  He was terrible.  He was 1-3 with an 8.31 ERA and he threw a fit in the clubhouse when he was skipped for his final turn, and he was pissed that he wasn’t on the playoff roster.  Clearly, he’s a man who has a firm grasp on his abilities.

Wade Miller 2006-2007

For a while there, if you had Tommy John Disease and your team let you go, you just waited for Jim Hendry to call.  Wade Miller made $2.5 million in 2006 and 2007 to make eight starts and go 0-3 with a 6.88 ERA for the Cubs.

Nice money if you can find a dumbass to give it to you.

Chad Fox (2005, 2008, 2009) 0-1, 10.03 ERA, 16 games, one save

Chad Fox had three different stints with the Cubs under two different managers (Dusty and Lou.)  Amazingly, the most interesting thing about his Cubs career isn’t that awesome 10.03 ERA.  It’s the fact that he suffered three career ending injuries in three years.

He blew out his elbow in a meaningless two-inning stint (when, incredibly he was the Cubs best reliever) in 2005.  He didn’t pitch for three years.

He made a comeback and blew out his elbow again in 2008 for the Cubs.  He walked off the mound holding his elbow, he cried in his interviews after the game and said he knew it was over.

And then he came back last year and blew it out again.  So who knows, maybe he’ll be back next year to shred some more tendons?

Aaron Heilman (2009) First batter faced .305/.397/.542/.939, 3 HR, 9 BB

We all remember this asshat, he just left.  Hendry had tried for years to get him from the Mets and they would never trade him.  Then last offseason they traded him to Seattke and Hendry jumped on his chance and traded the brilliant Ronny Cedeno for him.  Heilman’s overall stats for the Cubs last year weren’t horrible, but he wasn’t very good, and these stats illustrate that.

Against the first batter he faced (kind of a big deal for a reliever) Heilman allowed a .305 batting average, .397 on base average, .542 slugging average, .939 OPS, three homers and nine walks.  I hope the D’backs enjoy this d’bag.

Hitters

Willie Greene, 2000, 105 games at third base

I remembered that Willie played third for the Cubs, but I had no idea he played 105 games.  Given his awesome stats there, you can see why Don Baylor kept running him out.  .201/.289/.365/.654 and a OPS+ (100 is league average) of 66.  Guh.

That was actually higher than the OPS+ of 65 he posted the year before in Toronto.  Willie had four pretty good years in Cincinnati in the mid-90s, but there was no illusion he had anything left in 2000, and he proved that.  105 times.  It’s easy to forget what a black hole third used to be.  Actually no, it’s not easy to forget that mess.

Damon Buford 2000-2001, CF 185 games

I’m convinced that the only thing Ron Santo knew about Damon was that his dad, Don, was a big league centerfielder for the Orioles, because Santo used to mention it twice a game.

Damon was a very good defensive centerfielder, one of those guys who chewed up the grass and made a lot of catches look easy.  But he was a terrible hitter and he wore weird tattered three-quarter sleeve shirts under his jersey no matter how freakin’ hot it was out.

Julio Zuleta 2000-2001

Zuleta was a crowd favorite because he hit a grand slam against the Cardinals once, and because he looked just like Pedro Cerrano from “Major League.”  (Maybe Julio can get an insurance commercial now, too?)  He was tall and when he hit the ball he hit it a long way, but he didn’t hit it that often.

He struck out a whopping 51 times in only 174 big league at bats.

Julio is best remembered not for the 49 games he played at first base, but for the last of the six games he played in left field in 2001.  He played a single into a ground rule double, but then went into the vines to get the ball and turned that ground rule double into an inside the park home run.  If you close your eyes, you can still see him trying to tear the vines off the wall in a futile effort to find the baseball.

Augie Ojeda 2000-2003

Augie Ojeda is a cute little guy who played 143 games in parts of four years for the Cubs at both second and short.  He was Ryan Theriot, before Ryan Theriot.  But he was a non-threat at the plate with a career batting average as a Cub of .198 and an OPS+ of (wait for this…) 43!

Of course he has since resurfaced in Arizona and become a useful player with a career batting average of .250 (not bad for a utility player) in three seasons.

But that’s not what pisses you off.

In the 2007 playoffs against the Cubs, he played second base for the (always) injured Orlando Hudson and he hit .444 with an OPS of 1.101 in the three game sweep.

Well, of course he did.

Roosevelt Brown, 99-2002

Rosey Brown was a man without a position with the Cubs from 1999 to 2002.  He played in 45 games in 2000 and hit .352.  But he was too slow to play center and had no real power, so he wasn’t what you want in right or left, either.

But what really sunk him was that when he finally got real playing time (111 games in 2002) he hit .211.  Ouch.

Todd Hundley 2001-2002

Of course you remember Todd Hundley.  You remember him being a really good catcher for the Mets in the ’90s, then blowing out his elbow and being replaced by Mike Piazza in 1998.  When Todd came back the Mets tried him in left field and he was hilariously inept out there.  So the Cubs signed him as a free agent for the 2001 season.  He had grown up in Palatine, he played college baseball at Harper, and of course, his dad Randy caught 947 games for the Cubs in the ’60s and ’70s.  This was going to be great.

