Tom Ricketts “Moving Forward” video: the original shooting script

The Cubs are serious about this Wrigley Field renovation stuff.  So serious they had their de facto chairman, Tom Ricketts stare glass eyed into a camera in all sorts of casual Friday apparel to state the case why the Cubs are tired of waiting for the rooftop owners to agree with them on their renovation plan, so screw it, the Cubs are going back to their original plans and they’re going to just do it.  Probably.  Perhaps.

The video, shot on location on beautiful Wrigley Field, and in its bowels, makes the case that this time, it’s really time to get started on this renovation thing, eventually, maybe, hopefully.

At six minutes, the video is about four minutes too long, and questionably includes shots of the signage blight at Fenway Park.  The sequence where Tom stands next to a batting tee in the Cubs clubhouse is riveting.  Riveting mainly because I kept hoping he would trip over it.

Because the Cubs love us (we’re regular pals)  they leaked the original shooting script to us.  So let’s see what he was really going to say.

EXTERIOR — HOME PLATE AT WRIGLEY FIELD
TOM RICKETTS

Hi, I’m Tom Ricketts, and welcome to beautiful Wrigley Field. I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but this is the 100th anniversary of Wrigley Field and we invite you to stop on by for a game. Good seats are still available, pretty much every day. Especially when the Pirates are in town. We can’t give tickets away to see the Pirates. Todd’s tried. We sent him out with 200 tickets one day and told him to just hand them out to anyone who would take them. Somehow at the end of the day he ended up with 217 tickets, one of those candy rings where the diamond is a big red sucker and the liner notes to “Fool For The City” by Foghat.

As most of you know, we have a plan to fund $500 million worth of renovations and new projects to, and around, Wrigley Field. We’re paying for this ourselves.  We’re not using any taxpayer money at all.  Well sure, I mean, we’re getting millions of dollars of tax breaks and countless exceptions, but other ownership groups would get those, and some cash.

What we figured out was that since the city is basically bankrupt that it would look bad if we took cash from them, so instead we’ve found ways to decrease the revenue they would be getting from us.  It’s the same thing, only it’s a lot harder to notice.

But the tradeoff is more than worth it.  If we hadn’t struck this one-of-a-kind deal, we’d probably have had to move to Rosemont.  You know, that’s still a realistic option if we were forced to do it.  At the corner of Mannheim Road and Runway Two, that  parcel of land is really great.  It’s just a three minute drive from Toby Keith’s “I Love This Bar” Bar and Grill.  Everything served at Toby’s comes with extra bacon and an extra heaping helping of jingoism.

Without this deal, Wrigleyville would have one less boutique hotel, and did I mention we’re building a 40,000 square foot Chicago Athletic Club?  We’ll waive your joiner fee if you get a friend to join with you.

TODD ENTERS FROM LEFT WEARING SHORTS, A TANKTOP AND A CHICAGO ATHLETIC CLUB HEADBAND

And, if you tell them Todd sent you, you get free towel service for a week.

SOMEONE ROLLS A BIKE IN FROM OFFSCREEN TO TODD

Todd wanted me to remind you that as part of the plan we’re increasing bike parking at Wrigley.  It’s the healthy, environmentally friendly way to get to the park on gameday.  If you need a $6,000 European racing bike Todd has a shop full of them.  He’s yet to sell a single one of them.

TODD GETS ON THE BIKE, WAVES AND RIDES OFF TOWARDS CENTERFIELD STAYING IN THE BACKGROUND OF THE CAMERA SHOT AS LONG AS POSSIBLE–THEN CRASHES INTO AN OUTFIELD GARAGE DOOR

We treasure Wrigley Field, and want it to be around for several more generations.  And don’t worry, we’ve had Todd chemically castrated.

INTERIOR – WRIGLEY FIELD CLUBHOUSE
TOM RICKETTS

Welcome to our home clubhouse.  As you can see, it’s a substandard shithole.  We literally still have a pile of used needles over where Sammy Sosa’s locker used to be.  We haven’t even been able to repair the “Milton Bradley Wall of Intolerance” where he used to carve crude drawings of people he felt had slighted him and then punch the drawings.  The Historical Society claims we can’t alter it.

Look how small the actual dressing area is.  Two players can’t bend over to tie their shoes without their butts touching.  Trust me, it’s not as sexy as it sounds.

You may have heard that we hired a chef to prepare meals for the players.  It’s important because nutrition plays a great role in helping players meet their optimum performance.  But here’s our (airquotes) kitchen (airquotes.)

