For a guy who apparently makes his living as a writer, has Will Leitch ever written anything vaguely memorable?  I mean, he’s apparently written some books that nobody has ever bought, and he made his name “writing” for Deadspin (where he basically just posted other people’s stories).

And yet, we all know more about him than we ever cared to.  He’s a Cardinals fan, he went to Illinois and he used the word “fuck” in a very inappropriate way towards that renowned rabble-rouser Roger Ebert.

While he’s off boring America to death for some magazine, he’s come back to write pithy (awful) previews of each Major League Baseball team for Deadspin.

Yesterday, he finally got to the Cubs.  And he didn’t disappoint.  If, of course, you were expecting it to be nonsensical, overwrought and just plain dumb.

Let’s see if we can figure any of it out.

Chicago Cubs: This is the Golden Age

Wrigley Field is one of the most beautiful places on earth, a landmark that Conan O’Brien sprinted through during “Surrender” to show he was in the Midwest, where Jim Belushi tackled Mark Grace in Taking Care of Business (before Grace joined the Village People), where Ferris Bueller took his day off. It stands for mid-America, and history, and baseball itself. Wrigley Field is immortal. The Cubs, and their stadium, are a national institution. Even if they’re thinking of putting up a hideous Toyota sign in left field.

First off, the title is promising that we’re going to find out why Leitch thinks this is the “Golden Age” for the Cubs.  Remember, that while the Cubs have gone to the playoffs four times in the last 12 years, this is also a franchise that has won ten pennants and two World Series.  Sure, they were all a long damned time ago, but chances are, if there was a “golden age” it happened then.  Not now, even if that is inconvenient for whatever point emo boy is trying to make here.  And as for the “hideous Toyota sign in left field”, a Cardinals fan should know hideous.  Remember when St. Louis built their dull, on-the-cheap, “new” Busch Stadium and left all that room open beyond the outfield where they were going to build “Ballpark Village?”  Yeah, it’s still a crater.  They try to tell people it’s a tribute to Mark McGwire’s complexion, but even Cardinals fans aren’t sure whether to believe that or not.

Secondly, who the hell saw “Taking Care of Business?”  I’m sure that Jim Belushi, even as a Cubs fan, is huge in central Illinois, but nobody saw that movie.  And Leitch also knows that while Conan did run through Wrigley during that montage to open his ill-fated run on the Tonight Show, he also swam across the Mississippi River, landed in St. Louis and emerged from the water with dozens of Dave McKay’s syringes sticking out of him.

It wasn’t always like this. Until 1938, Wrigley Field held 14,000 people. Upgrades throughout the years raised the capacity to 38,396 in 1938, 36,755 in 1951, 38,040 in 1986 (two years before Major League Baseball cruelly forced lights on the Cubs), 38,884 in 1997, 41,118 in 2006 and ultimately 44,250 today, a number busted out only for special occasions, like a postseason appearance, or hockey.

The Cubs still have one of the smaller stadiums in Major League Baseball, but they don’t draw like it:

Wasn’t always like what?  All you said was that Wrigley was “beautiful” (ghey), that it’s immortal (overwrought) and a national institution (dumb).  What did seating capacity have to do with it?  And, if Wrigley really has a capacity of 44,250, that would give it the 11th most seating capacity in Major League Baseball.  Even at the real capacity of 41,160 it’s 20th, but just a few hundred shy of 15th, and it is the biggest baseball stadium in Chicago.  Wrigley’s not tiny.  As teams started building baseball-only stadiums they started decreasing the seating capacity…so they could…you know, fill them once and a while.  You might have also noticed that the dimensions at Wrigley, which once seemed so tiny are right in line with just about every other park in baseball.  But why would you notice such things?  It’s not like you were going to write about them.

Despite a disappointing season last year (to say the least), they were sixth in the majors in attendance, one of nine teams to draw more than 3 million fans. (Three of those teams were in the National League Central, by the way.) It was the sixth consecutive season the Wrigley had more than 3 million fans; the Cubs crossed that figure in 2004 and haven’t missed since. There are more people heading to Wrigley Field right now than any other time in human history.

Do you think that perhaps, the demand for tickets (which really only began in the mid-80s) caused them to find ways to add more seating, which meant that there could be “more people heading to Wrigley Field right now than any other time in human history?”

This coincides, of course, with the most successful era in Cubs history.

