So what do we really know about ESPN 1000 “baseball insider” Bruce Levine?

We know that he lives with his mother’s amateurishly embalmed corpse in a motel where she’s been placed near a window (we don’t know any of this.)

We know that at Shitty O’Keas last January Bruce crapped his pants in the back corner near the always pointless tin whistle playing douche bags.  (We’re not sure he shit his pants, but somebody in his “party” sharted something fierce.

And now, we know that Bruce has developed a man-love for overweight, overwrought Padres closer Heath Bell that borders on the love Chip Caray harbors for The Beege.

In a blog post that even for Levine is confounding and meandering he makes the case for Jim Hendry trading for Bell, and basically giving up whatever the Padres want.

Since we know that Levine feeds grapes to a shirtless Crane Kenney every Tuesday night, this might not just be the musings of an ill-informed dope.  It might be planted from on high to gauge the reaction.

Anyway, let’s look at what Bruce wrote on Friday.

Win doesn’t hide Cubs glaring deficiencies

The Cubs’ 7-2 come-from-behind victory over Houston on Friday doesn’t camouflage the fact that both the bullpen and outfield defense has been bad for the first 10 games of the season.

What would camoflage that?  A t-shirt covered in ivy so that Soriano can just hide against the wall?

The Padres at some point will put closer Heath Bell on the market. The Cubs will have as good a shot as anybody to obtain Bell if they’re willing to give up a No. 1 prospect like infielder Josh Vitters.

So you’re saying if they’re morons and give up a top prospect for a 32 year old relief pitcher, they have as good a shot as anybody?  Awesome analysis there, Bruce.  If I went into a Lexus dealership and offered them $10,000 over sticker for one of those SUVs that tip over, I’ll bet I’d have as good a shot as anybody to get one.  And die in it.

Although centerfielder Marlon Byrd has been an upgrade defensively this season, the defensive play of both Alfonso Soriano and Kosuke Fukudome has been way below par.

Now who’s overreacting to Friday’s game?  Byrd’s been fine, and he made just as many errors on Friday as Kosuke did.  Kosuke’s a good rightfielder.  In fact, he’s better in right than Marlon is in center.  Soriano?  He’s Todd Hundley-esque in left.  But we get it.  You like Marlon more than Kosuke because Marlon’s friendly to you and Kosuke and translator always share a laugh at your expense whenever they translate one of your ponderous questions.

Outfield defense is the No. 1 contributor to extra outs, and extra outs lead to pitchers’ high ERAs.

Well, this is just wrong.  Far more errors are made in the infield, and if any part of the Cubs defense is leading to high ERAs on the Cubs pitching staff it’s the fact that neither one of their munchkin middle infielders can get to anything not hit right at them.  The Cubs lead the world in twelve hop ground balls that end up being picked up by the centerfielder.  Oh, and Soriano sucks, but everyone in the world agrees on that.

As far as the bullpen, bringing up a pitcher like No. 1 pick Andrew Cashner from Double-A has not been talked about, but is certainly not the answer to the Cubs’ bullpen problem.

If it hasn’t been talked about, it should.  Why?

Because Cashner is a former college closer, so the bullpen isn’t exactly foreign to him.

Because Cashner’s fastest route to the big leagues is by serving a one or two year apprenticeship in a big league bullpen, then becoming a starter.

Because Cashner’s fackin’ strikeout to walk ratio this year is balls.  In 10 and a third innings, in AAA Iowa he’s struck out 20 guys and walked two.  He had a good year last year and the only question was his control.

So if the Cubs haven’t talked about him, they’re idiots.

Cubs GM Jim Hendry will gladly overpay in prospects if he gets the go-ahead from the Ricketts family to trade for a pitcher like Bell and absorb his $5 million contract.

If that’s true, Jim needs to be fired right now.  I’m going to give Hendry the benefit of the doubt here though, because you’re a noted dumbass.  Nobody should overpay for anybody, much less “gladly” overpay.  Especially not for a relief pitcher who brags the the only exercise he gets in the offseason is on the Wii.

No major-league team can develop four young pitchers into bullpen studs during a championship season. The key for the Cubs winning a division is getting some bullpen help.

If the Cubs were so good that shoring up their bullpen was going to put them over the top, you might (and I stress might) have a point that they should deal for a closer (not overpay, of course.)

But the list of things this team can’t do is pretty fucking long.

The left fielder can’t catch the ball.

The shortstop doesn’t get to much and can’t throw when he does.

The second baseman’s range is limited to how far he can reach when he tips over.

The centerfielder weighs 240 pounds.

The rightfielder can only hit in April.

The ace gave up six more hits and eight more runs in seven and two thirds fewer innings at Turner Field than Ubaldo Jiminez.

The backup right fielder can’t throw because he’s still got Tommy John Disease.

Oh, and the team can’t hit, even though they’re spending $3 million a year on a guy who used to combine a hitter’s paradise in Arlington, Texas with his players love of drugs to achieve great results.

But you’re right, none of this isn’t anything that Heath Bell can’t fix.