It’s a hot plate and the thing you hang bananas on.  We had three players go on the DL last year with scurvy.  This can’t continue.

But the worst part of this clubhouse is how the cramped quarters impacts us directly on the field.  In every one of the clubhouses of the 29 other teams, there are indoor batting cages easily accessible for players during the games.  When a pinch hitter needs to get ready here look at what they have to do.

ROLL VIDEO OF TWO HAPLESS CUBS EMPLOYEES (SEE IF CRANE IS BUSY) DEPLOYING THE HITTING NET

We have to pull down a board to protect our wide screen TV, then pull down this net, and we take a tee.  You know like the kind your snot nosed little brat uses in the back yard.  That’s what our hitters are using to get ready for huge at bats late in games.  It’s a third world country down here.  It’s like Guatemala, or Gary, Indiana.

Over the years, the Cubs have had some great pinch hitters.  From Henry Cotto to Thad Bosley to Gary Varsho to Dave Hansen to Matt Stairs to Orlando Merced, the Cubs have had some of the greatest pinch hitters in Major League history.  Given these medieval accomodations, how did they ever get a pinch hit?  I’m not saying that Wrigley Field is the reason the team hasn’t won a World Series in over 100 years…

…but Wrigley Field is the reason the Cubs haven’t won a World Series in over 100 years.

SHOTS OF TOM LOOMING OVER THE SCALE MODEL OF WRIGLEY RENOVATIONS LIKE GODZILLA

Don’t adjust your TV sets or smartphone screens, I didn’t absorb lethal amounts of toxic radiation and grow to thousands of times my actual size.  This is a scale model of our $500 million expansion project.

Notice, I use the word “expansion” and not “renovation” because “expansion” is allowed in that terrible contract Crane signed with the roofies, but “renovation” isn’t.  You’ll also notice that there are no buildings across the street from Wrigley in this scale model.  I love this scale model.  I’d like to sleep in it, or maybe with it.

Let me point out a few things.  Over here someplace is where my wife claims we met.  That was the summer I learned how to smuggle Zima into the bleachers, so I don’t remember much.  Over here is where we’re going to build the long-awaited, much anticipated triangle building.  Todd wants us to open a new Taco Bell in it.  Laura said as long it’s not a Chick-fil-a she’s cool with it.

We’re going to move the bullpens away from the foul lines and under the bleachers, as part of another bleacher expansion.  At this rate, by 2034 97% of Wrigley’s seating capacity will be in the outfield.

One of the main reasons we want to move the bullpens is that we’re tired of fans throwing food at our players while they wait to come into the game.  They are not animals.  We let Kyle Farnsworth go almost a decade ago.

One thing you see on this model is that there are several new signs in the outfield.  This is our subtle way of telling the roofies, “Hey, we tried to limit it to two unobtrusive signs and one video board–strategically placed to not block any direct views from your rooftop seating into the park–but you didn’t like it.  So…go fuck yourselves.  Have fun trying to find people to pay $150 to stand on your roof and stare at the ass end of a Bob Rohrman billboard for three hours.”

We are the only team in the National League Central who can’t put ads where ever we want in our ballparks.  The outfield at the army surplus green warehouse they call a ballpark in Milwaukee is plastered with ads.  The Cardinals put ads on anything in the park that’s four feet across or bigger–billboards, structural support, the jorts of 78% percent of their fanbase–but we’re limited.  We’re the only ballpark in America for any sport with those limits.  That’s going to end.

My dad may have given us the money to buy the team, but he keeps refusing to give us the money to actually operate it.  So that’s why we need all these revenue streams, and the roofies are getting in our way.  One thing dad does like, though, is fighting, so we’re pretty sure that he’ll pay our legal bills.  That’s good enough for us.  So screw you, rooftop owners.  You have no chance.  I mean, this fight is unfair.  It’s like we’re starting with a 3-0 lead with one out in the eighth.  When have we ever lost one of those?

So I want to thank you, our loyal Cubs fans.  For a hundred years you’ve been happily coming to games in our fetid, decrepit old ballpark and watched team after team lose because of the lack of revenue and batting cages.  But now, thanks to me and my siblings, we’re going to fix all of that.  Nothing says championship dynasty like an overpriced hotel, team owned vendor kiosks selling overpriced food, booze and merchandise on closed-down city streets.

We can’t wait to start winning.  Right after this five to seven year court fight ends and five more years of construction.  We’re proud you have so much confidence in us.

FINAL SHOT — TODD SITTING IN A URINAL TROUGH GIVING A THUMBS UP TO THE CAMERA