No.  No it doesn’t.  Not even close.

The Cubs’ inability to win a World Series, suffice it to say, has been well-documented, but otherwise, the last decade was their best ever.

Wait, they haven’t won a what?  Somebody needs to talk about this more!  And no, not “otherwise” this wasn’t their best decade ever.  Not even close.

They had six winning seasons in the 2000s, the most since they had 10 in the 1930s, a decade in which they lost three World Series.

Six winning seasons in the ’00s, ten in the ’30s, which one is better?  Three pennants in the ’30s, ZERO in the ’00s.  What is wrong with you?

If every other decade had as many wins as the last one did, you’d have to think the Cubs wouldn’t be known as the Lovable Losers they are today.

You mean if they lost less they’d be considered less of a loser?  I’m going to yield the floor on what qualifies someone as a loser to you, because you are an undisputed expert.

You’d also have to think they’d have won a World Series at some point, one, anyway.

No.  You don’t have to think that.  Because for all that grand success they had last decade, with three whopping playoff appearances, they didn’t come close to winning a World Series.

The 2000s were the best baseball the Cubs have had to offer. I do hope Cubs fans enjoyed it.

No.  Not it wasn’t the best baseball the Cubs have had to offer.  We just went through this.  And I enjoyed this.

Because it’s starting to look like that’s as good as it’s going to get for a while. It looks like the window is about to close.

Huh?  Oh, this should be good.  Do tell, why the window is closing.

The Cubs have new owners now, the ones responsible for the Toyota hideousness, and it’s difficult to argue that they didn’t buy in a couple of years late. (Imagine if someone had grabbed the Cubs in 2002, the same year John Henry bought the Red Sox.)

Damnit, they bought the team too late.  Now they’ll never win.  2002 was the year to buy the team.  They could have spent lots of money and signed the biggest name free agent manager and spent some money on the team!  Just imagine what Dusty Baker could have done with…oh, never mind.

The payroll is nearing max-out level, with aging stars entering their decline phase, and the prospects coming up are a year or two from contributing to what’s looking like a final stretch run.

But…uh…when the aging players decline, can’t the Cubs let them go and…you know…play those prospects you’re trying to impress us with?  Why does it have to be a “final stretch” run.  Was John Cusack right?

[youtube:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hz86TsGx3fc]

He says he’s a Cubs fan.  Why didn’t he warn us?  The world will end in two years!  The window is closing!  Nobody tell Starlin Castro.  It’ll just depress him.

And the Toyota debacle isn’t encouraging: So far, there’s not much evidence the new stewards can enhance, modernize and profitize the old ballpark without losing what makes it great, the way the Boston owners did.

Holy shit.  First off, what the fuck is with your use of punctuation?  Nobody’s been this hard on the poor colon since Lassie Edmonds.  Secondly, there’s “not much evidence” that the Cubs can enhance, modernize and profitize (you know you’re making words up now) the old ballpark without “losing what makes it great, the way the Boston owners did?”  Have you ever been to Fenway Park?  It’s all fucking advertising.

Look at the beauty and majesty there.  Yes, that’s impressive.  So tasteful.  So elegant.

And you know what?  Boston fans don’t give a shit.  They just want to see their team win.  That’s how baseball fans work.  Oh, but I forgot, you’re trying to reinforce the dumbassed notion that Cubs fans root for the park and not the team.

You turn fans against Wrigley, you’ve lost everything.

Sigh.

Your idiocy is astounding.  But I’m going to give you some credit.  I think that as a Cardinals fan you want the Cubs to prioritize the ballpark over the product.  You want them to operate with a ludicrous handicap of playing in an antiquated clap trap that they can’t suck money out of, because you don’t like the idea that a new ownership is going to actually run the franchise with some level of competence.

See, Leitch.  I’m on to you.

Actually, I’m probably just giving you way too much credit.  Because you really seem like a complete dope.

Cubs fans are as fervid as any fanbase in sport — they always set every Spring Training record, and I’ll never forget the Diamondbacks-Cubs postseason series in which it appeared there were more Cubs fans at Chase Field than D-Backs boosters — but it has been easy (or at least easier; these are still the Cubs) to cheer during a time of hope and impending nirvana.

That was one sentence.  It tried to make three points and made none, and included the douchiest phrase you’ll read all month “time of hope and impending nirvana.”  You either need to stop, or start, taking drugs immediately.