Until it wasn’t.

Todd was terrible at the plate (he hit .199 in two seasons), and worse behind it.  He passed out on the field during a game in St. Louis, and left several other games early, his uniform stuck to him because of his profuse sweating.  Rumors swirled that he was detoxing from booze or worse.

Whatever it was, other than a two homer game against the White Sox in 2002, Todd was useless.  He struck out 169 times in 171 games.

He was booed mercilessly for much of his two year stint, and Cubs fans rejoiced when Hendry was able to somehow convince Dan Evans of the Dodgers to swap Hundley and the two years on his contract for one year each of Eric Karros and Mark Grudzielanek–two key parts of the 2003 NLCS team.

Lenny Harris, 2003

The most prolific pinch hitter in big league history seemed like a solid addition to the Cubs bench for 2003.

Until we saw him hit.  Or bat, is more like it.

Lenny Fucking Harris pinch hit a lot, but because for much of the season the Cubs had nothing at third base Dusty kept playing him there.  A position he could not field.

Not that it mattered since he hit only .183/.255/.239/.484 in 146 plate appearances.

The Cubs waived him during the season and he ended up on the Marlins, so he got a World Series ring out of the deal.  Great?

Gabor Bako 2003-2004

Gabor Paul Bako II played two seasons for the Cubs (and nearly returned last year).  You have to be pretty bad if you’re a backup catcher and fans hate you, and Gabor was up to the task.

He led the league in dropped third strikes in 2003 (not including two in the playoffs–one with one out in the 11th inning of game three of the NLCS) and in 119 games over two seasons he had 370 plate appearances (waaaaay too many) and had 25 extra base hits.  TWENTY-FIVE!  For comparison’s sake if you just look at Carlos Zambrano’s last four seasons he has 323 at bats and 27 extra base hits.

Damian Jackson 2004

The Cubs went through middle infielders like tissue paper in 2004 (Mark Grudzielanek, Todd Walker, Alex Gonzalez, Rey Ordonez, Brendan Harris, Tony Womack and Jackson) and Jackson hit .067 in seven games.

So why is that a big deal?  It’s not.  I just wanted to remind you that he has spider webs tattooed from his triceps to his wrist on both arms!  Creepy.

El Pulpo 2002-2003

Antonio Alfonseca used to be best known for three things.  (Or 24 things, maybe.)

a) He has an extra finger on each hand and an extra toe on each foot.  And they’re not little nubbins, they are a full finger.  Creepy.
b) His nickname is El Pulpo, which is Spanish for The Octopus.
c) He was traded for Dontrelle Willis.

Since c) is not longer a big deal given the premature demise of Dontrelle’s career.  Pulpo needs a new third thing.

Should it be:

1. That he was suspended for bumping an umpire in 2003 when he was in the bullpen?
2. That he sucked?
3. That he was a “closer” who blew 12 of the 31 saves he attempted in two years with the Cubs?

Guh.

Neifi Perez 2004-2006

I could write a book about how incredibly consistent Dusty was at misusing Neifi, who was a good utility player for the Cubs in limited time at the end of the 2004 season and early in 2005.  Then suddenly, Dusty made him an everyday player and Neifi was terrible.

Instead, I’ll just give you this stat which says it all.

Neifi had an awful .298 on base average for the Cubs in those three years, and he started 197 games (way too many since the only full season he spent with the Cubs was 2005) but how about this?  In those 197 games he batted first or second 119 times.  ONE HUNDRED NINETEEN!  Sixty percent of the time when Dusty wrote this out-machine’s name on the lineup card he batted him first or second.

Double guh.

Jose Macias, 2004-2005

He looked like a Gremlin and he hit like one.  In 210 games over two years for the Cubs his on base average was a whopping .284.  And for a super utility player, he couldn’t play short or third and was terrible in the outfield.  So, what did he do well?

John Mabry, 2006

Part of his suckage isn’t his fault.  The Cubs signed Mabry to be a backup outfielder and to play a game or three at first base while Derrek Lee defended his batting title.  But in May Lee got run over by Rafael Furcal (who was not charged with DUI, but should have been) and was out for most of the rest of the year, and Mabry got too much run and he hit like a guy who shouldn’t be playing very much.  He hit .205/.283/.324/.607 in 107 games.

In case you are wondering that’s awful.  Unless it’s compared to:

Aaron Miles .185/.224/.242/.466 74 games in 2009

I’d like to congratulate Aaron Miles for putting together a season so terrible, so irredeemably awful, so inept that it makes any other lousy season this decade pale in comparison, especially when you factor in that the Cubs signed him to a two-year deal and gave him $5 million bucks.

Breathe deep and take it all in.  74 games, .185/.224/.242/.466.  Wow.

The saddest part?  This list isn’t even close to complete.  If there’s one thing the Cubs have cornered the market on, it’s lousy players.