When I went to Wrigley Field for the game in September 2008 that’s featured in the upcoming book, the atmosphere at Wrigley was not one of frat boy, World’s Largest Pick-Up Bar nonsense: It was focused and jubilant, true fans, confident and yearning.

Great.  An entire book of strangely placed colons and words like “jubilant” and “yearning.”  I’m sure Amazon is bracing for the server overload the day it goes on sale.

That year, the 100th year since the last World Series championship, that was supposed to be The One. It wasn’t. Neither was last year. True Cubs fans are past the Wait Til Next Year emptiness. They’ve waited long enough. They’ve supported these guys enough. They want one now.

I was pretty sure that the 100th year was going to be “The One”, because that’s how things work.  You just hit a round number and things start to click.  How did that fool proof strategy fail?  I’m going to drive my car until it hits 100,000 on the odometer and then it’ll be just as good as new.

I also like that you think that it took 100 years for Cubs fans to get past the “Wait Til Next Year” emptiness, and that now we’ve waited long enough.  Cubs fans have been booing the shit out of this team for 60 years.  Just because some simps like you take the 30,000 foot view and see people at the games, and declare that Cubs fans don’t care if their team wins or not, has never made it true.  It just makes you feel insightful.  Something has to, because actual insight never will.

In the wake of Milton Bradley, there’s a tension among Cubs fans. There is a clear sense of opportunity squandered.

Let’s not give Milton that much credit.  He was there one year, on an injury-riddled team that never got it together, and now he’s gone.  He’s Seattke’s problem.  Let them enjoy the awesomeness that comes with him.

The Cubs are still a talented team, and they have enough pieces with enough juice left to conceivably make a Cardinals-in-2006 run, a team that didn’t win when it should have but sneaked out a title when they shouldn’t have.

Yes, because every team wants to emulate the strategy of being the best team in your division for five months, then playing horribly for three weeks, losing nine of thirteen down the stretch to almost blow a once huge lead.  Sounds good, I’ll get Lou right on that.

But as a Cardinals fan — the only type of creature in all of baseball, along with White Sox fans, who wouldn’t take at least a modicum of joy in a World Series championship for the Cubs — I can’t help but think we’ve dodged a bullet.

You got one thing right, Cardinals fans and White Sox fans are creatures.  Fearsome, meth-addled creatures who enjoy nothing better than racing their Camaro on a Thursday afternoon then rotating the tires on their “house.”

The Cubs had everything fall their way over the last 10 years.

What?  No.  No they didn’t.  Do you own a television, or do you spend all of your money on hair product and black t-shirts?

They should have won a World Series.

Should’s got nothing to do with hit.

But they didn’t. It’s not a curse, it’s not a hex, it’s not a goat, it’s not bad mojo. Sometimes the hand doesn’t fall your way

But you just said they “should have won a World Series” and now you’re saying that it was all fate?  Or are you saying they’re shitty poker players?  What are you saying?  Why can’t you ever just make sense?

The Cubs are hotter right now than they will be again for a long time.

What does this mean?  Do you have any idea what point you are trying to get across?  Do you have a point?  Are you on a word count that you’re just trying to hit? Are you saying there’s a heat wave in Mesa?  Are you trying to warn them to get more sunscreen?

If they don’t do it this year, very soon, Cubs fans will look back at the frustrations of the last 10 years and wonder if it will ever be that good again.

I’ve got news for you, Will.  It hasn’t been all that good.  In this glorious decade of which you speak, the Cubs had two good teams.

They were undeniably good in 2003 and 2008.  They choked in the playoffs both times.

In 2000, they were horribly bad.  Just wretched.

But in 2001 they were a sorry bunch that was carried late into the season on the pharmaceutical goodness of Sammy Sosa.

2002?  Horribly bad again.

2004?  Talented?  Sure?  Successful?  No.

2005?  Bad

2006?  Piss poor.

2007?  They made the playoffs, but they only won 85 games.  We were under no illusions they were any good.

2009?  Hurt, weird, disappointing.

I don’t know if I can handle another decade of that kind of “goodness” again.

Even with mildly competent leadership, the next decade will be much better than the last one was.  Honestly, the bar that’s been set isn’t all that high.

You don’t think they can top six playoff wins, one ninety win season, a fifth place finish and two sixth place finishes?

If that was the Golden Age of the Cubs, I don’t want to see the Bronze Age.